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Thread: I love him but don't know if I see a future - advice needed

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    I love him but don't know if I see a future - advice needed

    I've been with my partner for over 2 years (we're both 27), we live together. We laugh alot and we're both very comfortable around eachother. The only thing is, I don't know if I see a future with him. I know I love him and care about him and his happiness very much, and he's a great person - I just don't get excited about the thought of marrying him one day or having a child/children with him and those are two things I definitely want in life. We've been through our fair share of problems that's for sure (lying, angry drunk occasions, selfishness etc) - so I don't know if maybe all of those things have caught up to me and now it's making me realise I don't know what I want...of if I'm just confused.

    Has anyone else been through this and what helped you gain clarity/make the right decision?

    Thanks!!

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    Platinum Member rosephase's Avatar
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    How long have you been feeling this way?

    I've been with one of my partners for 12 years. I would say I've hit about four times when I really doubted our future. Where I couldn't see it, or if I did I didn't want it. We worked through it. Talked a lot. Went therapy worked on ourselves and supported each other. That feeling isn't necessarily the end but it does signal something is going on that isn't sitting well with you.

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    I've been unsure for most of the 2nd year of being with him, but very much so in the last 2 months
    He's not very open to the idea of getting help together or alone to try to improve the relationship. I'm seeing a counsellor but I would have to guilt him into seeing one, and I don't want to do that.
    Are you happy after 12 years?

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    I've been unsure for most of the 2nd year of being with him, but very much so in the last 2 months
    He's not very open to the idea of getting help together or alone to try to improve the relationship. I'm seeing a counsellor but I would have to guilt him into seeing one, and I don't want to do that.
    Are you happy after 12 years?

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    Platinum Member rosephase's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by AJBlue17
    I've been unsure for most of the 2nd year of being with him, but very much so in the last 2 months
    He's not very open to the idea of getting help together or alone to try to improve the relationship. I'm seeing a counsellor but I would have to guilt him into seeing one, and I don't want to do that.
    Are you happy after 12 years?
    I am. But that doesn't mean you will be. Also my partner was VERY willing to work on the relationship.

    If you've been unsure for most of the 2nd year it honestly might be NRE (new relationship energy) or limerence wearing off. The infatuation part is over and you are finding that the connection isn't strong enough without it. That's okay. It's even normal. That doesn't mean it doens't hurt. But you shouldn't stay with someone if you lack connection once all the love drugs wear off.

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    Thank you for your advice. I'm glad your partner was really willing to work on things. I know mine loves me very much, but I haven't felt like a priority for a good part of the 2 years, and I really feel like the idea of getting married and starting a family should be an exciting one, but I couldn't want it less than I do right now. I just don't see it happening. I don't know if there's something wrong with me, or if he and I just aren't eachothers forever person....

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    Platinum Member rosephase's Avatar
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    What are the
    lying, angry drunk occasions, selfishness
    issues? That's a lot of issues to accumulate in a year.

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    I know We've been through quite a lot (well I have). He's done alot of changing and growing, unfortunately we had to go through some sh*t to get there. He's still not a very nice drunk person, but we rarely go out for drinks anymore. Hes a good person. I just don't feel that deep connection with him like I have with others in the past...

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    Platinum Member Krankor's Avatar
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    OK, so do you still want to be his girlfriend for the time, just not his wife or the mother of his children? You're still young, but you aren't a kid anymore. Time marches on, and if children and marriage are something you definitely want then you should ask yourself how long you are willing to spin your wheels in this ultimately dead end relationship. Who knows how long it will take to find someone who DOES qualify in your mind...

    So, I'd ask myself that question. I'd also ask how you feel when you think about ending the relationship. Is it pretty easy to imagine life without him?

    Like I said, don't spin your wheels--or his--for long if he really isn't what you are looking for. I will add this one caution though: make sure you aren't just being overly picky. You say you love him. I've seen women in their mid-thirties still single because they never found that mythical unicorn of a man they were looking for who now will scream "Yes" over the ringing of their biological alarm clocks to men who they are less into than the guys they dumped in their twenties.

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    I don't want a mythical unicorn. I'm just wanting to feel more certain about my relationship than what I am lately. I know that nobody is perfect, I'm just at a stage where I'm evaluating my situation because I have spent 2 years putting my whole heart into a relationship, and I don't know that I can say the same about him. Expecting the same love and respect back is not being picky in my honest opinion.

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