Inheritance etiquette?

I saw a story in the paper the other day and it made me wonder: if you have a child (or children) from a previous marriage, but are married (or maybe not legally married but simply partnered up with a different man/woman long term), what is the proper "inheritance etiquette" (for lack of a better term) in terms of diving up money and resources?

I know different states and places have different laws in terms of how to legally divide up things when wills are contested, but I'm talking more about setting up a will for your partner but having to think about your children whom you did not have with your partner. What's the "right" thing to do?

I would think if you truly loved your partner, just like with any will, you would see them as equal thus want to take care of them first before your children. The money and assets usually go towards the spouse/partner first, no? I mean, it usually does when the two people SHARE the child/ren in common, because then you assume the remaining parent will then pass on the money and assets again finally to the children when they die.

But in today's world there are so many mixed families and such, that I just wonder how people do it. How do you take care of a person you partner up with and make sure they are cared after, yet still make sure your own children don't get left out, too? Do you divide things equally amongst them all? But is that fair? Do you have the mentality "they will always be my kids and the partner is replaceable, thus the kids get most, if not all of, the money and resources?" But then again if I was the partner, I'd be insulted and wonder why I was even with the other person if they neglect to take care of me in the will when they pass on. If they value their children over me and leave me high and dry, it would make me question the relationship and how much they really saw me as an equal and loved me.

So what do you all think? How would you do things? (This scenario is assuming, too, that the couple do not share any children together whatsoever.)

Imo, everyone should get something. However, who gets what would depend on several circumstances that you do not mention in your scenario. The new partner would not take precedence by default nor get to control everything left behind. Imo, thoughts along the line of expecting their partner to "take care of them first before the children" would indicate feelings of rivalry against the children and some kind of imbalance in the partnership (e.g. lack of trust to said partner and someone used to being financially supported and feeling entitled to it). Imo, both kinds of relationships are equally important i.e. the children are not more important than a long-term spouse but also a long-term spouse is not more important than the children. At the end of the day, what each one feels is fair is very subjective and there is no one answer. Personally, I would make sure that the partner is not uprooted and that they remain financially supported but not to the point where they get to spend money on luxury cruises while the children struggle financially. P.S. If I was the long-term new partner and had these kind of questions, I would make sure that I have that discussion asap and clarify their intentions so as to be able to make corresponding provisions for the future.

Imo, everyone should get something. However, who gets what would depend on several circumstances that you do not mention in your scenario. The new partner would not take precedence by default nor get to control everything left behind. Imo, thoughts along the line of expecting their partner to "take care of them first before the children" would indicate feelings of rivalry against the children and some kind of imbalance in the partnership (e.g. lack of trust to said partner and someone used to being financially supported and feeling entitled to it). Imo, both kinds of relationships are equally important i.e. the children are not more important than a long-term spouse but also a long-term spouse is not more important than the children. At the end of the day, what each one feels is fair is very subjective and there is no one answer. Personally, I would make sure that the partner is not uprooted and that they remain financially supported but not to the point where they get to spend money on luxury cruises while the children struggle financially. P.S. If I was the long-term new partner and had these kind of questions, I would make sure that I have that discussion asap and clarify their intentions so as to be able to make corresponding provisions for the future.

Good take on things, thanks. I don't know what other circumstances you are looking for to elaborate on. I was just throwing out a general scenario. When my father died he left everything to his new wife and screwed my brother and I over, which is why I asked. We got nothing nor did we contest anything because his wife didn't like us. Then in this newspaper story it was the opposite: the husband left $5k to his wife so she could have money to "relocate out of the house" and gave the daughter everything else.

As the child who got screwed over, I don't think a spouse should get everything. Yet, after reading the other news story, I don't think it is fair for the spouse to get uprooted out of their home so the kid can have it all, either. If you helped build a life with your spouse, how would you think that's being "entitled?" If anything, expecting to get an inheritance just because you are the (adult) child of a parent is more of a situation of feeling entitled, I would think.

Anyway, both situations are imbalanced. But it's difficult to decide as well. I don't know what I'd do if I was in that situation. But I do know how it feels to be someone who was forgotten about by a parent. You feel betrayed. But on the flip side, I'd feel betrayed, too, if my husband left everything to the children and nothing to me. It would make me wonder why he didn't just live with his children and make a home with them instead. It would show me he didn't value the relationship as much as he claimed to. You can't call someone a wife or husband and then treat them as if they are not equals.

Also, if I was that woman in the story and my husband told me "when I die you get $5k to relocate and the rest goes to my daughter," I would immediately buy a lotto ticket every day. And if the day came where I miraculously won millions of dollars, I'd cut my so-called husband a check for $5k and tell him "here's your share! Now watch me as I go relocate without you!"

My mother is remarried . Her assets are left to me and my brother . My stepdad his assets are left to his kids. Work and government pensions cannot be left to children so those are left to the spouses .

My mother is remarried . Her assets are left to me and my brother . My stepdad his assets are left to his kids. Work and government pensions cannot be left to children so those are left to the spouses .

Cool. Thanks for the info!

IMO, spouses-- particularly those not the parent of one's children-- are who you have life insurance clauses, survivor's benefits, etc for. Inheritance is for the children.

If you're coming into a mixed family, simple solution is to not become financially dependent on your spouse. Their children likely will and in fact should come first. That's a reality you need to take in before entering such a relationship, much less marrying into it.

Even in cases where the children aren't old enough to manage their inheritance themselves, I'd consider a responsible and emotionally invested biological relative to be a more ideal "trickle down" source than a former step-parent.

If you're coming into a mixed family, simple solution is to not become financially dependent on your spouse. Their children likely will and in fact should come first. That's a reality you need to take in before entering such a relationship, much less marrying into it.

No I don't believe that, but as Clio was saying it depends on the circumstances. Children should be considered, but ultimately your spouse comes first. There are many different scenarios. One could be that as a result of the marriage you are able to pool resources and be able to collect assets much faster. Children from previous relationships have no right really to that enrichment. This is basically what it ultimately comes down to whether something is "unfair" enrichment.

IMO, spouses-- particularly those not the parent of one's children-- are who you have life insurance clauses, survivor's benefits, etc for. Inheritance is for the children.

 

If you're coming into a mixed family, simple solution is to not become financially dependent on your spouse. Their children likely will and in fact should come first. That's a reality you need to take in before entering such a relationship, much less marrying into it.

 

Even in cases where the children aren't old enough to manage their inheritance themselves, I'd consider a responsible and emotionally invested biological relative to be a more ideal "trickle down" source than a former step-parent.

Thanks for the input. But what about situations where there is no life insurance policy or pension? I wonder what happens then....

I think it's your money, you leave it to whoever the he|| you want.

If I die and my daughter is 6 years old, I would leave everything to my husband because I know that he will take care of her.

If I die and my daughter is 35 years old, I'd probably give most everything to my daughter and leave my husband with our retirement and my life insurance money to cover my funeral.

There is no one right answer. You just do what you feel is best for your situation.

I know for myself there are things my mother has that had ZERO to do with my step father. They were given to her by my biological father . ( my mom married my stepdad when I was a grown adult of 27 . And he has been a wonderful influence in my life and better to me than my own father ) however I still don't think he is entitled to things that belonged to my mother decades before he entered her life .

I think it's your money, you leave it to whoever the he|| you want.

 

If I die and my daughter is 6 years old, I would leave everything to my husband because I know that he will take care of her.

 

If I die and my daughter is 35 years old, I'd probably give most everything to my daughter and leave my husband with our retirement and my life insurance money to cover my funeral.

 

There is no one right answer. You just do what you feel is best for your situation.

Sounds reasonable. I guess I'm a bit bitter and overly interested in this question not only because my father (and my mother someday because I have no contact with her) screwed me over, but also because a past partner of mine almost did as well. The man literally begged me to be his wife without being his legal wife. I spent about $50k of my money on him the few years we were together. He constantly referred to me as a wife and even married us in a ceremony he performed since he was a Baptist minister.

Then about three years into the relationship he brings up his will. He tells me he's leaving everything worth any money to his two children -- whom he had zero contact with -- and leaving me his run down house that had a $200k mortgage which I couldn't afford. LOL. I was like, "ummm no thanks. Keep your house."

Long story short, we broke up eventually (after he sucked all of my money out of me, as well as my sanity) and then lost his house for not paying the mortgage a year later (i.e. Because I was no longer around to fund his lifestyle). Did I mention he married a woman with terminal cancer before me so he could get her pension?... spent that with a quickness on himself as well.

Anyway... wills and inheritance are a sore subject for me. So every time I see a story like this I get uncomfortable. I don't expect anything from my current partner when he dies and told him as such. I'd rather live in a van down by the river than have to deal with anymore shady, greedy people and their messed up ideas of "inheritance." lol. I've also learned never to be too generous with my money. If I ever come into money in this lifetime, you can rest assured that it's not going to be spent on a man who is going to use me and then discard me when the well runs dry. That is for certain. Lesson learned (finally). Time to be selfish for once and think of myself.

The way I see my relationship with my child is forever . He is forever my son and no matter who I married that will never ever ever ever ever ever change he still my son no matter what. I gave birth to him. So say if I ever remarried not that I ever would ( I am married to his dad and will be for life ) why would that person be more deserving than the person I gave birth to ?

I am sorry for what you have suffered though . Most likely all I will ever inherit from my father are his last bills .

But don't let one loser make you jaded.

The way I see my relationship with my child is forever . He is forever my son and no matter who I married that will never ever ever ever ever ever change he still my son no matter what. I gave birth to him. So say if I ever remarried not that I ever would ( I am married to his dad and will be for life ) why would that person be more deserving than the person I gave birth to ?

Wish you were around to talk to my parents!

I know for myself there are things my mother has that had ZERO to do with my step father. They were given to her by my biological father . ( my mom married my stepdad when I was a grown adult of 27 . And he has been a wonderful influence in my life and better to me than my own father ) however I still don't think he is entitled to things that belonged to my mother decades before he entered her life .

Totally agree. This is why being specific in a will is important.

Wish you were around to talk to my parents!

Well, my dad sounds like yours.

Totally agree. This is why being specific in a will is important.

Yes , both my mother and my stepfather have a specific wills about what they give to each other and what they give to their own separate children specifically .

Now my husband and I we have been together our entire adult life and we just have our one child so everything is about each other and our child so we don't think of anything separate . And every single thing that we have we have built together and have left to each other .

Sounds reasonable. I guess I'm a bit bitter and overly interested in this question not only because my father (and my mother someday because I have no contact with her) screwed me over, but also because a past partner of mine almost did as well. The man literally begged me to be his wife without being his legal wife. I spent about $50k of my money on him the few years we were together. He constantly referred to me as a wife and even married us in a ceremony he performed since he was a Baptist minister.

 

Then about three years into the relationship he brings up his will. He tells me he's leaving everything worth any money to his two children -- whom he had zero contact with -- and leaving me his run down house that had a $200k mortgage which I couldn't afford. LOL. I was like, "ummm no thanks. Keep your house."

 

Long story short, we broke up eventually (after he sucked all of my money out of me, as well as my sanity) and then lost his house for not paying the mortgage a year later (i.e. Because I was no longer around to fund his lifestyle). Did I mention he married a woman with terminal cancer before me so he could get her pension?... spent that with a quickness on himself as well.

 

Anyway... wills and inheritance are a sore subject for me. So every time I see a story like this I get uncomfortable. I don't expect anything from my current partner when he dies and told him as such. I'd rather live in a van down by the river than have to deal with anymore shady, greedy people and their messed up ideas of "inheritance." lol. I've also learned never to be too generous with my money. If I ever come into money in this lifetime, you can rest assured that it's not going to be spent on a man who is going to use me and then discard me when the well runs dry. That is for certain. Lesson learned (finally). Time to be selfish for once and think of myself.

My reference to inheritance includes the biological parent's assets, as in what isn't a shared investment in one form or the other between them and the non-parental spouse. If you're pooling assets, then both your names should be on whatever you're pooling into and this would be a non-issue as the children can't just take over what's in your name regardless of whether your partner tries to write into the will. In other words, if you share a mortgage and title and the partner croaks, the children don't just take over your name. If you both have your names on a brokerage account and he dies, the assets don't simply get liquidated and distributed to his kids.

In my mind, completely separate from a guy taking your money and running with it, offering to leave you a hefty mortgage and a painting of a middle finger.

This is a completely separate issue from prioritizing children over a non-parental partner in a will. This is you making an insecure monetary investment and standing to lose all of it. Yes, that sucks.

 

My reference to inheritance includes the biological parent's assets, as in what isn't a shared investment in one form or the other between them and the non-parental spouse. If you're pooling assets, then both your names should be on whatever you're pooling into and this would be a non-issue as the children can't just take over what's in your name regardless of whether your partner tries to write into the will. In other words, if you share a mortgage and the partner croaks, the children don't just take over your name. If you both have your names on a brokerage account and he dies, the assets don't simply get liquidated and distributed to his kids.

 

In my mind, completely separate from a guy taking your money and running with it, offering to leave you a hefty mortgage and a painting of a middle finger.

Exactly , why should my stepdad get rings that were given to my mother by my biological father? What do they have to do with him besides nothing . However I'm not there clamouring for her life insurance and leaving him destitute . He can't collect her Canada pension because he already collects his previous wife's who passed away years ago . Plus he has collected a widower's pension for 30 years . So my mother's Canada pension will just go back to the Canadian government

when she passes on as children can't collect.

I am sorry for what you have suffered though . Most likely all I will ever inherit from my father are his last bills .

 

But don't let one loser make you jaded.

Eh it's okay. Thanks for your kind words though. Like I said I'm bitter but not totally bitter to the point of giving up just yet. Some may say it's just my "karma" and if it is, then it is. All I can do is accept all of these messed up relationships and financial unfairness as the way they are with some dignity and grace. I mean it's all just money and stuff at the end of the day. It doesn't matter much to me in that sense. Like I said I could live out of a van and be perfectly content. The issue is that this has caused me to deeply examine my relationships (especially parental and past partnerships) and realize just how wrongly I've been treated. And it hurts to see that I have no one to blame but myself. I've been with men who used me and took advantage of my generous nature. And because of that it has caused me to have zero savings and a lot of debt. My current partner-- although we have other issues-- is the most generous partner I've ever been with. It's more equal with him. But again I don't expect nor want anything from him if he dies first. His son is just too impossible to deal with and he has a lot of anger issues. Although in the same instance it would hurt to know if he valued his son more than me. I know we can't put a price on love, but to me, having been screwed over by so many people (especially my own parents), it would hurt if he DIDN'T think of me at least equally to his son. NOT SAYING that I would accept half or anything from his estate. It's more of a case of "it's the thought that counts." Money can be made. Things can be bought. No big deal. But what can't be bought is knowing that someone really did love you and care about you as they said they did. "Money talks, bull**** walks," as the saying goes. And with some people you can really tell how they feel about you when money enters the picture, sadly.

If I had money and lots of resources, the first thing I'd do would be write up a will and make sure everyone I cared about didn't have to worry when I died. I guess I just place such importance on this issue because of what's happened to me. It's an expression of care and love, in my mind. You're being thoughtful. Considerate. Protective. I dunno. Maybe it's just me.

Honestly as a partner in that situation, I would not expect inheritance to come to me. I wouldn't bank on being 'taken care of' in terms of assets or incomes my partner had. I'd have my own income, my own assets, and not look to be 'enriched' by what my partner earned in his lifetime.

What is built together is another thing completely.

I'd expect inheritance to go to children.

It's so important to keep wills and legal documents up to date. And again, if I were in that situation, I would want open dialogues and transparency on both ends. That's always important in a committed relationship.

In my mind, completely separate from a guy taking your money and running with it, offering to leave you a hefty mortgage and a painting of a middle finger.

The painting line totally made me LOL.

Thanks for the other parts of your informative post. I guess I'm just mixing up "proof that someone loves you" with "what you receive in an inheritance". Yes, I know I shouldn't depend on anyone and look after myself when entering a mixed family relationship. Totally agree. The thing is, I fell for the "I love you and will take care of you" line three times already. Each time I ended up taking care of the other person. Yes, I'm that stupid. And yes I've finally learned my lesson. It just pains me that I'm wary of my current partner's will now due to over thinking about this thread and revisiting my past financial woes. In my mind I'll always be judging his actions in terms of how he views me in his will. He calls me his wife, too, but we aren't legally married. It just reminds me of my last partner and I start to worry. But the only difference is that my current partner has been fair and balanced with money and I make sure to pay my way as always, so it's all good.

Anyway I'm babbling. Thanks again for everyone's input. Money really does bring out some crazy behaviors from people. When I have money, all I want to do is help people with it and be generous (my current partner, luckily, is the same way). But as I've realized, that's just as bad as being stingy with it. If you don't have clarity on the situation, being generous can be just as stupid and a problem as being selfish.