Guys, please help me understand this man. I'm so CONFUSED!!!

Hi, everyone,

 

I'm stressed out over a guy I'm dating, and started scouring the web for dating forums. It feels easier to share here than with friends who I might annoy.

 

Anyway, met this guy seven months ago, he's a friend of a couple of friends, and he definitely pursued me. I've been single for a LONG time (I'm a single mom) and am very cautious about dating. I originally didn't want to give him my number, but he persisted (we were at a friend's party) so I did. He then began pursuing me, and I was a little aloof, guarding my heart, but we did go on a date and text a lot. We talked sometimes. Fast forward 3 months and after the birthday celebration for our mutual friend, he seduced me. After sex, he pretty much begged me not to shut him out.

 

So we start seeing each other, but he's busy, and I'm busy, so we see each other maybe once a week. My birthday comes along a couple of weeks later and he stands me up after we made plans the night before. I don't hear from him for a week and I'm pissed because I hadn't had sex in years and didn't expect a guy who'd spent 3 months telling me how much he was into me to do that. Anyway, he reaches out, apologizes, tells me that when he's stressed he retreats into his shell, and there's a court case he's involved in (business) and he was super stressed. He asked for another chance.

 

Here's another thing. Despite him calling me his girlfriend nearly from the beginning, I kept saying (subtly) that if this was just sex, that was ok. I didn't want to rush into anything but after a long dry spell I was happy to be having sex--it was great!

 

We keep seeing each other around once a week, and his communication started to become less in between. But again, he's busy. Emotionally, I put him in the "booty call" category. Suddenly around two months ago, he starts being more romantic and emotional during sex...kind of threw me for a loop actually. Anyway, I'm still enjoying the sex but I guess I'm starting to believe his words about how much he likes me and wants to be with me.

 

About a month ago, I didn't hear from him for a solid week--no responses to my texts or calls--and this upsets me. If he waned to dump me, he should just say so--even via text. I finally hear from him and he said there was a family tragedy, so he 'retreated into his shell'. We get back on track. But suddenly, he's less talkative, calls when he wants to see me for sex, and doesn't always get back to me. I left him a message asking if this was all about the chase and asked why he would call me his girlfriend if he doesn't really feel that way when I didn't push him for that. He got the message and immediately called, was sorry, yada yada. He was busy, stressed. By this time, I've heard it all before.

 

I talked to our mutual friend about him, but they can't shed any real light, just agreed that he does retreat into a shell, and that I should have a frank convo with him. As if I haven't tried! I did hear from the friend that while I was being guarded in the beginning, he was asking her to put in a good word for him.

 

Anyway, he's a bit better for two weeks, and about two weeks ago we get together on the weekend (after him not getting back to me about getting together during the week) and I ask point blank if I'm his girlfriend and he says of course, asks that I be patient, says he's used to being independent, knows he needs to be better at communicating and is trying. He lost a previous girlfriend over his lack of attention, but said he doesn't want to lose me.

 

But here we are, and it's just about a week since I've heard from him. My calls and texts have been ignored. I honestly don't understand this behavior. He did admit to being a player in the past, but said from the beginning that he was tired of that, it's gotten him nowhere. He said he wanted a future with me pretty early on (which I took with a grain of salt at the time).

 

In the past when I left my "What's going on, why haven't I heard from you?" messages, he has gotten back to me quickly. Now it's two days since my last message and no response. I specifically said that if he wants it to be over, just to let me know. Why leave me hanging?

 

So many things are going through my mind. Is he really the type to just retreat with stress and totally shut out his "girlfriend"? Is he living a double life? Did he meet someone else? Considering I have never pressured him, and only 2 weeks ago accepted him calling me his girlfriend, he shouldn't feel terrified about upsetting me. I have not been pressuring him for more. So what's going on? I've dated players, and typically players know how to keep a girl happy, even if he has her on a string. At least some communication and sweet talk can make such a difference.

 

I'm considering at this point just blocking him and moving on, but I admit I'm hurt. I was actually letting my guard down with him. I also didn't expect him to screw over a mutual friend's friend. The other part of me wants to continue the sex if we agree this is just a booty call situation, but perhaps that's just because it's been nice to have sex again. I don't have the energy to try to find someone else, and the sex was hot. I definitely miss it.

 

If there's more going on, I have no clue what it might be--and at this point I don't want to sit around wondering. If he's going through something serious, I wish he'd clue me in. It's possible that he's not really over his ex, though they'd been broken up for seven months when we met. Maybe he's just a liar who feels he had to tell me all this romantic crap to keep me on a string. All I know is I'm going crazy trying to understand why someone would pursue you, call you his girlfriend, and then treat you this way. I'm used to guys wanting to have sex with me because I'm very attractive, and that's why I take what most say with a grain of salt. But this is ridiculous.

 

Any men out there, can you help me understand? I'm so confused. At least writing this has made me feel a little better. I needed to vent.

You're overthinking.

 

This is simple, he's a flake!

 

Instead of spending so much energy trying to figure him out, spend that energy figuring out why you continue to tolerate this much BS.

 

I get needing lone time (in his 'shell'), but not when it entaills standing you up (on your birthday?), ignoring you, and disappearing for long periods of time.

 

And sorry I don't buy his excuses, court, family tragedy, etc, give me a break.

 

Me thinks your BS meter needs some fine tuning, he's a scammer, sorry.

I second what Katrina said, all of it. "In his shell" is an excuse he uses on you and it works. Stood you up on your birthday and you still want him? Please show him that you know your self-worth by canning his a$$. He'll try to reel you back in so look out and be strong. I doubt he will change despite what he tries to say. You can try to keep him for sex, but understand that it will still be only when he wants, and that can be degrading for you. Sorry Better guys exist! Don't waste any more time with him.

You're overthinking.

 

This is simple, he's a flake!

 

Instead of spending so much energy trying to figure him out, spend that energy figuring out why you continue to tolerate this much BS.

 

I get needing lone time (in his 'shell'), but not when it entaills standing you up (on your birthday?), ignoring you, and disappearing for long periods of time.

 

And sorry I don't buy his excuses, court, family tragedy, etc, give me a break.

 

Me thinks your BS meter needs some fine tuning, he's a scammer, sorry.

 

Hi, thanks. To be clear, my BS meter is on high alert, which is why I told him from the beginning this was about sex and decided it was about sex. The birthday part was early into our relationship (at which point I was pissed and done, but yes, I gave him another chance). What I'm really trying to understand, from a guy's perspective, is WHY this level of BS when you have someone who is okay with hooking up and isn't asking for more? I guess it really doesn't matter. I get that if I was clingy and demanding a real relationship he might feel the need to lie. Maybe he didn't believe me when I told him casual sex was okay. Anyway, this game has exhausted itself. Maybe he's just a scam artist and that's what he enjoys. Sadly, I didn't get that at all from our mutual friends, so it's kind of weird.

I never said I wanted a real relationship with him, especially after the birthday part. However, because the sex was enjoyable I was okay with continuing the sex. But he can't even do casual hookups well (heck, string me along a little, send some BS texts). Since I don't sleep around I was okay keeping the arrangement, but ultimately I feel really disrespected and I can have casual sex but I don't deserve disrespect. I think you're right...I will hear from him again, but I will probably just block his number from now. And you're right...recently at least the sex has only been when HE wanted it. I just don't understand this level of con when a woman isn't begging you for a relationship. Maybe it's an ego/dominance game for him, hoping that he could get me to fall for him. I would love a man to explain this crazy behavior! Anyway, thanks. Writing about this is helping me to focus on realizing that I let a liar sweet talk me. Probably wouldn't have happened if he wasn't friends with my friends. I really needed to vent here, because I didn't want to call him and tell him to off. I want him to see that I've just forgotten him and he's not worth another call from me.

By the way, re the family tragedy at least, someone did die--my friend knew of that. But still, if he were as into me as he claimed he wouldn't shut me out! Maybe he was hoping to stroke his ego by making me fall in love with him. I don't care anymore, I'm done.

Romantic Heart,

 

From my observational experience of my guy friends, experience with female friends asking for advice on their partners, and of course being a guy (with his own issues re. romance), I would guess it's probably as simple as he just doesn't have his s**t together. As you keenly observe, if it is a con or a game, he is doing terribly at it. As a self-admitted 'ex-player', he is deft at the chase and getting the girl, but, even if he genuinely wants more, he has no skill-set, nor apparently the self-awareness or motivation, to step up once he has them. It sounds like you have given him more than enough chances and expressed in no uncertain terms what he needs to do. He hasn't done it. I agree, move on.

 

T

No idea... At a minimum he is not all there. Not worth the headache or the effort really..

People waste too much time trying to understand, less time just dumping and moving on.

By the way, re the family tragedy at least, someone did die--my friend knew of that. But still, if he were as into me as he claimed he wouldn't shut me out! Maybe he was hoping to stroke his ego by making me fall in love with him.

Actions say more then words. Heed the actions next time, his actions clearly told you that he was in it for the bop and not much more. Since you didn't shut him down and continued to accept ill treatment from him, you gave him to okay to continue on with HIS way.

 

He did admit to being a player in the past,

Nothing has changed.

 

Next time a guy ignores you, YOU be the one to pull the plug. Certainly you can voice that what he did was not cool and that you deserve better then what he was offering. If after that he does it again, have the confidence to protect your own heart and get rid of him.

 

Chalk this up to a learning experience and thank him for making you that much more dating savvy for in the future when you're seriously looking to find a mutually giving partner. When he came along I don't believe you were or you would have just quit him the first time he showed you that he didn't really value you. He was safe because you knew he would not commit... that sub consciously suited you because you're not ready for anything like that anyway.

Methinks that you need to be a little more honest with yourself, OP. You are developing feelings for this d-bag, so you are wasting all this time and energy overthinking the obvious - yes, it's exactly what it looks like, dude is a total d-bag and is treating you like dirt.

 

Look, if it was just sex for you like you claim, then you wouldn't spend one second thinking about him, calling him, texting him, whatever. If he calls looking for sex or you do the same, then you boink if it's convenient or tell him another time if it's not and don't give it another thought. Instead you are acting like a lost puppy, why won't he call me back, why is he standing me up for dates, why, why, why. Because.....he is not that into you and doesn't actually care. Also, you are right that he is not that good at being a player as you aren't even getting the benefit of sweet talk and the thrill of being romanced.

 

Why would you waste your time and head space on such a loser who is treating you like garbage is the question you need to be asking yourself.

Romantic Heart,

 

From my observational experience of my guy friends, experience with female friends asking for advice on their partners, and of course being a guy (with his own issues re. romance), I would guess it's probably as simple as he just doesn't have his s**t together. As you keenly observe, if it is a con or a game, he is doing terribly at it. As a self-admitted 'ex-player', he is deft at the chase and getting the girl, but, even if he genuinely wants more, he has no skill-set, nor apparently the self-awareness or motivation, to step up once he has them. It sounds like you have given him more than enough chances and expressed in no uncertain terms what he needs to do. He hasn't done it. I agree, move on.

 

T

 

Yes, that sounds like it absolutely. He was great at the chase, but the ensuing BS I just don't understand. He clearly doesn't have it together! Oh well, I was enjoying the sex, but the headache now isn't worth it even one iota.

Methinks that you need to be a little more honest with yourself, OP. You are developing feelings for this d-bag, so you are wasting all this time and energy overthinking the obvious - yes, it's exactly what it looks like, dude is a total d-bag and is treating you like dirt.

 

Look, if it was just sex for you like you claim, then you wouldn't spend one second thinking about him, calling him, texting him, whatever. If he calls looking for sex or you do the same, then you boink if it's convenient or tell him another time if it's not and don't give it another thought. Instead you are acting like a lost puppy, why won't he call me back, why is he standing me up for dates, why, why, why. Because.....he is not that into you and doesn't actually care. Also, you are right that he is not that good at being a player as you aren't even getting the benefit of sweet talk and the thrill of being romanced.

 

Why would you waste your time and head space on such a loser who is treating you like garbage is the question you need to be asking yourself.

 

Yes, I admitted I was letting my guard down and I liked the arrangement. What I didn't like was the long periods of silence and the lies. I wouldn't call him all the time, but if we made plans and he bailed yeah I was upset. I guess I wanted to believe the BS he was telling me while still not being ready for a full commitment but being open to seeing where things will lead. It can be confusing when someone tells you all this sweet stuff and acts differently. But, I like what you say. He's clearly a douchebag and I just wanted to vent. Maybe I just feel like a sucker for letting a douchebag into my life after being single for a long time. I would have much preferred he say this was just sexual and not give me false promises.

No idea... At a minimum he is not all there. Not worth the headache or the effort really..

 

I agree. Thanks!

People waste too much time trying to understand, less time just dumping and moving on.

 

Yeah, this makes sense. I just don't expect people to be pathological liars especially when it's not necessary.

 

Next time a guy ignores you, YOU be the one to pull the plug. Certainly you can voice that what he did was not cool and that you deserve better then what he was offering. If after that he does it again, have the confidence to protect your own heart and get rid of him.

 

Good point. I think I will see if he calls again and then tell him that I'm not cool with his behavior. Other than that, I have refrained from calling him at all. Not worth it.

He sounds confused and like a bit of a lost soul. He tells you that you're his girlfriend, yet he treats you as if your relationship is strictly casual. He continues to use the same excuse about retreating into his shell because it works and you take him back. My guess is that the longer you stay with him, the more he'll test the boundaries with you because he expects that you'll just forgive him and take him back. He sounds selfish and manipulative. If he cared about your feelings and how he treated you, this wouldn't be happening. Sounds to me like you've given him enough chances. I'd let him go. Why continue to torture yourself.

>>He sounds confused and like a bit of a lost soul.

 

Oh lawdy this^ is just gonna attract her more and keep her hooked in. lol

 

These "confused lost souls" are sometimes difficult to resist!

 

However, to me he doesn't sound "confused" or "lost."

 

I agree with the rest of your post milly, he sounds self-absorbed, manipulative, disinterested and flakey, and is pushing boundaries for the reasons you mentioned.

 

OP, pls get rid, and next time have higher standards for yourself.

>>He sounds confused and like a bit of a lost soul.

 

Oh lawdy this^ is just gonna attract her more and keep her hooked in. lol

 

These "confused lost souls" are sometimes difficult to resist!

 

However, to me he doesn't sound "confused" or "lost."

 

I agree with the rest of your post milly, he sounds self-absorbed, manipulative, disinterested and flakey, and is pushing boundaries for the reasons you mentioned.

 

OP, pls get rid, and next time have higher standards for yourself.

 

I don't know why being a lost soul or confused would keep the OP hooked. He could even be experiencing a form of depression. Who knows. Either way, he's being a jerk, regardless of the reasons.

 

Sounds to me like she wants someone who knows what he wants, says what he wants, and follows through. .

 

This dude is just meandering about and doing what he wants when it's convenient for him.

 

My point is, this guy's wasting her time, so I'm hoping OP moves on.

Well I agree with you he's wasting her time, a flake, disinterested and "meandering" about, but for me, when a man I'm very into seems "confused and lost," my protective, nurturing nature kicks in and I tend to want to make it "all better."

 

Definitely NOT healthy for me, but it is what it is. I do many things that aren't healthy, trying to change my unhealthy patterns.

 

But as I said, *this* guy doesn't seem that way, he's just a straight up flake and not interested, and everything else you said, which I agreed with.

Because some people want to "save" others.

 

'Oh, he's just so lost! Poor guy, he must be struggling. He needs someone like me to give him unconditional love, the love he's been missing all his life! Once he sees how much I love him and how I stay no matter what, he'll realize how good we are together!!'

 

I never buy this, BTW. People do what works for them. He's getting what he wants, so why would he change anything?

Because some people want to "save" others.

 

'Oh, he's just so lost! Poor guy, he must be struggling. He needs someone like me to give him unconditional love, the love he's been missing all his life! Once he sees how much I love him and how I stay no matter what, he'll realize how good we are together!!'

 

I never buy this, BTW. People do what works for them. He's getting what he wants, so why would he change anything?

 

I only "buy" it when I am VERY into him, and it's genuine.

 

I mean there have been times when *I* feel confused and lost!

 

No different for men from time to time, we're all human.

 

And when we care we want to help, at least I do.

 

Agree it's probably unhealthy (said that). Depending on the circumstances.

 

But again, this guy, NO.

 

Fortunately, despite my "issues" I can easily differentiate between genuinely lost/confused and flakey! LOL

Yeah, this makes sense. I just don't expect people to be pathological liars especially when it's not necessary.

 

But the truth is you made it necessary for him to lie. You played the 'I don't want a relationship, but I do' game many many many women play. So you're busy trying to play calm as a cucumber while you're being treated like trash and all he has to do is say a few sweet words and he gets low maintenance booty.

Men will gleefully call you their "girlfriend" their "wife", whatever it takes when they want sex from you. Those are just words for some people, and in this case, words without any actual effort. You are doing too much worrying for this, especially since it doesn't even sound like you two are actually together. No offense but if this were a real relationship, you two would be connected, in each others lives. He sounds like a user