I don't trust my partner

Hi guys, I'm new to this and never posted about my relationship before. I'm 24 and my partner is 35 and has 3 kids. I don't have any. At the beginning of our relationship everything was great. I didn't mind the kids at all and actually got along with them. After a couple of months i snooped through my boyfriends Facebook and found out that he was texting ithe girls at the beginning of our relationship. After that I always snoop through his things. I never found anything since so I don't think he would do it to me again but I still get a nagging feeling to check his phone anytime I get a chance. I know it's wrong but it's like an addiction that I have. I suffe with anxiety and depression and constantly worry about everything. I hate his kids mother. She is a constant presence in our lives, constantly texting and ringing. Anytime he gets an alert on his phone I always thinks it's her again. They do always talk about the kids and nothing else from what I can see. He never rings her in front of me and when I pull him up on it he says he doesn't want my anxiety to kick in if he is talking to her. He caught me snooping his Facebook last night and now he doesn't trust me and we are on the verge of breaking up. I don't know what to do 😫 Someone please help

You need to get a hold over your general anxiety because its causing you to do things that will result in your being broken up with. Are you in therapy for the anxiety and depression? Are you on the proper meds to control your anxiety?

I really think you should address your addiction to snooping on him with a therapist. Perhaps if he sees you are actually doing something tangible to get over your inappropriate behaviour, he'll stay with and support you while you work on your issues.

Nothing you have described in your opening post would indicate that you would need to snoop on him. If you can't accept that he NEEDS to be in contact with his ex about their children then you should just end the relationship now. It is unhealthy thinking that he shouldn't talk to the mother of his children about those children.

Hiya thanks for replying. Ye I've already been to counselling about this issue and it's still not resolved. In the past he did delete messages from her. Messages he says were harmless but why delete them if they were harmless??? I'm snooping because it's like I'm waiting for him to delete things again I'm just addicted to it I know it's wrong I just don't know what to do. I get so much relief when I know he isn't doing me wrong I think that's why I'm so addicted to it

Hiya thanks for replying. Ye I've already been to counselling about this issue and it's still not resolved. In the past he did delete messages from her. Messages he says were harmless but why delete them if they were harmless??? I'm snooping because it's like I'm waiting for him to delete things again I'm just addicted to it I know it's wrong I just don't know what to do. I get so much relief when I know he isn't doing me wrong I think that's why I'm so addicted to it

How much relief are you going to be feeling when he breaks up with you for it?

 

He deletes the messages because he knows you're going to snoop on him and it's none of your business not to mention he deleted them so that you'd not get paranoid about them.

You cross his boundaries in an obsessive manner and if therapy isn't working for you then get yourself another therapist. You are going to self-sabotage all of your relationships if you can't control your addiction.

I know I won't feel relief if we break up. I always think in the back of my mind he still has feelings for his ex. I just can't get it out of my head. Maybe the pressure of being with someone who has 3 kids when I don't is getting to me. I know I'm a jealous person I do admit that. It's just the hardest relationship I've ever been in. I know I need to change. I just don't know how when I constantly feel like crap. I love him so much I don't want to lose him. I know if I don't change I will.

I know I won't feel relief if we break up. I always think in the back of my mind he still has feelings for his ex. I just can't get it out of my head. Maybe the pressure of being with someone who has 3 kids when I don't is getting to me. I know I'm a jealous person I do admit that. It's just the hardest relationship I've ever been in. I know I need to change. I just don't know how when I constantly feel like crap. I love him so much I don't want to lose him. I know if I don't change I will.

Love has very little to do with why a relationship works. Lots of people leave people they love because the relationship isn't do-able. (Think the spouse of an alcoholic for instance who loves his wife/her husband but she can't live with his drinking). You cannot handle the fact that he will always be in contact with the mother of his children. That is your reason to leave the relationship. You would do better with a guy that had no children and didn't believe in stacking up his ex's in the guise of being 'friends'.

If you were my girlfriend I would have broken up with you already. I understand that people are curious and all that. But you have an obsession. This is unhealthy for you and him. Living like someone is always watching over your shoulder.

If he breaks up with you I would not be surprised at all. You need to work on your issues and be with someone that does not need to be in contact with his ex.

If you can't trust then you can't be in a healthy relationship. It sounds like you need a lot more personal work before you can fully capable of a long term committed relationship.

A good start might be to tell him to password protect his phone so you can't snoop because you clearly can't stop yourself.

Yeh I know it’s unhealthy living like this. For me and him. My paranoia gets the better out of me at times and I feel that I’m going to have a mental breakdown. Maybe we are just not right for each other.... yeh sometimes I think that maybe I’m too young taking on 3 kids. It’s not an average relationship and I never dated men with kids before. He treats me so well and we both love each other I know that. It’s just hard sometimes i want to run away but love is keeping me here

He doesn’t want to password protect his phone, he wants to be able to trust me. I just don’t trust myself

Yeh I know it’s unhealthy living like this. For me and him. My paranoia gets the better out of me at times and I feel that I’m going to have a mental breakdown. Maybe we are just not right for each other.... yeh sometimes I think that maybe I’m too young taking on 3 kids. It’s not an average relationship and I never dated men with kids before. He treats me so well and we both love each other I know that. It’s just hard sometimes i want to run away but love is keeping me here

Then I suspect he will take it until he can't anymore and then his kids will have to go through another of his breakups.

Get help, Shauna. They say if you replace one bad habit with a good one, it will replace the bad one after about two to three weeks of replacement. Start a hobby (try those adult colouring books that are all the craze now) and do it every time you have an urge to violate his privacy. Maybe that will cure you of this relationship ruining behaviour.

Good luck with it.