Does a break mean breaking up?

Last week my partner (he's 25, I'm 28 ) told me that he doesn't know if he ever wants kids or to get married. He knows this is what I want and doesn't want me to resent him for it. Moments later he started crying as did I and we ended up spending a very strange day together crying over the death of our relationship without either of us actually calling it. It ended us on agreeing not to make contact for a week. We work together (same office different department) so still see each other daily.

The week is up tomorrow and we're meeting at his place after work to talk and I have no idea what to expect. The last day we spent together we were talking of how we loved each other and how unfair the situation is.

I've since thought at length about what I want for myself and my future. I've decided I want him by my side regardless of what may or may not come with that and that our relationship isn't over for me yet.

We've been talking a little by text since yesterday evening but not aboit anything serious, just friendly jokes.

I've spent the last week concentrating on my life, hanging out with my friends, making new ones and generally keeping busy. Essentially forecasting that I'm not going to get what I want.

I'm really anxious about tomorrow now that it's finally come around, can anyone give any tips? I don't know whether to start our talk first by laying my cards on the table and saying how I feel or letting him go first?

Any advice would be really really welcomed!

Likely, yes, it is over. His commentary regarding kids and marriage could be honest truth or simply a way out (since he knows you value these things). Also, you saying that you 'want him by my side regardless of what may or may not come with that' is an impulsive statement. You WILL resent him later on if you do not get married and have kids.

He is either being honest and realizing that you two have fundamental differences or he is looking for an out of the relationship. In either case, it likely means it is over. I am not sure how long you have been together, but be sure to take time to heal from this. Good luck.

When a man something, believe him.

He has said he doesn't know if he wants marriage & kids. Believe him.

He may say, tomorrow when you meet, that he's changed his mind. This will likely be more due to how much he's missed you this week rather than changing his core feelings. Tread lightly here.

Having said that, I do have a friend who went through this exact same thing. In her case, she did the break up/complete NC, and about 2 months later, he came back, begging for another chance. They are now married 6 years with a wonderful child, and it took him realizing how much he missed her.

In your situation, I would just tread lightly. If he still says that he doesn't want marriage & kids, then I'd say it will be hard, but say goodbye. Because as hyden above says, you will resent him.

Sounds like the relationship is over. He loves you but not in love with you. If he truly loved you. He would give you what you wanted.

Why risk losing you?

I've since thought at length about what I want for myself and my future. I've decided I want him by my side regardless of what may or may not come with that and that our relationship isn't over for me yet.

This to me is a hard line. You said he KNOWS he doesn't want marriage or kids. If you go forward with him you can't do it with "what may or may not come" because that is you still hoping he will change his mind. The ONLY way you could honestly give it another shot was if you could honestly say "I'm okay never getting married and never having children to be with this guy" if you can do that? Go for it. But it doesn't sound like you can.

You two miss each other. Breaking up sucks. But you have different needs and desires. Don't let the sadness of a break up keep you in a relationship that will never meet your needs. You think breaking up now is hard? Try it again in a year or two, when you are even more invested and your biological clock starts really ticking (if that happens for you).

I know I've thought about it at length and all incarnations of the future. What if he's infertile or I can't have kids, what would happen then? Or if we don't stay together and I don't find that person to settle down with.

I feel like the here and now we're happy together and should continue to explore it. I don't want kids for at least 5 years and he's aware of this. I don't want to throw something wonderful away right now because I might have kids in the future.

The marriage I don't care about, I just feel like it's somewhat necessary to have children.

It's been 8 months, not my longest relationship but by far my happiest and most stable.

Sounds like the relationship is over. He loves you but not in love with you. If he truly loved you. He would give you what you wanted.

 

Why risk losing you?

It's not like I'm asking him to give me a new car or a holiday. A child is the biggest commitment you can make to someone and I fully appreciate that, hence the predicament.

I know I've thought about it at length and all incarnations of the future. What if he's infertile or I can't have kids, what would happen then? Or if we don't stay together and I don't find that person to settle down with.

 

I feel like the here and now we're happy together and should continue to explore it. I don't want kids for at least 5 years and he's aware of this. I don't want to throw something wonderful away right now because I might have kids in the future.

 

The marriage I don't care about, I just feel like it's somewhat necessary to have children.

 

It's been 8 months, not my longest relationship but by far my happiest and most stable.

If neither of you can't have kids. This man will not go forward with adoption. I think at this point it's a waste of time being with somebody that doesn't want kids.

This is time invested you can have with somebody that shares the same relationship/life goals as you.

I feel like the here and now we're happy together and should continue to explore it. I don't want kids for at least 5 years and he's aware of this. I don't want to throw something wonderful away right now because I might have kids in the future.

Maybe he doesn't want to invest another 5 etc years into a relationship to then go through a breakup , you are saying you are ok carrying on for several years because you don't want kids yet anyway , but if it where me in his shoes and I knew I didn't , I wouldn't want to carry on with you .

I think that a "break" is the beginning of the end.

You said he KNOWS he doesn't want marriage or kids. If you go forward with him you can't do it with "what may or may not come" because that is you still hoping he will change his mind.

That's right. There is no "may or may not." There's only "will not."

What if he's infertile or I can't have kids, what would happen then?

Again, it doesn't matter. There's only one fair outcome for a relationship with him: no kids ever. He doesn't want kids.

I don't want kids for at least 5 years and he's aware of this.

Why don't you spend those five years looking for the best possible father for those children? A man who is WILLING to be a father

The marriage I don't care about, I just feel like it's somewhat necessary to have children.

Then this is not the relationship for you.

But is the issue even really children? You don't seem to be pressuring him about them. I think the real issue goes beyond future compatibility and "here and now" isn't as satisfying for him as it is for you.

I've decided I want him by my side regardless of what may or may not come with that and that our relationship isn't over for me yet.

Just keep in mind that if the relationship is over for him, it's over for you too.

Sounds like the relationship is over. He loves you but not in love with you. If he truly loved you. He would give you what you wanted.

 

Why risk losing you?

That might be true for some things but not children. He can be 100% in love with her and still say it is over because he doesn't want kids.

I would think a guy like that is definitely in love with the person to end their relationship over not having the same future desire.

Never say someone doesn't love another because they don't want to have children. One of the most mature and intelligent reasons to end a relationship build by real love is that.

He told you he doesn't kids. The ball is in your court. If you stay with him you totally absolve him from that. Don't ever expect a change. It is really hard but you have to choose between potential children in a future relationship or him in this relationship.

There is a reason children are a huge deal breaker.

Yes, it does sound like there is love in the relationship. It's just not the right partnership.