Codependency and moving on/or healing? Anyone with experience?

I don't know if I should put this topic in this part of the forum, because some sites says that codependency is a mental illness and others not. So since there's no "mental illness"-category here I'll post this here until it gets moved or removed.

 

Well, my story is long, but to put it shortly: I believe I'm a codependent person. And I don't know what to do about myself.

 

The long story is this:

It all started when I broke up with my girlfriend over a month ago. It wasn't planned. It was a heat of the moment-scenario. One day I just felt I had enough. Enough of the guilt and shame. So I felt like I had to break up.

 

She suffers from depression and anxiety, something she always had been open and honest about with me since we first started dating. I had no prior experience of dealing with mental illness before but she said that she had been dealing with it for seven years and that she took medication for it, so I felt no reason to worry about it. She seemed to have it under control and she was so confident and charming and interested in me that I fell head over heals for her. So after 4 months of dating we officially became a couple and everything felt great.

 

One month into our relationship her depression and anxiety started to show up. And in the beginning it was fine. I tried to be there for her as much as I could. Hold her. Comfort her. Listen. But more and more frequent she started to blame me for the anxiety attacks. It was always because of something I had done. It could be everything from things like that I had the wrong tone when we spoke over the phone, to me not buying her gifts more often or me not being grateful enough for a present she gotten me. Sometimes I actually did something stupid, like making a stupid joke on her behalf or not buying her flowers for our six month anniversary. I wasn't a perfect boyfriend and I deserved some blame for her anxiety from time to time, but I did my best every day to NOT be the reason for her anxiety. So much to the point that i stopped doing a lot of the things that made her upset and a lot of stuff that made me happy. If she got upset over me making plans with my friends on a day that she thought we were going to hang out, then I stopped making plans with friends (unless I knew she had other plans that day that didn't involve me). If she thought I wasn't telling her that I loved her enough, then I started to say it as often as I could. If she thought I didn't sound happy to hear her voice over the phone, then I always made sure my voice sounded cheerful whenever we spoke on the phone (no matter how tired or busy or sad I actually was). Whatever it was that made her upset I took it to heart and did my best to change that behavior for her, because there is nothing worse than hearing from the one that you love the most that they feel neglected, unloved or unappreciated.

 

But sooner or later she would get an anxiety attack over something and whenever she got an anxiety attack she would always tell me that she felt unloved, that I didn't care for her or her well being and I would always feel like the worst boyfriend in the world. I would apologize and promise to change. But after a while I started to feel like the pressure was becoming to big. Always taking the blame and being the reason for her anxiety while also being the only thing/person who could comfort her and make the anxiety go away became a burden. And I started being honest with her. I told her after the attacks that I felt like I had to walk on eggshells, that it felt like she was actively looking for things to blame me for, that I was afraid to say no to her and to make plans that didn't involve her. During our year as a couple I had seriously been thinking about breaking up with her like two times before I actually did it, but I could never do it. Because I loved her and she was the perfect girlfriend when she was happy and all was well. But every time that I told her how I felt she always reminded me of how unloved she felt and how my mistake that led to her anxiety was something to really be upset about. And I believed her every time and apologized. And every time we had a talk like that I begged her to get some kind of help for her anxiety. Yoga. Painting. A therapist. Anything. It went so far that I had to put it upon myself to get help, even though I never got around to it. Because one day I had enough.

 

We had just had a week of small arguments almost every day when she one day got anxiety and said that I didn't love her and had ditched her to be with friends that evening, while she was alone at home feeling sad and unloved, wanting to die. I told her that I could cancel my plans but she insisted I should meet them because otherwise she would feel worse about herself for "forcing me to be with her". Then the blame kept coming and I cancelled my plans went to her place and broke it off. I had reached my breaking point. Always being the reason for her anxiety. Always being the only thing that could sooth her. I felt awful about breaking up with her, but I realized that all this pressure made me unhappy and sad. So I felt that I had to break up with her...

 

I haven't felt good since then and whenever I do I hate myself for it. I feel like I abandoned someone who needs me. I feel like the worst person in the world. I feel like I don't deserve peace or happiness. So I've been googling a lot, trying to convince myself that I did the right thing. But the more I google the worse I feel. The more I read about anxiety and how it affects people and relationships, the more I feel like I gave up too soon. The more I read about how she behaved in the relationship the more I feel like I could have done more for her, put up some boundaries or being more harsh. The more I read about codependent relationships, the more I start to understand what we had and maybe how we could have changed that. Simply put: the more I google and think about it, the more I wish I had googled earlier, the more I wish I had known these things before I broke up with her, the more I wish things could have been different. Because I love her, even to this day. I just felt that the relationship took it's toll on me and that I one day caved in from all the pressure, blame and shame...

 

I'm going to get professional help as soon as I can, but until then, how do I cope with the guilt? How do I stop hate myself? How do I move on? How do I stop feeling responsible for her and her emotions? Or is there a way for us to get back together? How can I become better for her? How do I put up boundaries without risking her emotional well being? Am I even codependent or am I just telling myself that? Was I just an awful boyfriend?

I don't know if I should put this topic in this part of the forum, because some sites says that codependency is a mental illness and others not. So since there's no "mental illness"-category here I'll post this here until it gets moved or removed.

 

Well, my story is long, but to put it shortly: I believe I'm a codependent person. And I don't know what to do about myself.

 

The long story is this:

It all started when I broke up with my girlfriend over a month ago. It wasn't planned. It was a heat of the moment-scenario. One day I just felt I had enough. Enough of the guilt and shame. So I felt like I had to break up.

 

She suffers from depression and anxiety, something she always had been open and honest about with me since we first started dating. I had no prior experience of dealing with mental illness before but she said that she had been dealing with it for seven years and that she took medication for it, so I felt no reason to worry about it. She seemed to have it under control and she was so confident and charming and interested in me that I fell head over heals for her. So after 4 months of dating we officially became a couple and everything felt great.

 

One month into our relationship her depression and anxiety started to show up. And in the beginning it was fine. I tried to be there for her as much as I could. Hold her. Comfort her. Listen. But more and more frequent she started to blame me for the anxiety attacks. It was always because of something I had done. It could be everything from things like that I had the wrong tone when we spoke over the phone, to me not buying her gifts more often or me not being grateful enough for a present she gotten me. Sometimes I actually did something stupid, like making a stupid joke on her behalf or not buying her flowers for our six month anniversary. I wasn't a perfect boyfriend and I deserved some blame for her anxiety from time to time, but I did my best every day to NOT be the reason for her anxiety. So much to the point that i stopped doing a lot of the things that made her upset and a lot of stuff that made me happy. If she got upset over me making plans with my friends on a day that she thought we were going to hang out, then I stopped making plans with friends (unless I knew she had other plans that day that didn't involve me). If she thought I wasn't telling her that I loved her enough, then I started to say it as often as I could. If she thought I didn't sound happy to hear her voice over the phone, then I always made sure my voice sounded cheerful whenever we spoke on the phone (no matter how tired or busy or sad I actually was). Whatever it was that made her upset I took it to heart and did my best to change that behavior for her, because there is nothing worse than hearing from the one that you love the most that they feel neglected, unloved or unappreciated.

 

But sooner or later she would get an anxiety attack over something and whenever she got an anxiety attack she would always tell me that she felt unloved, that I didn't care for her or her well being and I would always feel like the worst boyfriend in the world. I would apologize and promise to change. But after a while I started to feel like the pressure was becoming to big. Always taking the blame and being the reason for her anxiety while also being the only thing/person who could comfort her and make the anxiety go away became a burden. And I started being honest with her. I told her after the attacks that I felt like I had to walk on eggshells, that it felt like she was actively looking for things to blame me for, that I was afraid to say no to her and to make plans that didn't involve her. During our year as a couple I had seriously been thinking about breaking up with her like two times before I actually did it, but I could never do it. Because I loved her and she was the perfect girlfriend when she was happy and all was well. But every time that I told her how I felt she always reminded me of how unloved she felt and how my mistake that led to her anxiety was something to really be upset about. And I believed her every time and apologized. And every time we had a talk like that I begged her to get some kind of help for her anxiety. Yoga. Painting. A therapist. Anything. It went so far that I had to put it upon myself to get help, even though I never got around to it. Because one day I had enough.

 

We had just had a week of small arguments almost every day when she one day got anxiety and said that I didn't love her and had ditched her to be with friends that evening, while she was alone at home feeling sad and unloved, wanting to die. I told her that I could cancel my plans but she insisted I should meet them because otherwise she would feel worse about herself for "forcing me to be with her". Then the blame kept coming and I cancelled my plans went to her place and broke it off. I had reached my breaking point. Always being the reason for her anxiety. Always being the only thing that could sooth her. I felt awful about breaking up with her, but I realized that all this pressure made me unhappy and sad. So I felt that I had to break up with her...

 

I haven't felt good since then and whenever I do I hate myself for it. I feel like I abandoned someone who needs me. I feel like the worst person in the world. I feel like I don't deserve peace or happiness. So I've been googling a lot, trying to convince myself that I did the right thing. But the more I google the worse I feel. The more I read about anxiety and how it affects people and relationships, the more I feel like I gave up too soon. The more I read about how she behaved in the relationship the more I feel like I could have done more for her, put up some boundaries or being more harsh. The more I read about codependent relationships, the more I start to understand what we had and maybe how we could have changed that. Simply put: the more I google and think about it, the more I wish I had googled earlier, the more I wish I had known these things before I broke up with her, the more I wish things could have been different. Because I love her, even to this day. I just felt that the relationship took it's toll on me and that I one day caved in from all the pressure, blame and shame...

 

I'm going to get professional help as soon as I can, but until then, how do I cope with the guilt? How do I stop hate myself? How do I move on? How do I stop feeling responsible for her and her emotions? Or is there a way for us to get back together? How can I become better for her? How do I put up boundaries without risking her emotional well being? Am I even codependent or am I just telling myself that? Was I just an awful boyfriend?

 

 

 

Hi there,

 

I can relate to your story for so many reasons. I have been posting here for 6 years now regarding a toxic relationship that I was in. I loved this man so intensely and he was my best friend and there were many good aspects to our relationship. However, he, like your ex, suffered from severe anxiety/depression. I tried my hardest to remain supportive during all of his struggles.... but I cannot lie to you and tell you that the constant need to worry about someone else's mental health/mood didn't begin to affect my own health. My ex did not like to be alone. I was made to feel guilty about having plans without him. He often told me that he felt "unloved" and "unsupported". I lived my life everyday for several years worried and concerned about how he was feeling and what I did/said to make it worse... because he always said I made it worse. What I've come to realize is that these situations often lead us to neglect our own needs and have no boundaries. My mental health began to suffer. Due to his anxiety and addiction, I had also become the partner in the relationship that had to handle financial matters, wedding planning, ETC. I felt like I lived my life in order to keep him calm. He often told me that I was the only positive thing in his life and that he needed me to feel ok and happy.

 

The point to my story is.... you may feel guilty right now... but if you didn't listen break it off with this girl.... the guilt might have eventually turned to bitterness, resentment and anger..... You can only put your own needs on hold for so long before you will start to chip away too.

 

I know you feel bad right now, but I really believe that you did the right thing. Maybe in the future if this girl is able to cope with her anxiety on her own, you can have a healthier relationship. But trust me... living your life feeling guilty and walking on eggshells takes a giant toll on your soul.

 

When I finally broke up with my ex, he had a new girlfriend two days later. He needs constant validation.

 

You are choosing you right now. And that is okay.

I deal with codependency in my family. Whether it's a mental illness or a personality quirk, I don't know. But I found this book to be extremely helpful in identifying and understanding the patterns:

 

Codependent No More

by Melody Beattie

To be frank, it doesn't seem to me that you are co-dependent at all. I do think that you need to look up emotional abuse, because what you describe is textbook. She isn't the fragile flower you imagine her to be, she abused and manipulated and brainwashed you to kingdom come. To the point where you are in fact questioning your own sanity, which is typical of victims of abuse like that. You take on the guilt and the belief that you are responsible for everything, no matter how absurd, because the abuser has broken you down and beaten you down so much mentally and emotionally that you are no longer clear what's black and what's white. Isolating you from friends, guilt tripping you, blaming you for everything while making themselves out to be a victim (in reality, they aren't, you are the real victim), pulling you in different directions, constantly blaming you for everything, etc, etc,etc.

 

That said, you do need to keep your appointment with the therapist because it will take time for you to undo the mental and emotional damage this woman caused and to stand back up on your feet and start feeling confident that you actually know right from wrong again.

Hi there,

 

I can relate to your story for so many reasons. I have been posting here for 6 years now regarding a toxic relationship that I was in. I loved this man so intensely and he was my best friend and there were many good aspects to our relationship. However, he, like your ex, suffered from severe anxiety/depression. I tried my hardest to remain supportive during all of his struggles.... but I cannot lie to you and tell you that the constant need to worry about someone else's mental health/mood didn't begin to affect my own health. My ex did not like to be alone. I was made to feel guilty about having plans without him. He often told me that he felt "unloved" and "unsupported". I lived my life everyday for several years worried and concerned about how he was feeling and what I did/said to make it worse... because he always said I made it worse. What I've come to realize is that these situations often lead us to neglect our own needs and have no boundaries. My mental health began to suffer. Due to his anxiety and addiction, I had also become the partner in the relationship that had to handle financial matters, wedding planning, ETC. I felt like I lived my life in order to keep him calm. He often told me that I was the only positive thing in his life and that he needed me to feel ok and happy.

 

The point to my story is.... you may feel guilty right now... but if you didn't listen break it off with this girl.... the guilt might have eventually turned to bitterness, resentment and anger..... You can only put your own needs on hold for so long before you will start to chip away too.

 

I know you feel bad right now, but I really believe that you did the right thing. Maybe in the future if this girl is able to cope with her anxiety on her own, you can have a healthier relationship. But trust me... living your life feeling guilty and walking on eggshells takes a giant toll on your soul.

 

When I finally broke up with my ex, he had a new girlfriend two days later. He needs constant validation.

 

You are choosing you right now. And that is okay.

 

Thank you for reading and writing. I really appreciate it. It's nice to hear from someone who has been is a similar situation. The problem I have with letting go is partly because she keeps texting me, unlike your ex who moved on easily. She texts me from time to time, asking why I don't reach out to her, why I don't miss her, telling me how I was her everything and how she meant nothing to me and that she still waits for my call telling her that I regret my decision. And this breaks my heart because I DO miss her, I DO love her and she meant EVERYTHING to me. I just couldn't carry her and my emotional well being anymore... and she'll probably never understand that... which makes it harder for me to stand by my decision. I just feel like I could've done more.

I deal with codependency in my family. Whether it's a mental illness or a personality quirk, I don't know. But I found this book to be extremely helpful in identifying and understanding the patterns:

 

Codependent No More

by Melody Beattie

 

Thank you for the tip. I'll try to check that out. I appreciate it very much.

To be frank, it doesn't seem to me that you are co-dependent at all. I do think that you need to look up emotional abuse, because what you describe is textbook. She isn't the fragile flower you imagine her to be, she abused and manipulated and brainwashed you to kingdom come. To the point where you are in fact questioning your own sanity, which is typical of victims of abuse like that. You take on the guilt and the belief that you are responsible for everything, no matter how absurd, because the abuser has broken you down and beaten you down so much mentally and emotionally that you are no longer clear what's black and what's white. Isolating you from friends, guilt tripping you, blaming you for everything while making themselves out to be a victim (in reality, they aren't, you are the real victim), pulling you in different directions, constantly blaming you for everything, etc, etc,etc.

 

That said, you do need to keep your appointment with the therapist because it will take time for you to undo the mental and emotional damage this woman caused and to stand back up on your feet and start feeling confident that you actually know right from wrong again.

 

I know it might sound that way, but I'm exaggerating slightly since I'm quite in an emotional place right now... She didn't always blame me, it all depended on how big of an anxiety attack it was. Was it a small one she could usually just sleep it off, but if it was a big one it was either my fault or my responsibility to make her feel better. And to be honest, the big ones came more seldom the longer our relationship went. Which both was nice since I saw it as something positive and a sign that we were improving, but it also made it so much harder to deal with the big attacks since it became harder for me to understand what I did wrong and how to make it better. It was all good a moment ago?

 

I also don't feel like she actively wanted to control me. She just knew exactly what she felt she needed and made me aware of that. And when I was unable to provide it she let her negative emotions get the better of her. I don't think her behavior was intentional or that she wanted to manipulate or control me. She was the most understanding and loving girlfriend when everything was fine. I just think her anxiety and depression made her unable to see my intentions and only my actions. So when she wanted the comfort of my voice and I sounded anything less than loving and caring she took it as a sign that i didn't love or care for her. And she let me know how that made her feel worse. And that made me feel worse...

I don't think you're codependent either however; You may have been in a codependent relationship. If you were codependent I think You would have stayed with her and let her emotional abuse you if you were. You were emotionally healthy enough to get yourself away from her.

 

/

 

I haven't felt good since then and whenever I do I hate myself for it. I feel like I abandoned someone who needs me. I feel like the worst person in the world. I feel like I don't deserve peace or happiness. So I've been googling a lot, trying to convince myself that I did the right thing. But the more I google the worse I feel. The more I read about anxiety and how it affects people and relationships, the more I feel like I gave up too soon.

Go to therapy to help you get to the stage where you can forgive yourself for hurting her. Otherwise, do your best mentally to stop blaming yourself for HER mental illness. You can't fix her, she wouldn't get the proper help she needs for her mental illness, she choked you with her need to the point that it now sounds like you have PTSD stemming from her treatment of you.

 

I seriously got the vibe that her mental illness is not limited to depression and anxiety but you'll never know and neither will she unless she gets the professional help that she needs. You did the self-loving and right thing by leaving her because by staying, she would have dragged you down to her level before you could ever helped her up.

 

Do read all you can on co-dependency so that you learn how to say "no" when it is in your own best interests without feeling guilty or giving up yourself to another. Never feel guilty for doing what is in your own best interests. Hopefully your actions of leaving her will kick-start her into getting the psycho-therapy she is in so need of. Staying with her would only be enabling her dysfunction.

Adding to above:

The problem I have with letting go is partly because she keeps texting me,

Do NOT allow her to keep you mired in your guilt. Block her so that she can't get through to you. She is not your responsibility and you can not help her. She needs a psychiatrist and a whole host of meds to go through to find out which ones are the best one's for her. There is absolutely nothing you as her boyfriend could have done for her, she needs professional help so stop letting her manipulate your emotions and stagnating your healing.

 

You have nothing, absolutely nothing to feel guilty or blamed for. Her expectations of you as her boyfriend are/were unnatural.

You can't fix her, she wouldn't get the proper help she needs for her mental illness, she choked you with her need to the point that it now sounds like you have PTSD stemming from her treatment of you.

 

I seriously got the vibe that her mental illness is not limited to depression and anxiety but you'll never know and neither will she unless she gets the professional help that she needs. You did the self-loving and right thing by leaving her because by staying, she would have dragged you down to her level before you could ever helped her up.

 

Do read all you can on co-dependency so that you learn how to say "no" when it is in your own best interests without feeling guilty or giving up yourself to another. Never feel guilty for doing what is in your own best interests. Hopefully your actions of leaving her will kick-start her into getting the psycho-therapy she is in so need of. Staying with her would only be enabling her dysfunction.

 

I know I can't fix her, but I could have supported her and maybe done more to make her understand how her mental illness affected me and especially her. Because it felt very often like she wasn't aware of how it affected us. As if she couldn't see it from anyone else perspective. And if that is the case, that she's not aware of how it affected me and that she was always right in her mind, then maybe I should've been clearer and harder on her. Instead of breaking up with her, maybe giving her an ultimatum of sorts, making her really understand how I felt. As it stands now I'm afraid that she'll never get the help she needs because people either leave her instead of making her understand how bad it is (like me) or just close their eyes to it (like her parents) or aren't aware of it since she is the most outwards going person in the world when she's with friends (her friends).

 

I'm just afraid that it's part of her illness to not being able to see how her illness affects others around her (as she might see everything black/white or with/against her) and also not having the strength to get help (her depression and anxiety made her very tired and unable to do mentally exhausting things from time to time, like getting help or looking for an apartment for example). I can't imagine her getting help without someones help, that's all. And that makes me feel even more like a coward. Because I was the only one close enough to her and wanting to help her...

I know I can't fix her, but I could have supported her and maybe done more to make her understand how her mental illness affected me and especially her.

That's where you wrong. You could never help her to see. She needs a professional to help her. You can't support her when she thinks you're the cause of her problems. You are not, but she's not mentally well and therefore blames you for her reaction(s) to her mental illness.

 

Because it felt very often like she wasn't aware of how it affected us.

As I said. She's mentally ill so of course she is unaware of anything that isn't about her reactions.

 

As if she couldn't see it from anyone else perspective. And if that is the case, that she's not aware of how it affected me and that she was always right in her mind, then maybe I should've been clearer and harder on her.

Sorry but you're flattering yourself if you think that you could help her out of her mental illness. Get the therapy you need to understand that you can't fix a mental illness through support or trying to make the emotionally damaged, undamaged through common sense and dialogue.

 

Instead of breaking up with her, maybe giving her an ultimatum of sorts, making her really understand how I felt. As it stands now I'm afraid that she'll never get the help she needs because people either leave her instead of making her understand how bad it is (like me) or just close their eyes to it (like her parents) or aren't aware of it since she is the most outwards going person in the world when she's with friends (her friends).

An ultimatum would work for as long as she was triggered again with her obsessive, needy, dysfunctional emotional immaturity and paranoia.

I'm just afraid that it's part of her illness to not being able to see how her illness affects others around her (as she might see everything black/white or with/against her) and also not having the strength to get help (her depression and anxiety made her very tired and unable to do mentally exhausting things from time to time, like getting help or looking for an apartment for example). I can't imagine her getting help without someones help, that's all. And that makes me feel even more like a coward. Because I was the only one close enough to her and wanting to help her...

Dude, you're not getting it that no matter what you said or did... she's still going to be mentally ill.

 

 

 

You did the right thing. You're too young to be saddled down with someone that needs the help she needs.

Sorry but you're flattering yourself if you think that you could help her out of her mental illness. Get the therapy you need to understand that you can't fix a mental illness through support or trying to make the emotionally damaged, undamaged through common sense and dialogue.

 

Dude, you're not getting it that no matter what you said or did... she's still going to be mentally ill.

 

You did the right thing. You're too young to be saddled down with someone that needs the help she needs.

 

I never believed that I could help her out of her mental illness, but I believed I could help her help herself. And I guess you're right, maybe I think too highly about myself, but I can't help it. I fell in love with her and would do all in my power to make her feel happy and to help her in her struggles, even if that meant making myself her punching bag and changing my ways for her and feeling emotionally awful for things i never thought I would feel awful about. Because I believed there was a chance that she would get help sooner or later and then I could support her through the process of getting better... So yes, I might be full of myself for believing that I could help someone get help, someone who doesn't understand that she needed help. Call it PTSD or codependency or idiocy or whatever, I can't help feeling awful about leaving her...

 

The thing is that I only feel worse when people tell me I did the right thing. Because that makes me question what the point ever was. All the good times and memories get lost in the fact that "I did the right thing" by leaving her. If leaving her was the right thing to do, then what was the point of the relationship in the first place? She was the most self confident person I've ever met when we started dating, so beautiful and interesting and positive and cute and intelligent and now, a year later, I leave her broken hearted, weak, sad, the opposite of who she was when I met her... And for what? For her not feeling mentally well? For me feeling sad because she felt sad? Call me melodramatic or to hard on myself, but I just wish someone could say that I am the horrible monster that I feel like. Somehow that's more comforting than hearing I did the right thing by hurting someone deeply... someone who was hurting enough already...

I can't help feeling awful about leaving her...

Which is why I suggested that you get yourself into personal therapy so you can come to terms with the fact that leaving her was the best thing you could have done for BOTH of you.

 

The thing is that I only feel worse when people tell me I did the right thing. Because that makes me question what the point ever was.

The point of dating is to discover if who you were initially attracted to and fell into infatuation with is going to be a good partner once the new relationship energy wears thin. You discovered that you can not be happy with her nor could you continue to be ABUSED emotionally with all the blaming and clinging and neediness. You would have eventually given up on your friendships because of her mental illness had you not the love of self to have a boundary in place with her.

 

All the good times and memories get lost in the fact that "I did the right thing" by leaving her.

You did and all the other stuff is irrelevant because she has torn you down to her level. That is clear now because you refuse to forgive yourself and you defend her and her isms.

 

If leaving her was the right thing to do, then what was the point of the relationship in the first place?

The point of the relationship was to see if you would be good for the long haul as a couple. You discovered your were not good for the long haul.

 

She was the most self confident person I've ever met when we started dating,

Yes well that was when you didn't know the REAL her. You found out what the real her was like as you actually got to know her.

 

so beautiful and interesting and positive and cute and intelligent and now, a year later, I leave her broken hearted, weak, sad, the opposite of who she was when I met her...

Please stop this sorry tale you keep telling yourself you did not leave her that way... she was that way all along, you just didn't know her long enough to see it.

 

Call me melodramatic or to hard on myself, but I just wish someone could say that I am the horrible monster that I feel like. Somehow that's more comforting than hearing I did the right thing by hurting someone deeply... someone who was hurting enough already...

Get the help YOU need because you're hell bent on feeling sorry for yourself. Sorry, but you're no monster. You're a smart young man that knows he cant live with someone like her. She will get over you, don't you worry and then if she doesn't get the help she needs, she will destroy another young man just like you. Call your doctor and make an appointment for a referral to a psychologist so that you can talk to someone professional because clearly, I'm (we're?) unable to get through to you.

Don't feel like you abandoned her because you did not. I understand you wanting to help her, but she needs professional help. This is similar to what kind of situation I was in, I felt bad leaving sooner because I wanted to help him, but I his constant jealousy and mistrust was having an effect on me. He tried to guilt me into looking at my phone and also spending more time on him. This was a case of its them, not me. Please don't feel responsible and if you stayed she would ruin your life.

How long was your relationship?

 

Regarding guilt, I'd question why I'd feel guilty for extricating myself from a situation that most people wouldn't have involved themselves with in the first place.

 

Health needs to start somewhere. She's responsible for hers, and you are responsible for yours.

I think my ex had these same thoughts and that's why he came back to me so many times. I truly think that if you go back to her, your relationship will end up exactly like mine. You'll be on and off, on and off, until one of you cannot take it anymore. Problems that deep can't be resolved while in a relationship. She needs to be alone to do that. The relationship will give her enough security for her to stop pursuing help but not enough real security to resolve anything.

Nobody feels good about abandoning someone they care about who they perceive to be in need of help or support, your reaction is totally normal to feel bad about this.

 

The misconception that she has is that she's helpless as an individual, and she has effectively pushed the responsibility for her own happiness amd wellbeng onto you and it's resulted in an emotionally abusive relationship. Not one sole individual can be held accountable or be a causative effect for this unless you're the person locking them in a dungeon, torturing them, and stripping of their choices. She has a choice, but her perspective at the moment is not to acknowledge that, and she may try to rationalise this by blaming you, attacking you, and guilt tripping you so that you meet her needs.

 

What loving people do is empower each other in their own lives, as individuals in their own right - this is the way that loving people enrich each other's lives. By helping them to become the best of who they are - this is not what she was doing to you, and what you were doing was sacrificing your own needs as a sole individual with your own dreams, desires and needs, was putting them to one side to please her.

 

This is co-dependent behaviour which means that yes you probably have some tendency in that direction, but it's nothing to worry about - just be aware and mindful of your need to please and pacify others.

 

Co-dependency is a double edged sword, that's often seen as martyrdom which to an extent it is - but it's also a mechanism of control. By sacrificing, pacifying and smoothing everything over you're effectively bartering your own 'self' for acceptance, love and intimacy. Obviously if you're with someone who uses this to their advantage it leads to an abusive situation.

 

From my experience the point of relationships like this is to make you aware, so that the next time you're with someone who you start to deny yourself to please, you're in hot water - but also recognise that it's not necessarily their fault, and that this is behaviour that you need to manage.

 

A strong sense of yourself, of your own identity, expressing that along with your needs are enough to set boundaries - boundaries don't need to be aggressive, all it is essentially is a sense of who you are, what you need and an expectation of respect. If that respect isn't provided freely, ie, it needs to be bartered or pleaded for, that's your cue to walk away.

 

I wouldn't describe co-dependency as a mental illness - it's a coping strategy that is learned behaviour more often that not through childhood.

 

If you're going to a therapist definitely try to find someone who truly understands co-dependency and I would also recommend looking up Ross Rosenberg on youtube.

 

Hang in there, it's a tough ride but worth it.

How long was your relationship?

 

Regarding guilt, I'd question why I'd feel guilty for extricating myself from a situation that most people wouldn't have involved themselves with in the first place.

 

Health needs to start somewhere. She's responsible for hers, and you are responsible for yours.

 

We were officially together for 8 months to the day (I broke up with her on our 8 month anniversary, which just adds gasoline to the guilt-fire), but we dated for 3 months prior to that, so I would say that we were together for almost a year. Which I know isn't a long time, but it still got very serious (as you can tell by my emotional state)...

 

And I just want to say thank you to everyone commenting and reading. You DO get through to me and I appreciate every one of you more than you could ever know, but I'm just at a place where I feel like you see this from a perspective that I can't. Looking at this from the outside must be so easy, and I know it is when I write it from a post-relationship perspective and when you neither actually know me or her (so you have no other choice), but I just wish you could feel my feelings for just one second, because I know it was bad (or at least not always perfect), but I still loved her, which might make no sense and I know it. How can you love someone you can't fully be relaxed and comfortable with? How can you love someone that sensitive, who will blame you for her insecurities?

 

Hypothetically: What if I had written my original post in the relationship-forum, while still in the relationship? If you re-read my original post and instead of reading "I broke up with her, did I do the right thing, am I codependent etc", try to imagine me saying "what can I do to save this relationship? How can I make her understand how this affects me? How can I be a good boyfriend to her without compromising my own or her needs?". Be totally honest, would you still say that the best thing for me to would be leaving? Or would you help me save the relationship?

 

(You are all saints and I can't thank you enough. And I want you to know that, sincerely. I'm just curious)

I would tell you to get yourself away from her before she shredded you like she has. Honestly, I would. If you were my son I would have jumped for joy the minute you told me you had left her.

I can definitely relate to what you're saying as I'm a recovering co-dependent, so the perspective I totally get, and many others will have been in a similar relationship - I've come to believe it's almost a rite of passage it's so common but it's a result of our societal and familial upbringing, so most people do come across it. Some explore it and understand it and move through it, others don't and spend the rest of their lives there - no judgement, each to their own.

 

Absolutely it's hard, it's like trying to see other people's perspective on your perspective, except that you're blinded by your perspective.

 

Do you feel the pull of guilt and anxiety in your stomach? The fear of not having been considerate enough, giving enough, resourceful enough, understanding enough, loving enough, to be able to heal this situation? Do you feel the sadness of her not seeing how much you cared and how much you loved her? This is the co-dependent trap that keeps you in this situation, trying, desperately, for her to see you and hear you so that you can love and accept each other.

 

It's a perfectly reasonable feeling, each of us want that and all of us fear somewhere inside, that when our partner blames us, belittles us and shames us for being selfish, unloving and callous, that it might be true, that underneath it all, that we are not enough, we are not good enough and we'll move hell and high water to try and prove to ourselves and the other, that it's not true.

 

But the more we're shamed, guilted, blamed, insulted and belittled, the less worthy and lovable we feel, so we over-love, over-give and we are blind to the cruel behaviour of our partner that has taken us there.

 

Take a moment and put yourself in her shoes, of what it would take for you to treat your partner the way that she has treated you? The chances are you'd have to be a completely different person with a completely different set of motivations, and it's way off of your emotional compass. It will give you some perspective about what is and isn't acceptable to you.

 

People tend to have these tendencies who have grown up in households where they were having to appease parents, tow the line and deny themselves whether that's voicing their opinions or feelings, squashing their dreams because it's not what they want for you, in order to get their acceptance and their love. This is a natural response to circumstance, but understand that if this is your tendency, it will have shown up at some point in your early life and is the imprint of a coping mechanism.

 

This isn't something to worry about straight away, right now you need to take care of yourself in whatever way that you can, whether that's breaking down and releasing those emotions, doing sport, distracting yourself with friends and hobbies, writing out your emotions without judgement, whatever it is that allows you to express - do it, give yourself permission, time and allowance to feel and think because you're entitled to do so.

 

If you were still in a relationship and you were communicating this, I would've told you to in any way that you can re-gain a sense of yourself and to get away from the emotional abuse so that you can find your perspective again without the influence of this kind of tyranny. It's only from there you can make a decision that you can make peace with.

I can definitely relate to what you're saying as I'm a recovering co-dependent, so the perspective I totally get, and many others will have been in a similar relationship - I've come to believe it's almost a rite of passage it's so common but it's a result of our societal and familial upbringing, so most people do come across it. Some explore it and understand it and move through it, others don't and spend the rest of their lives there - no judgement, each to their own.

 

Absolutely it's hard, it's like trying to see other people's perspective on your perspective, except that you're blinded by your perspective.

 

Do you feel the pull of guilt and anxiety in your stomach? The fear of not having been considerate enough, giving enough, resourceful enough, understanding enough, loving enough, to be able to heal this situation? Do you feel the sadness of her not seeing how much you cared and how much you loved her? This is the co-dependent trap that keeps you in this situation, trying, desperately, for her to see you and hear you so that you can love and accept each other.

 

It's a perfectly reasonable feeling, each of us want that and all of us fear somewhere inside, that when our partner blames us, belittles us and shames us for being selfish, unloving and callous, that it might be true, that underneath it all, that we are not enough, we are not good enough and we'll move hell and high water to try and prove to ourselves and the other, that it's not true.

 

But the more we're shamed, guilted, blamed, insulted and belittled, the less worthy and lovable we feel, so we over-love, over-give and we are blind to the cruel behaviour of our partner that has taken us there.

 

Take a moment and put yourself in her shoes, of what it would take for you to treat your partner the way that she has treated you? The chances are you'd have to be a completely different person with a completely different set of motivations, and it's way off of your emotional compass. It will give you some perspective about what is and isn't acceptable to you.

 

People tend to have these tendencies who have grown up in households where they were having to appease parents, tow the line and deny themselves whether that's voicing their opinions or feelings, squashing their dreams because it's not what they want for you, in order to get their acceptance and their love. This is a natural response to circumstance, but understand that if this is your tendency, it will have shown up at some point in your early life and is the imprint of a coping mechanism.

 

This isn't something to worry about straight away, right now you need to take care of yourself in whatever way that you can, whether that's breaking down and releasing those emotions, doing sport, distracting yourself with friends and hobbies, writing out your emotions without judgement, whatever it is that allows you to express - do it, give yourself permission, time and allowance to feel and think because you're entitled to do so.

 

If you were still in a relationship and you were communicating this, I would've told you to in any way that you can re-gain a sense of yourself and to get away from the emotional abuse so that you can find your perspective again without the influence of this kind of tyranny. It's only from there you can make a decision that you can make peace with.

Awesome insight. Worth repeating.

 

Op: Please know that we empathize with your pain and understand why you feel guilty (even when you shouldn't) I truly hope that therapy will start you on your healing from the pain of the breakup and help you to recover from the emotional abuse she put you through as well as help you with your personal boundaries so that you don't fall into another caretaking (the dysfunctional opposite of caregiving) relationship.

 

Be well.

Do you feel the pull of guilt and anxiety in your stomach? The fear of not having been considerate enough, giving enough, resourceful enough, understanding enough, loving enough, to be able to heal this situation? Do you feel the sadness of her not seeing how much you cared and how much you loved her? This is the co-dependent trap that keeps you in this situation, trying, desperately, for her to see you and hear you so that you can love and accept each other.

 

Take a moment and put yourself in her shoes, of what it would take for you to treat your partner the way that she has treated you? The chances are you'd have to be a completely different person with a completely different set of motivations, and it's way off of your emotional compass. It will give you some perspective about what is and isn't acceptable to you.

 

Damn, you describe EXACTLY how I feel and what I think. But I’ve also gotten to the point where I think that I could’ve been more honest with her and stand my ground. If it’s true what she says, that she loved me so much that she would do anything for me, then giving me more space and really get help for her anxiety maybe wouldn’t have been impossible for her if I’d just been more firm about it. I feel like I broke up with her because of my lack of communication, which is my problem, not hers...

 

And that other paragraf really hit though. I truly would never treat her like she treated me. I’ve never thought about it like that. Thank you for that perspective.

But I also believe that she wouldn’t want to treat me like that either. As I’ve said, she was the absolutely most perfect girlfriend when she was happy and comfortable. Her blaming me only came when she had anxiety over something. So she had like three sides to her:

 

The perfect one who loved me like no one else.

The middle level where she still loved me deeply but where kind of indifferent towards everything. Like an emptiness. She never asked for much when she was like this. This was probably her depression showing and I felt like I and her could handle that.

And then there’s the anxiety-her that made me feel like anything I did was ever enough, that didn’t like me for who I was but instead disliked me for who I wasn’t and made me feel worthless while demanding everything from me.

 

The first two were the ones who were present most of the time, but (more or less) once a month the third one would show and I realize that the whole relationship, for my part, became a challenge to keep the third one from showing up. Which sounds awful, I know, and I appologize to anyone with depression and/or anxiety here who might take offence in how I describe my ex. It’s not my intention to be disrespectful of what you are going through.

 

My point is just that I don’t think she actively wanted to treat me like that, just as I wouldn’t like to treat her like that, but she had no control over it. She couldn’t help it.

Maybe you weren't communicative enough, but putting yourself in her situation again, would you blame or would you ask questions? Always question those assumptions when your brain says that you 'weren't enough' - sometimes it's true, sometimes it's not.

 

Those of us who react like you do, we do tend to shut down and our focus is on the other person all the time, because we're trying to meet those demands, and it means that we don't communicate who we are, what we want, what we like and what we don't like - that's why our boundaries are violated a lot because we don't set them to begin with.

 

The reactions from her that you're describing are quite narcissitic which is a very common coupling - a codependent and a narcissist very often will end up together.

 

I'm going to break down in my experience how it works:

 

Stage 1 - The times when she's the perfect person - you feel comfortable, you open up, you don't feel restricted in any way and it's a great relationship. Things are good.

 

Stage 2 - Mild indifference - you start walking on eggshells a little bit, start over pleasing, start considering the ramifications of every action that you might take and how it might be taken, and you adjust accordingly. You may be more curious and conversant trying to connect with your partner because there's more 'shut out' and you're not sure what's going on.

 

Stage 3 - Narcissistic overdrive - the accusations, blaming, the 'not good enoughing' start, the guilt is on big time and you're majorly self examining wondering what you've done to get to this place, finding every tiny little thing adding up to make you into the person to blame.

 

People who behave in this way have a void that needs to be filled, and the way that they've learned to do that is to take down other people because it works a lot of the time (this is often not a conscious process and they often believe what they're saying). They may be charming, intelligent, witty, and it draws you in until the tables turn and you're suddenly on the bad end of a very big stick.

 

I know that you have a massive amount of doubt, because you want to understand this, and that is the cornerstone for people getting stuck in this situation endlessly.

 

That's why you need to get back to yourself, rediscover who you are, away from this because the guilt and the doubt will always tear you down. As I previously said, this is a marker of a very bad relationship - good partnerships self examine but support each other, they trust each other with their internal worlds, and they don't make the other person responsible for their lives, they're there to enrich them. This is clearly not happening here for a lot of the time, and when it is happening, it keeps you there putting up with the abuse because of the promise of good times that do happen but are then destroyed.

 

In terms of anxiety and depression don't be fooled - I and many others have the t-shirt for that and it is absolutely not symptomatic of these conditions that people treat others like this.

 

You must understand that just as yours is a coping mechanism, so are hers - she takes from others because she doesn't know that she can, and she doesn't know how to, support herself - this sometimes a malicious behaviour and other times a learned behaviour. People with this can recover but it doesn't happen very often because they grow up with less of an ability for self examination - everything that happens to them is something that someone else did to them, so asking someone with that mentality and belief system to self reflect is well, not likely to happen.

 

Co-dependents however have a much better chance because their first instinct is to self reflect, the biggest challenge we face is disowning the shame and guilt and looking for others to fill that void we have in ourselves.

 

However much you understand of the above there is always the human caveat - you may not be able to let her go because of that inconvenient thing called 'the heart'. This also happens to all of us, you may need to go through the mill some more to find your own answers and to gain insight, this is normal and human and at the end of the day, if your heart says to get back in there, you probably will. And that's ok, we all do that and it's the best thing we can do - if you need more so that you can travel the journey you need to travel then do it with no judgement.

 

All the best to you.

Maybe you weren't communicative enough, but putting yourself in her situation again, would you blame or would you ask questions? Always question those assumptions when your brain says that you 'weren't enough' - sometimes it's true, sometimes it's not.

 

Those of us who react like you do, we do tend to shut down and our focus is on the other person all the time, because we're trying to meet those demands, and it means that we don't communicate who we are, what we want, what we like and what we don't like - that's why our boundaries are violated a lot because we don't set them to begin with.

 

The reactions from her that you're describing are quite narcissitic which is a very common coupling - a codependent and a narcissist very often will end up together.

 

I'm going to break down in my experience how it works:

 

Stage 1 - The times when she's the perfect person - you feel comfortable, you open up, you don't feel restricted in any way and it's a great relationship. Things are good.

 

Stage 2 - Mild indifference - you start walking on eggshells a little bit, start over pleasing, start considering the ramifications of every action that you might take and how it might be taken, and you adjust accordingly. You may be more curious and conversant trying to connect with your partner because there's more 'shut out' and you're not sure what's going on.

 

Stage 3 - Narcissistic overdrive - the accusations, blaming, the 'not good enoughing' start, the guilt is on big time and you're majorly self examining wondering what you've done to get to this place, finding every tiny little thing adding up to make you into the person to blame.

 

People who behave in this way have a void that needs to be filled, and the way that they've learned to do that is to take down other people because it works a lot of the time (this is often not a conscious process and they often believe what they're saying). They may be charming, intelligent, witty, and it draws you in until the tables turn and you're suddenly on the bad end of a very big stick.

 

I know that you have a massive amount of doubt, because you want to understand this, and that is the cornerstone for people getting stuck in this situation endlessly.

 

That's why you need to get back to yourself, rediscover who you are, away from this because the guilt and the doubt will always tear you down. As I previously said, this is a marker of a very bad relationship - good partnerships self examine but support each other, they trust each other with their internal worlds, and they don't make the other person responsible for their lives, they're there to enrich them. This is clearly not happening here for a lot of the time, and when it is happening, it keeps you there putting up with the abuse because of the promise of good times that do happen but are then destroyed.

 

In terms of anxiety and depression don't be fooled - I and many others have the t-shirt for that and it is absolutely not symptomatic of these conditions that people treat others like this.

 

You must understand that just as yours is a coping mechanism, so are hers - she takes from others because she doesn't know that she can, and she doesn't know how to, support herself - this sometimes a malicious behaviour and other times a learned behaviour. People with this can recover but it doesn't happen very often because they grow up with less of an ability for self examination - everything that happens to them is something that someone else did to them, so asking someone with that mentality and belief system to self reflect is well, not likely to happen.

 

Co-dependents however have a much better chance because their first instinct is to self reflect, the biggest challenge we face is disowning the shame and guilt and looking for others to fill that void we have in ourselves.

 

However much you understand of the above there is always the human caveat - you may not be able to let her go because of that inconvenient thing called 'the heart'. This also happens to all of us, you may need to go through the mill some more to find your own answers and to gain insight, this is normal and human and at the end of the day, if your heart says to get back in there, you probably will. And that's ok, we all do that and it's the best thing we can do - if you need more so that you can travel the journey you need to travel then do it with no judgement.

 

All the best to you.

 

Thank you so much for sharing your insight. You describe how I felt and feel and how she behaved eerily well. I couldn’t have described it better myself, although reading more about narcisism makes me quite sure that she isn’t a full-blown narcisist, but she sure has some of those tendencies.

 

I don’t quite understand the last paragraph, though. I don’t know if the ”get back in there” is about the relationship or the ”guilt-mill”. Either way I feel like I couldn’t get back with her (nor keep living with this tremendous feeling of guilt).I have a hard time looking her in the eyes since the break up as it is and after hurting her this bad I couldn’t bare myself to get back together with her unless I knew it would last forever and that both her and me were determined to change our ways. I don’t have the power to break her heart again incase it wouldn’t work out on a second try. My weak heart can only do so much damage to one individual...

 

So no matter how guilty I feel, I’d rather feel guilty alone than in a relationship with the one I feel guilty towards. Guilt truly is a demon...

Narcissism is a coping strategy when someone feels lack in themselves, so they take from others - as with anything it's a matter of degrees so people can be varying in how much of this kind of behaviour manifests itself, same with co-dependency, sociopathy, you name it.

 

I've met people of varying degrees for sure, and like I said some of it is learned behaviour and not malicious (although there those too, but your ex just sounds very convinced of her perception of reality) as in they truly believe what they're saying in that things are being done to them, people are uncaring because there's not enough support, loyalty, sacrifice etc - in this way they can make themselves quite helpless as they put themselves in the category of victim and that they have no choice because of what is being done to them. It's not true of course, they just haven't learned to meet their own needs and have learned to demand instead, but it's difficult to get people with this attitude beyond their own view of themselves and the world once the template is set as they can come up with multiple examples of 'not enough' from other people, because nothing ever truly will be.

 

Ah - all I meant by the last paragraph was that a lot of people come to forums and try to 'steel themselves' for what they 'should' be doing - logically it all makes sense, they know they should listen to the logic going on in their head, so then they go and they can't resist their heart because they still have love for someone. It's a totally human thing and completely normal if those feelings are over-riding logical sense, we're emotional creatures, but then people feel that they can't come back because they're worried about the 'I told you so's' - not good for the self esteem! So, I guess I was just trying to say, however much you understand the logic to follow your heart.

 

Sometimes when we follow our head but our heart's unresolved it can cause even more torment than if you'd gone back to the relationship and allowed your heart to get to a point of resolve and conclusion if and when you choose to leave, I don't particularly get the impression that you feel this way but you do sound tormented by the situation in general, so I just wanted to offer a level of understanding I guess.

 

I hear that you blame yourself with the not enough's, and the should have, would have, or could have's but the reality is that everything plays out as it should - you shouldn't have to strip yourself bare to be treated with trust and respect, and lay yourself down on the coals for someone else's gratification. You are perfectly worthy as you are, in a partnership understanding should be sought first and foremost with no conditions or expectations of unanimity otherwise you deprive each other of your uniqueness and freedom - if you or your partner are unable to give that and proclaim the other person as below par when they are at their most vulnerable and opening their internal world to you then it should end so that someone else can see the gold in them and vice versa.

 

I hope that's helped and that you feel better soon.