Have I wasted 9 years?

I have been with my husband for 9 years now. I am so torn. Throughout the years I have found him researching 'is it gay to suck your own johnson'. I have found a profile he had (dating one) that he had checked looking for MEN & women . He likes pegging. also I have found him looking at rape porn. These are all red flags to me, I may be over reacting, I'm not sure but I feel that he is attracted to men(my gut feeling says he has cheated on me with a guy(s)). It sickens me. He will never admit to any of it it he did. Part of me wants to up and leave because I feel like this marriage is nothing to him especially since he lies to me. The other part loves him so much. Please please help me!

I have been with my husband for 9 years now. I am so torn. Throughout the years I have found him researching 'is it gay to suck your own johnson'. I have found a profile he had (dating one) that he had checked looking for MEN & women . He likes pegging. also I have found him looking at rape porn. These are all red flags to me, I may be over reacting, I'm not sure but I feel that he is attracted to men(my gut feeling says he has cheated on me with a guy(s)). It sickens me. He will never admit to any of it it he did. Part of me wants to up and leave because I feel like this marriage is nothing to him especially since he lies to me. The other part loves him so much. Please please help me!

First and foremost, have a hot drink, take a step back, and breathe. We have all seen things we don't want to see, heard things we don't want to hear, and misunderstood a whole host of situations. I have a very close friend who I have known for 7 years. He is in a committed, monogamous, loving relationship with a girl who is his absolute world. He is the kindest most caring person anyone could meet and he would do anything for his partner. He also loves being pegged. He enjoys being "dominated" in the bedroom. He enjoys watching gay (MM) porn. And to be honest I know a fair few guys that have questioned the whole "is is considered gay to suck your own" situation - I think that's more societal curiosity rather than "oh my god I think I'm gay".

There are also a few underlying issues in your post. You say "I have found...." do you mean you have walked in on him looking at these things, or do you mean you have taken a peek and broken a few privacy boundaries? Not judging. I've been there. I'm just fully aware that it's a very unhealthy situation to be in and there are much better ways of handling things.

Another thing is the dating website. Was this set up a long time ago before you two met? In which case, I feel it has no bearing on your current situation. Was it set up during your marriage? In which case this is NEVER ok. Men/Women/Both.... That should not be the key factor. The important point is that he is married to YOU and has set up a dating profile. You need to discuss this with him openly if this is the case.

The rape porn is somewhat worrying although alot of that MAY come down to the idea of being dominated in the bedroom. It's hard to explain, but I do have this one good friend that he searches for the same sort of thing not for the fact that it's "rape" but more for the fact that it's staged and therefore is the same effect as being dominated.

Ok let's take a look at this from the other perspective. Let's say maybe he is bisexual or bicurious? Would this be a dealbreaker for you? I am not talking about a situation in which he might have cheated on you - again, this is NEVER ok. But would it be a dealbreaker for you to discover that maybe he has a past with men (before he met you) or maybe he is exploring his sexuality online through porn etc? This is something only you can answer - but before youo jump to conclusions take a look at The Kinsey Scale. The theory is that almost everyone has some "gay" tendencies, this does not necessarily mean he is bisexual or even has any gay tendencies at all, but it is worth taking a look at to get a better understanding.

Really, all I can suggest is TALKING to your husband. Communication (or lack of) is one of the biggest marriage killers. You are jumping to all sorts of conclusions, possibly snooping around, and even assuming he has cheated based on a few random facts? Please please just talk to him. Decide what you actually WANT to know - I have always been told "Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to". This is open to personal interpretations so take from that whatever you want but it is useful to remember. Don't come out with a load of accusations. Be calm, tell him your concerns, and ASK him what he is thinking/feeling. People are much more receptive to open questions than they are to angry accusations.

I hope all works out for you. Best of luck.