My parents put me down by being too honest without knowing it

Okay so I’d like to start off by saying that I love my parents more than anything and they love me too, they tell me they love me on daily basis and all my life did everything to make sure I had everything and put me before them.

Anyway, I’m fairly emotionally unstable at times and have extremely low self esteem. I’m not fat, I was always considered extremely pretty by everyone Yet I always feel extremely insecure and hate myself. Although I feel as if it comes in waves, I can have a really bad few weeks and then feel okay with myself for a week. Anyway, as much as my parents love me they never considered my emotional health, my life seems perfect from the outside so to them it was always that I’m overreacting. Although to me this still doesn’t make them worse parents, I guess they just don’t understand something they haven’t been through and I haven’t always been 100% open with them about it.

Anyway, for the past month or 2 I’ve been feeling extremely low, I didn’t wear makeup because I considered myself disgusting regardless and I just generally avoided looking in the mirror although I never really made it known to my parents as I didn’t want to worry them.

So tonight, I had some form of motivation and I sat down to do my makeup (I’m actually a fairly good makeup artist so I tried to have some fun with it) anyway after I was done I felt great, like I felt better than I have in a long time so I took pictures and send them to my boyfriend getting like so many compliments, I haven’t seen him this excited about me in a while. (He always calls me beautiful but it was just a different form of beautiful tonight as I’m he rarely sees me like this)

Anyway, I decided to post one of the pictures to Instagram. It was a nice picture, I felt amazing in it. So fast forward to like 15 minutes after I posted it I received a message from my mum saying “you look like a 40 year old in that picture” so I was like “what are you on about” and she just continued saying how it’s a ridiculous picture so I just sent her the thumbs up emoji as I didn’t want to proceed in this conversation at all so she came downstairs and started going on about the picture again in front of my dad so he was like “what picture” so my mum showed him and they both sat ther critising it my dad even said I look like a tranny. It was ego shattering, and the worst thing is that they don’t even realise. Don’t get me wrong they just think it’s okay being this honest, they would also call me beautiful and stuff like that. But that doesn’t change the fact these comments brought me straight back down to the bottom.

I just rushed upstairs after I heard enough and deleted the picture along with all my other recent selfies. I used to be really into makeup and posting pictures of myself on Instagram and I was happy to be doing that again tonight, but I feel as if that’s gone for good now.

I’m sorry if this is long, I just had no one else to turn to I’m sitting in the bath now crying my lil heart out and don’t know what to do, I don’t want to speak to them about it, Cause then it’d lead to big “motivational” talks that don’t help at all cause the topic is always turned thankyou so much for anyone that replies ❤️

My daughter wont have me on any social media at all hahaha maybe you need to cut your parents out of that side of your life . I know the kind of makeup you mean and they probably don't realise what is going on in the world of cosmetics , as parents we blunder our way through many mistakes ...which is why I am fine not been on my daughters social anything .

Relationships with parents change as we get older, I'm unsure how old you are Jenny?

As a teenager my parents would criticize what I wore, my make-up etc. (The classic "You're not going out in THAT are you?!") It's almost like it's their job to disapprove ...

Your BF thought the pics were beautiful. I bet you had other people 'like' your Instagram post too. Most importantly, you liked the pics. And girl, what you think is the most important thing. It's your life x

My daughter wont have me on any social media at all hahaha maybe you need to cut your parents out of that side of your life . I know the kind of makeup you mean and they probably don't realise what is going on in the world of cosmetics , as parents we blunder our way through many mistakes ...which is why I am fine not been on my daughters social anything .

Hahah maybe, but me me and my mum were always very close so I’d feel bad not having her on things like this, we post things together and stuff like that. Also my mum is still very young and she follows makeup pages on Instagram, and my makeup wasn’t that extreme it was just more shimmery than usual thanks anyway, it was good to hear opinion from an actual mum

Relationships with parents change as we get older, I'm unsure how old you are Jenny?

 

As a teenager my parents would criticize what I wore, my make-up etc. (The classic "You're not going out in THAT are you?!") It's almost like it's their job to disapprove ...

 

Your BF thought the pics were beautiful. I bet you had other people 'like' your Instagram post too. Most importantly, you liked the pics. And girl, what you think is the most important thing. It's your life x

I’m 19, and I understand completely what you mean about the change but i still feel extremely close with both my parents haha. Yeah I suppose, I think it’s just the tone in which they were saying it, this whole self esteem I had today just shattered in a matter of seconds thankyou so much, I really needed this sort of positivity ❤️

Hahah maybe, but me me and my mum were always very close so I’d feel bad not having her on things like this, we post things together and stuff like that. Also my mum is still very young and she follows makeup pages on Instagram, and my makeup wasn’t that extreme it was just more shimmery than usual thanks anyway, it was good to hear opinion from an actual mum

 

Oh that's fair enough then , just try and put it down to a mum thing ....I tell you what I did ...when my daughter turned 18 we went to an open mike night with some of my friends , stood at the bar and I said what I wanted and the barman looked at her , she said what she wanted but didn't say please ..top of my voice , I said in * mum * voice ...* PLEASE * ....oh her face hahahaha and I thought yep , this is why she wont add me on facebook .

I’m 19, and I understand completely what you mean about the change but i still feel extremely close with both my parents haha. Yeah I suppose, I think it’s just the tone in which they were saying it, this whole self esteem I had today just shattered in a matter of seconds thankyou so much, I really needed this sort of positivity ❤️

I struggle with low self-esteem too, this is the kind of advice I give myself. I'm glad I could spread a little positivity

I know it's hard but just ignore your parents. My mom told me I was fat when I was young (even though I was thin and still am.) I understand what they say effects you because my mom telling me I was fat when I was young still bothers me today. I would also say I'm consider attractive by other standards. But I also have low self esteem. However sometimes she laughs and says my Facebook photos are weird. But I don't take it to heart because I have other people telling me I'm pretty. Try not to focus on the negative. Because obviously you have other people telling you are beautiful like your boyfriend. Just try to focus on the positive. Besides your parents love you. Also parents have their own fashion sense when they were young and makeup style that we consider weird.

I'm not a fan of what your parents said. At the same time, at 19, it is quite concerning to me these are the things you are choosing to focus on. 19 is early adulthood. A time to be exploring life, spreading your wings, learning and establishing independence. You are not a little girl anymore. Running upstairs and thinking 'I'm never going to wear make up again nor post selfies of it" in response to your parents harsh comments is sort of like throwing a temper tantrum. You have to be stronger than that, or else the world will eat you up.

Why is your self esteem so low? Work on that. Make up and selfies is not a way to build self esteem. It's fine as a fun little thing to do once in a while. But it shouldn't have all this weight.

What things of meaning do you have going on right now? Focus on the substance, the rest will follow.

I'm not a fan of what your parents said. At the same time, at 19, it is quite concerning to me these are the things you are choosing to focus on. 19 is early adulthood. A time to be exploring life, spreading your wings, learning and establishing independence. You are not a little girl anymore. Running upstairs and thinking 'I'm never going to wear make up again nor post selfies of it" in response to your parents harsh comments is sort of like throwing a temper tantrum. You have to be stronger than that, or else the world will eat you up.

 

Why is your self esteem so low? Work on that. Make up and selfies is not a way to build self esteem. It's fine as a fun little thing to do once in a while. But it shouldn't have all this weight.

 

What things of meaning do you have going on right now? Focus on the substance, the rest will follow.

Okay i get where you’re coming from, but do you have any idea what mental disorders work like? There’s times I can’t physically focus on anything other than this. Of course I go to uni, I’m earning a degree in what I’m planning to do in the future, I have a great boyfriend and an okay social life. But sometimes such things get overwhelming you know? Especially when you feel very low for so long, it’s really hard to maintain it and any comment like this shatters it in an instance. Also, I feel as if you’re getting a completely wrong interpretation of this, I didn’t just run upstairs, would you want to sit there and listen to your parents critising everything and say you look like a Tranny in this picture? Of course not, I just told them okay and that I’m going to shower and go to bed. No running or crying in front of them, I had a moment of weakness on my own once I got upstairs.

Also it’s not just “makeup and selfies”, you know people actually get a career out of this? Please be more understanding as people have different interests and career paths, for a while this “makeup and selfies” is what I lived off and for, I did makeup for myself, for people, for events and for competitions and staying active on social media and posting these “selfies” was an important part of it especially at such a young age. So yes, this is a big deal to me as maybe I wanted to get back into this? And such comments may have completely shattered my chance of getting back to what I was extremely passionate about? Now I’m following a more journalism career path, which still requires me to stay very active on social media if I want to get anywhere, maybe not so much selfies but it’s still esteem shattering when you’re put down like this.

Thankyou very much for your response, and it did make me think but I also think you were quite inconsiderate for mental health and career.

You loved the pic, your BF loved the pic, and your parents reacted not to the beautiful woman they saw, but rather to their own desire to keep you pigeon-holed as their 'little girl'.

This isn't about bashing your parents, but rather about raising the idea that your neuroses likely stems from this conflict. You're trying to grow up amidst loving but misplaced and self serving messages that you 'should' remain stagnant in time as your parents wish to 'see' you.

This is a common tension in households of women your age who still live with their parents. It's exactly why so many fly the coop to go school themselves away from home. That's not to prescribe such a remedy, although it's one to consider. You're having a difficult time trying to spread your wings, and that's likely because a parent's job is to teach their kids to grow roots AND wings--and the roots are never the hard part.

Adoring your parents is lovely, but not to the degree that it stifles your growth beyond their approval. If you have not yet reached a rebellious stage, consider that you are intelligent enough to do so without harming your relationship with your parents in the way that so many go off the deep end to effect. Instead, you can work with a school therapist to learn how to grow past the tension and the mixed messages of your parents to change the balance of power in your relationship. This will mean adopting the mentality of an adult rather than holding onto the role of The Child as you learn to behave in ways that equalize your relationship. Some destabilization is natural when we learn to stop 'pleasing' and start using discretion in what we choose to reveal to our parents about the changes in us that they are not yet ready to accept.

Head high, and write more if it helps.