The future seems unclear

So my boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years. We've had our conflicts, as every relationship does, but the main one for the past year and a half roughly has been that he decided he wasn't sure about whether or not he wanted marriage. He's told me repeatedly that it isn't a future with me that he's unsure about, but just that for some reason (and he supposedly doesn't even know why) the idea of marriage freaks him out. Marriage is very important to me, and he knows that, I've never made that any secret. That's been my end goal for a long time now, and I can't be with someone who doesn't also want that future. He says now that he does want to marry me but that he just doesn't know when. He says that he keeps waiting for us to stop having these huge fights so that he feels like we actually are stable enough for a bigger commitment. But the thing is, we keep having these fights because of the fact that he wouldn't ever commit to the idea of marriage. So that seems like really circular reasoning to me. A lot of my friends think that he's just giving me really vague answers to keep me hanging on. I don't want to believe that, but he sure doesn't seem very enthusiastic about marrying me. In fact, whenever I bring it up he just gets really frustrated and tells me I need to stop focusing so much on the future and focus on the here and now. So I don't know what to do. I obviously love him and don't want to give up, but I also feel like at this point I really do deserve some straight forward answers. But no matter what I do, I can't seem to get him to give that to me. So I just feel stuck.

I think you need to pay attention to what he IS telling you and that is that he is unhappy with the current state of your relationship and that is giving him serious doubts about marrying you or seeing you as a life partner. You are correct in a way that he is dragging his feet, but he is actually telling you why and I think you ought to pay attention. This really comes down to compromise and conflict resolution skills within the relationship and currently you guys are lacking in this department and it's leaving him cold.

Preserve your sanity, back off. Give him breathing room. Fix your relationship and return back to happy and balanced. Give yourself and him a realistic timeline, as in this is how much longer you will wait for him to figure out if he wants marriage or not and if he still doesn't have an answer by then, then you are calling it quits. You aren't calling it quits to punish him or give him ultimatums, you are calling it quits because your life goals and his are fundamentally incompatible. Make sure that you communicate all that to him clearly and calmly and then drop the subject and simply stick with your words and your deadline.

Nothing against people that choose to get married, or those that are, but marriage is usually a pretty bad deal for guys. I was married before, and am not against the idea of marrying again, but I certainly do not consider it ideal.

Being legally bound to someone that regardless of their behavior in the future you can't just simply "walk away" from. The whole financial aspect of it, the financial costs of a divorce - I know you don't get married planning on a divorce, but it is a likely outcome... I understand why many guys would not want that or be freaked out by it, even though they love the woman with all their heart.

Give the guy time, and do what he says, focus on the now, work on the relationship and communication. If you are fighting now, being married won't fix it.

He says that he keeps waiting for us to stop having these huge fights so that he feels like we actually are stable enough for a bigger commitment. But the thing is, we keep having these fights because of the fact that he wouldn't ever commit to the idea of marriage.

You can't do anything about him, or his responses, but you can do something about your own. I'm guessing that it's you that starts the fights because of his lack of commitment...? Yes, it is circular reasoning... but it's you who holds the key to stopping the fights in the first place. This may not be the case, of course, but if HE starts the fights by attacking your need for commitment then he really is someone you shouldn't be with in the first place.

For what it's worth, I wouldn't get married to someone with whom I kept having big fights either. And getting angry with someone is NOT a way to get them to commit to you; it's bullying at best, and completely counter-productive.

To quote Atitagain:

Give the guy time, and do what he says, focus on the now, work on the relationship and communication. If you are fighting now, being married won't fix it.

You said marriage has been an issue with him for he past year and a half. Was it an issue with him before that? Also do you just want to get married in general or do you really want to marry him? You should figure out ways to fix having these fights before you ever consider marriage.

some good advice here.... sounds to me like he is telling you both what you want to hear (that he will at some point marry you) and how he feels... However, that you're still fighting about it. why is that? what is not right?

Actions are louder than words, we all know that. right? what are your actions? whats your role in all this? is it his fault if you wait around and he doesn't marry you? Are you even enjoying your time with him? think about what you want and what your doing. when you figure that out you'll know what to do.

I don't believe marriage just a piece of paper. You must have the joys, trust and communication needed to help each other get through life.... and no piece of paper guarantees happiness. arguing with someone and using marriage as an end goal to prove love is not the way to happiness.

why are you doing this to yourself?

Stop talking about this. He's 30 used to the bachelor life, his own place, freedom and spending what he wants when he wants. You are 25 and just got your own place. When you pull back and get more of your own life, friends, money, freedom, etc. and spend less time with him and especially nagging , he will take notice. However it doesn't sound like he wants to marry if he just wanted to live together all along and only suggested that.

Right now you are in a vicious circle and you are pushing and he is resisting.

Believe him:

He's told me the idea of marriage freaks him out.