Getting over a great guy

My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me over the weekend and I am devastated. We had an on off relationship but I really felt that he's the one for me. He is such a sweet, loving, caring, considerate, loyal person, and it's so hard to find guys like that. I feel that our relationship is broken beyond repair. I just can't trust someone who has left me 5-6 times, regardless of who's "fault" it was. I really did give him a hard time with my jealousy and lack of trust, but we were in such a bad cycle of breaking up that I don't think I ever could have trusted him. I don't know. But my question is, how on earth do I get over the sweetest, funniest, most loyal pure and loving guy I've ever known?!? I'm 23 so I know there is time for me to meet someone new but it just feels so impossible. Last time we were broken up I fell into a deep depression and I'm so scared.

Why were you jealous and distrustful?

Well I am insecure normally, and have been in all of my relationships. But with him it was impossible for me to improve it or move past it or feel safe, because he broke up with me like 7 times in the course of 3 years, and then would come back to me and say he is fully committed to me this time, wants to marry me, etc. but then would do it again. I was constantly afraid and intimidated by the idea of him meeting someone else because I clearly wasn't enough to keep him around for a stable relationship. He wanted me to change and the whole dynamic of our relationship was that I needed to get better in order for us to be happy. I think he was right about it so I just feel awful and like I ruined everything. But at the same time I know our relationship was so broken that I never would have been able to change while in it. I was too afraid and it was too unstable. I need something stable and someone who truly makes me feel safe to have even a chance of trusting.

But honestly, talking about this makes me feel worse and more depressed. I want to talk about hope for the future. Forgiving myself. Letting go. Having faith that I didn't ruin my one shot at a happy and healthy relationship. I want to know I'll find another GREAT guy. But I don't know and I'm so so so afraid.

He is such a sweet, loving, caring, considerate, loyal person, and it's so hard to find guys like that.

No he wasn't. Sweet, loving, caring, considerate, loyal persons DO NOT leave 5-6 times NOR do they make you feel "not enough"/ try to change you/ turn you into a "repair" project.

how on earth do I get over the sweetest, funniest, most loyal pure and loving guy I've ever known?!?

The answer is that you take him off the pedestal. Loyal and loving guys DO NOT go back and forth like that. You need to take off the rose colored glasses. You two are incompatible and at the very least he is very immature and selfish to be jerking you around like that. You need to stop taking him back. And you need to build your self-esteem. It sounds like you don't love yourself and that is a big problem. You need to make yourself happy instead of trying to find someone else to do it for you. Set goals that will make you proud of yourself and put your energy into that instead of depending on others for validation. When you achieve this, you will attract much better guys than this fickle boy.

There's tons out there don't worry. You won't be able to look at anyone else for a while but just get yourself on tinder and enjoy some attention and casual chatting to other people, definitely rebuilds your self esteem. Careful of dating for now though I tried after a week and burst into tears after... Aah good times.

Don't worry though you'll eventually find someone and think what the hell was I so distraught over x

Thanks guys. He is immature in a lot of ways like with the types of jokes he makes and how he acts around my friends, but he's so bubbly and sociable and fun. Everyone in his family calls him "good kid" because he's so nice. and thoughtful. but now I don't have him anymore. I'm worried the next guy just won't measure up. He'll be selfish, or he won't do thoughtful things for me like write me cards and leave me notes. and I'll just feel like something is missing with every other guy because this guy had so much.

Thanks guys. He is immature in a lot of ways like with the types of jokes he makes and how he acts around my friends, but he's so bubbly and sociable and fun. Everyone in his family calls him "good kid" because he's so nice. and thoughtful. but now I don't have him anymore. I'm worried the next guy just won't measure up. He'll be selfish, or he won't do thoughtful things for me like write me cards and leave me notes. and I'll just feel like something is missing with every other guy because this guy had so much.

The easiest thing to do after being broken up with is to act like your ex is the greatest person on Earth. It ain't so. It isn't reality and the reason we think that is because we are hurt and took a solid blow to the ego. In time you'll understand that...once the shock has worn off. Trust me, there are better guys out there. Maybe better isn't even the right word. There are guys out there more compatible with you than he was. You'd be surprised at how many other awesome guys await through the next door. Until you are healed, you'll continue to compare every guy to him, which is natural. That'll gradually change as you move on from him through no contact.

Well I am insecure normally, and have been in all of my relationships. But with him it was impossible for me to improve it or move past it or feel safe, because he broke up with me like 7 times in the course of 3 years, and then would come back to me and say he is fully committed to me this time, wants to marry me, etc. but then would do it again. I was constantly afraid and intimidated by the idea of him meeting someone else because I clearly wasn't enough to keep him around for a stable relationship. He wanted me to change and the whole dynamic of our relationship was that I needed to get better in order for us to be happy. I think he was right about it so I just feel awful and like I ruined everything. But at the same time I know our relationship was so broken that I never would have been able to change while in it. I was too afraid and it was too unstable. I need something stable and someone who truly makes me feel safe to have even a chance of trusting.

 

But honestly, talking about this makes me feel worse and more depressed. I want to talk about hope for the future. Forgiving myself. Letting go. Having faith that I didn't ruin my one shot at a happy and healthy relationship. I want to know I'll find another GREAT guy. But I don't know and I'm so so so afraid.

I broke up with my now ex in the heat of the moment because we were having a fight and she somehow found in her mind to insult me on a personal level. All my rational thought went to "I need to break up with this girl, this isn't right." and I did, but I instantly regretted it and I told her that was really hurt by her words and that I didn't really want to break up. We made up, I apologized for trying to breakup and she apologized for the insult.

I still regret both things - the breakup on the heat of the moment and not following it through (because now I know that would've been the best for me).

Anyway, I felt like sh*t. Aside from the way I'm feeling now, that was one of the worst feelings I've had.

If your ex broke up with you 7 times in 3 years, then I'm sorry to say that relationship is seriously messed up.

As in my case, I should've broken up with her sooner because all the red flags were there, but I loved her and wanted to make it work no matter what. Every couple fights and has problems. I was willing to endure it all, but the thought of breaking up with her again never crossed my mind.

7 times is unimaginable to me.

You need to take a real hard look at how the relationship was and draw your own conclusions :s

I just want him back. I don't care how hard or messed up our relationship was. He is who I want a future with.

I just want him back. I don't care how hard or messed up our relationship was. He is who I want a future with.

I hope at some point you feel differently about this. When you kept returning you walked on eggs shells and didn't trust that you wouldn't have the rug pulled out from beneath you any moment.

At some point you are no longer yourself and trying too hard to please him so he won't leave. If you were insecure before this made it 100x worse.

My guess is if you started making a list of all the things that weren't so perfect about him you might be able to fill a page or two.

You don't want this dynamic back. It's no way to live.

I just want him back. I don't care how hard or messed up our relationship was. He is who I want a future with.

You will do, for a long time and it's different for everyone, just try your damned hardest not to end up like some people who are still upset about it years down the line. That's what has helped me I refuse to care about someone who doesn't want to be with me for more than a few months of standard feelings

that's what I'm afraid of. that I'll never get over him and no one else will ever measure up. and that it's my fault because I ruined it.

The way you describe him seems like a totally different person from how his actions protray him.

Great guys don't act that way. Breaking up so much is typically immaturity or emotional munipulation. Neither are that great.

I just want him back. I don't care how hard or messed up our relationship was. He is who I want a future with.

This is a terrible and self destructive path.

That viewpoint leads to the most unhealthy relationships...

The way you describe him seems like a totally different person from how his actions protray him.

 

Great guys don't act that way. Breaking up so much is typically immaturity or emotional munipulation. Neither are that great.

Immature, maybe a little. But I blame myself for being so insecure in the relationship. Why couldn't I be better? I know that once this cycle started it was impossible. But at the beginning I had a chance to be better. I blame myself for losing him so many times. My life could have been so different had I treated him better.

Immature, maybe a little. But I blame myself for being so insecure in the relationship. Why couldn't I be better? I know that once this cycle started it was impossible. But at the beginning I had a chance to be better. I blame myself for losing him so many times. My life could have been so different had I treated him better.

What did you do that you could have been better at?

Why does the betterment need to be one sided?

If we look at the first question I would be willing to bet that you in fact don't need to be better and that he is not as great as your "breakup goggles" are letting on.

Under no circumstance that I can see would breaking up with you that many times mean anything other than he is an immature. Or at least you had a very destructive relationship.

How long had you been dating?

What did you do that you could have been better at?

 

Why does the betterment need to be one sided?

 

If we look at the first question I would be willing to bet that you in fact don't need to be better and that he is not as great as your "breakup goggles" are letting on.

 

Under no circumstance that I can see would breaking up with you that many times mean anything other than he is an immature. Or at least you had a very destructive relationship.

 

How long had you been dating?

3 years. You can see some of my old posts on here from the last breakups...I've always struggled with the same issues.

Honestly, I was a bit crazy with him. Imagine being with someone you don't trust at all and how paranoid that would make you. That was me. Always stressed, questioning, angry for NO reason, everything he did annoyed the heck out of me. Didn't want to sleep with him.

I guess it's hard because the REASON I didn't trust him came more from myself than him I feel like. Like he was perfect and I had no right to be so insecure and worried.

3 years. You can see some of my old posts on here from the last breakups...I've always struggled with the same issues.

 

Honestly, I was a bit crazy with him. Imagine being with someone you don't trust at all and how paranoid that would make you. That was me. Always stressed, questioning, angry for NO reason, everything he did annoyed the heck out of me. Didn't want to sleep with him.

 

I guess it's hard because the REASON I didn't trust him came more from myself than him I feel like. Like he was perfect and I had no right to be so insecure and worried.

I don't see how great it can be if "everything he did annoyed the neck out of you".

If you have such strong jealous issues maybe go see a counselor to help.

If I couldn't get over my own issues to have a healthy relationship I would try to fix those issues.

I'll read your old posts but I doubt he was as great as you are saying, because most his actions don't seem that great.

I don't see how great it can be if "everything he did annoyed the neck out of you".

 

If you have such strong jealous issues maybe go see a counselor to help.

 

If I couldn't get over my own issues to have a healthy relationship I would try to fix those issues.

 

I'll read your old posts but I doubt he was as great as you are saying, because most his actions don't seem that great.

Thanks @thealchemist.

I am definitely getting help from a counselor. I do have abandonment and attachment issues. I hope I can resolve them while I'm still young so that I don't miss out on my opportunity to find someone and have children with them.

Thanks @thealchemist.

 

I am definitely getting help from a counselor. I do have abandonment and attachment issues. I hope I can resolve them while I'm still young so that I don't miss out on my opportunity to find someone and have children with them.

That's the best you can do right now. Locating and fixing what you did wrong. We don't have to be perfect, not by a long mile, but there are certain things that are just...too much.

In your case, if you can lower your insecurity and jealousy levels to a reasonable degree and recognize when they're acting up, you'll be ready for a better relationship in the future.

How do I know I'll find someone else? I'm so afraid I ruined my shot. And also we have been texting every day since the breakup, and he is still calling me dear. I know it's not helpful but I can't stop. Help

How do I know I'll find someone else? I'm so afraid I ruined my shot. And also we have been texting every day since the breakup, and he is still calling me dear. I know it's not helpful but I can't stop. Help

Well you are never going to move on if you text everyday.

Well you are never going to move on if you text everyday.

I know. I haven't talked to him since Wednesday, although I keep looking at his social media which I know I should stop. It's so hard not to reach out. I just keep thinking about all of our good memories and want to connect with him again.

how old are you, OP?

how old are you, OP?

I'm 23 and we started dating when we were 20.