I can't go on

Where to begin

I have a professional job in which i have been suspended from pending ongoing investigations (this has been a while now). I have people dealing with that part of things and it seems to be getting no further. Even if this is lifted i don't know what to do from there i can never go back given the untrue rumours that have been circulating. I am at a loss with this and really do not know how i will move forward pay bills and live once this is done with.

My BF has gone, i feel empty inside. I feel that life has very little to offer me any more. I feel constantly down and depressed and have little to live for. I can't remember the last time i just had a day where i didn't feel so down. I have sought professional help through counselling and anti depressants but none of these seem to be making any difference.

I once had lots of hobbies and interests. I had motivation in abundance but right now none of these seem to help i don't get the joy from them that i once did. I am feeling swamped by all of this and have nowhere else to turn. i am all out of ideas to regain my motivation and see the positives in life any more.

I am not in any position to commit suicide but the feelings i have overwhelm me to the point that it seems like this is not living any more its existing in a nightmare in which I'm struggling to cope. i just need help.

I'm really sorry you're feeling so bad, OP.

Depending on the nature of the investigations, would you be able to seek work in another field? How long have you been suspended?

Do you have a close friend or a family member that you could confide in? I know you are in therapy, but sometimes just having someone listen when you need it is helpful too. Have you informed your therapist that you're not feeling any improvement?

i have been out for 9 months now and i am stuck in limbo regarding work and i am unable to seek any other work until this is resolved due to laws and things so this is not helping at all having no focus. No-one seems to know what is going on despite the constant asking for information. My therapist is aware how i feel but we don't seem to get past this block wall hence asking for help from an outsider perspective.

As this has been going on for so long my friends and family are sick of hearing about my feelings so i either have to put on a happy front or avoid them when i am feeling low which is all the time lately. I'm scared i will lose everything and i have not got the strength to pick myself up any more. Also added in with the shame i feel from things being said which are completely untrue but i am unable to put people straight. Though my close friends and family know this is untrue.

9 months of investigating without an outcome seems excessive. Have you talked with an employment law attorney about your situation? Maybe it's time for you to get some outside legal help to get things moving one way or another. Nobody is really going to take care of your business but you and in this case, sitting by passively waiting for others to do their job isn't working. Perhaps it's time for you to take back control of your life and light some fires under some rear ends responsible for the investigation. Either they found something and need to proceed accordingly or they didn't and they need to close the case so you can move on with your life. Sitting in limbo for a such a long time would strain anyone.

Consider also, do you want to remain in this profession or would you like to start over and do something else? Many people change careers for all kinds of reasons, even as simple as being bored with what they are doing, so why not you? Giving yourself a fresh start and a new life and a new direction is a good way to get your spark back.