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Thread: Any ladies to make me understand please!!

  1. #1
    RG2017

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    Any ladies to make me understand please!!

    Hi all!

    I need some input and advice here...especially from the ladies who have been in this situation or can at least understand where my ex-girlfriend is coming from.

    I'm 42 she's 32...we met 9 months ago and it was an immediate connection! We decided not to date anyone else after that date. We're both experienced in the dating scene and realized that we had found is what we were looking for.

    It was love at first sight and everything was great...2 months later I had to leave town for a couple of months (work related)...of course we had some issues while I was gone but we worked through them and we were seeing each other every other weekend.

    Before I left for this work trip, my lease was up and we decided to move my stuff to her house and we move in together after I get back (I know too soon)...

    I came back and decided to take the summer off (3 months) so we can spend time together and take care of the puppy we got together.

    We had our issues during that time but it was crazy love...we discussed marriage and we're ready for it! I met her family and got their blessings when and if the time is right.

    I have a lot of stress in my life and she was going through a lot of stress and problems at work during summer... once I yelled at her and we kinda broke up and stayed together! She was very angry and she knew that about me! She realized all the stress I was going through and I worked on myself and showed her how much I care for her and sorry for what I did! She went out of town for 4 days and while she was gone she was texting me the whole time and came back telling me she's definitely in love with me and wants us to be together forever....so she forgave me.

    For a couple of weeks after that she was in a bad mood due to work (worried about getting fired and trying to find a new job, until today) and I tried to make things easier on her...we had planned a vacation together for 2 weeks in mid-late August. We had a great time on that vacation and of course we had minor arguments but overall it was a B+.

    We got back and she was amazing with me for 10-15 days until one evening for no solid reason I f-ed up and I screamed at her for nothing (I was going through some stress the previous 3 days with issues related to my son and his mom..and I had told her that!

    It was totally my fault I admit to that! After that incident things got really weird between us, rightfully so...she was angry at me (it was the 2nd incident and had forgave me once before)

    Last week one morning she said she can't handle this and she needs her space...too much anxiety and stress...she's angry and mad at me and pretty much she wanted me to move out! She kept talking and I stayed quiet so she can say everything she wanted! Then asked if she's done, then I told her I have to go and I understood where she was coming from and what she wants. The same day I started looking for apartments and moved out 3 days after that incident.

    The day before I moved out we had the chance to spend it together...she talked about how much she really needs to be alone for now and how angry she is at me..that I disappointed her! Which I took responsibility for! She said it's 70% my fault and 30% hers.

    During our talk (in my mind it's a breakup)..but she kept indicating no it is going to be for now but she believes that we will get back together! (Didn't decide a date). She kept saying she wants me to date her and stay in touch. I admit that the past couple of months my focus was on her and our puppy (95%of the time), a big mistake by my part. Even her family told her we are soulmates (what she told me)! I kept telling her hopefully but I doubt it! She responded you're so pessimistic!!

    We even discussed that we can see other people just for sex and made me promise that I/we will use protection (we're both sexually open but we're not in an open relationship)...which is fine with me.

    Now it has been 5 days with no contact...I need time for myself and she needs time as well.

    She's the kind who can have sex with someone and it means nothing. So I knew that she got back in touch with an old FWB of hers whom she cut all ties with when she met me. For me I looked at it as she wants to have sex with that guy only until we see what happens between us. She made it clear that she is not interested in dating. And I know for a fact she never cheated on me....also the day before I moved out I asked her directly and told her to be honest if she met someone that she hasn't done anything with but wants to explore the opportunity. She answered no. (I believe her).

    The day I moved out she had to go to work and I left her roses with a card saying that I respect her wishes and her needs...and of course I still love her and this move might be the best thing that could happen for our relationship or I fear it might be the biggest mistake of our lives! And that I love her and if she needs anything she can contact me.
    Btw, yesterday was my birthday and something inside me was hoping she would send me a text but my mind was saying she won't.

    I really would like to understand what she really wants...is it completely over? Is it a test? Was she saying these things about getting back together just to not make me angry (I kept my cool the whole time)...I know she's a straight forward person and she means what she says.

    Shall I contact her after 10 days of moving out? Shall I even try to win her back or forget about her?

    I would really appreciate any guidance here and plan of what to do if I want her back. Thanks!

  2. #2
    Giblesp
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    You cant scream at women for no apparent reason. You need to work on your stress levels before dating someone.

  3. #3
    RG2017

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    Thank you for your advice...I know I shouldn't and it was totally my fault! I have been working on myself! Hope you can help me answer the questions in my thread!

  4. #4
    ThatwasThen
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    What man would be serious about a woman that keeps an eff buddy on speed dial, breaks up with him and then tells him you can screw other girls but keep dating me? O.O That is not a woman to take seriously.

    I didn't think any man worth having would accept that from any chick that he was actually in love with unless they were already into poly.


    ... and yes, work on how you handle stress (with the help of a professional if need be) because you're going to scare any girl you're with by acting out like that. Is she the only one that triggered you like that or have you a history of that sort of thing?

  5. #5
    Chelsea54
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    It sounds very confusing and unstable. If you are both ok with sexually open relationships, then you're not ready for a traditional marriage.
    It sounds like you need to set some boundaries related to your ex wife in terms of how she affects you emotionally and how you bring that stress into your current relationship. Also sounds like you bring work stress into the relationship. It also seems like decisions are being made without discussion/agreement, like moving in together when you know it's too early, getting a pet together but you're not engaged, asking her family for their blessing when you weren't really ready to be engaged.
    I'm not sure why you would get back together if you know she's physically with someone else, but if you do, then my advice is to slow everything down and see how it goes.

  6. #6
    RG2017

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    Thank you Chelsea for your response! We didn't have an open relationship...we pretty much agreed that if we hookup with other people while we are on this break or breakup just to be careful...it's just wanting to be honest with each other!

    But what I am trying to figure out is if she is in fact still interested in this relationship or working on it after all the problems we have going on now (work stress etc.) or she is not!!? From a woman's prospective....take into consideration our last night together whenever she mentioned it I told her it might not happen, her response was "don't be pessimistic!"

    Thanks

  7. #7
    Thainara
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    Everything sounds very weird. When you love someone, you don't feel like or even have energy to sleep with someone else right after the BU. It just doesn't happen. I'm not sure how was the dynamics between you two but it sounds for me she's taking you for granted. Did you behave like a doormat after yelling at her? Maybe she knows that at a snap of a finger she can have you back and after you scream at her, she got mad and decided to punish you.

    Maybe after a couple of months and many orgasms she'll want to get back to you. It's up to you to get her back or have some self-respect and move on.

  8. #8
    abitbroken
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    I think the whole thing was way too intense -- moving in too soon, getting a puppy - then taking 3 whole months off to "just spend time together" - you do that when you have a new baby - not to just date someone. As far as screaming at someone - at 42 - you are old enough where you should have worked through that tendency by now. I think this whole thing was a physical connection that burned quickly. I would consider the relationship over and i agree with the above -- who asks to "have sex with others as long as they use protection". She might have felt a bit smothered and also wanted to sleep around. you really didn't know her all that well before you dove in

  9. #9
    MissCanuck
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    Way too much, way too soon.

    This burned out quickly because you both rushed this relationship. You moved in and got all domestic far too fast; that should still be the stage when you're getting to know someone, not buying puppies and thinking about marriage. This is why taking your time to date each other and learn about each other is criticial. My guess is that she realized she's just not ready for all of this and felt suffocated, even if she was initially on board. The honeymoon ended too quickly and she wanted out.

    I don't think she is very serious about reconciliation someday, to be honest. A woman in love would generally have a very hard time bouncing right back to FWB after breaking up with said man, simply because it's too emotionally painful to sleep with someone else so soon. Unless she's the type who needs constant validation from other men to feel good about herself (and she might be) I see her immediate return to her FWB as a big red flag that she just wasn't as into you as you thought. Whose idea was it that sex with others is okay? Probably hers, right? Yes, she is free to do what she wants now. But the fact this guy was still in her realm of thought and easily accessible is not good.

    Having said that, you also demonstrated some red-flag behaviour. Screaming at her for no reason? I'd tell you to scram too. You simply must get control over that.

  10. #10
    hyden
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    'But she knew that about me.'

    'I told her.'

    You are making excuses for your angry outbursts. I would say that you are too immature to manage a relationship, but you are 42. At this stage, I would seek out counseling to try and figure out why it is difficult for you to control your emotions. She sounds rather unstable herself. All this fighting in a relationship that is months old. Cant see this ending well.

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