How to navigate a tricky dating situation

I met this guy three times. And he's progressing things way too fast. Not sexually but romantically. In the one and half weeks we've known each other he has already written to me two and a half poems, and sends several substantial text messages a day. He's very good at keeping in touch, and he is a very good guy overall. But for me too much contact especially with the poems and all the romantic undercurrent is too much. I find myself dreading receiving his texts because I need to reply, and the more texts he sends, the more I withdraw and don't reply.

Initially I liked him, but this liking is getting eroded, the more attention I get. Last date we held hands and kissed lightly, and it was nice. I came home feeling positive that I want to see him again. But since Saturday he's been suffocating me with his presence, and I don't want to reply, and likely I won't want to see him again.

What to do? How do I stay interested in him? And most important how do I tell him it's too much for me without hurting him?

I met this guy three times. And he's progressing things way too fast. Not sexually but romantically. In the one and half weeks we've known each other he has already written to me two and a half poems, and sends several substantial text messages a day. He's very good at keeping in touch, and he is a very good guy overall. But for me too much contact especially with the poems and all the romantic undercurrent is too much. I find myself dreading receiving his texts because I need to reply, and the more texts he sends, the more I withdraw and don't reply.

 

Initially I liked him, but this liking is getting eroded, the more attention I get. Last date we held hands and kissed lightly, and it was nice. I came home feeling positive that I want to see him again. But since Saturday he's been suffocating me with his presence, and I don't want to reply, and likely I won't want to see him again.

 

What to do? How do I stay interested in him? And most important how do I tell him it's too much for me without hurting him?

Don't force it. If your communication styles are different, that's ok. Some women love that type of attention, let him go so he can find someone who will appreciate his attentiveness. It's not a negative thing, it's just not for you.

I don't think it's nessesarily fair to make him change who he is. If a dude I'm not all that into writes me poems I'm going to recoil, but, I dated a man when I was younger who wrote me letters and poems and I loved it, he was actually very talented. The difference, in my opinion, is your interest level, so again I don't think it's fair to make him fit into your expectation when you're already lukewarm.

You shouldn't force interest in someone. You're dreading seeing him for a reason. I see two options:

1. Tell him he's overwhelming you with the gifts - he's a great guy and you want to take things more slowly, or

2. Tell him it isn't working.

I think if I go with 1. I will still feel under pressure because I know his interest is huge. And it will be like when you restrict water. It will only become more torrential after having restricted it, you open the dam.

2 is true for now and feels most right and gives me most relief. I think I will dodge for a little longer, I haven't replied to him since yesterday night, and will make a decision.

Y

 

ou shouldn't force interest in someone. You're dreading seeing him for a reason. I see two options:

 

1. Tell him he's overwhelming you with the gifts - he's a great guy and you want to take things more slowly, or

 

2. Tell him it isn't working.

Don't string him along what ever you do. If you do slow things down and still aren't all that into him let him down easy so you both can find the right person for you.

Funny that a lot of women complain that their guy is not romantic enough and others are cocky jerks.

Be kind when you talk to him

Lost

Eeeeeek...!!!

You've only seen this guy three times, and he's already overwhelming you with romantic gestures. Unfortunately, people who want to move relationships along very fast regardless of how the other person feels, are often commitment-phobes who will vanish from your life once the thrill of the honeymoon period is over, OR they turn out to be emotionally abusive once they feel secure in your affections.

People who genuinely can stay the course and make good partners take their time and get to know the other person before jumping in, heels flying. If you're getting a bad vibe about the relationship, your reasons are probably very sound. One of the problems with this kind of situation is that you'd feel so BAD for cutting down someone who's apparently so whole-hearted in their affections; almost like kicking a puppy!

You can try asking him to cool down a bit, and see if that works - but be prepared for a lot of hurt feelings and possibly guilt-tripping - but if you're still feeling overwhelmed then just tell him that you're not suited, and that all his loving and giving would be best spent on someone else.

If it's any help, people who 'fall in love' very quickly usually find someone else very quickly too...

I'd just tell him politely that this isn't working for you and walk away. When major incompatibility shows up so early, it doesn't get better with time. I'm speaking from personal dating experience. Being a more independent, not a romantic type woman....I really don't know why we tend to attract over the top romantic, sappy guys....thing is that even if you can get them to back off, they won't really stop being over the top emo guys and that clashes with the more independent spirit.

What to do? How do I stay interested in him? And most important how do I tell him it's too much for me without hurting him?

The first thing you have to do is decide what you want! Do you want to stay interested in him, or do you want to send him packing?

I met a guy via online dating a few months back. We matched on Friday night and starting messaging and moved to texting on Saturday. He told me communication would be sporadic because he had family over, which I was fine with, but he then proceeded to text me every ten minutes, often with no response from me (I have a life, too, bud). Before the texting got so prevalent, we arranged a date for Tuesday. He texted me at 6:00 on Sunday morning to tell me he hoped I had a great day, harassed me throughout a party I had told him about (family birthday), and then wanted to talk all night. I point blank stopped responding to him on Monday (Memorial Day) because I had an overfull schedule, and when he was still texting me all day Tuesday at work I had pretty much decided it wasn't going to work out.

Still, he had no idea on the actual date. He was super awkward in person, conversation lagged entirely, and overall the hour it took us to eat our salads felt like a decade of dullness. He fully expected us to do something after, and I had to cut him off and go home. He wasn't real thrilled with me when I texted him the next day to let him know that there was nothing between us.

^ Lol ... God have I have too many experiences of guys coming on strong.

I think it's a red flag. Getting to know someone and liking them properly takes time. When it's too much too soon, they're projecting their hopes and idealism/delusion on to you. It's never flattering and sometimes can come off completely crazy.

I'd stop going out with him.

I absolutely agree with you that all he is doing is projecting his ideals and delusion onto me.

^ Lol ... God have I have too many experiences of guys coming on strong.

 

I think it's a red flag. Getting to know someone and liking them properly takes time. When it's too much too soon, they're projecting their hopes and idealism/delusion on to you. It's never flattering and sometimes can come off completely crazy.

 

I'd stop going out with him.

Thank you so much everybody. You've really helped me understand what's going on and make a decision.

While I was chatting with you here, he texted me about three times and called twice, all of which I ignored. This increased violation of my personal space - I cannot use other words - made me realise what a selfish creep he is. All he wants is to project his ideals and romantic notions onto me, but what i actually feel, and why I may not be responding to him since yesterday, he is not concerned about.

So I told him it doesn't work for me, explained why, and wished him well. And blocked him on whatsapp. The immense sense of relief I felt was like medicine. Until he texted me a long response, which I haven't yet interest or desire to read.

Thank you so much everybody. You've really helped me understand what's going on and make a decision.

 

While I was chatting with you here, he texted me about three times and called twice, all of which I ignored. This increased violation of my personal space - I cannot use other words - made me realise what a selfish creep he is. All he wants is to project his ideals and romantic notions onto me, but what i actually feel, and why I may not be responding to him since yesterday, he is not concerned about.

 

So I told him it doesn't work for me, explained why, and wished him well. And blocked him on whatsapp. The immense sense of relief I felt was like medicine. Until he texted me a long response, which I haven't yet interest or desire to read.

He sounds fake. As a guy with many guy friends, I think that over the top behavior isn't genuine. I know many guys who may act that way and then are pissed if things don't go the way they want because they did "everything right" and blame the girl. That is what I like to call the "nice guy" mentality.

Nice guys are full of sh*t. They do nice things because they have an expectation of reciprocity. Never trust them...

If he is legitimately that way then that is way way to invasive for any healthy person.

There are definitely situations in which constant communication isn't bad, but only if both parties are into it (which I've found is quite rare for extended periods of time). You've made a wise choice.

Well, guys I don't know anymore. After I said to him that it doesn't work for me that it was too much too soon, he understood and backed off. So two days no speak, and I was happy and relieved. Today he texts asking if I can give him another chance, and said he was willing to adapt to my space and pace. Said that I was special and that he cared. I ignored the message, then he calls. My tone of voice wasn't happy and I had to explain again what I felt, and he said that he understood my position, and didn't want to overwhelm me, but just cared about me a bit too much. And asked if we can try and make it work.

I must say it felt nice - the two days of space and a follow up message with a phone call. And the willingness to adapt and work on it. It is rare among guys. I said I would see how I feel, if I go back to what I felt before, I would contact him. If not, not. He understood. No more calls or texts today.

I am thinking to wait a few days, see how I feel, and if he stays NC, then maybe try again.

Well, guys I don't know anymore. After I said to him that it doesn't work for me that it was too much too soon, he understood and backed off. So two days no speak, and I was happy and relieved. Today he texts asking if I can give him another chance, and said he was willing to adapt to my space and pace. Said that I was special and that he cared. I ignored the message, then he calls. My tone of voice wasn't happy and I had to explain again what I felt, and he said that he understood my position, and didn't want to overwhelm me, but just cared about me a bit too much. And asked if we can try and make it work.

 

I must say it felt nice - the two days of space and a follow up message with a phone call. And the willingness to adapt and work on it. It is rare among guys. I said I would see how I feel, if I go back to what I felt before, I would contact him. If not, not. He understood. No more calls or texts today.

 

I am thinking to wait a few days, see how I feel, and if he stays NC, then maybe try again.

The question is whether his personality during the date, matches his excessive communicating between dates? Do you feel suffocated while around him. Does he come across as over the top (already in love with you) while on the date?

I'm not a believer in people changing in order to be with someone, so I would move on. But, it depends on how high your interest level is on him to give it another date (it would have to be pretty high).

The question is whether his personality during the date, matches his excessive communicating between dates? Do you feel suffocated while around him. Does he come across as over the top (already in love with you) while on the date?

 

I'm not a believer in people changing in order to be with someone, so I would move on. But, it depends on how high your interest level is on him to give it another date (it would have to be pretty high).

I was going to say something along these lines.

I don't agree with telling someone you barely know to change their behavior. This is your opportunity to see them and interpret their behavior. Asking them to hide something intrinsic about themselves only prolongs the misery because it is who they are and it's bound to come back after they get tired of hiding it because you asked them to.

I think you did the right thing. People who are that hungry don't really care what they have for dinner.

Not to take anything away from you. The desperation is not a good sign.

That never is the case or I would not have had follow up dates with him or people like him in the past. It is very easy around him - we almost are like twins - both very intellectual with same highly specific interests, same views, same type of humour. I feel like he can be my best friend. BUT I am not that thrilled about his physical looks, while he is about mine. AND I do not get the sense of loving from him that I need to feel emotionally connected. Like when he asks a question about my upbringing and I give him off the shelf answer to see if he baits, he does, is satisfied with it, and doesn't ask any more questions. To me it's an indicator of someone who doesn't want to get to know me on a deeper level than superficial. For me loving someone is more than writing elated poems for them. By the way I cringe at his poems so they are mawkishly romantic.

Yet our conversations are always very engaging, and when he talks - he is very bright - I catch myself admiring him and wanting to kiss him. Also he is very generous, attentive and as I came to see, wants to get involved in my date to day life.

I don't think it's the case of "having anything for dinner when one is hungry". He's a hedge fund manager, and normally wouldn't have lack of people to date. I think, rather that he sees myself very alike to himself, but I am woman, and an attractive woman, and the sense of desperation arises from this.

The question is whether his personality during the date, matches his excessive communicating between dates? Do you feel suffocated while around him. Does he come across as over the top (already in love with you) while on the date?

 

I'm not a believer in people changing in order to be with someone, so I would move on. But, it depends on how high your interest level is on him to give it another date (it would have to be pretty high).

He might be all that and a bag of chips, Broomwood, but if something doesn't mesh well then it doesn't mesh well.

At this point it feels like it could go either way. Either you're right and he's just really into you because you're his perfect girl, or SoulTaker is right and he's trying to change his neediness in order to get you. If it's the latter, that neediness is going to come back out and start annoying you in the future.

Go with your gut.

I think the problem here is that you think it is tricky. If you experience that reaction of not wanting to hear from someone it's not tricky at all. It's extremely simple. After 1.5 weeks he's a near stranger. So you tell this near stranger with politeness and tact "thanks so much for your messages and I don't think we're a good match. I wish you well and take care.". The more you tell yourself it is at all complicated and tricky the less you will respect what your brain and body are trying to scream to you.

BUT I am not that thrilled about his physical looks, while he is about mine. AND I do not get the sense of loving from him that I need to feel emotionally connected. Like when he asks a question about my upbringing and I give him off the shelf answer to see if he baits, he does, is satisfied with it, and doesn't ask any more questions. To me it's an indicator of someone who doesn't want to get to know me on a deeper level than superficial. For me loving someone is more than writing elated poems for them. By the way I cringe at his poems so they are mawkishly romantic.

 

Yet our conversations are always very engaging, and when he talks - he is very bright - I catch myself admiring him and wanting to kiss him. Also he is very generous, attentive and as I came to see, wants to get involved in my date to day life.

 

I don't think it's the case of "having anything for dinner when one is hungry". He's a hedge fund manager, and normally wouldn't have lack of people to date. I think, rather that he sees myself very alike to himself, but I am woman, and an attractive woman, and the sense of desperation arises from this.

Yep, that's my take on how he's reacting to you. He might have plenty of people to date, but he's rarely had someone of your caliber (brains & beauty) to be around. And he's going to do anything, and everything he can to show you that he wants to be with you, which is why he is over-reacting.

. . And you've basically admitted that you aren't that interested in him but instead like the way the attention feels.

You seem to understand this more about his neediness or wanting what he perceives as a prize.

But in the end it doesn't seem that either of you are operating in a genuine way.

The only reason to regard this as 'tricky' is your own response to flattery and manipulation.

You sound both repulsed and attracted to his pushiness. He's adapting his pushiness in form, but it's still the same thing.

Thank you lovely people for some more views and opinions.

I am done with him. After my initial message to him of "It's too much too soon. I need my space and freedom. Please give me a few days to understand how I feel" he waited two days, and back in the game texting that he was really missing me and so on. This was the last straw. I responded and said that I still feel the same, and that should my feelings change and I want to see him, I'll reach out. But that I wouldn't count on it.

I feel very relieved. Batya you are right, I was actively avoiding my visceral bodily reaction to him, trying to rationalise myself into a potential relationship.

Guys, I omitted one important piece of information, and if anyone knows what to do, I'll be forever grateful. I'm still hung up on a guy I had dated some time earlier. He is a sever commitment phobe, but I didn't realise this until much later when I was already hooked. We have intense physical and mental chemistry, but he wouldn't date me properly because he's scared. We tried, and I broke it off. I then tried to get over him, and I was unable. So I back-pedalled. Tried to get back with him, and it only got to monthly meetings. After our first meeting after break up, he disappeared, and I tried again most diligently and wholeheartedly to get over him, and failed. Hence our next meeting in July. That one was so intense, and I saw that he really cares. After it he disappeared again. Since then I've been really really trying. But it's like a disease. He is constantly in my head. Constantly. It drains my mental energy so much. This time I'm staying strong, blocked him on whatsapp. But after he has reached out by email (in August), pissed that I blocked him and wondering what had happened. I replied in September saying that I was hurt and wanted to stay away, and told him to see a shrink. And since then he's back in my head, and I keep checking my emails. This is the most absurd I ever had.

Mainly I want to know how can I kill this obsession. Anyone has any experience of this? How long it typically lasts? It has never happened to me before that I could not get over someone if I really really wanted to. So I am not dating anyone now, taking a break. No point, it seems.