looking for advice

To start, I'm from Canada and am 20 years younger than my husband who is English. I also have type I diabetes. We have been together for 8 years, and married for over 5. I love him more than anything in the world, but things have happened recently that have made me doubt everything.

We went on a 10 day holiday with my parents in Canada, driving down to the West Coast and seeing whales, and fish and bears. We had been planning it for a very long time and were very excited. My husband has met and has travelled with my parents before, but he's not the most comfortable person with them. They love him very much and they were excited for the holiday too.

After 3 days of the holiday, my husband had a meltdown. He has some anger and social issues, and took a comment my dad made the wrong way and completely flipped. He tore off his ring, told me our marriage was over, told me he never wanted to see me again, that he hates my family and that was that. I left crying and had a word with my parents. My mom went to talk with him and after 30 minutes she asked me to come back. He apologised, said that maybe he had a few issues to deal with, that he was just over tired from the jet lag (which I'm sure he was) and the he did love me more than ever. I accepted his apologies, as did my parents, and we carried on. I could feel that my husband was still a little tense about everything, but I did my best to talk to him and keep him happy. We did lots of stuff together, but this did mean that we had to go on long car journeys together (3-5 hours at a time) We were having a great time until 8 days in. The same thing happened again. He took comments my dad made to mean something completely different than what was intended and flipped even worse than the last time. He called my dad everything under the sun, threatened to hit him (mind you, my dad is a very gentle person who wouldn't even know how to fight) and the rest of my family had to walk out. I tried to talk to my husband and calm him down but he wouldn't have any of it, so I told him I was going to go talk with the rest of my family.

We tried to figure out what to do, because we still had 2 days together and needed to travel quite a long ways to get to the airport. After a lot of talking we finally decided that my husband and I would get a bus the next day to the town where the airport was, spend the rest of the holiday on our own (because my husband was enjoying that) and get home before we knew it.

The next day we went to the bus station, got tickets, wandered around for a few hours while we waited, and then got on the late night bus to the city. It took 6 hours. When we got there I had booked a hotel online that had pretty decent reviews and we checked in. The hotel was perfectly decent, but even though it was non smoking you could tell that there had been smoking in the past and it did still kind of smell. We stayed though and were looking forward to a nice day together the next day before we flew out.

The next morning I had a low blood glucose. My husband gave me glucose but I wasn't coming round quick enough and he went ballistic. He started yelling and screaming all the same stuff that he had before. He said he didn't want to be in the relationship, he hated my family and my home country. He never wanted to see me again. He even threatened to kill my cat. I got in touch with my mom and asked her to come get me as soon as possible, and my husband got a taxi to the airport nearly 24 hours early.

My mom and dad picked me up and I spent the rest of the day trying to figure out what I was going to do. I talked to my mother in law and my daughter in law who were both very supportive, but I didn't want to give them too many details because they are his family. Later in the evening, about 11 hours later, my husband texted me that he was ok. We had a bit of a conversation and he said that if I came home that that would be ok.

So I got on the plane the next day. We had separate seats for the first 2 flights and talked in the airports in between. He explained that he was very sorry and I explained that I understood where the anger was coming from but that we needed to have a very serious talk. He agreed to that.

Once we finally got home and I reminded him about having a chat he got a bit riled up again. He said that the way he acted was due only to the exceptional circumstances and that he has never done any of the stuff he did over here. When I mentioned that he had (because he has, just not to me) he tried to brush it off. I mentioned that it would be a good idea to seek therapy of some kind and he agreed. I wanted to tell him about all the people in the world who get put in hard awkward situations but don't have complete rages as a result, but I didn't think that would be a good idea. He was very nice the rest of the day, but when I mentioned to him again about seeking help he got angry again. I told him we'd sleep on it and talk again the next day which was today.

We woke up quite late because we were so jet lagged. We went to get groceries and played some games together. He moaned that I had a face on me all day, and I apologised and tried to get uplifted. We were fine. But he was trying to make me do something tomorrow that I refused and now he's gone angry again. He's ranting to his mother about all the horrible things about the holiday and when I try to approach him he shuts me down.

I need some advice because I'm totally stuck. I love him so much, but I don't think I can stay with him if he's not going to get help. He has some pretty serious mental health problems and I just want him to be well. I don't want to leave him, but I'm worried that we can't recover from this.

I'm so scared.

You don't want to leave him but you know you have to. He threatened to kill your cat. He's having meltdowns like a toddler. Has he never done this before? You've been together for 8 years? Is this completely out of left field for you? Has he changed medications or had a brain injury? Because that is some crazy abusive jerk behavior.

You don't want to leave him but you know you have to. He threatened to kill your cat. He's having meltdowns like a toddler. Has he never done this before? You've been together for 8 years? Is this completely out of left field for you? Has he changed medications or had a brain injury? Because that is some crazy abusive jerk behavior.

I've known for a long time that he has anger issues and a few other problems as well, but this is the first time that his hatred has been directed at me, and this was the worst I've ever seen him. I've never thought of him as abusive, but this behaviour is making me question everything I know about him.

You're right, I don't want to leave him, but I'm worried that he's not going to put in any effort to change and I can't handle that.

I don't know what I'll do without him in my life. It sounds cliché but he really is everything to me.

I am sorry but he is abusive and nuts. He really really is. You are in an abusive relationship.

Is it possible he doesn't know he is abusive, and if so is there any way to fix the relationship?

Is it possible he doesn't know he is abusive, and if so is there any way to fix the relationship?

Whether he knows or not matters very little . You need to leave it immediately . My mom's best friend is DEAD in a cemetery due to an abusive relationship . People DIE. Are seriously injured or end up disabled. This is no joke . Never never never never tolerate abuse or threats of violence .

Get out of this! This guy is abusive and acting like a lunatic!!!!! I cannot believe he treated your poor parents in that manner.

Stop coddling this jerk! You are totally enabling unacceptable behavior. He is scary!!!!!

Is it possible he doesn't know he is abusive, and if so is there any way to fix the relationship?

Of course he knows. He is not an idiot.

Why have you ALLOWED this for so long???? What a horrible situation!

And if you check in the UK he has probably been arrested or cited for similar violence against other women . Don't let a criminal emigrate here.