My wife hates my mother, refuses to have contact...

My wife hates my mother and refuses to have contact with her. Furthermore, she refuses to allow our daughter, 1.5 years old, to have contact with her as well. I am standing by my wife at the moment. Here are the details...

Here’s a little background for perspective…

I was adopted when I was an infant. My mother and father worked very hard to maintain a certain lifestyle and had minimal time home with me, so I grew up in day care and with babysitters, as many children today do. My parents then divorced when I was 8 years of age. My mother became depressed as a result, and spent any free time she had in front of the TV, usually in a bad mood. I would try to talk with her and she would become very angry as I interrupted her TV programming. I do not remember spending any time with my mother other than working around the yard and house. She would ask a lot of me as far as physical work, such as yard work, pool cleaning, repairs, raking leaves, etc. My mother was always yelling at me, cursing me for doing things incorrectly, or for being lazy. She treated her subsequent boyfriends in the same manner. This was normal to me, so I never thought much of it. I had everything I ever wanted as a child as far as toys and other physical possessions. I had a great gaming computer, a pool, all sports equipment, etc. My mother always bought things for me and also always reminded me how much she had to work to pay for these things. Guilt became so strong that now, today, I really dread getting any gift from my mother as I don’t want to feel guilty for her spending her money for me. I suspect I was a bit neglected and never spent any time with my mother. I remember many more trips with my father during limited visitation periods (result of the divorce) we had together. My mother always spoke very badly of my father and his new wife and family. My friends, growing up, also knew how my mother was and nobody said anything about it. We were careful to avoid her and not anger her during times of hanging out and such. During my teenage years, I become very rebellious and perhaps attention seeking. I got into a lot of trouble, and also got into many fights with my mother. I became quite a bit of a problem, for which I thought, and maybe still do believe, I was responsible for. I was arrested several times, and things began to look pretty bad for me.

Towards the end of high school, I cleaned myself up, somehow, and got into college. I excelled in a degree in aviation. I am now a successful pilot. I have no idea what changed me and the path I was on, as I can’t think of any major external factors. I love aviation and that love made the studies fun and easy to me.

My wife comes from a very wholesome, catholic family. They never had major hardships or troubles that my family did. They were essentially a perfect family. My wife sees me as an amazing gem that beat all the odds, bound for a path towards incarceration. I don’t necessarily feel the same way, however.

My wife hates my mother as she feels that she was a horrible mother to me during my childhood, offering me no support, blaming me for simply seeking attention, and for working me like a slave. Again, I feel my upbringing was normal. Regardless, the real feuding began when my wife and I became pregnant.

My mother instantly began telling us that my wife would be hormonally crazy, so we’d better prepare. My mother began rants of doom and gloom, my wife was too old (38), and that life would be very difficult for us from here on out. My mother also insisted on arranging and having the baby shower. My wife was horrified as she did not want to be involved with my mother’s plans and how impossible to please she is. Sure enough, my mother has complained, for over 2 years now, of how badly the baby shower was because my wife didn’t hold the gifts up properly for others to see, and she didn’t always face the group of people for photos or whatnot.

Things developed for the worse over the next few months. I asked my mother to visit us, a 2.5 hour drive, to which she replied, “I can’t, I have responsibilities, something you two know nothing about.” My wife has a phd, a veterinarian, and I am a private jet captain. We take care of ourselves nicely, yet apparently we know nothing of responsibilities. My mother is retired and simply cares for her flowers and mows the lawn. This severely angered my wife, and myself, I have to admit. I do wish my mother would have taken a different role in my daughters life, not just paying for parties but spending time and being truly thankful for this awesome gift of a new baby.

Things became even worse when after our daughter was born,(2016) I brought my wife and child to an annual summer party at my mother’s house. My wife’s mother also joined. My mother apparently thought that she would be handed the baby to parade around with showing everyone her grand-daughter. My wife had other ideas. My wife didn’t allow anyone to hold our 1 month old daughter, this was her choice and I fully supported it. My mother became very irate at this. My mother later scolded me over the phone, cursing out my wife and her mother for being privileged, and having wealth, my mother was insinuating that she herself wasn’t good enough to hold the baby on that day. (My mother held the baby when she was born more than once, it was just being seen at the party with the baby, I believe, is what the issue was).

Side note: My wife and I are reveling in parenthood. We have a perfect, beautiful angel. Prior to this, we travelled the world and did so many things. We were definitely ready to give all of ourselves to parenting. We plan our lives around our daughter, taking her hiking, to parks, swimming, etc. And we LOVE it. We let our little lady explore and do almost anything she wants, as long as she's not hurting herself or others. We think she has plenty of time in her later years to learn rules and be governed by society, now is her time to play. This is simply our choice as parents.

Back to the feud: Things worsened even further when this past summer, I took the family to my mother’s house again, our daughter now 1 and a half years old. Our daughter was playing with magazines, and Kleenexes as we let her do almost whatever she wants as long as she’s not hurting herself or others. My mom struggled to hold in her outrage at us not yelling at our daughter to stop making a mess. I was tired of being in the middle of my wife and mother, and so I asked them to talk. My mother rapidly began firing words at my wife about the past incidents of the baby shower, the holding of the baby, and how lazy my wife is. My mother even cursed, saying, “You don’t f#@king know anything”, and, “I bet you would let your daughter play with a loaded gun if she wanted”. I was frozen.

My wife retaliated by calming explaining that this was our turn to be parents, and that my wife and her family were not lazy just because they’re wealthy, they worked very hard to pursue doctorate degrees and such. My wife said that perhaps my mother was a bad mother, neglecting me, and that was not how we want to parent. My wife is able to stay home from work for almost two years now because of my salary, and I am very thankful for this! It shocked me that my mother would not see this as a great thing! Instead, she sees this as my wife being lazy. I was impressed at my wife’s ability to remain calm while my mother lost control.

Here’s where we are currently at… My wife never wants to see my mother again, nor does she want her in contact with our daughter. I feel very depressed at this, because my mom is still my mom. I have fully supported my wife, however, and I will always stand up for my family. It saddens me deeply, very deeply to think that my daughter will have no contact with my mother.

Am I doing the right thing by standing by my wife? How can I fix this? What IS the right thing? Very curious to hear from an outside perspective. Thank you.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. And I have to commend you for being such a great husband and standing by your wife. I do think you're doing the right thing. I, personally, agree with your wife 100%. If your mother was my mother in law, she'd never see me or the kids until or unless she learned how to interact and be civil with other adults. Again, I really am sorry you're stuck in the middle of this, but as I'm sure you know, your wife and daughter come first. I'm sorry but your mother sounds absolutely dreadful.

OK, so in principle your wife doesn't have the right to make any unilateral decisions involving your daughter. She is your child too and what you want and think is best matters too.

However, in this situation I pretty much have to do what you've done and take your wife's side. Your mother had a chance to be Grandma and she absolutely blew it with her bad behavior. She sounds toxic and I don't blame your wife for not wanting to put up with that.

You can't force your wife to have anything to do with you mother nor should you try. As far as your child goes, I don't think your wife can stop you from taking her to visit your mother. However, I don't think it's worth fighting that battle. There are consequences to treating people the way your mother does. Unfortunately she is unlikely to see that--she will likely think you and your wife are in the wrong--but that's how it is.

That's a very sad situation, but I think you're doing the right thing by standing by your wife. Your mom is out of line. Perhaps some time in the future, things will change. But for right now, it's probably best to stay away from her altogether.

Thanks for the replies, everyone. An outside perspective helps tremendously.

I've attempted to communicate to my mother how she may be creating much of the problems between my wife and her, and she repeats her opinion that my wife is lazy and over-privileged. My mother will begin to cry and say that she will never see her granddaughter. This makes me feel very guilty and seems to really make the problem never-ending.

Was my mother correct in being offended and upset over the baby shower? Holding the baby during a family event?

Thanks for the support, I tried to be as objective as possible in my narrative. I become riddled with guilt at the thought of all this. I'm my mother's only child and her seeing her only granddaughter is important, however, I see no resolution here.

What was going to harm your daughter by holding her? I am not sure I understand this non holding thing for fear of germs and whatever and yet you are breathing the same air. Know what I am saying? Kind of silly.

Every grandparent LOVES to display their grandkids. This is not just your mom or wrong.

Three your wife does not get to make it unilateral decisions about who your daughter sees.

If you let your daughter do whatever she likes at home great but recognize other people have rules AT THEIR house and they are within their right to do so, even grandparents.

I will say I despise my inlaws as well but I don't deny them their grandchild.

But also I think your mom behaved very badly.

OP I do agree with Seraphim that your wife--and you--are not 100% innocent in this. It was disrespectful to allow your daughter to make a mess at your mother's house and then pull the "we're the parents" card. It also wouldn't have killed your wife to let your mom hold the baby for a little bit that day.

However, the way your mother has responded is way over the top. If you want to take your daughter to visit your mom, go for it. It's not as if she is going to maim or molest her. But don't try to force a relationship between your mom and your wife.

My son was held by every single person at his shower and he survived just fine.

Hi Aviator. I think it would be a good idea to have a heart to heart talk with your Mom. Just the two of you. Explain that saying things like your wife is privileged and lazy IS NOT HELPING HER CAUSE. Call a truce with her and tell her that you would like to wipe the slate clean, and from now on, nothing of the past is to ever be mentioned again. Tell her that you want her to have a relationship with your child, and that whether she does or not depends entirely up to her and how she conducts herself in the future. Give her this one last chance, and gently let her know that it is one last chance. As you said, in the end....she is your Mom. Then arrange something that all of you can do together and see how it goes.

My Mom is passed on to the other side now. She did some really nutty stuff too, but in the end....I cried when she died . I knew that she had a mental illness.

Have this heart to heart with her.....

No, your mother wasn't correct about the baby shower either. New moms have serious anxiety about letting other people hold/carry their baby. It stresses me out so badly that I stopped attending family functions. Everyone always wanted to play "pass the baby" and I was a nervous wreck, people got mad about it, so I quit going. You have to respect a new mother, regardless of how you feel about it.

Both women were wrong. Mom was out of line for her reaction at the family union. Your wife acted like an uptight snoot over having grandma holding the baby -- so yeah, she deserved the title "privileged" for that behavior.

I think that you need to side with your wife, here. You are her husband.

You told your wife stories about how terrible your mother was growing up, then your mother has treated your wife horribly from day one! Your mother was not supportive - she has criticized your wife and cast her in a bad life at every possible moment. Your wife is setting BOUNDARIES because her husband will not.

And you don't respect your wife much because you said "nothing happened to her " growing up. Like you want to punish her for having two supportive parents - something you should find as a benefit for your child. I think you should stop talking about how your wife has all these problems and won't talk to your mother and instead recognize how horrible your mother has been to your wife and maybe set some boundaries as well.

Here’s where we are currently at… My wife never wants to see my mother again, nor does she want her in contact with our daughter. I feel very depressed at this, because my mom is still my mom. I have fully supported my wife, however, and I will always stand up for my family. It saddens me deeply, very deeply to think that my daughter will have no contact with my mother.

So still see your mother by yourself regularly. Maybe in time if mom can prove that not every encounter involves her completely tearing your wife down, that she will get to see your daughter even if in controlled circumstances. Let this blow over. Don't push your wife into seeing mom. Just put the shoe on the other foot. What if your wife's dad sexually abused her? or what if she basically had to fend for herself and her parents were never home (not a latchkey kid, but basically fended for herself)? Would thrilled to let your daughter when she is so young be in their presence where they can influence her or hurt her? She is being the protective momma bear. And she has had enough. Your wife posed a reasonable argument to your mom(her parents worked hard to get where they ended up, etc.) and your mom STILL cannot be reasoned with. Your mom has insulted her family.

Do you have other family, like cousins, aunts and uncles that are a positive influence that your daughter can know?

Holy crow, maybe it's just me, but I don't think petty squabbles between grown ups is a good reason to keep a baby from her family.

Growing up, my mom and my grandma didn't have a good relationship between them ( my fathers mom).

So dad took us to visit grandma. She wasn't a threat to us, and my mom was wise enough to recognize that her personal feelings for the woman weren't the most important thing. And my grandma added to my life.

Not saying your mom is a saint, but kids and grandkids aren't pawns to reward or punish someone else.

Maybe I'm missing something? Is your mom inappropriate with your little girl?