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Thread: Jealousy over my boyfriend female friend

  1. #1

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    Jealousy over my boyfriend female friend

    I need advice, I'm damaging my relationship with my boyfriend, with whom I have been for 7 years(we are both 21 years old). Its been maybe 2 months since we haven't figure out our problems.
    He has a female lesbian friend, me and my boyfriend know her since Junior High but he is the one that has kept a friendship with her. This year their friendship started to develop a lot more, they have the same classes and so my boyfriend gives her rides almost every day to her house and now even to work, even if its far away. He also helps her in whatever she needs, he has been to her house to fix her computer, and whatever she needs I know my boyfriend would do it for her. Lately my boyfriend, her and another guy friend go out at night to eat or to the movies. He almost never goes out just the two of them because he knows I wouldn't like it, but he wishes he could do it without me getting mad about it.
    I can't stop feeling this way, I'm afraid that if he gets too involved with her, he would eventually develop feelings for her, or at least reach an emotional conection with her that I only want him to have with me. I dont want him being best friends with any other girl but me. I wouln't like it if her friend got to know about what is going on on my boyfriends life before me. It makes me angry to think about him doing all the things that he does for me but also for another girl.
    I don't want them to stop being friends, but I just don't want them to become best friends He says to me that he doesn't want to have boundaries with her because she is a lesbian and so he is not worry about anything happening. He says he is not the same way with other girls but that she is different since again, she is a lesbian and she has known her for quite a while.

    What do you guys think about your partner having a female best friend?
    I think even if she is lesbian, my boyfriend still likes girls and he could eventually be atracted to her, because it is just nature.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    The only control you have is to be the best gf you can be and keep an emotional connection with your boyfriend. You need to trust him unless he ever gives you real reasons not to. It's up to him to keep relationship boundaries. If he doesn't, then you break up with him because you deserve better.

    Your bf will always be surrounded by attractive women at work, at the grocery store, etc. So what? Either he's chosen to be faithful or not. Since you're lacking trust, is it because of things he's done in the past? You two have been together since age 14. Is he feeling like he needs to experience more relationships before he settles down, or not? Do you have the same relationship goals and do you have future life goals that mesh?

    I do know what you mean by the discomfort of a significant other having a best friend of the opposite sex. Even if they are like brother and sister, it's just a different dynamic that I, for one, wouldn't like at all. There are more free-spirited people who wouldn't care, but you can't change how you feel. It's common when you're young, and you two are. Those relationships often go to the wayside when people get older and settle down with families.

    Do you feel like she's more of a priority than you? There does need to be a healthy balance of time a person spends with friends and family, on a career/education, and on a significant other. Do you feel shorted? You don't say how the rest of your relationship is: healthy or lacking. More info could help, here. Remember though that you are the treasure. If you're not treated as the special person you are, communicate your needs. If a person cares and the request is reasonable, he will want to please you.

    Just know that what worked for you in your youth may not be the relationship you want going into your mid to late twenties. People do a lot of growing and evolving from the late teens to the late twenties. Just because you've been together 7 years doesn't mean you should be with him forever. Make sure you both stick around because you want to, not because it's expected.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member rosephase's Avatar
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    I love it when my partner has close female friends. I take it as a good sign that they can love and respect women who aren't in the role of partner or parent. That's super important to me.

    It sounds like you are dealing with insecurity. Insecurity is your issue to fix (unless he's actively trying to make you feel insecure which it doesn't sound like he is) and asking him to limit his life for your issues is unfair. Could he be attracted to her? Sure. There are a lot of pretty, attractive, funny, fun women in the world... if the only way he stays with you is by never making a connection with other women... how much of a relationship is that? Do you want to be his partner? Or his only choice?

    Friends are important. Friends are vital to a healthy fun engaged life. Restricting who your partner can connect with out of your own insecurities is controlling and unsupportive, it's asking him to tip toe around your issues instead of stepping up and working on them yourself. Which is the opposite of what I want my relationships to be.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Personally I'm fine with my partner having opposite sex friends. But with boundaries, of course! The friends sexual orientation shouldn't be used as a loophole.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by heysam
    I need advice, I'm damaging my relationship with my boyfriend, with whom I have been for 7 years(we are both 21 years old). Its been maybe 2 months since we haven't figure out our problems.
    He has a female lesbian friend, me and my boyfriend know her since Junior High but he is the one that has kept a friendship with her. This year their friendship started to develop a lot more, they have the same classes and so my boyfriend gives her rides almost every day to her house and now even to work, even if its far away. He also helps her in whatever she needs, he has been to her house to fix her computer, and whatever she needs I know my boyfriend would do it for her. Lately my boyfriend, her and another guy friend go out at night to eat or to the movies. He almost never goes out just the two of them because he knows I wouldn't like it, but he wishes he could do it without me getting mad about it.
    I can't stop feeling this way, I'm afraid that if he gets too involved with her, he would eventually develop feelings for her, or at least reach an emotional conection with her that I only want him to have with me. I dont want him being best friends with any other girl but me. I wouln't like it if her friend got to know about what is going on on my boyfriends life before me. It makes me angry to think about him doing all the things that he does for me but also for another girl.
    I don't want them to stop being friends, but I just don't want them to become best friends He says to me that he doesn't want to have boundaries with her because she is a lesbian and so he is not worry about anything happening. He says he is not the same way with other girls but that she is different since again, she is a lesbian and she has known her for quite a while.

    What do you guys think about your partner having a female best friend?
    I think even if she is lesbian, my boyfriend still likes girls and he could eventually be atracted to her, because it is just nature.
    Does he always exclude you when a group is going to the movies? Or is it always him and her with an extra guy along to make you happy?
    Why aren't the two of you as a couple going out to the movies with her and her "date" - whether its a female or a guy friend or just a friend.

    If you are NEVER included then that's a red flag to me.

    If he is giving her rides to work every day and he doesn't work with her or doesn't work in the next building from her, and he is constantly doing everything for her, I can understand your feelings.

    He says to me that he doesn't want to have boundaries with her because she is a lesbian and so he is not worry about anything happening.

    YES - EVERY friendship and relationship needs some boundaries to be healthy.

    There was a discussion awhile back that got pretty heated about a couple - the guy in the couple asked for advice because the girlfriend was having her gay male friend sleep in her bed with her. Some people thought -- "oh its no big deal - he doesn't get anything out of it because he's gay." and some people thought "it doesn't matter if HE is not getting his jollies out of it -- SHE is sleeping next to a warm, male body and she has a boyfriend -- its inapprorpriate. Its not like everyone is camping and sleeping in the same tent -- he is sleeping in the spot the boyfriend normally would be.

    So just because she is lesbian and isn't getting any sexual thrill out of it or doesn't want a relationship doesn't mean its appropriate if he is using her as his surrogate girlfriend. He is not being a just a friend if he is constantly involved with her every single day

  7. #6
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    If my boyfriend put that much effort into another woman, especially after my saying enough is enough, he would no longer be my boyfriend. Simple as that.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Doc Blaze's Avatar
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    Depends, i understand your boyfriend because i have 2 close female friends and i would spend a lot of time with them,

    def not more than my gf at the time , but i would also ease off when i got into a relationship.

    I would also figure out boundaries very early in the relationship.



    like someone said are you ever invited ?

    do all you guys hang out together?


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