GF with General Anxiety Disorder just asked for space

This past Sunday my GF of almost 2 years came to me crying and told me she needed a break. She needed some time and space to work on herself and her anxiety. She has been diagnosed for 2 years now with General Anxiety Disorder. She's not on any meds right now, but she's been seeing a therapist that she likes a lot for about 2 months. I accepted it calmly for the most part, though I told her I felt like this was the wrong decision but it was her right to make that decision. I wiped her tears away and smiled and she left.

That's the short version...

For the entire relationship we never really fought. We were basically that stereotypical couple that everyone points to and says is happy in love. But over that time I forgot about her anxiety. It was never directed at me so I was never reminded. In all that time she had only had a couple of major breakdowns over school stress. I think she was keeping it inside because she was afraid to show me.

There were times where I know that I triggered it without even thinking about it though. Like when she stopped being so happy and bubbly the first thing when she came over to see me. I took that as a sign she wasn't as into me and it caused me to tell her that I felt like that. I never once thought that her anxiety is a daily battle that can make her tired because she's always tense. Combine that with a long work + school day schedule and us hanging out every night together she would stay up later than she should to be with me.

She would always ask if I was happy with her and I would tell her all the time that I was, because I truly truly was.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago and I had been getting worried about her graduating next spring from college and possibly moving. We still didn't know if we would stay together or move together and I didn't want to lose her so I asked her if she could see this relationship as a long term almost forever type relationship. At first she didn't know, but after a little while she said yes she could. That calmed my worry for a bit but I never realized that that was probably sending her into a massive panic.

She has mentioned she still doesn't know what she wants to do after graduation. I'm certain that panics her. So then a few days ago on Friday we were hanging out and after a night out together alone (had the best of times) I brought up the same conversation stupidly. This time marriage was used, but she seemed ok and even talked about the type of wedding we "might" have someday.

I went out of town the next day for the night for a school related thing. I came back at 5am Sunday and crashed. When I woke up she said she needed to come over. Thats when we broke up. She said she needed to work on herself. That she didn't know what she was going to do with her life. That her head told her she loved me but her heart didn't. I think that was her anxiety masking her feelings. I know that that disorder often can convince them that they don't love their partner.

So I gave her some space. I spent the next 8 hours re-reading all the information she gave me at the start of the relationship on her anxiety. And many other sources of course. The next afternoon I sent her a short message telling her I was sorry for not realizing just how much I was stressing her out without remembering that she had anxiety. I told her that I still loved her. That I had promised her many, many times I would never leave her unless she cheated and I meant it so I was still here. I said I'd be there when / if she was ready to talk.

She thanked me and said she loved me. She will always love me. That she needed space and time to figure out why she gets anxiety over every little thing. Then said she will never be able to tell me how grateful she is for all I taught her. She apologized for not letting me help her. For putting her anxiety onto me.

I told her I never felt her anxiety on me. That was part of the problem. She said that was just another one of her insecurities.

The end...

I love this girl. I made a mistake by not being always aware of her anxiety disorder. That I knew she had it from the start and I so quickly forgot it. I read up on it from the start so I knew what I was getting into. She really is one of the best matches I've ever had.

Thoughts?

Seth

You were aware of her anxiety disorder.

The problem is she didn't communicate with you if she was feeling particularly anxious or stressed. It's her responsibility to speak up, and if she didn't you cannot take the blame.

Did she actually say inadvertently caused her stress, or is this speculation on your part?

Speculation. I would hazard educated speculation, but still speculation. She didn't want to seem to be any kind of bother on me so wouldn't tell me if I was the cause I'm almost certain.

You cant be responsible for an adult partners anxiety or depression. They can only be responsible for it themselves. Otherwise, an unhealthy co dependent pattern will destroy the relationship.

A partner suffering from anxiety is not an ideal partner. They are not healthy enough in mind and body to be there for another person, so if she genuinely is parting ways to work on herself this is a good thing.

At the same time, and this is where I have to brutally honest, she's leaving you at a time when she knows she may well be moving away. It could be that she doesn't see a future and wants to make the break up easier by putting it down to a condition that wasn't significantly getting in the way of your relationship, for 2 full years. 'Its me, not you.'

Either way, she is choosing to leave you which is one of the most painful things. The best thing to do is to tell her to look you up if she changes her mind, and go strict NC.

DO NOT get friendzoned, don't accept the position of being there for her as a 'friend,' for her anxiety after the break up. You will be settling for less than you want and you cant be there for her if your compromising yourself. She will have to learn that she has pushed you out of her life, and must accept the consequences.

You didn't make any mistake OP. Sometimes things happen. We're not supposed to be perfect in anything. Relationships are hard and it takes two to make them work.

Mental illness is no joke and it can get in the way of everything.

I understand how you feel. You think you could've done more, helped out in different ways, but seriously, you did what you could and what she allowed you to do.

Don't take the blame on this one. You love her and that's great. Make it clear to her that you're there to help, but don't get stringing along while she gets help and recovers. You need to think about yourself as well and how you can heal. Sometimes we need to be a little selfish.

Best of luck

You didn't make any mistake OP. Sometimes things happen. We're not supposed to be perfect in anything. Relationships are hard and it takes two to make them work.

 

Mental illness is no joke and it can get in the way of everything.

 

I understand how you feel. You think you could've done more, helped out in different ways, but seriously, you did what you could and what she allowed you to do.

 

Don't take the blame on this one. You love her and that's great. Make it clear to her that you're there to help, but don't get stringing along while she gets help and recovers. You need to think about yourself as well and how you can heal. Sometimes we need to be a little selfish.

 

Best of luck

Ok I think there's a bit of a misunderstanding here...

When I say mistake I mean only in the aspect of not being more aware of her anxiety. That's what loving partners do. They're aware of their partner. That's all.

I do not really think I didn't anything wrong per-say in this relationship though. There really were no bad things. No fights. It ended pretty amicably. Just her being sad and upset at herself mostly. That's all, but I don't think my "mistake" of not being aware of her anxiety more was a "Oh my God how could you not do more?!" .. More of a "forehead slap duh" live and learn moment. That's all

*edit: words lol*

So I've spent the past week reflecting on the relationship, and mostly reading about anxiety and talking with people who suffer from it in my free time. That has given me a lot of insight into things, and a peace and calmness.

I also spent that time asking myself a question. If I really love this girl then I need to be able to love her just because you do and not for any other reason like because you want to be in a relationship with her, or any other needs of my own. I think that I can, or at the very least it is something I want to try.

I take comfort in the knowledge that there were no relationship problems. No fights. No incompatibility issues. She just has a mental health issue. It is a part of her, not who she is or defined by it.

That being said, I reached out to let her know that I didn't just up and leave her, and below you can read the conversation so far..

Me: Hey - thinking of you. How are you?

 

Her: Hi...and if I'm being honest...not good...hurting...still cry everyday at least once...how are you?

 

Me: hang on a sec I'm driving

Me: Honestly... I'm exactly the same as you ..

 

Her: Yeah this definitely hasn't been easy

 

Me: Why are you hurting? Is there anything I can do?

 

Her: Cause I love you and miss you all the time

 

Me: I love you too Aubrey and I miss you too

 

Her: I know it's definitely been hard

I write this as a reminder to myself to keep trying to love her without needing anything in return.

So here's an update like 2+ weeks later...

After a week of giving her the space that she requested, and having taken the "breakup" really well, I sent her a simple message asking how she was doing. That turned into a long conversation that ended with an arrangement to talk in person on Monday after the weekend. That night she messaged me while I was out telling me that she was thinking of me and just wanted to say hi. It was awkward, but we talked for a bit before she went to sleep. The same happened the next night.

Monday comes and we meet up to talk and I just asked how she was, deciding that I didn't feel it was the time to share what I had learned. I had spent the past 10 days talking to people who suffer from anxiety, reading on it, and MOST importantly reflecting on the relationship and how I missed signs of her anxiety. I reflected and learned ways to be better and interact with someone who suffers from GAD (general anxiety disorder). I also CHOSE to try and and love her without requiring anything in return.

That being said after 2 minutes she was like "that's it?". I said I had stuff to tell her but I didn't think now was the time, and she said if not now then when? So I told her everything I had learned, and after a while she smiled with tears in her eyes and said "Wow you have learned". We talked back and forth about what it's like for her, and also about how I was afraid of letting my walls down fully and being completely vulnerable. That went on for 3 hours until we got kicked out of the coffee shop cause it was closing. We went to our cars and a hug turned into not letting go, into lots of kissing and just not wanting to leave each other.

But we did. The next few days we would message and talk and within 48 hours we went on a date. Since then I remind myself constantly of the changes I wished to make so that they become a part of my every action and natural. We do not discuss what this is other than to say it feels better and also like we're starting over.

I do not know what the future holds, and it's still early into this new relationship. But I wanted to tell anyone else that comes here and reads the title because someone they love with GAD or they themselves has it, that there is hope for a breakup due to that. This does not apply to normal breakups. A breakup caused by clinical anxiety when nothing else was really wrong is different. But my advice is this..

Love the person without requiring, or expecting, anything in return. Let the person who has the anxiety know that you have not left them. That even from a distance you still are there and love them.

Good luck and best wishes!

PS!: No Contact is not some gimick...for the love of mike... it's PURELY a method to allow YOU to heal. To get past the hurt, pain, and anxiety that comes with a breakup.

Good to hear your happy, but your going into the friend zone, If that's where you want to be no problem.

If you want her back, tell her to only reach out to you IF she feels that she wants you like you want her.

Don't turn into 'nice supportive guy rewarded with hugs,' while she's out there checking new men.