Why can't things be easy and consistent?

I started talking to a man I knew from years ago. We didn't date, we were just acquaintances. We reconnected recently and went for coffee. We both confessed we liked each other and agreed to start "seeing" each other. We kissed and hugged the last time we met which was last Tuesday. On Friday, he left for vacation and he will return tomorrow. Before he left, he was texting consistently but since he has been gone, he has been inconsistent in his communication. He has texted GM everyday at different times but that is it. Nothing long. Today, I haven't heard from him at all. I have been so upset all day. Why approach me and act all interested in me only to hurt me? Before he left, we made plans to see each other when he returned but now I am feeling insecure about that happening. He hasn't seemed as attentive since he has been gone. I didn't go looking for this relationship to happen, it just did. But it seems, once again, I am going to be hurt. I have not texted him and have waited for him to contact me since I didn't want to bother him while he is on vacation.

Not hearing from him today is killing me. I feel like stabbing myself in the heart, it would hurt less. I honestly can't take my heart being broken again. Why does it seem men are lining up to take a turn at hurting me?!

I feel stupid having to come here once again and try to get advice on how to cope with being a pathetic loser. Just once, I wish I didn't have to come here because someone has hurt me. Why can't someone stay interested in me and consistently talk to me? 🙁😢

You aren't ready to be in a relationship. You've gotta work on your self esteem. You can't go into every relationship expecting the man to disappear on you. Have you ever heard of a self fulfilling prophesy? In the grand scheme of things you can decipher anything from texts, not to mention, he's in vacation. It's going to be hard but you really need to get in control of your issues with anxiety and low self esteem, I don't think you should be dating but if you do and you let this side out a sane man isn't going to put up with it for long.

He might just be busy. Give it some time. These are just the beginning stages.

Why do you automatically get upset when they aren't texting you non-stop? He texted you good morning every day while he is on vacation. I think that speaks volumes. I hate to sound mean, but he's on vacation. I would hope he is enjoying his vacation without having to constantly update you. Please, just relax and stop jumping to these extreme conclusions just because someone hasn't immediately responded to you. That really shows how insecure you are, which I guess is understandable when you have apparently been hurt this much. The world isn't falling, and not every guy is out to get you. He'll text you back. Meanwhile, if you have built a life you love with people you enjoy being around, you wouldn't be here relying on his text as a fix for happiness. You aren't a loser, you're just overreacting. I think you have a lot of self reflection to do before being in a relationship. It's not his job to make you happy. Step away from the ledge!

I didn't ask him to constantly uodate me and text me while he is gone. In fact, I only texted him if he reached out first. I do appreciate that he kept some kind of contact with me, even just a brief text, but it is such a contrast to how he was acting before he left. Since I am not ready to date because of my insecurities, should I just stop talking to him? Ignore him if he contacts me again?

He seemed interested in me before he left and now he doesn't. I have been pleasant and responsive to him when he contacts me.

I don't know what to do or how to act anymore. When someone shows interest in me, it seems the moment I reciprocate, things change.

Tyger, not to pry but have you slept with this man yet?

Tyger, not to pry but have you slept with this man yet?

No I haven't. Only kissed a little.

Sweetie, he's on vacation. Do you want him to be happy seeing new places, having adventures, talking to people, eating new food? Or do you want him to stare at the phone all the time?

Besides, if you never text him first, maybe he doesn't want to look desperate. To be this guy who text first someone everyday, while he's on the vacation. How would that look?

I'm in a similar position - the guy I'm not dating yet, but we texted a lot few days prior to his vacations, left for his vacations. He sends me a pic every second day, but doesn't have time to talk. He even didn't have time to respond to my message once. But generally I try not to write him these days so that he has space for vacations. I miss him, but I'm not anxious about whether he likes me or not - I know he does, if he texted me a lot before. I'm waiting for him to come back home, rest for a couple of days, and then I expect things to return slowly to what they were, and progress further. They most probably will get back to what they were. If they won't, it's his loss.

So this vacations of your guy, it's just a break in what wasn't a relationship yet. If you'll be insecure every day he's not texting you when you aren't in a relationship yet, this relationship won't work out. Give him space. Respect that he has a life on his own. Believe that you're worth liking. Believe that if the guy stops texting, it's his loss. After he returns, make it a habit to also write him first every now and then. To not make him feel like he's the only one pulling this thing forward. Be vulnerable. Risk and allow yourself to be hurt, because there is no other option.

If you think about it and you logically decide you're not ready for this risk, COMMUNICATE. Let this guy know that you need some time and safety on the way because of what you've been through, but you're willing to trust him. Or let him know that you're not ready for these risks and decided to let him go. I'd choose the first, because this is a perfect opportunity for you to work through your insecurity issues - if you keep postponing it, it might always be difficult. I'd choose trying to work on your feelings and have a lot of understanding to this man, who doesn't know that well what you're going through.

But whatever you choose, never ignore him or stop talking to him out of sudden. You'd leave the guy who really likes you deeply confused. And possibly scarred for future. You'd be no better than men who hurt you So please, please don't do that. If you decide this will get too hard for you, let him know precisely what's going on and why. Take care of his feelings too.

I hope everything works out fine! Just give yourself time, relax, communicate, and try to see things from this guy's point of view too.

No I haven't. Only kissed a little.

Good. If you choose to continue, until you know where he stands for a fact, don't. It'll just make things worse for you.

I don't know what to do or how to act anymore. When someone shows interest in me, it seems the moment I reciprocate, things change.

You know, I can sit here and say its all in your head ,but I don't know whats going on in this guys head and neither do you.What I do know is, it doesn't matter whats going on in his head, you cant base your worth as a person on whether or not a man wants you. It says absolutely nothing about who you are as a person, but if you keep letting rejection chip away at you, its going to make your anxiety worse and worse and it'll be harder and harder to hide from a potential mate. To me, it seems like if you like someone you immediately get yourself in a head space that puts you at a disadvantage. You're hoping and praying you're good enough for them, when in reality, it should be 50/50, you BOTH should be seeing whether or not you're a match.

I think you should take this time to work on handling your anxiety in a healthy way, do not reach out to him, take your focus off of him and put it on other things. Post here, exercise (this is your best option for multiple reasons), go out with friends, read self help books, see a therapist (another excellent option) distract yourself so when he does reach out it'll be a pleasant surprise and not an anxiety reliever, you dont want to make a man you're dating the thing that relieves your anxiety and I think that's what you've been doing. Take your phone and put it in another room, this actually works for me, because I suffer from anxiety and nothing drives me crazier than waiting for a text or phone call, I simply do not wait by the phone, I keep my phone in a completely different room, I can hear it if someone calls me of course, but most times, I don't hear the text ding and not seeing the phone makes it easier for me to focus on living my life and not allowing it to be an anxiety reliever for me. I'm learning to relieve my anxiety in healthier ways and I know it doesn't seem like it'll work, it does! Instead of succumbing to your anxiety and letting it overtake you, take control of it, believe it or not, you are in control.

No man is worth your mental health. Thats why I think you should take a dating break, but i realize at the end of the day its your life, good luck!

The inner dialogue in your head is really chaotic to say the least. PLEASE get some therapy. You need a good year off dating or this will continue to happen.

Well, looks like it is over before it started. He is posting and replying to messages on Facebook but I haven't heard from him at all today. I had a feeling we would disconnect when he left. Guess that is my self-fulfilling prophecy at work. Maybe he thought I wasn't interested because I was letting him do all the initiatiating conversation while he has been gone.

I was really hoping things would be different with him. No matter how hard I try to not be anxious, I still end up effing things up. I am trying really hard not to text him and ask how his day was. Why doesn't he want to talk to me? He has talked to me everyday until today.

I was seeing a therapist. I had to stop going. It was too expensive. Guess I am destined to have these things happen to me.

I looked at my phone ALL DAY today. Hoping, expecting to hear from him. Each hour that passed as my phone stayed silent made me progressively sadder and upset. I am now a miserable, sobbing mess. I am just so very tired of getting hurt. I almost feel as if he only came back into my life to hurt me. All I can do is wonder "why?"

We had plans to get together tomorrow. I don't know if that will happen now.

Wait...is he home? Who texted who last? What was said? And most importantly is anything anyone is saying getting through to you?

If you insist of drowning in ur sorrow, there really isn't anything anyone can do. -_-...

To be upset, let alone THIS upset over someone you only just reconnected with isn't emotionally healthy. Get help!

Maybe he just wants some space, maybe he's recovering from his trip, maybe he just wants to chat to friends and relax. He doesn't need to talk to u everyday. Ur not even his gf, and he has no obligation to do it? Let the guy breathe.

Wait...is he home? Who texted who last? What was said? And most importantly is anything any is saying getting through to you?

I don't know if he is home or not. I thought he was coming home tomorrow. I texted him last and told him to enjoy his day. Yes, what you are saying helps but everything is already ruined. If he was interested in me, I would have heard from him today.

I don't know if he is home or not. I thought he was coming home tomorrow. I texted him last and told him to enjoy his day. Yes, what you are saying helps but everything is already ruined. If he was interested in me, I would have heard from him today.

Wont you feel a bit silly if you're doing all this to yourself and he texts you? I can almost guarantee he is completely oblivious to you doing this to yourself.

The over thinking, the self pity, the agony. You said you watched your phone all day, but I know this wasn't my first time giving you advice about putting your phone in another room, Im not saying you have to follow my advice, what I'm saying is this isnt your first rodeo dealing with this yet you keep torturing yourself doing the exact same thing. Despite all the advice you've been given you haven't actually changed how you're approaching dating. Tyger, this cant be fun for you, so why do you keep touching the hot stove?!?

I'm going to reiterate what honeycomb said:

If you insist of drowning in ur sorrow, there really isn't anything anyone can do. -_-...

I wish it was all in my head. I really do but he has texted me every day since last Tuesday and nothing from him today. It is what always happens. This is the quickest someone has ever lost interest, though. I have tried putting my phone away and it doesn't help. I am afraid he doesn't think I am interested since I haven't been the first to initiate texting him.

I wish all this misery was for nothing but it just seems all too familiar to me which is why it is so upsetting.

I just wish I could meet someone who wants to talk to me as much as I want to talk to them. Someone who can't wait to hear from me or see me.

By the way, he still hasn't texted and, honestly, I don't think he will.

Thank you for trying to help me. I know I am frustrating. I'm sorry.

In my last few relationships, I never talked to the guy every single day. It had no correlation to how much I liked/loved/cared or vice cersa. We both need space, as we both should have lives?

Do you not have hobbies, or friends you can occupy your time with. Why is he suddenly the center of your universe?

No one wants to be the main source or someone else's happiness. It's draining and a lot of pressure. =/ He probably just wants to chill out. That's okay.

I have hobbies and work and friends/family but what I don't have is a romantic relationship. I am not trying to make him the center of my universe but I can see why it seems that way.

He is the one who set the precedent of texting me every day. When that deviates is when I panic. Especially based on past experiences. We have only been talking since last week. Shouldn't he be as excited to talk to me as I am him? Isn't there always a honeymoon phase? I guess I just feel it is way too soon for him to be wanting space.

The day is pretty much over so I have resigned myself to the fact he isn't going to reach out. I am afraid to think about tomorrow. Should I wait to, hopefully, hear from him or should I reach out to him?

Thank you for your input. I do appreciate it.

It's not that it seems that way you are deffinetely making these men the center of your universe.

Is there a reason you can't text him? I mean 'have a nice day' isn't something that really needs a response...

I'm sorry you're going through this. I wish you would take everyone's advice to take a break to work on yourself.

What's wrong with not texting for one day? He probably smiled at your message then kept going with his day. You're not important to him yet because he is just getting to know you. You're a new person in his universe. This is completely irrational to "know" that something is going to fail after just few days of getting to know each other. It will fail only because of your lack of trust, not because of this guy's not caring - you're not even giving him the opportunity to slowly start caring for you.

I think your expectations are way way off base. You barely know this guy, you had one date (I think -or very few) and he went on vacation -he's in his own, vacation world right now. He didn't make a specific time/place plan in advance so always assume -for your sanity- that that means it is the last date until and unless he asks you out again. I don't get why he had to text you at all while he was away -or why you had to keep in touch. You just went on one or a very few dates. He should text you if and when he wants to plan another date. The pity party -which it has become for you -is simply a waste of your time and energy and bad for your health. Figure out a way to stop letting yourself go there and turn this into some huge calamity when at its worst all it is -at its worst -is someone who might have changed his mind about wanting another date with you. Which happens all the time.

And yes sometimes it is easy and consistent -especially when people meet in college or in those sort of organic ways where you're surrounded by other single people around your age. in my experience and that of many others in their 30s and beyond it's not easy or consistent. So as I write here a lot, don't get involved in the dating world or in online sites unless you're looking for marriage or the equivalent -to me personally, the time/energy/annoyance is not worth it just to meet someone to go on dates with.

I am not looking to get married. Been there, done that. I am not against a long term, monogamous relationship, though.

Unfortunately, I have only been meeting flaky men who disappear fairly quickly. They seem to have very short attention spans and not interested in actually meeting on a regular basis. I blame myself. I may have slept with them too soon and they see me as "loose" so they lose interest. But why not even want a casual thing with me? I don't get it.

I am not looking to get married. Been there, done that. I am not against a long term, monogamous relationship, though.

 

Unfortunately, I have only been meeting flaky men who disappear fairly quickly. They seem to have very short attention spans and not interested in actually meeting on a regular basis. I blame myself. I may have slept with them too soon and they see me as "loose" so they lose interest. But why not even want a casual thing with me? I don't get it.

What I wrote applies equally to long term. Who knows why these particular men weren't interested in a casual sexual relationship? And really who cares -you barely know them. I wouldn't assume that all these men have short attention spans. Some might. More likely they realized early on that you weren't a good match- nothing personal -and moved on to find a better match. That's just dating.

What I wrote applies equally to long term. Who knows why these particular men weren't interested in a casual sexual relationship? And really who cares -you barely know them. I wouldn't assume that all these men have short attention spans. Some might. More likely they realized early on that you weren't a good match- nothing personal -and moved on to find a better match. That's just dating.

I always take it personally when they disappear because I think I am worth at least getting to know or given a decent chance. When they don't want to, I wonder why. They show tons of interest up front, I am not sure what changed. I guess they were only after one thing and when they got it, they didn't want it again. 😕