Worried about a toxic relative who is creeping back into our lives via our children.

Hi, I am a newby to this forum. As I have no one to discuss this problem with I thought I would try this forum.

I have a Brother in law and sister in law who we have not seen for over 6 years. My sil is a very jealous and vindictive person who has

given our family grief since we have known her which is now over 30 years. When they stopped visiting us over 6 years ago it was a blessing and we have

had an anxiety free time over these years. However, now that both our children are adults my daughter has made an effort to rebuild the close relationship with her cousins.

I have no problem with this. However my husband and I do not want anything to do with bil and sil.

With my kids having more contact with their cousins it means they have had more contact with the in laws. These people have no scruples and act as if nothing is wrong after all these years. As if they have not treated us and my mother in law atrociously. This is something I am really struggling with.

I do not want anything to do with them but I can foresee that they might be invited to future family events (e.g. weddings). in my opinion they do not

deserve to be a part of my family's happiness and use the good nature of my children to weasel their way back into our lives.

My dilemma is causing me so much guilt even though I have done nothing wrong. I can foresee that I will be made to make a decision that will make my children choose between me and them. It breaks my heart but this is something I feel so strongly to the core about. Why should people who have gone out of their way to be so malicious to us be a part of our happy times. I dread the day that one of my kids organises an event and tells me that they are inviting them. It puts them in a terrible position and makes me looks like I am the trouble maker. For over 30 years I bit my tongue and never said anything to the bil and sil because our children got along so well. Because I know they will never change I cannot let them back into my life. They are toxic and caused us so much stress that I cannot go back there.

Sorry about my rant but I needed to get it out.

You need to be more specific. What did they do? Do your children know?

There is a long list of things over so many years. My children do know as they were disappointed many times when they were younger when my SIL would change their plans at the last minute to take a better offer rather than fulfill plans we had already made. A lot of her behaviour was just petty like not lifting her head from a book to acknowledge us when we visited to offering everyone in the room a drink except me or inviting everyone to the kids birthday but not our MIL. Lying constantly to our MIL. She was just spiteful. She used to make plans with OUR friends and then try and omit us from those plans (thankfully our friends could see straight through her). She was jealous if she wasn't getting attention and resorted to "having" every illness under the sun to get attention.

She definitely has some problem. Probably she has a narcissistic personality disorder. They have gone through quite a few friends over the years and a couple of those friends have reached out to me in the past to also express their dismay about her behaviour in different situations. It is hard to explain without sounding petty. But as her behaviour over such a long period did cause us so much stress I do not want to go back there. It makes me feel sick to the stomach.

My son is a typical male who doesn't worry too much about it as he has his own life. My daughter knows exactly how I feel as she has probably been on the receiving end of this behaviour. The problem is my bil and sil act like nothing has happened and I suppose I feel upset that my kids have re-ignited a relationship with them in order to get in contact with their cousins again. I am not sure how to handle that.

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do. They will have to experience these jerks on their own.

I suggest that you decline invitations to get togethers, if you know that they will be attending.

Don't be manipulative and controlling, where you would ask them to choose. You are no better that the jerks, if you take this route.

Over time, it will work itself out.

Thanks Holly. Only problem with that advice is if the get together is my children's engagement or wedding. Not easy to knock back.

I am not a manipulative and controlling person that is why I find this hard to deal with. Because I feel so strongly about this it will look like I am

making them choose and I am being difficult. Most people would say just suck it up but this is one instance in my life where I do not want the one person who has caused me so much grief to win so to speak. I suppose I am just hoping they understand and they will take into consideration my feeling as I would with theirs.

Why not just take one day at a time. If they are as evil as you paint them to be then your children will see that on their own. Chances are high that their children have come to realize what a piece of work their mother is and everything will work out fine. At this point, you are projecting and it's not doing you a bit of good.

Have you told your children your thoughts/fears?

tell your kids that you respect their desire to have contact with them, but you still wish to have nothing to do with them. I'd also make it clear that if they are going to be attending family events, you will not be there.

If you end up missing out on big events, so be it.

It sounds like what happened was a series of slights -- nothing out and out illegal or abusive.

I think you shouldn't get in the way of your childrens' communication with them.

When the weddings come - luckily, there will be many people there as a buffer and you won't have to spend so much one on one time with them.

Don't attend general family parties -- but it would be very hurtful and wrong to not attend a loved one's wedding because the day is about the couple and not who might be a guest. Ditto funerals.

My son is a typical male who doesn't worry too much about it as he has his own life.

Be thankful that he is not preoccupied with it and giving himself an ulcer. It has nothing to do with being a "typical male". in my family, my brother would have held the grudge the longest.

Unfortunately my SIL's behaviour was more that just a series of slights...it has been 30 years of spitefulness and vindictiveness..nothing less. I do not want to and cannot possibly go into every event. I have never in my life met anyone like her and it is unfortunate she is a relative. My niece invited us to her 21st birthday and the rest of my family went as I was overseas with my daughter. The reception they got was terrible. They were completely ignored and left in no doubt that they were not welcome at their house by my sil and bil. (the nieces were fine). That was the last time my husband made an effort to visit them.

I agree with you it would be wrong not to attend my children's wedding etc. I cannot fathom that. I know this is going to be an issue in the future and someone else said I am projecting and it is a stupid thing to do.

The advice I have received from you all is the same advice I would give to someone else. It is reasonable and common sense. Unfortunately I cannot get over her past behaviour and just think it is so unfair that someone like that weasels their way back as though nothing has happened.

Thank you to everyone for your advice...I really appreciate it and it has helped me to think a bit clearer putting everything down in writing.