I love him but don't know if I see a future - advice needed

I've been with my partner for over 2 years (we're both 27), we live together. We laugh alot and we're both very comfortable around eachother. The only thing is, I don't know if I see a future with him. I know I love him and care about him and his happiness very much, and he's a great person - I just don't get excited about the thought of marrying him one day or having a child/children with him and those are two things I definitely want in life. We've been through our fair share of problems that's for sure (lying, angry drunk occasions, selfishness etc) - so I don't know if maybe all of those things have caught up to me and now it's making me realise I don't know what I want...of if I'm just confused.

Has anyone else been through this and what helped you gain clarity/make the right decision?

Thanks!!

How long have you been feeling this way?

I've been with one of my partners for 12 years. I would say I've hit about four times when I really doubted our future. Where I couldn't see it, or if I did I didn't want it. We worked through it. Talked a lot. Went therapy worked on ourselves and supported each other. That feeling isn't necessarily the end but it does signal something is going on that isn't sitting well with you.

I've been unsure for most of the 2nd year of being with him, but very much so in the last 2 months

He's not very open to the idea of getting help together or alone to try to improve the relationship. I'm seeing a counsellor but I would have to guilt him into seeing one, and I don't want to do that.

Are you happy after 12 years?

I've been unsure for most of the 2nd year of being with him, but very much so in the last 2 months

He's not very open to the idea of getting help together or alone to try to improve the relationship. I'm seeing a counsellor but I would have to guilt him into seeing one, and I don't want to do that.

Are you happy after 12 years?

I've been unsure for most of the 2nd year of being with him, but very much so in the last 2 months

He's not very open to the idea of getting help together or alone to try to improve the relationship. I'm seeing a counsellor but I would have to guilt him into seeing one, and I don't want to do that.

Are you happy after 12 years?

I am. But that doesn't mean you will be. Also my partner was VERY willing to work on the relationship.

If you've been unsure for most of the 2nd year it honestly might be NRE (new relationship energy) or limerence wearing off. The infatuation part is over and you are finding that the connection isn't strong enough without it. That's okay. It's even normal. That doesn't mean it doens't hurt. But you shouldn't stay with someone if you lack connection once all the love drugs wear off.

Thank you for your advice. I'm glad your partner was really willing to work on things. I know mine loves me very much, but I haven't felt like a priority for a good part of the 2 years, and I really feel like the idea of getting married and starting a family should be an exciting one, but I couldn't want it less than I do right now. I just don't see it happening. I don't know if there's something wrong with me, or if he and I just aren't eachothers forever person....

What are the

lying, angry drunk occasions, selfishness

issues? That's a lot of issues to accumulate in a year.

I know We've been through quite a lot (well I have). He's done alot of changing and growing, unfortunately we had to go through some sh*t to get there. He's still not a very nice drunk person, but we rarely go out for drinks anymore. Hes a good person. I just don't feel that deep connection with him like I have with others in the past...

OK, so do you still want to be his girlfriend for the time, just not his wife or the mother of his children? You're still young, but you aren't a kid anymore. Time marches on, and if children and marriage are something you definitely want then you should ask yourself how long you are willing to spin your wheels in this ultimately dead end relationship. Who knows how long it will take to find someone who DOES qualify in your mind...

So, I'd ask myself that question. I'd also ask how you feel when you think about ending the relationship. Is it pretty easy to imagine life without him?

Like I said, don't spin your wheels--or his--for long if he really isn't what you are looking for. I will add this one caution though: make sure you aren't just being overly picky. You say you love him. I've seen women in their mid-thirties still single because they never found that mythical unicorn of a man they were looking for who now will scream "Yes" over the ringing of their biological alarm clocks to men who they are less into than the guys they dumped in their twenties.

I don't want a mythical unicorn. I'm just wanting to feel more certain about my relationship than what I am lately. I know that nobody is perfect, I'm just at a stage where I'm evaluating my situation because I have spent 2 years putting my whole heart into a relationship, and I don't know that I can say the same about him. Expecting the same love and respect back is not being picky in my honest opinion.

Sorry I just saw that this was a question - he lied about instagram (skanky girls on there) and blocked me when he told me he'd deleted it. This was 18 months ago though. He is always looking for a fight and is impossible when he's really drunk, has pushed me once. Used to even admitt to me he is selfish, not so much lately though.

I don't want a mythical unicorn. I'm just wanting to feel more certain about my relationship than what I am lately. I know that nobody is perfect, I'm just at a stage where I'm evaluating my situation because I have spent 2 years putting my whole heart into a relationship, and I don't know that I can say the same about him. Expecting the same love and respect back is not being picky in my honest opinion.

For the record, I wasn't accusing you of being too picky, I was just saying that you should ask yourself if that's what is happening.

So do you think the problem you are having is that you feel like you have been contributing more to the relationship?

Also, how does the thought of breaking up sit with you?

No I know, I was just clarifying. I don't think anything I've ever asked of him is unreasonable or 'out there'.

Yes for sure. Any romance we've had in the last 2 years is because of me initiating it..

Breaking up with him would break me I know it, but I also have thoughts about what life would be like on my own again. It would be devastating, that is why I'm so confused and down at the moment. I do love him, I just don't know that I'd feel fulfilled staying.

No I know, I was just clarifying. I don't think anything I've ever asked of him is unreasonable or 'out there'.

 

Yes for sure. Any romance we've had in the last 2 years is because of me initiating it..

 

Breaking up with him would break me I know it, but I also have thoughts about what life would be like on my own again. It would be devastating, that is why I'm so confused and down at the moment. I do love him, I just don't know that I'd feel fulfilled staying.

Well, then I think your next best move would be to talk to him. Try not to be accusatory i.e. "I put in way more effort than you." I would just say "Listen, I'm not saying I want to break up or anything. I love you. But lately I have been questioning whether we really have a future here. Here's what I think the problem is..."

You say that he isn't generally willing to work on the relationship. But subtley putting him on notice that you are starting to think about defecting may wake him up a little. If he doesn't care, then, again, you should ask yourself how long you are willing to keep spinning your wheels.

Thanks for your advice. I've been very open with him about this for about the last month or so...he knows I'm feeling unsure, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't a bit disappointed in how he hasn't really put in any effort to make things better or different. A big problem for me has always been feeling like I'm just there as a convenience, there's very little romance or meaningful moments (I'm not asking to go horse riding off into the sunset together), but just some of the little things that show you appreciate and love someone. We've had good talks about how we can make things work for both of us...literally about 10 times in the past 18 months, and how I don't need him to be prince charming, but a little romance and effort from him would go a long way - after each talk its really good for a week, then nothing.

I have been with my husband for 8 year now, and I have always felt he was the one for me, and can picture him as my life partner forever.

He is also not a nasty drunk; and it's not your job or responsibility to fix his nasty habit. I wouldn't want to raise a kid with a mean drunk. I've dated plenty of people I thought would be someone I'd marry, but of course, I had to walk on egg shells around those people. The right partner will give you wings; mentally and physically. I know it's weird because of the amount of time you've been together, but this is you life; do not sell yourself short. If you are not happy, it's not because you are crazy, or have the GIGS...it's because this is not the right relationship for you. Always listen to your gut.

He's not very open to the idea of getting help together or alone to try to improve the relationship.

This would be my deciding factor. If I already have doubts, a partner who's not 'all in' to work through those wouldn't be worth trading my vision of a future with a partner who's as committed to building strengths in our relationship as I am.

Most people are not our match. That doesn't make them villains, it just means that settling for less than the right simpatico is not a road to happiness, IMO.

I'd tell partner that I adore him and always will, but I need to walk away while we both still think highly of one another. If he ever changes his mind about seeking expert help to move our relationship on track, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish him the best.

Head high.

I don't agree with going with your gut unless you can differentiate gut from things like fear/insecurity, etc. I am also not a huge fan of pros/cons lists but in your case I think it could give you some clarity.

I tortured myself with all the doubts I felt about men who ultimately weren't right for me - because they were great human beings, and I felt genuine love in most cases.

For me the following standard made sense to me/resonated with me - you should feel excited and reasonably sure about the person you plan to marry. There are normal doubts/jitters and for me those are the kind that are fleeting or easily resolved and do not consume you or shake you to the core and make you think for more than a split second "this is wrong!" And you know, you kind of know when doubts are in the first category -because you still feel secure in general, you know that they will pass, you know what to do or not to do to help that process along. And also you don't need your partner to reassure you that you two are right together - sure, if he offers that that's fine but on your own you know, even when you're irritated/disappointed/anxious, that you two are right together, and that even if you're not feeling it at that very moment, you can revive that feeling by reminding yourself of how you felt in the past or even yesterday.

The right partner will give you wings; mentally and physically. I know it's weird because of the amount of time you've been together, but this is you life; do not sell yourself short.

I don't feel like I have that feeling. It's fine and comfortable. But I am more motivated by the idea of being on my own, that thought makes me feel confident and upbeat. Scary but true. I am comfortable and know it would be a very comfortable life with him, and we do laugh alot. But I feel like there is so much more to me and that when I'm with him alot of that is hindered or unappreciated, not on purpose, but I've been with people before who have enjoyed those things about me, whereas with him it doesn't feel like that. I don't know how to describe very well how I'm feeling, I've woken up today feeling amazing because I'm just thinking of myself and being positive and bright about the future, but that's with keeping the thoughts of him aside. Not all days will be like this though. Without him I know I'd hurt for a long time. I'm so confused!

Would you say that the fact that i'm not excited about it and the thought gives me that 'no, dont it' feeling is a sign that it's not meant to be? Or maybe im just not ready...

Would you say that the fact that i'm not excited about it and the thought gives me that 'no, dont it' feeling is a sign that it's not meant to be? Or maybe im just not ready...

I would forget about "signs" and "meant to be" -get basic and practical. Would you want him to marry you if he wasn't excited about getting married to you? To me as I wrote there should be a feeling of excitement and being at least reasonably sure that this person is your forever person.

Yeh I am trying to get basic and practical about it. If I married him I think I would feel like something was still missing, or that I wasn't fulfilled. and I do get the feeling that he would feel the same, but then again he doesn't place his whole heart into a relationship like i do i dont think. his future dream is to get right into his car drifting, i know that's his main focus. the rest to him seems like bonuses.

Yeh I am trying to get basic and practical about it. If I married him I think I would feel like something was still missing, or that I wasn't fulfilled. and I do get the feeling that he would feel the same, but then again he doesn't place his whole heart into a relationship like i do i dont think. his future dream is to get right into his car drifting, i know that's his main focus. the rest to him seems like bonuses.

You don't really know that - perhaps with you that is how he is but in another relationship he might be different. i married at 42. My first two engagements were at ages 23 and 30 - I ended the first in a week, realizing he was Mr. Right Now and the second because it just didn't feel right. Ironically, almost 8 years later, engagement #2 and I got back together and then it was right. Huge difference in the relationship and how we interacted. It was worth the wait and IMO do not settle for "something is missing".

Bu if you love someone as much as he says he does, why wouldn't you give it your all?

Bu if you love someone as much as he says he does, why wouldn't you give it your all?

Maybe he is giving it his all, and maybe his all still falls short of your needs.