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Nicole827

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So my boyfriend is 21 years older than me. I just turned 27 and he is 48. I've heard all my life how mature I am and I got bored with my generation before I even turned 21. I am also a single mom, which plays its part. I love on my own and take care of myself. We've been together about 2 years with two breaks in between. He was married for 17 years, has two children he helped raise from that union and his biological son is 25, yes a two year difference. He has raised a family, purchased homes, traveled the world, he's done it all. His initial interest in me was probably physical and sexual but now it's grown to much more. My interest was to have fun and do things I can't do with people my own age. Here's the problem: I believe he is insecure. Insecure about his age compared to mine, whether or not he can trust me, what's to come in the next couple of years. I'm in love with him but I don't want to spend my good years trying to wait on him to decide if he wants me permanently. I've tried over and over to reassure him that I only want him and I'm not interested in anyone else. But like any other man, he is going to move at his own pace. I'm looking forward to marriage and having more kids. I don't want to sell myself short missing out on things I want out of a relationship. Two weeks ago he told me our relationship status was "undetermined". After 2 years. This pissed me off. I need to know. Am I just buying time? How long should I wait before moving on?

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If you knew he was never going to marry you how long would you stay with him? That is your answer and when that time is up or nearly up you tell him in a pleasant way that you are moving on and if he wants to contact you he knows where to find you and only to contact you if he wants to marry you. Also what is your plan for the future as far as the strong likelihood that you will be his caretaker when you are still middle aged? Also have you looked into the increased risks of conceiving a baby with a man in his 50s?

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Two weeks ago he told me our relationship status was "undetermined". After 2 years. This pissed me off. I need to know. Am I just buying time? How long should I wait before moving on?

 

 

Ok, so being told you're mature doesn't actually mean you're as mature as people who are older than you and have more life experiences than you. The fact is, he is with you for your youth and only that because he does not take you or the relationship seriously. He's not insecure, he's just done with all the things you want and doesn't want to do it again.

 

You've wasted enough time on him.

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You do know unfortunately you are not willing to accept it. He is only with you for casual fun. Outside of that, your life goals are completely different. He is done with everything you still want to do. So, you do need to stop wasting your time with him, part ways nicely and pursue your own life goals. If you want to get married and have more children, you need to look for a man closer to your own age who is ready and willing. This guy.....he is thinking retirement and you are thinking marriage and family. The two of you aren't even on the same planet as far as life stage and life goals go. It's been fun, but it's high time to say good bye.

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I think your assessment is right -- the attraction was physical -- he got to sleep with and have a young woman as arm candy. I am sure he genuinely cares for you -- but in the end the divide is too big.

How long as he been divorced, by the way?

 

If i were you, i would stop reassuring him and decide what i want -- you want to marry at some point and have more kids with a guy who loves you, is sure about you and will also be an excellent stepdad to you child.

 

I don't think at 27 you are mature for your age -- you can say that about a 19 year old - but you are fully an adult in your late 20s -- an adult is an adult and someone approaching 30 is not really considered "less mature" than another adult -- less life experiences maybe. I was very intellectually mature and didn't related to people my own age in my teens, but as i got into my mid to late 20s it all evened out. There are many mid 20s to mid 30s guys that would be an appropriate age and would like to find their future wife, or even a guy who is later 30s and didn't have a family and wants one.

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It could also be that he needs more time to commit? I'm older than you but younger than him. In my experience your only beginning to get to know someone within 2 years. Too many people rush into the deep end within a few years of knowing someone, only to divorce with kids a few years later.

 

But if you want kids now, then you'll have to meet someone who also wants kids now.

 

As for insecure about you leaving him, well that's always a possibility as people come and go. If he can be secure about that, ironically its less likely to happen.

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If you want marriage/kids, I don't think this is gonna work. I spent a few years with an older man but we were in an established relationship and I am not seeking marriage/kids. He had raised two step kids and was long divorced - he didn't want a do-over. And I don't blame him.

 

I think he's hesitant, as you said, about trusting you and I think the fact that you want marriage/kids/whole shebang is not really compatible with what he wants, as evidenced by his inability to commit to you fully.

 

Sorry you're going through this.

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It would be easier for me to make decision if I thought that's how he felt. He once got upset with me because he felt like I wasn't "serious" (one of our breaks) and we stopped talking for a couple months. Now we've been back on for almost 7 months straight I've done my damnest to prove I'm not about games. Now it seems like he is the one holding back

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Ok, so being told you're mature doesn't actually mean you're as mature as people who are older than you and have more life experiences than you. The fact is, he is with you for your youth and only that because he does not take you or the relationship seriously. He's not insecure, he's just done with all the things you want and doesn't want to do it again.

 

You've wasted enough time on him.

 

Here's the thing... I've gone through the checklist with him.

More kids? 2nd marriage? Everything in between. And at that time his answer was "yes". Now I look back and feels like he was giving me false promises just to get me to be with him. Even during our break, he called me over and over and over again until I gave in. I didn't make it easy for him at all. From November-February and I finally forgave him. This is why I'm so confused! This is why I say "insecure" because when we are together everything is great. But when the big topic comes up, this is where things go left.

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You're right. He has done everything and I've asked him does he see himself doing it again. He was so sure before and now he is not. I have a child so I definitely wouldn't be dragging either one of them into each others lives if it felt like he was never serious. And nothing between us has changed, we spend time together, talk on the phone, we even watch the same tv shows (believe or not). So I don't get what the issue is it's driving me crazy

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It would be easier for me to make decision if I thought that's how he felt. He once got upset with me because he felt like I wasn't "serious" (one of our breaks) and we stopped talking for a couple months. Now we've been back on for almost 7 months straight I've done my damnest to prove I'm not about games. Now it seems like he is the one holding back

 

My ex was a commitmentphobe - watch out for someone who always is trying to get you to jump through hoops - to prove yourself. Because what happens is when you have met a requirement, they will raise the bar so you can't meet it to prevent them form committing. he is trying to throw things back on you. You have nothing that you should have to prove to him. Not one bit. you want to be married and have a sibling for your child. You don't have to stay or do anything beyond that as far as that is concerned except finding a man who wants the same. he doesn't want the same. And even if he does marry you, he could decide at 50 he doesn't want a child. And you will be crushed again.

 

BTW, commitmentphobes sometimes do marry -- but then they leave the marriage or don't fully commit to it and therefore push their spouse to leave. There is a poster here who married and now that they are married, the spouse thinks he made a mistake -- is living at parents, etc.

 

I think instead of focusing on if you are worthy -- face some facts --- does a man who has a child that is a two year age difference from you see you as an equal? Does he really want to have kids again or do you think he wants to focus on the grandkids that are going to start coming and not doing it all over? I really think if you stay with him, you will be back here in a year or two talking about the same issues.

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You're right. He has done everything and I've asked him does he see himself doing it again. He was so sure before and now he is not. I have a child so I definitely wouldn't be dragging either one of them into each others lives if it felt like he was never serious. And nothing between us has changed, we spend time together, talk on the phone, we even watch the same tv shows (believe or not). So I don't get what the issue is it's driving me crazy

 

Because he was never really sure. If he was sure, and he REALLY wanted more kids, he would have put a ring on your finger, even if the wedding wasn't til next year. I know it takes time to get to know someone, but a man in his late 40s is mature enough to know what he wants. If he was serious about kids, he'd want to marry and get started just in case he has fertility issues after 50.

When a man wants marriage and kids, he goes and looks for a wife. And he doubly wants to show a woman who already has a kid that he is serious --- I wouldn't pressure him - its not about that --- Its about that he's not the right guy and you are trying to make him the right guy. Also, when you are 40 and looking hot, do you want to be hanging out with a 60+ year old? No, you'll be looking at 48 year old guys.

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You're right. He has done everything and I've asked him does he see himself doing it again. He was so sure before and now he is not. I have a child so I definitely wouldn't be dragging either one of them into each others lives if it felt like he was never serious. And nothing between us has changed, we spend time together, talk on the phone, we even watch the same tv shows (believe or not). So I don't get what the issue is it's driving me crazy

 

There is only one "issue" -he is not interested in marrying you. He might not be interested in marriage generally, he might be a commitmentphobe -but you are not his therapist or analyst so even though the reason might end up hurting your ego, the reality is that he very likely doesn't want to marry you. You want marriage. That incompatibility is the only issue, and it is a dealbreaker. No need to drive yourself crazy and I'm sorry this is stressful for you!

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There is only one "issue" -he is not interested in marrying you. He might not be interested in marriage generally, he might be a commitmentphobe -but you are not his therapist or analyst so even though the reason might end up hurting your ego, the reality is that he very likely doesn't want to marry you. You want marriage. That incompatibility is the only issue, and it is a dealbreaker. No need to drive yourself crazy and I'm sorry this is stressful for you!

 

It has NOTHING to do with your worth - your intelligence, your personality, beauty (inner and outer) and your personality - in otherwords, what you have to bring to the table. You found a guy who was just looking for fun who satisfied your want for someone older -- and he is not looking for more than originally stated.

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  • 3 weeks later...

How is your relationship "undetermined" after two years but at the same time he wants more kids and to get married again? Who does he want to do these things with? Obviously not you. He's unsure of you and makes you "prove" yourself ?

 

You aren't as experienced as you think you are. An experienced and mature woman or man would never demean themselves by "proving" their commitment to someone who hasn't made a commitment to them after two years. He should be proving his commitment to YOU. What do you have to prove? That you're ok with "undetermined"?

 

He's playing head games to keep you on a string. A few serious relationships from now you will be able to see that more clearly. He's treating you like a child...like you have to earn your "allowance". Prove you love me and are committed to me but I won't commit to you. I'll just say I want those things and dangle them in front of you awhile longer so I can keep stroking my ego with my young hot "not girlfriend".

 

When you stand your ground, he will blame you for pushing too hard and break up with you because you were rushing him into more. He will say that he wanted those things but now he doesn't anymore with you because you have shown him you can't be patient and consider his needs....he will say you can't stand by him.

 

He would never get away with this with a woman closer to his age because she wouldn't waste her precious time on this "undetermined" situation. You are young and he knows you aren't going to rush him because you are so young (no clock ticking) and you already have one child.

 

Leave him alone. Find someone worthy of your time and your heart. No matter what the age, you deserve better. I hope you see that and see it soon. It is glaringly obvious to an outsider. He's playing you for a fool.

 

Good luck and good love.

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Man, if my current relationship does not work out long-term, I hope I can pull off what this dude did. 21 year gap... damn... *high 5 my man*. (Obviously not now LOL.. I am only 30... that would be just... wrong....)

 

On another note, OP... move on. This guy won't marry and have children with you... at least it doesn't look like he will.

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