Sex, porn & lies

I have some relationship problems I'd like to discuss about my 3 year boyfriend.. so we've had lots of problems in the past (no cheating) just lots of lies & broken promises..

there's so much to go through so I'll just stick with our (my) current problem.

He used to have a porn addiction that was affecting our sex life; he would watch it in the morning before work (sorting himself out) on his lunch break (not sorting himself out) and then he would come home, play family life then we head to bed; he's too tired for sex.

I confronted him, he stopped; our sex life was back to normal.. month or so later, he started again.. our sex life declined.. and repeat.. and repeat.. and repeat.. then he started hiding it from me, we split up, got back together, he started again, our sex life declined.. he stopped again: as you can see this is a regular routine until last year!

So it got to the point where I ended up finding a secret memory card with a secret phone - I also found loads of porn DVD's including a home made video of me & my ex husband that I swear I see him throw in the fire pit! I was mortified & fuming!! He was horrified and seemed truly pissed off with himself.. I told him if it happens again then that will be it.. that it will be over and I wasn't playing! He realised the severity of it; So he stopped, this time he actually stopped! I started making videos for him, photos, dressing up etc.. he loved it!

Well a few weeks ago we commented that he had made it 11 months this time with no fall backs, he said at how he was so proud of himself and I too of course was so proud of him, our sex life was great, my trust for him was repaired and I told him that - I was happy, he was happy.

Last week & this week whilst we have been having sex, I dunno, it just felt like we wasn't connected, like it was abit going through the motions.. he's normally very quick wgich I get kicks from to be honest but lately he's been taking a lot longer and his orgasms haven't been strong like they used to.. the sex is getting less & less and he doesn't seem like he's into it.. I just thought maybe he was getting abit bored of me.

This morning he took himself off to the bathroom & spent some time in there, come out and said that the new spray I bought is great as it doesn't smell at all after using it! Excuse the "too much info" so after going in there myself I too was quite impressed by this spray lol.. we had a laugh over it etc..

Well my suspicions got the better of me, considering our recent sex issues and I checked his history: yes I know! But I did and I'm glad I did because he was actually in there sorting himself out over porn.. after all our problems in the past, over all the times he's lied to me etc.. when he come out of the toilet this morning, he didn't need to say anything about what he'd been up to in there, he could have just carried on as normal and I'd have thought nothing else of it! But he didn't, he purposely tried to sway me off the idea knowing he hadn't actually been to the toilet therefore creating a reason why it didn't smell as usual, it's pretty bloody pathetic if you ask me! I don't care if he wanks, he goes in there to sort himself out sometimes and it doesn't bother me! But for whatever reason, when he gets his hands on porn; our sex life goes to pot! I don't get it!?

So ok I don't like porn, porn now and then when the wife/husband is away ok, fine I get it but daily? When your getting yourself off every day that when it comes down to the evening & your wife is available, you don't want it anymore? Because you already sorted yourself out? I have needs too! I get horny too, but I can wait until later.. I'd much rather have sex with my boyfriend then I would having a quick 2 minute wank.. my ex husband had an obsession also, a massive problem! And it completely ruined us! So every time he does this, I fear for us! I really do, I'm not getting sex.. because he's already sorted himself out and when he does have sex with me it feels like he's doing it just because! He doesn't seem to be enjoying it, I feel like abit of a fool when I'm riding him for example having my wicked way when suddenly it dawns on me that he's not actually THAT into it as I am.. of course that kills my enjoyment.. it's just a viscious cycle!

So now I'm stuck on what to do, once again my trust has gone for him.. and to be honest I'm sick of not trusting him, trusting him, not trusting him..

and I'm sick of having such a pathetic sex life because of he's too occupied in wanking off over some other bird on a phone screen! I'm sick of him lying to me, insulting my intelligence!

And I'm sick of going through the same thing over & over again!

To reiterate; porn is not the problem, the false promises; the lies and the affect it's having on our sex life is the problem. I don't know what I'm asking, but I guess nothing is going to change, is it?

Our sex life used to be bloody incredible, but sometimes; when porn is involved.. I'm the one that suffers for it.

After the second chance was blown, that should've been it for you. If you'll only be happy with a man if he makes a major change, then he's the wrong person for you, because as you see, HE'S NOT GOING TO CHANGE to your liking.

The point of dating is to see who is right for you and who isn't. Women are nurturing souls who hope and pray and give numerous changes. A smart woman cuts off a man as soon as she sees a man doesn't meet her needs, and communication hasn't made things right. Time to cut out of this sickening situation so you can have a chance to be with an emotionally together man after you've mourned this dying relationship.

Honestly, it is his body and his life, what he does with and to it is HIS prerogative. So, if you don't like it, walk, simple as that. If he does not live up to your expectations or conform to your controlling behaviour, then go find someone that is more in line with what you want.

I'm far from controlling Keyman, maybe you've got the wrong end of the deal from my post. He can wank & watch porn all he likes! Like you say, his body! But I am going without sex because of it, I need a relationship with sex.. I have told him this before, if he wants to be in a relationship with me then he's going to need to do what it takes so that he can fulfill my needs also.. to me, it feels like he would rather wank to porn then to have sex with me; that or he cannot control the urge enough to wait a few hours.. either way it's making me feel like I am doing something wrong and/or maybe not doing it for him anymore.. if that's the case I wish he would tell me rather than "promising" to fix it.. I love him and I want to make it work but I need to feel wanted, I need sex.. if he cannot offer that than fine but atleast stop stringing me along and tell me he cannot give me what I want, to stop lying to me: I will have to bite the bullet and do the hard work for him by the looks of it.

Thankyou for your reply Angina, I always assumed his porn/masturbating habit come from him previous marriage; he said that she didn't have sex with him often so he resorted to porn, masturbating, online chat rooms etc.. so I assumed his habits were just that, habits!

I've come to realise it never was because his wife didn't have sex with him; because I never say no to him and he's still doing it.

Goes to show it's just his personality, that's fine but it's interfering with my needs unfortunately.

Leave him. You will not get everything you want from him. Badgering him, as you have seen, will only work for a while before he goes back to a state where he is happy. And if he is happy, he won't want to leave. You, however, are unhappy. He is not living up to your wants and desires. So it is up to you to walk away. And if you won't, then suck it up and live with it.

Thankyou for your honest advice Keyman.

Keeping a video of you and your ex is a violation of your privacy. Unless that was given to him by you, he should not be in possession of it.

If he favors masturbation over you, time to move on. Simple as that.

Porn is a novelty at first, then an enhancement, then a habit, then an addiction, a dependency. It's also finally intimacy avoidant. But it may be intimacy avoidance to begin with, which may explain any lack of sex in his first marriage. Not about whether he truly loves, but rather about whether he feels consistently safe to be truly vulnerable in that intimacy. Sometimes people don't, and it's not because the sex has worn off; sometimes it is that the love between the two people has deepened to a level of trust and care that one person does not know how to cope with.

You wouldn't think that anyone would feel like they have to cope with being and feeling love. But depending on childhood history and subsequent relational experiences, for some people, feeling very deeply or vulnerable to a partner is just downright terrorizing. Food for thought. Stay gentle.

The problem with any long term porn use, whether recreational or habitual/dependent, is that at any given point, the old stuff gets boring and doesn't provide the right kick. High-speed Internet porn collects and purveys new content and twists every second, and all the portals are savvy about projecting those adrenalized twists at the viewer, whether the viewer wants to see them or not. So -- especially with Internet porn -- what started out as maybe a single furtive glance winds up becoming a rabbit hole with no end. It's full of distraction and only fleeting pleasure and really a lot of unpleasant interactions. And guilt, and shame. And all this does do a number on the human brain.

I like that you were able to discuss it as a couple and that he was able to stop using for that length of time -- his "sobriety" is commendable. But the length of your relationship is right about at the mark where things "get real" and partners are showing who they are. It sounds like your couplehood is ok except for the hiding/lying around porn use. What I'm getting from you is that if he must use it, you'd prefer sparingly and truthfully. This is fair and yet if he has a dependency, he also has shame and guilt about it, and shame and guilt will both hide and lie.

It is absolutely true that porn use is going to alter anyone's ability to relate intimately. I don't mean physically even: it begins in the brain, and is a matter of focus. But with the focus broken and cued to so many other options and positions and sometimes shocking images, it's difficult for the porn user to dial back down to the central and actual physical partner in their bed -- who may love them very deeply and who they may love also, in all their being.

Sometimes loving at that level is just really frightening. Not so for everyone, but definitely for some. Look at his truths kindly. If the relationship is sound in other ways, the hiding and lying and relative inertia around actual sex all are components of porn addiction. Lying and secrecy are basic truck for any addiction; it's around shame and fear of vulnerability.

It's said that the antidote to addiction is connection. If the addiction is around sex, connecting via sex is maybe not the best solution. I understand your frustration and have lived through it, with a lot of tears. Just know that his use is not a measure of his love.

As for his having vid of you and your ex, that's sort of ungodly strange. My sense is that somewhere unconscious he needed both an insight into a "you" he can't fully see, and also some minor level of control over the fact that you participated in sex act with someone else and on film.

I'm not sure what to say about that but it bears looking at.