Need insight, struggling with causing domestic violence

Hello,

I am writing to share my experience as a perpetrator of domestic violence (dreamed) against my now ex-girlfriend.

Thank you in advance if you take the time to read this.

When it comes to domestic violence it seems the consensus is that:

* the man is 100% to blame

* once an abuser always an abuser

* He will treat his next partner the same way

* calculates when to abuse; and sets out to abuse his partner from the outset as forms of control

* is an overall terrible person

Maybe some exaggeration, but I think it’s not so far off.

-I would like to challenge all these ideals, share my experience and hear any words of advice or opinion.

Background: was in a 2-year relationship with my now ex-girlfriend, no history of violence or abuse with previous partners.

I hurt this girl physically on 4 occasions, I will cut to the chase and summaries the incidents.

1st: just over 1 year into the relationship,

we were laying on the bed together; I was being playfully obnoxious, pretending to wrestle her (teasingly, she was irritated but not being hurt); she told me to stop that’s enough and to get off- so I did.

I sat up and she was on her back, she brought her knees up to her chest and pushed out he hind legs kicking me hard in the face. I instinctively retaliated and I hit her; twice in the shoulder.

She began crying and that was it.

2nd incident: about 2 months later, after a long day out together (beach, shopping, restaurant). We returned home and decided to watch a DVD.

It was late, past midnight I was sleepy and we moved the film to the bed. 10 mins in I was falling asleep and told gf I won’t be able to stay awake much longer suggesting we go to sleep and finish watching in the morning. She began to get upset and said to me that I promised her we will watch the film. I wasn’t very responsive (falling asleep) - I said I’m sorry I can’t and I need to sleep. She began getting very upset and started screaming at me, (legitimately screaming at top of her lungs) YOU PROMISED HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME, I told her there is no way we are watching the film now anyway after you are screaming (how could we cuddle and relax??), please stop otherwise I wont be able to sleep. She didn’t stop and I told her you are making me feel crazy, I don’t know what to do please stop or I will hit you. She only got louder and angrier and I hit her once in the shoulder. She packed, left and stayed the night at her friends place

3rd: One week later, things were still rocky after previous weekends incidents; to compound the previous night gf said I must sleep on the couch (because I was staying up to watch a football game and drink some beers). Next evening, we got into an argument (over something stupid) and she began to taunt me saying ‘what are you going to do hit me??’ I told her no, then she walked into the bedroom and began packing all her belongings. I asked her what she was doing and she wouldn’t talk to me. I pleaded with her what’s going on, let’s talk about this, where are you going etc. She kept her head down and acted as if I wasn’t there. I was very angry/confused and I put my hands around her neck and shook her. She screamed and that was it. She continued to pack and left.

I did not see her again for about 6 weeks.

Final time:

6 months later, it was the last time I hurt her and this incident ended the relationship for good.

Some background- I had my college final exams and was focused on my studies with very little free time.

My gf had told me she was depressed and suicidal and the nights before my exams she would cry for hours and I had to comfort her until she was happy enough to sleep (otherwise would continue to cry and wail, so I couldn’t study). It was not easy times. After exams, I was still busy with work and gf was feeling lonely and one day she went to lunch with my mother.

She sent me a text to tell me her plans and I replied have fun, see you tonight. I had bought us tickets to an amusement park to surprise her the next morning.

She told my mum during lunch that things were not great and my mum suggested she stay at their place.

I was at the gym at the time, and received a phone call from my mother saying, ‘gf will be staying at our place indefinitely and she thinks its best you just be friends.’

Obviously, I was very angry at this, especially she didn’t have the courage to tell me herself and used my own mother, also the fact I had a surprise trip for us the next morning; it was all very hurtful.

I blocked her number/email and wanted nothing to do with her. Few days later I received a call from my mum and it was my GF telling me that it was a big misunderstanding and she never even wanted to stay at my parents place and did not want to be just friends, I accepted what she told me and she came home to me that night.

A matter of nights later she was sitting on the couch not speaking with me and on her phone texting. I was weary that it could be with my mother- and after the recent events did not want her telling my mother personal things about our relationship.

So I ask her who she is texting and she said just a friend.

I asked to see her phone and she refused and ran into the bedroom and closed the door.

I followed her to the room and asked why on Earth would you react that way if you are just texting a friend & if you have nothing to hide show me your phone.

She refused and I told her I don’t care even if you are texting my mother, just show me your phone and that will be the end of it. She refused and then I threatened to hit her if she wouldn’t show me. She refused and then I hit her, once in the mouth.

Now she shows me her phone; it had 0 messages, she had already deleted everything. I was confused and angry- why she didn’t just show me in the first place; regardless I know I made a huge mistake and I felt terrible, disgusted that I just hit my girlfriend in the face, she didn’t deserve that.

We have since broken up, that was 6 months ago, we don’t live close to each other and haven’t had any contact in the past couple months.

Personally, I have taken the whole thing tough; deep down I know I am a good person and did try hard for us to work- but then I have acted very hastily and violently in these circumstances and I wish I had never hurt her. I do/did not know where to turn or what to do moving forward. It has been very lonely, I have been seeing a psychologist since this incident and continue to get regular appointments.

I know I acted very wrong and honestly there isn’t an excuse for hurting my then girlfriend like I did.

However, I do feel that nothing is black and white, contrary to general consensus regarding domestic violence. Maybe I’m wrong; but I feel there isn’t a one box fits all and there are always two sides to a story.

I am not justifying what I did, merely shedding light on my perspective.

I am single and 6 months on still think about her quite often. It’s still difficult for me to comprehend everything but I take it as a harsh lesson; thank that nothing more serious happened and ultimately think it may be a blessing in disguise.

Again, thank you for taking the time to read. Judge me if you wish and I prefer honest feedback.

I think that you are both dysfunctional; and terrible for one another.

The first incident was equally blameful. The following were all on you! I don't give a damn what she was saying or doing, YOU HAD NO RIGHT HITTING THIS GIRL!

I don't think you get your responsibility in all of this, if you did, you WOULD NOT have started this thread (victim blaming).

I am glad you are getting help for being an abuser.

I appreciate this response, thanks.

IMO - You need to seriously think about how you manage stressful situations and be away from this girl for your own good.

1st Event - She assaulted you violently - you replied with violence = Crime on her part. I don't even blame you for hitting her back. As unpopular and wrong as this sounds, if a woman hits me, she better expect to get hit back.

In all other events, regardless of the circumstance, you committed a crime. This is not just a matter of how you and her feel about it. They were crimes. You could get a criminal record for this. Do you get how serious that is? Your career, life, freedom can be seriously jeopardized for that. From your writing it doesn't seem like you get it. You act like a kid when you get put in those situations... seriously, this is not middle school anymore. You don't just go to the principal's office - you get put in jail for this stuff. Grow up - you are putting your life on the line here.

Maybe I’m wrong; but I feel there isn’t a one box fits all and there are always two sides to a story.

I agree that there are usually two sides to every story, however, when it comes to physical violence that one box does not fit all, it stands alone.

I hope you're able to get the help you need.

My abusive partner was female. She didn't hit (except for that one time). She was emotionally and physiologically abusive. I don't put the blame on her or assume that she will be abusive towards her current partners (although I worry that she will be). Abuse is actually very complicated. Some people pursue it because that's what they feel like they deserve. A lot people find that they are abusing their partner out of a deep pain and deep attachment. My partner was so hurt she tried to provoke an abusive response out of me and her other partner. The ways we end up hurting the people we value and love are never as simple as back and white. They are deeply complicated motivations created by our histories, our culture, our family environment, our attachment and our views of ourselves.

You've allowed yourself to cross a very clear line repeatedly. That doesn't mean you will always respond that way. But it does mean you have to actively work to express that response in a non-abusive way. You've created or continued a pattern of physical violence as a means of handling being emotionally overwhelmed and as a threat to get your way. You need to own your pattern to start dismantling it.

When you HIT someone, there are NO two sides to the story! I am sorry, but nothing the other person does justifies being physically abused! Okay, you hit someone in the face to free a child they are holding hostage, you do NOT hit your girlfriend!! There is no "its not a black and white issue". There are tons of men and women who would be in the situation of their significant other yelling that they were disappointed that they didn't get to finish a movie, and they would go to the other room to cool off or not react vs HITTING THEM.

My ex used to say those same words "i am a good person, etc." about himself to himself and other people after he would abuse me. I think instead, you should look at yourself as a man who has proven capable of physically abusing his significant other and has yet to find out if he will change. You weren't gutted by the first time that you hit her that it rocked you to the core and was a wake up call. You kept doing it!!

I highly suggest you seek professional help before thinking about dating to flip the switch

I don't believe domestic violence is very well understood for the most part because of a confusion around understanding being the same as condoning. We are much more comfortable just condemning the violence rather than facing some uncomfortable truths about ourselves.

good post, thanks

I am a good person though, I am learning and have made mistakes as we all have.

Did your mother or father ever smack you? Does this make them a bad person? Does this even make them a violent person (devil's advocate).

I am very thankful my ex never involved the law and we left somewhat amicably. I took full responsibility, including apologizing to her family after the incident. Now I am seeking regular professional help through a psychologist; I never want this to happen again. It's just terrible, it really is.

To respond to your statement..'the first time I wasnt gutted' - honestly no I wasnt. She had kicked me very hard in the face and although she made me feel like I was the bad one for hitting her in the shoulder, I was hit first and had a swollen cheek, (she had no mark).... so there was very little guilt. (I don't believe in the double standard, a kick to the face is a kick to the face; whether it be a man or women doing the kicking....its gonna hurt)

I did feel bad the second and third time; however I admit I did not fully understand the severity and honestly did not treat seriously as domestic violence; putting it down to the extreme situations and tiredness. I did not include in the OP, but I did leave the room in both instances during the arguments and she followed me both times to continue the confrontation.

At the time and because I had never been violent AT ALL with any previous partner, the fact that she was not in pain I admit I was somewhat ignorant to the serious nature of what I did. I think because it was the idea of the action that hurt her, rather than the action itself because she was not (physically) hurt.

The final time, I definitely hurt her and I felt terrible. We ended the relationship there and then and I didn't fight it. I agreed that I crossed the line and realized I need to change and unfit to be in a relationship so I am getting the help I require.

I am NOT justifying what I am doing, I am telling you my thoughts, perspectives at the time and what happened. If you treat this as justification that is you prerogative. Also note that for the most part my words are unbiased.

I know domestic violence is wrong, it goes without saying. I have learned a lot and will continue to do so; unfortunately it took losing someone I love and hoped to marry to make me realize the seriousness of what I have done. And by seriousness, I mean taking active steps to understand, change and learn new coping mechanisms for such situations. Currently I am not even on the dating scene and do not plan to be in a relationship for a good while to come- I am still working on myself, it is a process.

-On that note; I am actually scared to date after the events that transpired. Its hard for me to look forward and maybe that's why almost 7 months later I am still focusing on her by writing this post. For all I know she has a new boyfriend now and is happily moved on.

I have lost a lot of confidence and self-esteem after this (not to make it all about me; because I cannot even imagine what she has been through but can only give my own perspective) and as much as people here love to condemn me (sure I deserve it), there comes a point where you have to love yourself enough to forgive. That's why now I say I am a good person, because I know I am. The truth is if I continue to listen to others opinions that my mindset should be I am a bad person, unworthy and undeserving...then I will never leave this situation, continuing a spiral of sorrow, depression & disdain. Negativity gets you nowhere and like everything in life, good and bad, there comes a time you must bite the bullet, move forward and rebuild.

Thank you again for the response.

I don't believe domestic violence is very well understood for the most part because of a confusion around understanding being the same as condoning. We are much more comfortable just condemning the violence rather than facing some uncomfortable truths about ourselves.

I agree 100%, the truth is not always pretty and its very easy to point the finger; which I do agree is fair because domestic violence isn't something to be justified. HOWEVER, the attitude towards the issue does no favors to help educate (both abusers and victims) until its too late ~ 'dont take the cookie from the cookie jar' type mentality.

Some further food for thought; (just putting it out there; more devils advocate): If I were to punch an abusive male once in the shoulder at a pub, he has no injury and the situation is de-escalated; why is it that the majority would have very little issue with this. However, if the same actions took place from one person against their partner; there would be hell to pay. At face value the exact same thing has happened; one person has been assaulted by another; both victims are human; in fact there is no difference in outcome yet there would be a landslide of difference in opinion. what does this say about our own views and understanding?

I am a good person though, I am learning and have made mistakes as we all have.

Did your mother or father ever smack you? Does this make them a bad person? Does this even make them a violent person (devil's advocate).

I am very thankful my ex never involved the law and we left somewhat amicably. I took full responsibility, including apologizing to her family after the incident. Now I am seeking regular professional help through a psychologist; I never want this to happen again. It's just terrible, it really is.

To respond to your statement..'the first time I wasnt gutted' - honestly no I wasnt. She had kicked me very hard in the face and although she made me feel like I was the bad one for hitting her in the shoulder, I was hit first and had a swollen cheek, (she had no mark).... so there was very little guilt. (I don't believe in the double standard, a kick to the face is a kick to the face; whether it be a man or women doing the kicking....its gonna hurt)

I did feel bad the second and third time; however I admit I did not fully understand the severity and honestly did not treat seriously as domestic violence; putting it down to the extreme situations and tiredness. I did not include in the OP, but I did leave the room in both instances during the arguments and she followed me both times to continue the confrontation.

At the time and because I had never been violent AT ALL with any previous partner, the fact that she was not in pain I admit I was somewhat ignorant to the serious nature of what I did. I think because it was the idea of the action that hurt her, rather than the action itself because she was not (physically) hurt.

The final time, I definitely hurt her and I felt terrible. We ended the relationship there and then and I didn't fight it. I agreed that I crossed the line and realized I need to change and unfit to be in a relationship so I am getting the help I require.

I am NOT justifying what I am doing, I am telling you my thoughts, perspectives at the time and what happened. If you treat this as justification that is you prerogative. Also note that for the most part my words are unbiased.

I know domestic violence is wrong, it goes without saying. I have learned a lot and will continue to do so; unfortunately it took losing someone I love and hoped to marry to make me realize the seriousness of what I have done. And by seriousness, I mean taking active steps to understand, change and learn new coping mechanisms for such situations. Currently I am not even on the dating scene and do not plan to be in a relationship for a good while to come- I am still working on myself, it is a process.

-On that note; I am actually scared to date after the events that transpired. Its hard for me to look forward and maybe that's why almost 7 months later I am still focusing on her by writing this post. For all I know she has a new boyfriend now and is happily moved on.

I have lost a lot of confidence and self-esteem after this (not to make it all about me; because I cannot even imagine what she has been through but can only give my own perspective) and as much as people here love to condemn me (sure I deserve it), there comes a point where you have to love yourself enough to forgive. That's why now I say I am a good person, because I know I am. The truth is if I continue to listen to others opinions that my mindset should be I am a bad person, unworthy and undeserving...then I will never leave this situation, continuing a spiral of sorrow, depression & disdain. Negativity gets you nowhere and like everything in life, good and bad, there comes a time you must bite the bullet, move forward and rebuild.

Thank you again for the response.

Who goes around telling people they are a "good person!" In my experience it has always been the most harmful people in my life, who have told me they are a "good person." Are you trying to convince us, or yourself?

I did not include in the OP, but I did leave the room in both instances during the arguments and she followed me both times to continue the confrontation.

Then if someone follows you, you immediately stop arguing with them on your end OR you leave the house. You calmly say "i am not arguing with you" and get quiet, not louder. Stop engaging. or "you can yell, but as long as you do, I am not talking to you". Or put a barrier between you, like go into the bathroom. You are being the classic abuser if you say "i didn't want to hit her, but she followed me....so i did" basically. You can't control what other people do. You can only control yourself.

A member of my ex's family physically abused me in front of my ex. In this instance, my ex was yelling at me and cornering me as well.

Later he told me "i am sorry i got mad, but i wouldn't have gotten mad and cornered you and allowed them to grab and throw you if you would have just shut your mouth!"

I wasn't yelling or screaming, i was being grilled with questions - I answered the questions with tears in my eyes because I was scared.

however I admit I did not fully understand the severity and honestly did not treat seriously as domestic violence; p

Did your grandfather ever tell you when you were eight years old "NEVER HIT A GIRL? I don't care if she frustrated you, or is playing with your toy or tickles you or pinches you YOU DON"T HIT HER."

I find it outrageous that you ever thought hitting her was okay.

Also, as far as her kicking you - you were wrestling with her in what i assume was a sexual situation - could it be that she told you to stop and you didn't and she feared you would rape her? Just wondering since you don't seem to have good boundaries about physical contact.

And if she did kick you off and she had been giggling and seemed to be enjoying it -- then why would you not leave her instead of deciding that for that, she deserved to be repeated physically abused??

I mean, who the heck raised you?

Who goes around telling people they are a "good person!" In my experience it has always been the most harmful people in my life, who have told me they are a "good person." Are you trying to convince us, or yourself?

YUP!! My ex did the same thing. He told the cops that he "was a very good man", was a pillar of the community and told him what children's charities he volunteered for as well. He had no clue. His family kept saying i was mentally ill because i acted like an abused woman - that he needed to get rid of me because there would be women lined up to have a chance with him.

I agree 100%, the truth is not always pretty and its very easy to point the finger; which I do agree is fair because domestic violence isn't something to be justified. HOWEVER, the attitude towards the issue does no favors to help educate (both abusers and victims) until its too late ~ 'dont take the cookie from the cookie jar' type mentality.

Some further food for thought; (just putting it out there; more devils advocate): If I were to punch an abusive male once in the shoulder at a pub, he has no injury and the situation is de-escalated; why is it that the majority would have very little issue with this. However, if the same actions took place from one person against their partner; there would be hell to pay. At face value the exact same thing has happened; one person has been assaulted by another; both victims are human; in fact there is no difference in outcome yet there would be a landslide of difference in opinion. what does this say about our own views and understanding?

Oh gosh you really don't get it. You don't hit ANYONE.

If you were at a bar and hit anyone, you would be arrested or asked to leave, or you would be separated from the other person depending on a number of factors

if a stranger came up and started hitting you - defending yourself against a STRANGER by BLOCKING THEIR PUNCHES and attempting to creates space between you is a different thing entirely than victimizing your loved one!

If ANYONE hits you, you block their punch if you can and you put space between you. It isn't "well, she slugged me this one time, so I have free reign to hit her whenever i want to"

There is no scenario that you can compare that will justify domestic violence

Hi, I really appreciate your post. We need to hear from people who perpetuate violence and create safe spaces for these discussions.

I was raised by a mother who had Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). BPDs can be decidedly cruel, evasive and manipulative, relentlessly emotionally abusive. Every interaction with them is a measured response of self-preservation, protective survivability. There were several times as a kid, a teenager and as a young adult when I would scream at the top of my lungs begging my mother to stop, to let me be, to stop saying cruel and damaging things to me. My pain only gave her more energy, and she would double down on me until I collapsed on the floor banging my fists on the ground begging her to stop. I didn’t have the option to leave when I was a kid, and as an adult I kept coming back out of love and devotion to my parent. But, I never, ever hit her. Not once, even though I felt such rage toward her for hurting me deliberately. I would run away from her and slam the door to my room. If she hit me, I would cover my face or dodge the blow. I eventually learned that I could not control my mothers behavior, but I could remove myself from a situation with her before it became damaging to me.

My point is that yes, there are people out there who will deliberately provoke, incite, arouse, manipulate, set-you-up, push-your-buttons...they will sink to any level of low. They will damage and destroy your property, they will withhold information from you, they will assert power over you, they will lie to make themselves look good at your expense, they will humiliate, belittle, devalue, insult, degrade you in public or in front of family and friends. But none of this is ever reason to hit them. Ever. No matter how awful they are. Your options include removing yourself from the situation, withdrawing if you cannot leave, creating boundaries, and then ending the relationship if you must.

IMO - You need to seriously think about how you manage stressful situations and be away from this girl for your own good.

 

1st Event - She assaulted you violently - you replied with violence = Crime on her part. I don't even blame you for hitting her back. As unpopular and wrong as this sounds, if a woman hits me, she better expect to get hit back.

 

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If you reread this event, he states he was 'wrestling w her obnoxiously. She wasn't hurt but irritated'

I wasn't there but it I can imagine she protested and when you wouldnt stop she push you off by kicking you. In turn you hit her.

IMO you started this and she defended herself. Then you retaliated.

Agree with Rosephase: "You've allowed yourself to cross a very clear line repeatedly. That doesn't mean you will always respond that way. But it does mean you have to actively work to express that response in a non-abusive way. You've created or continued a pattern of physical violence as a means of handling being emotionally overwhelmed and as a threat to get your way. You need to own your pattern to start dismantling it."

putting aside the first incident where she hit you first and it was almost self-defense -I agree with this. You know your triggers so you have to behave in a preventative and proactive way - when you might be going into a stressful situation which might trigger your stress/anger response you have to prepare - for me, I prepare with self-talk, mantras, breathing, and actions that decrease the risk of increased stress- whether that's getting everything ready so that I won't be in as much of a rush, etc. And in the moment, having your reactions ready that you've prepared for -it might be walking away, it might be literally not speaking/creating physical distance without walking away, it might mean literal sign language -putting your hand up in a non-threatening, calm "stop sign" way so your partner knows your frustration level is rising, etc. I apply all of these and more with my young child who often pushes my buttons and we are often in a rush to get to school, etc and I get stressed.

I do not ever physically discipline and by instituting these changes the yelling/voice raising has declined tremendously. And no my words were not abusive but loud can be overwhelming for a young child (and for certain adults I am sure!). And I use less words and words that are focused on resolving the issue and moving on in a reasonable, not out of control, way. That way for those isolated times where you raise your voice or yell because of a literal shock/fear response it is that isolated and a blip on the radar of an otherwise relatively calm interaction.

But you must do the work and the work doesn't stop because life and stress don't stop. It gets easier -you know yourself more, you know your triggers, you can plan better and soon it just becomes the new normal -the not taking your stress/frustration out on someone else. Good luck.

(And yes people make mistakes -do not indulge in that path if you're using it as an excuse not to do the work, ever - cut yourself slack if you've been doing your absolute best and you slip because you say something you wish you hadn't or you raised your voice - never ever because you hit someone or screamed at them in an abusive way )

I see several justifications on his post. The OP needs to seek counselor and take anger management classes. He is no where near ready for a relationship.

In addition, self-defense is different than retaliating in anger. If I ever were to hit someone it would be because my life is being threatened and there is no other option. Another reason would be if several people and I were on a building and someone was about to blow up the building.

I would suggest you to review what you just wrote.

I have learned a lot and will continue to do so; unfortunately it took losing someone I love and hoped to marry to make me realize the seriousness of what I have done. And by seriousness, I mean taking active steps to understand, change and learn new coping mechanisms for such situations. Currently I am not even on the dating scene and do not plan to be in a relationship for a good while to come- I am still working on myself, it is a process.

-That's why now I say I am a good person, because I know I am. The truth is if I continue to listen to others opinions that my mindset should be I am a bad person, unworthy and undeserving...then I will never leave this situation, continuing a spiral of sorrow, depression & disdain. Negativity gets you nowhere and like everything in life, good and bad, there comes a time you must bite the bullet, move forward and rebuild.

Thank you again for the response.