Thinking about contacting ex-girlfriend

Hey everyone,

My ex-girlfriend and I were together for 4 years in a loving relationship when she decided to move to another country for a year, and we both wanted to stay together.

Few weeks after she left she'd started to say that she think we might need to try other things and offered an open relationship for this period while she's abroad. I was completely

devastated and after few weeks of depression told her that I won't get in any kind of an open relationship, and that if her mind is made up I prefer that she would just break up

with me. On our last conversation she kept saying how much she loves me, and I asked her not to contact me until she gets back to our country and she promised to do so.

That was 8 months ago and we haven't spoke a single word since.

Right after the breakup I've unfollowed her on FB and IG and seemed to heal pretty well, also seeing other girls and hanging with my friends. Of course she was on my mind in some way all this

time but I've managed to live my life happily and enter her FB only once in a while.

Lately I discovered that she is staying one more year there. I have to mention - I do not feel like getting back together after how I was hurt, but I did want to meet and have a closure when she comes back.

In the last few weeks Iv'e been hitting her social media accounts few times a day (stalking tbh) and thinking of her a lot. I know it is not the way to go but I really can't help it.

Since that closure meeting Iv'e been thinking of won't happen soon, I was thinking of calling her and making this conversation on phone/video.

The thing is, we have been in NC since day one and I'm really afraid that this will get me back in the healing process, I really want to move on and not think about her so much. I do not know if this will of mine to

talk to her is really is for closure or just to hear from her. Also, I really blame myself for thinking about her so much after all this time.

To sum up, I really (really!) want to contact her but I'm afraid of the consequences of this on me. What would you do? Have you been in a situation like this?

Thank's a lot!

Alex

I haven't been in the same situation as you. I am only (almost) 4 months in, but also think of her daily. I do want to say don't beat yourself up for that, those thoughts pop up in your head if you like it or not. You can control it in the sense that you can make it even more than the impulse thoughts you have, but other than that nothing much. You cannot abolish them.

As for contacting her, before you do it really think it through. You say you are afraid of the consequences, which ones are those?

If you want to move on then if she would say anything like 'I don't want to be together again' might feel a bit like rejection, but will ultimately serve your purpose yes?

But if she would say she still loved you and wants to get back together, are you strong enough to not return?

What is it that you truly desire here? Do you still have feelings for her? Thoughts are not feelings btw, so you really have to dig to find these feelings. Then knowing those feelings what do you think is the outcome of the conversation you desire the most? Also think if you can handle the exact opposite of that desired outcome?

For example, say you still have some attachment/connection to her, and therefore you might want to see her again or get back together. Then the most desired outcome is that, the exact opposite is her rejecting you and not responding to your text at all. Could you handle that?

If you've went through these questions, let it rest for a while. Then come back to them after a couple of hours/days. If you still desire contact AND think you are strong enough to handle any way the reach out could go. Then you can consider doing it. Otherwise, it's best to keep going NC.

It's been 8 months since you've talked. That's awesome. You have done a phenomenal job of going about your life and not contacting her. The fact of the matter is, she is still on your mind and you want to contact her because in some way, you miss her. Contacting her would absolutely set you back. You have all the closure you need. She's staying for another year, you haven't talked in 8 months. There is zero closure you'll gain from contacting her. Stay strong man. You've seriously done a great job at being strong and doing the right things to pick yourself up and keep moving. 4 years is a long time to be in a relationship, so give yourself more time to heal. The more you continue living your life, talking to other women, enjoying your friends and setting goals for yourself, the more you'll notice you are healing and not thinking about her anymore. Getting closure from another person is an absolute myth. Closure is acceptance and that has to come from you. The signs of closure are all around you...not talking for 8 months, lives in another country, etc. Let her live her life. Meanwhile, you've built a life you enjoy and will continue to discover new and amazing experiences. Keep it up and stay strong!

I think for your peace of mind, go ahead and contact her. I think because you haven't spoken to her in so long, you're somewhat still clinging on to this tiny ray of hope that you'll get back together. In a way, you're frozen in this time and space. That's what being in limbo does. But I think contacting her will give you the closure that you need because then, you'll actually get the answer you've been looking for and finally move on with your life. I think 8 months is more than enough time for NC. You deserve this closure.

She broke it off with you because she was a young woman in a new place, with new men to have sex with. If that's cool with you, by all means give her a shout.

If your still not down with that, and I certainly wouldn't be in a relationship scenario, then don't contact her again. Whats happened, will happen again and next time it might be with men who are in the same town, not just a different country. And do not settle for being the safe, homely option back home while she's out there sowing her oats. It sounds like thats what she wanted, which ultimately is selfish behavior.

I'd leave this one knocked on the head for good.

Hey everyone,

My ex-girlfriend and I were together for 4 years in a loving relationship when she decided to move to another country for a year, and we both wanted to stay together.

Few weeks after she left she'd started to say that she think we might need to try other things and offered an open relationship for this period while she's abroad. I was completely

devastated and after few weeks of depression told her that I won't get in any kind of an open relationship, and that if her mind is made up I prefer that she would just break up

with me. On our last conversation she kept saying how much she loves me, and I asked her not to contact me until she gets back to our country and she promised to do so.

That was 8 months ago and we haven't spoke a single word since.

Right after the breakup I've unfollowed her on FB and IG and seemed to heal pretty well, also seeing other girls and hanging with my friends. Of course she was on my mind in some way all this

time but I've managed to live my life happily and enter her FB only once in a while.

Lately I discovered that she is staying one more year there. I have to mention - I do not feel like getting back together after how I was hurt, but I did want to meet and have a closure when she comes back.

In the last few weeks Iv'e been hitting her social media accounts few times a day (stalking tbh) and thinking of her a lot. I know it is not the way to go but I really can't help it.

Since that closure meeting Iv'e been thinking of won't happen soon, I was thinking of calling her and making this conversation on phone/video.

The thing is, we have been in NC since day one and I'm really afraid that this will get me back in the healing process, I really want to move on and not think about her so much. I do not know if this will of mine to

talk to her is really is for closure or just to hear from her. Also, I really blame myself for thinking about her so much after all this time.

To sum up, I really (really!) want to contact her but I'm afraid of the consequences of this on me. What would you do? Have you been in a situation like this?

Thank's a lot!

Alex[/

 

 

Some of the messages are suggesting that you don't contact her but if you don't and you are only going to spend the next few months still wanting to then that defeats the purpose . You sound like you are in some kind of limbo and a final conversation needs to be had . I agree closure comes from within when you decide to move on but if there are things you need to hear or say to help you do this then I would agree with contacting her . While you might have more healing to do afterwards I think staying in the position you are in at moment isn't moving you forward. Getting in touch with her may actually propel you forward on your healing journey depending on what she has to say

Look,i have been in her place, i moved countries and i had to leave a relationship behind.... this was 1 year ago... yesterday, i send a sweet text to my ex, just to check how things are (i am currently dating someone here... ) and we had an awesome conversation... but we didn't talk about closure or regrets... just about life... so if you know already you don't want to get back... just follow your life or contact her to talk something else... there's no reason to chat about how and why it ended...

Sound a lot like my first relationship and let me tell you this. Closure is not something anyone can give you. My first girlfriend moved to another continent for three months while we still were together and then realized she loved it there and wanted to stay forever. So she broke up with me over phone while in paradise and I'm at home on a snowy February night. Whenever she came to my country to visit she never contacted me or anything and I felt heartbroken over it because I felt like I hadn't gotten a closure. But I remained persistent not to be the one to contact her first and with time I got my closure. It wasn't all thanks to time, but most of it were.

So just give it time. You should only ever talk to exes if it is about anything other than your relationship, especially if you want closure. Closure is never something an ex can give you.