Overcoming insecurity/abandonment fears

Has anyone here overcome deep-rooted insecurity/fear of abandonment/anxious attachment style/jealousy/clinginess?

Any specific types of therapy that have been most helpful? Some ideas I have are trying DBT again, focusing on SMART goals/advancing my career, continuing talk therapy...but I don't know. I want to be as active as possible in changing myself into someone who can have a healthy romantic relationship. I don't want to keep sabotaging my relationships and I want to be able to get close to someone without becoming afraid.

I'm 23, so I don't feel like I have much time before the whole dating thing starts to get a lot harder, less options etc. I feel that there's a bit of a time constraint on preparing myself to be a good partner. Oh, and I'm also aware that focusing so much on the partner thing is part of the problem. I know that I need to become more comfortable being alone. Any advice on that is welcome, too.

Is it truly possible to change attachment styles? To become less neurotic? To learn to trust more?

Have you had any therapy at all? I would say any counseller would be able to help you with this; you just have to find one you feel comfortable with and feels right to you.

I am starting therapy soon again next week - I have been in and out of it.

I have had the same issues as you. I read your story. It resonates with me and my issues and past relationship dynamics.

My only hope is that with the right person: even if you haven't resolved your issues yet, your partner would love you enough to stay anyway, and fight for the relationship as hard as you are.

Has anyone here overcome deep-rooted insecurity/fear of abandonment/anxious attachment style/jealousy/clinginess?

Yes; I have.

It might sound unconventional, but...yoga helped me tremendously.

In yoga, there are certain foundational poses that you always move from. For example, when going into different standing poses, you always begin, initially, in "mountain" pose. That is your foundational pose. It creates your stability to move forward into other poses. By learning how to create stability in the physical body, with practice, it will eventually translate into learning how to create stability in the non-physical body; i.e., emotionally, mentally.

Learning how to find balance in a pose, such as "tree", you have to find a way to learn how to support your body from falling over. In the beginning, you may not be able to balance very well, if at all. You may shake, or wobble. As you practice bringing balance to the physical body, it will help you learn how to begin bringing balance into other areas of your life. You learn the ways in which your body (i.e., YOU) can support itself, which again, when translated to the non-physical body, becomes a tool for dealing with abandonment issues.

Learning how to breathe properly, and learning different breathing techniques, is a good way to help alleviate anxiety. You learn to inhale deeply, and you learn to exhale and release tension. Your breath helps keep you in your present moment.

Is it truly possible to change attachment styles? To become less neurotic? To learn to trust more?

Yoga, in conjunction with consistent therapy, journaling, and other means of self-reflection, helped me to eventually overcome many of the issues you stated above.

It might be worth your while to give it a shot. It's a very healing art, and many people come to yoga from a place of recovery. Good luck on your own journey.

I'm 23, so I don't feel like I have much time before the whole dating thing starts to get a lot harder, less options etc. I feel that there's a bit of a time constraint on preparing myself to be a good partner.

Why?

This stands out as the biggest belief I'd consider tackling. It puts you in a self-imposed pressure cooker that undermines your ability to reLAx into your Self, and for what reason?

Have you had any therapy at all? I would say any counseller would be able to help you with this; you just have to find one you feel comfortable with and feels right to you.

 

I am starting therapy soon again next week - I have been in and out of it.

 

I have had the same issues as you. I read your story. It resonates with me and my issues and past relationship dynamics.

 

My only hope is that with the right person: even if you haven't resolved your issues yet, your partner would love you enough to stay anyway, and fight for the relationship as hard as you are.

Pretzel, thank you for reading my story and responding to my thread. It means a lot when people take the time to do that! I'm sorry to hear that you struggle with the same issues, as I know how difficult they are. I'm glad that you're seeking therapy. I am currently and have in the past.

Right now I am doing basic talk therapy, but I've tried CBT and DBT in the past. I am thinking about picking up DBT again, but I'm in a new city so I'd have to find a new clinic. Have you ever tried it? It's much more intensive than CBT and involves concrete skills training and practice. I like it because there's a workbook and actual steps, rather than just talking, so it feels like you're making progress and getting things done. It's meant for people who are suicidal/have borderline personality disorder but has been proven effective for people with general anxiety and depression issues like myself.

Yes; I have.

 

It might sound unconventional, but...yoga helped me tremendously.

 

In yoga, there are certain foundational poses that you always move from. For example, when going into different standing poses, you always begin, initially, in "mountain" pose. That is your foundational pose. It creates your stability to move forward into other poses. By learning how to create stability in the physical body, with practice, it will eventually translate into learning how to create stability in the non-physical body; i.e., emotionally, mentally.

 

Learning how to find balance in a pose, such as "tree", you have to find a way to learn how to support your body from falling over. In the beginning, you may not be able to balance very well, if at all. You may shake, or wobble. As you practice bringing balance to the physical body, it will help you learn how to begin bringing balance into other areas of your life. You learn the ways in which your body (i.e., YOU) can support itself, which again, when translated to the non-physical body, becomes a tool for dealing with abandonment issues.

 

Learning how to breathe properly, and learning different breathing techniques, is a good way to help alleviate anxiety. You learn to inhale deeply, and you learn to exhale and release tension. Your breath helps keep you in your present moment.

 

 

 

 

Yoga, in conjunction with consistent therapy, journaling, and other means of self-reflection, helped me to eventually overcome many of the issues you stated above.

 

It might be worth your while to give it a shot. It's a very healing art, and many people come to yoga from a place of recovery. Good luck on your own journey.

 

Thank you, Cyhiraeth That's some unique advice. I have done yoga in the past but it's difficult because I have back problems that for some reason are exacerbated rather than helped by yoga. It is something I could try again, although I'm scared to be in a quiet room for that long with my thoughts!!!

 

I should try meditation again as well. I have some guided meditation apps on my phone that I could use.

 

Thanks for the input and well wishes, Cyhriaeth.

Why?

 

This stands out as the biggest belief I'd consider tackling. It puts you in a self-imposed pressure cooker that undermines your ability to reLAx into your Self, and for what reason?

Good question. I have this mindset that there is an extremely finite number of men in this world who are good long term relationship material and that soon they'll all be snatched up by other women.

This scarcity mentality is also part of what is making my current breakup SO hard and has led me into a depression. I go for really sweet, emotionally intelligent, respectful men and once I have one I get terrified of losing them. Now that my ex has broken up with me I feel like I'll never find such a good man ever again because they hardly exist in my mind.

I wonder what the best ways to challenge these thoughts are. I'm really glad that you brought this up because I hadn't thought about it that much.

How do you dismantle a belief that isn't really provable or disprovable either way?

Edit: I feel like being agnostic and not really knowing if I believe in a higher power has an effect on this. It's hard for me to "have faith" that things will fall into place or that the "right person" will come along, because I'm just not sure if that's how the world works. I envy people who can have so much faith that something is guiding them and that there is an inherent goodness to the world.

Good question. I have this mindset that there is an extremely finite number of men in this world who are good long term relationship material and that soon they'll all be snatched up by other women.

 

This scarcity mentality is also part of what is making my current breakup SO hard and has led me into a depression. I go for really sweet, emotionally intelligent, respectful men and once I have one I get terrified of losing them. Now that my ex has broken up with me I feel like I'll never find such a good man ever again because they hardly exist in my mind.

 

I wonder what the best ways to challenge these thoughts are. I'm really glad that you brought this up because I hadn't thought about it that much.

 

How do you dismantle a belief that isn't really provable or disprovable either way?

 

Edit: I feel like being agnostic and not really knowing if I believe in a higher power has an effect on this. It's hard for me to "have faith" that things will fall into place or that the "right person" will come along, because I'm just not sure if that's how the world works. I envy people who can have so much faith that something is guiding them and that there is an inherent goodness to the world.

Even the best young men in the world need to grow up, just like the rest of us. Which raises the question: what makes you think that they'd be ready for you, especially when you're not even on solid ground yourself?

Solid ground means dismantling the unconscious junk leftover from peer conditioning and adolescent neurosis. For some reason it's widely believed that we outgrow adolescence by age 18, when it actually lasts through mid 20's.

So what's your rush? Do you really want to pressure yourself to take up with any guy who, despite not even being the best possible match for you, may not even be ready to be anyone's match this early in life?

Discretion comes with maturity, so start questioning your beliefs and decide which ones you no longer want to be enslaved by.

Oo.. very interesting discussion.

I'd also like to add in that a lot of what a lot of therapies don't do, in my opinion, is to allow you to feel. There's a lot of shame associated with feeling in our society, and a perception that feeling a certain way that isn't approved of, is wrong. Which I've found isn't true, I know myself and I know with my experience from others that a lot of our problems come from our absolute determination to 'correct' ourselves so that we are acceptable/lovable in the eyes of others by changing how we feel and how we perceive.

Think of it, we're in a society that pays precedence to absolute independence, where we don't need anything from anybody else and we should be entirely self sufficient - except that this unfortunately, is not how we're built. We're a social species, a communal species - and there's a big difference between knowing who you and accepting that you are entirely worthy on that basis alone, and depending on others for showing you who you are, or giving you acceptance for who you are. We need people, full stop - if you can own the fact that you need people, because you are human, just like the rest of us, it should provide relief.

The truth is to my mind, that our feelings are entirely appropriate, in every situation - so step one, stop shaming yourself for them. Make friends with them, explore them, spend time with them just allowing yourself to 'feel' without question and without rationale.

Then get to know yourself, explore the rainbow of all of your emotions, without judgement - just sit and feel. All of your quirks, all of your so called 'issues' and all of your desires and needs are all that they are.

You take the shame away, and you can be open about it - so if you have a new partner and you get clingy, he/she can get to know you and how to reassure you, they will know it's an issue, and that's ok because they will have issues and quirks themselves, and they'll feel comfortable to share them with you. If you can't be that open with someone, you're either not ready or somewhere inside you know that's the wrong person to share your inner self with.

Find approval for who you are, be open to discovering what happened to you in your life to make you afraid of abandonment, then realise that your emotional reaction growing up in life or at a later stage in life that hurt you, was entirely appropriate in that moment or in other moments that followed. You're not crazy, you're just human.