Maybe don't leave getting closure too long

Hey all.

So after getting back in touch a while back with an ex who decided they didn't want a relationship we started being friendly with the odd confusing message about how we felt.

I realised that this was also holding me back from moving on as I had a big 'what if' in the back of my mind. But to be honest not dealing with the 'what if' was just as bad.

I eventually managed to push my ex into saying how he felt about a second chance and I ultimately got the brutal he doesn't think we are souls mates, he doesn't want to see me romantically and doesn't think there would be a spark. All this is actually fine. I just wish he'd said this earlier.

The break up led me to feel very sorry for him as he seemed very conflicted and seemed like he hadn't thought things through. His actions and words were also confusing. I wish I had pushed for this sooner as I didn't actually 100% believe him when he messaged it as I let him lead me on a little too long. Trust in what he says and what he wants isn't fully there.

Realising how he (I genuinely don't think the issue is me now) makes me feel better about myself as I feel like I am back to my laid back normal self. I think tough love is fine. I'd love to do the whole friends thing but it is apparent that it probably won't work for me but I'm glad I've not got 'what ifs' now.

I do feel a lot better now though and tell myself what he said to me when I think back to the good memories. I gave him the chance I wanted to give him and he didn't want it and it feels pretty closed off now which means I can move on (and know that I am open to a new relationship). Just got to deal with my own pickiness and insecurities now.

So his words finally caught up with his actions?

Because that's all he did. That isn't closure. The moment he breaks up with you he's saying exactly this "we're not soulmates, I don't think of you romantically and the spark is gone." among many other things. Why would you need this "closure" laid out in words exactly? Actions speak louder than words. This is especially true in breakups and relationships in general.

The only closure anyone needs is that they want to break up. The why might be important in order to understand what went wrong, but believe me when I tell you this, he didn't tell you the whole truth. They never do, because of guilt.

I'm glad you finally feel you can move on, but frankly, you should've moved on a long time ago. He didn't say anything you didn't already know, you just refused to accept reality. As for the real reason why, you'll never know, but the most important one is that he lost feelings. There's nothing else you need to know to move on. All the rest is white noise.

So his words finally caught up with his actions?

 

Because that's all he did. That isn't closure. The moment he breaks up with you he's saying exactly this "we're not soulmates, I don't think of you romantically and the spark is gone." among many other things. Why would you need this "closure" laid out in words exactly? Actions speak louder than words. This is especially true in breakups and relationships in general.

 

The only closure anyone needs is that they want to break up. The why might be important in order to understand what went wrong, but believe me when I tell you this, he didn't tell you the whole truth. They never do, because of guilt.

 

I'm glad you finally feel you can move on, but frankly, you should've moved on a long time ago. He didn't say anything you didn't already know, you just refused to accept reality. As for the real reason why, you'll never know, but the most important one is that he lost feelings. There's nothing else you need to know to move on. All the rest is white noise.

I agree with you to an extent. In fact at first I totally got what you said when we broke up. Maybe you are right but I think it's more complicated than yes/no unless you believe in soul mates which I think is a lazy idea now. If the shoe ever ends up on the other foot I hope I kind be honest but kind. I think it's hard to fully accept when someone keeps their options open, as they've not fully committed to breaking up either.

We all live and learn at our own speed. Just not good wasting too much time.