Fighting Over Cancelled Plans-Need Advice

Hey guys!

I really need opinions from neutral parties on this. My partner and I have been together for 5 years and have been common law for 2.5 years. We had plans to marry once we graduated but this changed because he will be delayed in graduating 2 years. I made a lot of life sacrifices for him including spending money I did not feel comfortable with to rent a place he wanted, switching programs and careers to something he considered less dangerous and attending a university I did not like because he wanted to be there (I know I'm dumb but we had plans to marry, were living together and i was under the impression that everything was great).

This past year, I have been feeling very insecure in our relationship because my friends (our age) were settling into committed relationships and getting engaged and I felt that he was not committed enough and where we had always talked about being. He feels that I expect too much because his friends are all single and a few years younger than us and they feel that he is whipped. The reason I feel so insecure now and we are fighting is because he is constantly skipping plans.

We make plans for dates once every 1-2 weeks usually and he misses many of them. He has missed about 50% in this past month and there have been months where we have not gone on a date because he cancels, forgets or is too busy.

He forgets minor plans (like that we are having dinner together before a double date) and some major plans (like our Christmas tradition of decorating the tree last year) which really bothers me because I turn down other invites, get myself (and for home dates, dinner or whatever else we had planned) all ready and then sit waiting for hours and he never shows. He forgets because he loses track of time with friends and does not check his phone so I can never reach him. When keeping a schedule, making plans weeks in advance and day of reminders failed, I tried setting up a specific date night (which led to a huge fight because he didnt want to commit to a night where parties may later be scheduled). He feels that scheduling and committing to dates interferes with his ability to socialize with his peers and his friends judge him for picking me over him and I feel that we need dates to function as a couple and am worried when I see all my friends progressing with their relationship and us moving backwards but this isn't my greatest concern.

What bothers me is that he will be invited to parties and other things he finds fun and will decide to attend them instead of the date we had already scheduled. He makes this decision independently and does not tell me until i ask him about why he isn't home or ready (sometimes literally when our date is supposed to begin). This hurts my feelings tremendously. I see it as him showing that he does not care about my time or value our dates and feel completely disrespected and he feels like it is no big deal and he should be able to skip our dates if a more fun opportunity comes up because those are harder to reschedule or make up for than our dates. We are stuck in a loop over this. When i try explaining how it makes me feel unloved and makes it seem like he is not committed, he tries explaining that he thinks he shouldnt need to tell me everything he does and we can always go out some other time so it shouldn't be a big deal. His reaction to my emotions and response seems like proof to me that I am unwanted and I feel even more insecure and my reaction to his emotions and response seems like proof to him that I am crazy and controlling. His friends tell him that a relationship should not take priority over friends and he should be able to make his own plans and decisions and my friends tell me that I should be able to rely on my partner's word when we make plans and that my standards are too low for only expecting 1 date every 1-2 weeks from a partner who i have been with this long.

For the past year, he eventually caves and promises he will tell me next time well in advance if he is cancelling and will ask me if it is short notice and prioritize his commitment to me if I am not ok with it but he is left feeling bitter and I am left feeling like he only agreed to shut me up (which is horrible for my self-esteem). It also doesnt change anything because he skips again usually within a week or two. Am I wrong for being so bothered by all this and feeling like he does not respect me?

What should I do?

His friends tell him that a relationship should not take priority over friends and he should be able to make his own plans and decisions and my friends tell me that I should be able to rely on my partner's word when we make plans and that my standards are too low for only expecting 1 date every 1-2 weeks from a partner who i have been with this long.

What do you want? If you want a man who will prioritize his relationship with you over going out with friends, I don't think he is the one. Yes, there are relationship-minded men out there, even at college age. As long as you are with this one, you won't be with one of them.

No, you aren't wrong for feeling so bothered, but you are kind of responsible for this outcome. You've dedicated your life to a guy when you are both too young for that. The result is that he is taking you totally for granted while being and doing things a guy his age should be doing more or less.

My advice to you is STOP waiting on his azz. Go get a life of your own. Go out with friends, go dancing, let your hair down, have fun, etc, etc, etc. Let your bf for the first time wonder why it's 3 am and YOU aren't home yet. Stop trying with all these dates. Just stop. Literally, back off, go enjoy yourself elsewhere, go party or join a book club. Whatever you do don't be home waiting on him. Don't do this to get back at him, do this because you actually need to live college life and stop playing wifey. Trust me you'll have the rest of your life for that. Meantime, enjoy college life for real. See who/what else is out there (not suggesting you cheat or anything) I mean be open to meeting new people, exploring hobbies and interests, finding yourself - because YOU have been living for someone else too long. Be you, find you. THEN....see if this relationship is still something you want or not. The side effect of that is that your bf is likely to wake up and suddenly take an interest in you again because you've stopped being boring and predictable and started being your own interesting woman with a full and fulfilling life.

No, you aren't wrong for feeling so bothered, but you are kind of responsible for this outcome. You've dedicated your life to a guy when you are both too young for that. The result is that he is taking you totally for granted while being and doing things a guy his age should be doing more or less.

 

My advice to you is STOP waiting on his azz. Go get a life of your own. Go out with friends, go dancing, let your hair down, have fun, etc, etc, etc. Let your bf for the first time wonder why it's 3 am and YOU aren't home yet. Stop trying with all these dates. Just stop. Literally, back off, go enjoy yourself elsewhere, go party or join a book club. Whatever you do don't be home waiting on him. Don't do this to get back at him, do this because you actually need to live college life and stop playing wifey. Trust me you'll have the rest of your life for that. Meantime, enjoy college life for real. See who/what else is out there (not suggesting you cheat or anything) I mean be open to meeting new people, exploring hobbies and interests, finding yourself - because YOU have been living for someone else too long. Be you, find you. THEN....see if this relationship is still something you want or not. The side effect of that is that your bf is likely to wake up and suddenly take an interest in you again because you've stopped being boring and predictable and started being your own interesting woman with a full and fulfilling life.

I agree with this completely.

Also, he sounds more interested in impressing his friends than you. If you do start going out and enjoying your own life, he might actually start to miss you. If he doesn't care, then you may have to assess if he really wants to be with you--and if he is really the one you want.

I made a lot of life sacrifices for him including spending money I did not feel comfortable with to rent a place he wanted, switching programs and careers to something he considered less dangerous and attending a university I did not like because he wanted to be there

Yet in return, what has he done for YOU? You should never switch your degree for somebody. If he doesn't respect what you want to do with your life, then he's not worth it.

I know I'm dumb but we had plans to marry

Who said you were "dumb?" Did he say this to you? You shouldn't walk into a marriage with very low self esteem of yourself, because you set yourself up for emotional abuse. Marriage certainly will not make you any "smarter."

This past year, I have been feeling very insecure in our relationship because my friends (our age) were settling into committed relationships and getting engaged and I felt that he was not committed enough and where we had always talked about being

...

am worried when I see all my friends progressing with their relationship and us moving backwards but this isn't my greatest concern.

Ok if you ever plan on being happy with your own relationships, then you need to stop comparing it to other relationships. Stop wasting energy of being jealous of your friends and their relationships. The reality is everyone moves at different paces with their relationships. There is no deadline set on when to be married; it all depends on WHO they are with and WHAT their circumstances are. I didn't get married until 10 years later -- when I was nearly 30 -- because my husband and I were not in the right position to settle.

Who the hell cares what your friends or his friends say about your relationship? It's none of their business. The dynamic is between you and your boyfriend. Like you said, he hasn't finished his education or landed a career... he needs to get those things out of the way before he is ready for marriage. He is not in any position to get married and you need to respect that. Or find a guy who is ready to settle.

He feels that scheduling and committing to dates interferes with his ability to socialize with his peers and his friends judge him for picking me over him and I feel that we need dates to function as a couple

This is all on him. Your boyfriend needs to grow a sack and assert his boundaries if he wants to remain in a committed relationship with you. His maturity is lacking here and it is a big problem if he cannot standing up for you when with his friends. This is not a person who is husband material. He should be shutting up his friends whenever they call him "whipped" or make comments that villianize you. That behavior is disrespectful and should not be tolerated. It needs to be nipped in the bud.

My husband had two friends who behaved this way before we got married. He finally stood up to them and said "knock it off, that's my fiancee you're talking about." Those friends were no longer invited to our social outings because of how disrespectful they were to me. We didn't even invite them to our wedding and we no longer talk to them. Social consequences for them.

His friends tell him that a relationship should not take priority over friends and he should be able to make his own plans

His friends are not entirely wrong. You should not have to lose friendships over a relationship. HOWEVER, priorities do change in adulthood when marriage (and kids) are on the table. But considering where your boyfriend is in life (still in college, no career), he is not ready to be in a heavily committed relationship with you. He prioritizes school and fun over a relationship... which honestly, most college kids should do.

my friends tell me that I should be able to rely on my partner's word when we make plans and that my standards are too low for only expecting 1 date every 1-2 weeks from a partner who i have been with this long.

Your friends are not 100% correct either. For THEM, dating frequently is their preference. But as you get more into the adult world, your schedule gets busy with raising children, working, etc. That having a date with just your husband twice a month is a luxury.

LOL I am in my early 30's and I only get to see my husband on the weekends because of opposite work schedules during the weekday. I love having "me" time when I don't have to "fight" over who gets TV/video games. We only get to go out on a "date" maybe once a week or two depending on how busy our schedules are. The majority of my coworkers/friends are just like your friends, and do not understand how I can live with this dynamic because they get to see their spouse/SO right before and after work. For me, it just WORKS!

So please do not let your friends dictate and define how your relationship should be. Only you can determine that. You are a different person compared to them.

So going back to your problem:

You both do not seem to be compatible because of where you both are at in life. He wants to have his last thrills before entering the workforce and accepting more adult responsibilities. There is nothing wrong with this. However it does not give him the excuse to bail on plans and commitments with you. If he prioritizes his friends over you and isn't ready to back his relationship up when people criticize you or it, then he is not mature enough to be in a real relationship with you. I personally would not seriously date a person like him and if I wanted to settle, I would find someone else.

I agree with this completely.

 

Also, he sounds more interested in impressing his friends than you. If you do start going out and enjoying your own life, he might actually start to miss you. If he doesn't care, then you may have to assess if he really wants to be with you--and if he is really the one you want.

I have tried taking space and cutting off contact for 2 weeks and he just spent the time crying and not being able to function then agreed to everything I wanted the first time we talked again. Whenever we talk, he agrees with me and promises he will change but there is never any sort of change because he genuinely thinks that not showing up to plans or switching to do something he enjoys last minute is no big deal. He agrees only because he wants to stop fighting. We are stuck because we love each other a lot, get along well outside this mess, have joint everything and our future aspirations match perfectly so neither of us want to split up BUT he fully believes that he is giving up control over his life by committing to a certain number (1) of dates per week and sticking to a schedule for them or by agreeing to letting me know of plan changes a few days in advance or asking to reschedule and having his plan with me take priority if the new plan is very short notice.

There was one time he went almost 2 months without missing a date (or atleast without letting me know and rescheduling before missing) because I told him I had had enough (I planned to move back in with my mother) but keeping his word made him very bitter and he was constantly snapping at me.

I am working on having my own life but it is very hard. I am not sure exactly when it started (he has schizophrenia running in his family and shows a lot of the symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia himself so I think it crept into the relationship with time). He wouldnt let me wear attractive clothing out in public because he thought literally every other man on the planet wanted me and complained if I wore makeup. He was very insecure about me spending any time with guy friends and would cry regularly and accuse me of cheating or wanting to cheat. I had always had a majority male friend group and dressed attractively but by year 2, i was only wearing sweats and only had a handful of female friends. I brought this to his attention and told him I needed to have more freedom to be me and to make me a list of things that he knew would make him insecure/that he wasn't comfortable with but the list included absolutely crazy things (no hugging people of either gender was one of them). He has since settled down and I have been able to dye my hair, go out, wear makeup and pick back up on some of my hobbies. Him missing plans is still interfering though because I work and only get 1 or 2 evenings off a week so wasting them waiting for him is having a huge negative impact on my growth as a person.

I love him a lot and he loves me a lot. We have VERY different opinions on this that dont seem to be changeable. Im glad to know the consensus seems to be that I am not crazy for expecting him to stick to plans or atleast notify me if not. I really need to find a way to have dates and have him hold himself to his word without also making him feel like I am against him and trying to control him.

he has schizophrenia running in his family and shows a lot of the symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia himself so I think it crept into the relationship with time. He wouldnt let me wear attractive clothing out in public because he thought literally every other man on the planet wanted me and complained if I wore makeup. He was very insecure about me spending any time with guy friends and would cry regularly and accuse me of cheating or wanting to cheat

Schizophrenia or not, he emotionally abuses you. I am pretty sure he calls you "dumb" and makes you feel that way.

You need to dump him.

This man isn't able to meet your needs. He also doesn't want to meet your needs. He's extremely self absorbed and is showing you who he really is. So if you want to give up what you want and need for him then that's your decision but for me, I'd be so gone he wouldn't even know I was out of there til the dust from my shoes hit his eyes. He's emotionally abusive and not mature enough for a relationship.

If it were me I'd walk away and go the no contact route. Start living your own life and as Dolly Parton once said "honk your own horn".

I guess I should mention that dates also include dinner where we cook and eat at the same time, going to get groceries together at the farmers market and double dates with (usually his) friends. I believe it is important to set aside a few hours every week to spend as a couple doing something positive and he does too in theory... just not in practice.

Its also so hard to move on when we have invested everything into our vision for a future together. As far as what he has done for me, he moved in with me and faced a tun of backlash for it from his conservative family, he purchased a cat for us and had everything done for the cat in his own name because he knew I grew up with them despite his mother being deathly allergic to them, he took a co-op job closer to home to work on us despite the other one likely being better for his career last co-op, he pays his rent when he moves for co-op so that I do not have to leave our apartment, he offered to fly down from california when he was doing co-op there for my graduation and he has agreed to see a relationship councilor if the alternative is us breaking up.

We both love each other very much and you are right that our friends shouldn't have so much sway in our lives. I would love to find a solution that works for both of us but Im out of ideas.

He should have graduated by now. His friends are the ones who are actually college age. I really want a way to get him to commit to plans he makes or let me know if he is cancelling that also wont leave him feeling like I am controlling or crazy. I really don't expect much. I have a full time respectable job, a group of close friends, run a hobby rescue and sell my knitting projects. I am generally very busy too which is another reason why I hate it when he promises to be somewhere a few weeks in advance then an hour or two in advance so Im ready for a date but do not hear from him again until he stumbles in the door somewhat drunk late at night. I really only want a few hours a week that we spend together that isnt just to sleep or do housework. So far, everything I have tried has been ineffective. He will agree to anything but do nothing

He should have graduated by now. His friends are the ones who are actually college age. I really want a way to get him to commit to plans he makes or let me know if he is cancelling that also wont leave him feeling like I am controlling or crazy. I really don't expect much. I have a full time respectable job, a group of close friends, run a hobby rescue and sell my knitting projects. I am generally very busy too which is another reason why I hate it when he promises to be somewhere a few weeks in advance then an hour or two in advance so Im ready for a date but do not hear from him again until he stumbles in the door somewhat drunk late at night. I really only want a few hours a week that we spend together that isnt just to sleep or do housework. So far, everything I have tried has been ineffective. He will agree to anything but do nothing

 

Will you stay with him if nothing changes?

He wouldnt let me wear attractive clothing out in public because he thought literally every other man on the planet wanted me and complained if I wore makeup. He was very insecure about me spending any time with guy friends and would cry regularly and accuse me of cheating or wanting to cheat. I had always had a majority male friend group and dressed attractively but by year 2, i was only wearing sweats and only had a handful of female friends. I brought this to his attention and told him I needed to have more freedom to be me and to make me a list of things that he knew would make him insecure/that he wasn't comfortable with but the list included absolutely crazy things (no hugging people of either gender was one of them). He has since settled down and I have been able to dye my hair, go out, wear makeup and pick back up on some of my hobbies. Him missing plans is still interfering though because I work and only get 1 or 2 evenings off a week so wasting them waiting for him is having a huge negative impact on my growth as a person.

Wait... who's controlling?

He's allowed to run around and do whatever he wants, but you have to follow his rules.

Sorry, but that's not a fair deal.

He isn't prioritising the relationship as much as you are. It's unbalanced and i think a big part of compatibility is finding someone who respects and prioritises the relationship as much as you.

So far, everything I have tried has been ineffective. He will agree to anything but do nothing

The bottom line is he is refusing to meet you halfway. You have sacrificed everything for him - switching a college major, moving to a place you don't like, changing how you dress to settle his insecurity, even giving up other friends JUST to continue this relationship.

 

This goes back to my first question to you: what has he done in return? Bailing plans. Refusing to listen. Associating himself with people who are demeaning toward his relationship for you. Making false promises. Placing you second/third on his priority list.

 

This guy is straight up not commitment material. He is not ready to give you what you seek in a relationship. He is neglecting your needs in a relationship and you should no longer tolerate it. Break ups are painful, but staying in a relationship with no progress is worse. You are best to let him go and find a guy who can dedicate his time to you.

So he is dictating to you where to go to school, what to major in, who you can and cannot be friends with, what to wear, etc, etc, etc. OP - anything in this strikes as maybe seriously wrong????

What do you get in return? Well, he drops plans with you at will, accuses you of cheating while he stands you up on dates and runs off with friends who are openly disrespecting you doing who knows what. Hate to tell you this, but do you know who acts like your bf is acting? Cheaters. There is no greater fear a cheater has than that what they do to you, will be done to them. Since they know how much they are effing you over and how, they are always looking over their shoulder, paranoid that you'll do the same to them. Very typical too is that if you try to dump them or leave them, they'll burst into tears and do and say whatever it takes to get you back under their control....and then they'll just go back to being themselves.

I'm sorry OP, but I think you need to take a closer look at just what your bf is up to and why he is treating you like dirt. I don't think it's his family history of mental illness...... What you've described is just a d-bag acting like a very typical d-bag and someone you should have dumped years ago.