Annoying flirting cubiclemate

So I work in an office where my job security is less secure than most everyone else. There is this guy I have to sit next to in cubicle who for a year has been making sporadic comments to the effect of liking me. He is married. I don't think he actually thinks anything could come of it and therefore feels free to act strangely with me. No one else acts like this and I've way more work experience than I need to know that is behavior is wrong. I feel embarrassed when other people can overhear him asking if I want to do xyz on the weekend. I've told him that he just needs to stop. I'm not interested. I would never be interested. Ive given the cold shoulder, no eye contact, no discussion for two weeks straight--a few times. He gets pouty, dies the bottom lip out thing with a Whiney voice asking me out loud if I'm angry with him. Actually stands in front of me in the hallway to make sure I have to address him. Etc etc etc. long boring story. But now he's graduating it to putting his arm around me when I'm looking at the vending machine. Walking by my chair and talking to me and doing the conversational back, shoulder, arm touch thing and it's pissing me off. I've had guy friends tell me exactly what to say in the past. The reason I've not taken him aside is the awkwardness quotient, the rocking the boat in the workplace, and I'm just trying to hold on to this job until I can find a better one. Also--he seems to be buds with almost everyone in the office so for me to call him out, publicly-- would be negatively noticed. However I have noticed other people seemingly uncomfortable when I can see their reaction to how he acts with me.

Tell him off. Or bide my time until I can exit stage left?

he is harrassing you.

Its not harrassment to invite you out to the zoo after work, but putting his arm on you at work IS. The next time he does something like putting his arm on you - in a loud voice say LET ME GO!! make people know that you do not welcome it - make it so others hear. Do not "take him aside" or be alone with this man. if you work for a big company, sexual harassment is something you can file - you have rights!

Once you tell someone to stop a behavior, whether it be words or touching, it is harassment. He doesn't care that you are making him uncomfortable, so you shouldn't care when you make him uncomfortable by giving him a warning. I wouldn't shout it, but I'd tell him clearly and firmly, "I'm telling you one time, and one time only. Never touch me and never ask me out again. If you do, I'll have to report you to management." You won't be any more uncomfortable after this encounter than you are now, dealing with his harassment.

He may have friends in the office, but I'd guess there would be at least one decent person amongst them who would tell the truth if spoken to one-on-one with management. I've dealt with similar situations at work but fortunately it never came to having to report them, since the discussions with them worked. Trying to be humorous and friendly about them stopping didn't work for me. I had to take the second step by being firm with one, and downright mean with another one. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Good luck.

It is harassment. Yes, you can tell him off. That might be the most direct and effective way to handle it. More people might understand than you expect. If it's more comfortable for you, or if direct confrontation doesn't work, you can report it to human resources or your manager.

Years ago, I was harassed by a guy at work. I was in my early 20s, just a temp in a warehouse at the time. He was a full-time employee who had worked there for years. When I told him to stop, he just started saying things to me in a language that I couldn't understand. So I wrote an account of the situation--similar to what you have here, but with more specific details--and handed it to human resources. They called me in and talked to me. Then they called him in and talked to him. After they talked to him, he came to me and asked me to call them off. I told him to f-ck off. Loudly. He never bothered me again.

The surprising this was, people were sympathetic. Men I didn't even know came up to me and told me that I did the right thing. Apparently, I was not the first woman who reported him. I was just the most effective.

Wow. Really great responses. Thank you.

Back when I was in my 20s I worked for a big accounting firm for a lead partner and the outright sexual harassment was amazing although I'm thankful it never got to touching me except for the one time he tucked in my shirt tag. It would take me hours to write it all. I will say this, just to give a hint of the power some people have at work. He had left me a voicemail at work where he was heavy breathing (rhythmically) --you understand--and saying how much he missed me over the weekend and wished I was there with him! Ughh. So when I heard this--pre cell phone days-- I spent the morning trying to figure out how I could record this because I was going to take it to HR. Now I know I should've had HR walk over to my desk. He figured out what I was doing. When I went on lunch break--miraculously, the entire building's worth of people had suddenly lost all of their voicemails! Everyone. Called it a glitch. Yeah. Well, I then knew who I was dealing with. There is SO much more.

Anyway. Fast forward decades and the company that I'm with now--Im in my 2nd position. The first position was supporting the spry, yet elderly owner. It is a family business. His daughter is younger than me. When he started thinking shoulder rubs were ok, I thought geez, is that what he does and he thinks of me as a daughter figure? He cheek kisses hello all the mature old business friends who come in and I initially thought this is harmless as he is so old. The 4th time it happened, he also was pushing his body onto the back of my chair (I was sitting). Enough! At the risk of losing my job I complained fiercely to my supervisor. She also reported to him. But, it got stopped. And he would scowl at me. And then a couple of weeks later I got moved to a different position--with the creepy cubicle mate.

I'm going to tell the cubicle mate tomorrow to entirely stop all of this. No more comments or touching. No one has ever advised me to just keep quiet. It's ridiculous.

He's counting on you not to make a scene. So you need to nip it in the bud and call him out every time he says or does something that harasses you. Don't touch me again. Don't ask me out. And state, "you are making me uncomfortable and if you don't leave me alone I will report you to your manager". He should back off. If he doesn't then you should go to HR.

When he started thinking shoulder rubs were ok, I thought geez, is that what he does and he thinks of me as a daughter figure? He cheek kisses hello all the mature old business friends who come in and I initially thought this is harmless as he is so old. The 4th time it happened, he also was pushing his body onto the back of my chair (I was sitting). Enough! At the risk of losing my job I complained fiercely to my supervisor. She also reported to him. But, it got stopped. And he would scowl at me. And then a couple of weeks later I got moved to a different position--with the creepy cubicle mate.

You know, this reminds me of something else that happened to me. I never reported it because the situation solved itself, as I will presently describe.

I was working for the same company as above, but now I was 30 and working in the office. It was an international company that was headquartered in Japan. Most of the leadership was male. They rotated regional managers around every two or three years, and the current one was the most 'traditional' manager yet. I was working late one night, when he came up behind me and gave me a back rub as he spoke to me. I carried on the conversation with him and pretended like this back rub thing wasn't happening. It happened two more times and on the third time, he said, "Do you trust me? Aren't you afraid that I might--" and he actually leaned forward and put his arm around my neck, the way you would if you were putting someone in a headlock! Then he withdrew his arm and stood up straight. I turned and looked up at him. I said, "I would fight you." And I held his gaze until he leaned back and laughed. "Ok," he said. And he never did that to me again!

Anyway, with an owner like the one you've described, it's little wonder there are others like him in the office. He probably knows all about it, and seated you there out of revenge! Good luck. Sheesh.

Today. At 530. Most people gone. Now in my 4 person cubicle only one guy is there. A different man who makes an effort to be professional. Not like these other 30-60 year olds joking around all day like high school kids. This guy wanted to rehash a subject that came up earlier in the day. Our backs are to each other. I was intently and busily working so I could leave. I hear "Hey beautiful, blah blah blah" and ignored it. Never heard such a thing from him before and decided to ignore. He must be on the phone with wife or daughter..... Nope. Repeat. Blah blah blah. Beautiful. Pause. Then he says. Ok then. So I said outLOUD without turning around. Did you just. Did you just say something and say Beautiful? He says. Uhhh. I said. NO. Not happening. I never want to hear that. It's not for me. UNDERSTAND?

He snaps right back to pragmatic say oooooo-k. and then re-asked his question. To which I plainly replied.

Ok. No this guy #2--ive had a feeling for a year was trying to be inappropriate with me but I also 2nd guessed myself that I was being ridiculous.

But. Some of this I blame myself for. As I've not yet told off ass-hat that I sit next to who acts normal for two days then does something weird. On repeat. As explained above in previous post. So, because of jerk #2, I am now compelled to speak to #1.

And I have to sit next to both of them all day everyday until I find a new job. Yeah me.

Wow. That sounds scary. Good for you getting tough with him and not allowing it to be a joke. 💪🏼

By the way---how do I click a "thanks" on this site?

And I have to sit next to both of them all day everyday until I find a new job. Yeah me.

I hope you are actively looking for a new job!!

Wow. That sounds scary. Good for you getting tough with him and not allowing it to be a joke.

Thanks.

The farther in the past it gets, the scarier I realize it was. But yeah, there was zero tolerance in me for that. I'm glad.

By the way---how do I click a "thanks" on this site?

There's a little button in the lower left corner of posts. I'm not using the app, though.