Emotional neglect by husband?

Hi all

I feel emotionally neglected by my husband and I'm not sure whether there's anything I can do to get through to him or has he checked out of the relationship already?

A bit of a background: we've known each other for over 10 years, we split up for a period of time then got back together roughly 4 years ago and got married. I think I only have myself to blame as my husband has never been an affectionate person but things are getting worse I think.

My husband is (by his own admission) completely disconnected from his emotions. The only emotion he feels is anger and frustration. He considers emotions a weakness and says life is easier without them.

I know this sounds like he's a horrible person but he really isn't. He's helpful and good at problem solving. He never refuses to help me and is good at offering practical solutions to any difficulties I find myself in. However, he doesn't talk about feelings and doesn't tell me he loves me although when the topic came up some time ago he said 'you should know I do'. And well, recently I'm not sure.

He seems incapable of offering emotional support. One example (it's pretty much the same scenario every time this comes up): Tonight we were getting ready to settle in front of TV with some cheese and crackers and I was having a rant about work. I love my job but recently my boss has been doing my head in and I needed to let the steam off, so I described a couple of situations to my hubby. My hubby waited until I finished and then, without a word of acknowledgement proceeded to lecture me about a piece of elastic on the kitchen sink and how I fasten it wrong (our cats move the taps when they sit in the kitchen window so we keep the taps secure with elastic when we're not in). Not a word of acknowledgement of my professional predicament. I was ready to say something more but contained myself (or so I though) and only said it wasn't very nice and that I didn't want to listen to stuff about the elastic ever again as I wasn't doing it wrong. And it seems to have set him off. He told me I was horrible, told me to f**k off and that he didn't want to watch stuff anymore. Then he ran upstairs as if he was a teenager not a man in his forties!

After a while I went upstairs to talk to him and he told me I had set him off and I had beenj horrible to him. I said that lecturing me about a piece of elastic when I needed some emotional support was not the best timed idea and it made me feel bad. Unfortunately, I ended up apologising. He did not apologise for anything, he never does. Well, worse than that, he's been sulking all night. When I tried to tell him how I feel when he's so cold, he dismissed it as nagging and told me he didn't understand me. He also accused me of wanting to argue even though he was the one who raised his voice and stormed off.

Frankly, this is just an example of how every single argument looks like. I fear my hubby is also passive aggressive, he forces me to make all decisions ('you decide, I'm fine with whatever') only to complain about it later. When I say that why doesn't he make a decision as I'm fine with whatever he can get angry. One time, not long ago, we ended up skipping a meal as he couldn't decide where to go and kept asking me (I kept saying I was fine with whatever...).

I know if you got this far you probably think either I'm being extremely one-sided or I'm married to a monster. This couldn't be further from the truth. Ok, he is liked by people, he's polite and helpful (I already said that, I know). But he seems unemotional - he doesn't offer physical affection and he is not at all 'romantic'. I'm not into it that much either but the lack of physical affection gets to me sometimes. Also, our sex life wouldn't exist if I didn't initiate it.

He knows I find this stuff frustrating and it makes me feel bad but nothing has changed.

I've started suspecting there's a lot of anger in my husband that gets out through outbursts and stonewalling. I'm just not sure how to proceed and be 'beyond it' as it gets to me on an emotional level. There seems to be a pattern: things seem to build up but he denies something is wrong until he explodes, then there is a honeymoon period when he's nice and maybe even a bit affectionate, then tensions start to grow, then things seem to build up... Etc..

P.S. His health and hormones are fine, we both work full time (he earns more) and we don't have kids (neither of us wants them).

Thanks so much for reading!

Have you considered the possibility that your husband may have a form of Aspberger's? I'm not a therapist, but to me, there are signs. Because he may just not have the ability to process emotions, he focuses on tasks (i.e. the elastic in the kitchen), which frustrates you, and you express your frustration, which remember, is an emotion, and that angers him, because remember, he may not be able to fully process emotions. Chicken-egg-chicken, if you will.

Hmm... It makes sense, thanks for your response. He went to one or two counseling sessions before we split up years ago and he told me the therapist said there wasn't anything they could do re his (in)ability to feel/recognise emotions. Maybe this is why, after all Asperger's is not something that can be medicated, it's more of a personality type if I'm right. You're right re him being task focused, he's great at problem solving and also likes when I tell him what I need ('can I have a hug', 'can you hoover and empty the dishwasher, please' etc, sounds lame but works for us). He's just told me he'd prefer me to tell him what I want in situations like that, for example 'now, tell me my boss is being unreasonable' etc. I think you may be on to something here. He's a good person, I know he'd never hurt me on purpose.

It is actually a MYTH that people with Aspergers's don't feel or not connected with emotions. Absolutely they do. My son has Aspergers and absolutely has a full range of emotions .

Was he raised in an abusive household?

He sounds manipulative, disrespectful and emotionally abuse. The F off thing would have made me hit the door.

He will not change and you know this. Either you accept it, or split up. Stop making excuses for him. What he did was unacceptable.

OP, do you want to go through a roommate type situation - one that blows up and is emotionally void. Or, do you want passion in your life? Don't you want more from a life partner?

Seraphim: Yes, he was raised in an abusive household with a physically violent alcoholic father (he left when my hubby was about 5) and a manipulative, cold, possibly sociopathic mother. He himself doesn't have a substance abuse problem and has never had one.

Hollyj: I'm aware of the fact that this sort of behaviour is not acceptable. However, even though it sounds strange, it doesn't seem to have a long-term impact on me (I may be wrong). I don't derive my self-esteem from my husband if that makes sense (although yes, it would be nice to be shown more appreciation, I'm not denying that). The red line for me is physical violence or regular emotional abuse and neither has happened. If anything, his childish behaviour makes me laugh (I don't though) but I also feel sorry for my hubby as I can see his conflict coping and communication skills aren't great and he seems stuck in a loop of self-inflicted negativity and anger.

If he has no desire to change then nothing will happen.

If you are fine with his behavior and the potential to get worse then no worries.

He sounds about as good at expressing himself as I did at 15. The fact that he is in his 40s doesn't bode well for change to happen. I had a huge anger problem then but I did find a much better way to deal with it. If he would work on it then it really could get better.

The only weakness with emotions he has is his lack of ability to express them controlled. I don't see how someone thinks uncontrollable outbursts of anger and frustration are more controlled then a civil discussion. Not being able to control his emotions is his weakness.

There is not such a thing as life without emotions.

Hi all

 

I feel emotionally neglected by my husband and I'm not sure whether there's anything I can do to get through to him or has he checked out of the relationship already?

 

A bit of a background: we've known each other for over 10 years, we split up for a period of time then got back together roughly 4 years ago and got married. I think I only have myself to blame as my husband has never been an affectionate person but things are getting worse I think.

 

My husband is (by his own admission) completely disconnected from his emotions. The only emotion he feels is anger and frustration. He considers emotions a weakness and says life is easier without them.

 

I know this sounds like he's a horrible person but he really isn't. He's helpful and good at problem solving. He never refuses to help me and is good at offering practical solutions to any difficulties I find myself in. However, he doesn't talk about feelings and doesn't tell me he loves me although when the topic came up some time ago he said 'you should know I do'. And well, recently I'm not sure.

 

He seems incapable of offering emotional support. One example (it's pretty much the same scenario every time this comes up): Tonight we were getting ready to settle in front of TV with some cheese and crackers and I was having a rant about work. I love my job but recently my boss has been doing my head in and I needed to let the steam off, so I described a couple of situations to my hubby. My hubby waited until I finished and then, without a word of acknowledgement proceeded to lecture me about a piece of elastic on the kitchen sink and how I fasten it wrong (our cats move the taps when they sit in the kitchen window so we keep the taps secure with elastic when we're not in). Not a word of acknowledgement of my professional predicament. I was ready to say something more but contained myself (or so I though) and only said it wasn't very nice and that I didn't want to listen to stuff about the elastic ever again as I wasn't doing it wrong. And it seems to have set him off. He told me I was horrible, told me to f**k off and that he didn't want to watch stuff anymore. Then he ran upstairs as if he was a teenager not a man in his forties!

 

After a while I went upstairs to talk to him and he told me I had set him off and I had beenj horrible to him. I said that lecturing me about a piece of elastic when I needed some emotional support was not the best timed idea and it made me feel bad. Unfortunately, I ended up apologising. He did not apologise for anything, he never does. Well, worse than that, he's been sulking all night. When I tried to tell him how I feel when he's so cold, he dismissed it as nagging and told me he didn't understand me. He also accused me of wanting to argue even though he was the one who raised his voice and stormed off.

 

Frankly, this is just an example of how every single argument looks like. I fear my hubby is also passive aggressive, he forces me to make all decisions ('you decide, I'm fine with whatever') only to complain about it later. When I say that why doesn't he make a decision as I'm fine with whatever he can get angry. One time, not long ago, we ended up skipping a meal as he couldn't decide where to go and kept asking me (I kept saying I was fine with whatever...).

 

I know if you got this far you probably think either I'm being extremely one-sided or I'm married to a monster. This couldn't be further from the truth. Ok, he is liked by people, he's polite and helpful (I already said that, I know). But he seems unemotional - he doesn't offer physical affection and he is not at all 'romantic'. I'm not into it that much either but the lack of physical affection gets to me sometimes. Also, our sex life wouldn't exist if I didn't initiate it.

 

He knows I find this stuff frustrating and it makes me feel bad but nothing has changed.

 

I've started suspecting there's a lot of anger in my husband that gets out through outbursts and stonewalling. I'm just not sure how to proceed and be 'beyond it' as it gets to me on an emotional level. There seems to be a pattern: things seem to build up but he denies something is wrong until he explodes, then there is a honeymoon period when he's nice and maybe even a bit affectionate, then tensions start to grow, then things seem to build up... Etc..

 

P.S. His health and hormones are fine, we both work full time (he earns more) and we don't have kids (neither of us wants them).

 

Thanks so much for reading!

It didn't get terrible until we had children, but our arguments went exactly how you just described. He wasn't always bad, in fact, a lot of the times he was nice, helpful, loving and we enjoyed a lot of intimate moments.

Yet, whenever I brought up my own emotional needs, he said feelings are for weaklings. If we tried to talk, he refused. Either by ignoring me, or just beating around the bush and inisiting we were completely fine.

For example, a couple of weeks ago, our 2 toddlers were causing a ruckus. As I struggled to get them both ready for bed, he pointed out that I was doing it wrong, that our 2 year old didn't need to go to bed and I always put him to bed too early. When I told him I didn't need his criticism and asked him to help me the kids, he got angry and accused me of bossing him around and stormed off sulking calling me a B****.

When I tried to talk later on about the situation, he blamed the entire thing on me and said I always set him off and if I just stopped trying to talk, we would be fine.

The criticism, the accusations, the blame, all are part of manipulation and directed emotional abuse.

You can either live and accept that he is that way, or you can try to put a stop it and/or leave.

I recommend the book 'the emotionally abusive relationship' by Beverly Engel. I have just begun to read and there is a lot of great information in there about the types of abuse, ways to stop the abuse or how to leave safely. Including some journaling work to discover why you accept this type of behaviour and to change it.

I spent a long time thinking that it was normal and that I was somehow insinuating the behaviour my partner was showing. I went to therapy for years, only for my feelings to be validated and shown that his behaviour was very very wrong.

It has only been 3 days since we haven't spoke and I'm so much happier. Although, it was quite the journey to get here.

Good luck and feel free to private message me

Seraphim: Yes, he was raised in an abusive household with a physically violent alcoholic father (he left when my hubby was about 5) and a manipulative, cold, possibly sociopathic mother. He himself doesn't have a substance abuse problem and has never had one.

 

Hollyj: I'm aware of the fact that this sort of behaviour is not acceptable. However, even though it sounds strange, it doesn't seem to have a long-term impact on me (I may be wrong). I don't derive my self-esteem from my husband if that makes sense (although yes, it would be nice to be shown more appreciation, I'm not denying that). The red line for me is physical violence or regular emotional abuse and neither has happened. If anything, his childish behaviour makes me laugh (I don't though) but I also feel sorry for my hubby as I can see his conflict coping and communication skills aren't great and he seems stuck in a loop of self-inflicted negativity and anger.

Then that is the reason for his cold and harsh nature. This won't change unless he has lots of therapy .

Then that is the reason for his cold and harsh nature. This won't change unless he has lots of therapy .

With that kind of childhood, it's no wonder he's abusive, cold, and distant with you. And no, this won't change without tons of therapy, and even then.....

This is just abuse. Plain & simple. Are you in therapy? You need to explore why you've put up with this for so long. That's not meant to be a harsh statement, as many of us put up with terrible treatment, like a co-dependency. I'm speaking from my own heart, as I've been there. Therapy can really help you sort out just why you're doing it, so you can figure out your next move, which, unfortunately, may be to end this marriage.

Seraphim: Yes, he was raised in an abusive household with a physically violent alcoholic father (he left when my hubby was about 5) and a manipulative, cold, possibly sociopathic mother. He himself doesn't have a substance abuse problem and has never had one.

 

Hollyj: I'm aware of the fact that this sort of behaviour is not acceptable. However, even though it sounds strange, it doesn't seem to have a long-term impact on me (I may be wrong). I don't derive my self-esteem from my husband if that makes sense (although yes, it would be nice to be shown more appreciation, I'm not denying that). The red line for me is physical violence or regular emotional abuse and neither has happened. If anything, his childish behaviour makes me laugh (I don't though) but I also feel sorry for my hubby as I can see his conflict coping and communication skills aren't great and he seems stuck in a loop of self-inflicted negativity and anger.

I think it is very sad that you are satisfied with an emotionless, loveless, sexless relationship. Did you also come from an abusive home? That would be the only reason why I would think you would expect so little from a partner.

You are in an emotionally abusive relationship! Period!

Hello, your husband sounds just like my boyfriend.. totally and utterly unavailable emotionally. When I cry, he mocks me. When I sincerely ask if he’s ok, he mocks me. I have bipolar disorder and he doesn’t even care. It sounds like both of our men have checked out of our relationships. Someone can claim that they love us, but where is the action? We need nurturing sometimes, and our partners are the ones we should be relying on for it. Not in our cases! Would you be able to leave him and start a new life? There are lots of people out there who ARE nurturing emotionally. I have never experienced this type of treatment before. We both need to get strong and change our lives!!