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Friend took advantage of me while I was blackout


Abs5228

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okay so there's this guy who's liked me for a while now but I don't feel the same way and Because of that we decided to just stay as friends. We've known each other for 3 years and I've always thought of him as a good friend and a really good guy. But last night he really showed his true colours...

Last night him and his friends came to my place to drink with my roommates and I and the plan was that we'd all go down town. At first everything was great and fun but once we got to the bar I started feeling very intoxicated and decided that I should go home. So my roommate and I got on the bus and went home while the guys stayed at the bar. I texted my "friend" once we got home saying that I was too drunk and needed to go to bed and told him that there are blankets in the living room and they can stay on the couches. That's the last thing I remember but from what my roommate told me was that I spent about 30 minutes throwing up, and then passed out in my own bed.

The next morning I wake up naked beside my "friend" and I had an awful feeling about what had happened that night. I woke up in tears and left him asleep in my bed. He got up and acted like nothing had happened and left.

I'm now feeling so confused and hurt about what happened and really don't know what to do because I really never saw this coming from him. I feel stupid for letting myself get that drunk but I thought I made it pretty clear to him and really don't know what he was thinking.

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WOW! Rape alert! Rape alert!!!!! Seriously, why are you talking to us on here?! Honey, go to the police now. You were definitely raped by him. No one goes home drunk with their roommate, throws up and then passes out on their own bed while all of your other friends (including the rapist "friend") are out, then expect to wake up naked to a "friend". You went to bed, blacked out. You cannot consent to sex in that state and he did take advantage of you like that. You should at the very least feel safe alone in your own freaking bed at the end of the night.

 

Please, I beg you: go to the cops. Don't shower so they can perform a rape kit, and take the morning after pill, which can be found at a local CVS, Walgreen's, Rite Aid etc. I bet that SOB didn't use protection at all. Get a STD panel performed as well.

 

I am so sorry! Please do right by you. He is acting normal so you won't freak out on him and go to the police. Don't talk to him. Straight to the station. He will try to worm his way out of this one and try to convince you of all kinds of things like this was what you wanted, you initiated or I didn't rape you...all bull!!!! This is all cut and clear. This is definitely rape. You are not at fault and in no way wanted this.

 

P.S. Don't delete those texts to him. You said 1) you were drunk and 2) told him to sleep on the couch, not to go to your bed. This is good evidence to support your case. Also, a rape kit could also still be performed if you've already taken a shower anyway, just better if you don't. Sperm can live in there for a while. Just go ASAP.

 

My heart goes out to you. I worry for your safety.

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It doesn't look like the OP or anyone responding here understands the difference between blacked out and passed out. If you are looking for support and figuring out how to deal with this I would suggest you go to a rape crisis center first not the police.

 

You are making no point here. Pass out and black out are synonymous....they both mean to lose consciousness and are frequently used interchangeably. Yes, the OP lost consciousness since she cannot remember how this "friend" got her naked and crawled into bed with her. Are you sure you know the definitions?

 

She needs to go to the police so they can perform a rape kit on her before it's too late to get one because sperm only lives in the vagina for a short period of time (few days, give or take depending on autonomy). As well as reporting the incident so the perpetrator doesn't get away with the wrong he's done. The crisis center will refer her to the police, but might as well cut out the middle man to save time because it is of the essence here.

 

BTW, here's one of the definitions for blackout for your future reference:

 

Blackout:

"a transient dulling or loss of vision, consciousness, or memory - an alcoholic blackout" (Merriam-Webster)

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Explain to me how it is possible to drive home drunk but have no memory of it? Are you saying this person drove while he was unconscious? All the OP is saying I have no memory of the night before, we don't know what happened because the OP has no memory of the night before. Getting very drunk can interfere with the brain's ability to make long term memories. The OP may have passed out at some point but really don't know when. Just like it is possible to make decisions to get into a vehicle when very drunk she could have been making decisions. We don't know based on what the OP has told us.

 

 

Re-read your definition. What do you think "or memory" stands for and why it was put in there?

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Explain to me how it is possible to drive home drunk but have no memory of it? Are you saying this person drove while he was unconscious? All the OP is saying I have no memory of the night before, we don't know what happened because the OP has no memory of the night before. Getting very drunk can interfere with the brain's ability to make long term memories. The OP may have passed out at some point but really don't know when. Just like it is possible to make decisions to get into a vehicle when very drunk she could have been making decisions. We don't know based on what the OP has told us.

 

 

Re-read your definition. What do you think "or memory" stands for and why it was put in there?

 

Dude, she took a bus and her roommate helped her "So my roommate and I got on the bus and went home while the guys stayed at the bar". She didn't drive. I still don't see anywhere explaining your point in using passing out instead of blacking out, which are synonyms to each other.

 

Alcohol interfere's with SHORT term memory, not long term. Over time as an alcoholic it could start to affect long term memory, but this is one night we're talking about here. Alcohol affects the brain in stages over a short period of time (hours). After drinking enough of it, you lose certain functions of different parts of the brain, and then lastly you black/pass out, which means the person goes into an unconscious state (can't voluntarily move or make any decisions).

 

The OP knows when she blacked/passed out (on her bed) AND her roommate knows (on her bed after the OP threw up). She has a witness to attest to her being in bed alone. Then her "friend" magically appears in her bed after she blacked/passed out after drinking too much. What is your point here? Like I said, this needs to be reported officially because the "friend" is a definite rapist. He should have never gone to her room. Period. She did not invite him, in fact told him specifically to sleep on the couch outside of her room, because she was unconscious after the alcohol took its affect. Is your point he's possibly not a rapist? After lying in bed with a previously unconscious, naked girl the next morning who has no idea how she got that way after knowing she was alone in her bed the night before?

 

"Or memory" was put in there because drinking too much can lead to alcohol poisoning, which affects short term memory. The definition is also preceded with the word "transient", which means "lasting only for a short time; impermanent". I still don't see where you're going with this (her memory isn't reliable-even though she has a witness that does remember what she did, which was sleeping alone in her bed at the end of the night??)....but I think I know who I'm arguing with now....

 

"A good councillor at a rape crisis centre would explain this to her."

Explain what?? That she was raped and should report it officially so they can persecute the guy? Or to expect to be unwillingly molested after you have drunkenly gone into your own bed in a separate room earlier in the night if you expect friends that include men to crash over later (which is illegal)?

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@yatsue You are making a basic assumption about alcoholic blackout that is simply NOT true. That the reason why the OP couldn't remember what happened is proof she was unconscious. Even when you read her account taking it as true we know there was a point during the evening when she was conscious but could not remember. She had to be told by her room mate that she had been puking, stuff that she does not remember. You can't puke when you are unconscious, just like you can't drive home when you are passed out, yet we know these people have no recollection of what happened the night before. Consuming large amounts of alcohol can interfere with long term memory formation in the brain. I am not talking about childhood memories, but memories needed to remember what you did the night before.

 

I didn't say she drove home, I used it as an example to demonstrate that people do things, make decisions, are conscious, but due to alcoholic consumption can not remember doing so. Just like the OP could not remember puking. She has no memory of doing so.

 

I am not making a claim that he is or is not a rapist, I wasn't there and the OP doesn't remember what happened. There aren't a lot o details there about what the room mate actually witnessed, but unless they had a threesome, she may not know all that much.

 

The main point that I am making is to have some basic knowledge about alcoholic blackout that seems to be lacking here.

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@yatsue You are making a basic assumption about alcoholic blackout that is simply NOT true. That the reason why the OP couldn't remember what happened is proof she was unconscious. Even when you read her account taking it as true we know there was a point during the evening when she was conscious but could not remember. She had to be told by her room mate that she had been puking, stuff that she does not remember. You can't puke when you are unconscious, just like you can't drive home when you are passed out, yet we know these people have no recollection of what happened the night before. Consuming large amounts of alcohol can interfere with long term memory formation in the brain. I am not talking about childhood memories, but memories needed to remember what you did the night before.

 

I didn't say she drove home, I used it as an example to demonstrate that people do things, make decisions, are conscious, but due to alcoholic consumption can not remember doing so. Just like the OP could not remember puking. She has no memory of doing so.

 

I am not making a claim that he is or is not a rapist, I wasn't there and the OP doesn't remember what happened. There aren't a lot o details there about what the room mate actually witnessed, but unless they had a threesome, she may not know all that much.

 

The main point that I am making is to have some basic knowledge about alcoholic blackout that seems to be lacking here.

 

Hahaha I see now. It is your misunderstanding. I NEVER once said she was unconscious before the alcohol induced sleeping occurred. I said she went to her own bed and blacked out. Meaning, she fell asleep in her bed (the correct term is black out, or pass out if you prefer) due to all of the alcohol overwhealming her system. She didn't just normally fall asleep like an individual not under the influence. Alcohol made her earlier memory lacking in some areas because it was starting to affect her brain over time. Alcohol also made her fall asleep in a drunken stupor, and she did it on her own bed, rendering her unconscious at that point. In that state, she is unconscious because of excessive amounts of alcohol impairing her body. You cannot make conscious decisions at that point because your brain is under the influence to such an extent. Most people understand you can't just stick it in a person who has blacked/passed out from alcohol due to this very reason, which is what happened here.

 

I am curious, what is your definition of an alcoholic blackout? Why does it not apply in this case, whereas you said passing out is more appropriate? I still don't see why you want to use passing out instead because, like I said before, they mean the same thing.

 

"Consuming large amounts of alcohol can interfere with long term memory formation in the brain. I am not talking about childhood memories, but memories needed to remember what you did the night before."

-Seriously, you need to know memories associated with a night before is categorized as SHORT term memory, not LONG term:

 

"Alcohol and drug abuse, concussions and other trauma to the head can impact short-term memory. Medical conditions such as seizures, epilepsy, heart bypass surgery and depression can also impact short-term memory. One of the first signs of dementia is short-term memory loss.

 

People who have been victims of or witnessed a traumatic event such as a violent crime or accident can also have their short-term memories affected.

 

Short-term vs. long-term memory

 

Short-term memory is the information that a person is currently thinking about or is aware of. It is also called primary or active memory. Recent events and sensory data such as sounds are stored in short-term memory. Short-term memory often encompasses events over a period anywhere from 30 seconds to several days." (Livescience.com)

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Hahaha I see now. It is your misunderstanding. I NEVER once said she was unconscious before the alcohol induced sleeping occurred. I said she went to her own bed and blacked out. Meaning, she fell asleep in her bed (the correct term is black out, or pass out if you prefer)

 

Short-term memory is the information that a person is currently thinking about or is aware of. It is also called primary or active memory. Recent events and sensory data such as sounds are stored in short-term memory. Short-term memory often encompasses events over a period anywhere from 30 seconds to several days." (Livescience.com)

 

We don't know that because the OP doesn't remember, she doesn't remember puking beforehand. We know that the "blackout" occurred beforehand before she passed out in her bed.

 

It is bizarre that the lifescience.com definition states that short term memory encompasses several days when everything else in the definition that they use contradicts it.

 

Right after in the definition they state " According to "Memory Loss & the Brain," a newsletter from the Memory Disorders Project at Rutgers University, short-term memory can store anywhere from five to nine items."

 

Memory that you have over the past several days are countless items not five to nine. I don't have an answer except to say I have not seen it anywhere else, and they are contracting themselves in their own definition.

 

 

I have looked at several dictionary definitions, how stuff works, wiki, psychology today etc. and they all say it is the memory of the things you are dealing with in the moment about 18 or so seconds like remembering a phone number, or when you are confronted with a problem and you have to make a decision on it in the moment. None of the other sources mention that short term memory is memory that encompasses several days.

 

While being very drunk doesn't seem to interfere with short term memory needed to make decisions like getting into a vehicle to drive home, or even driving where you have to make countless decisions in the moment. It does seem to interfere with how short term memory passes into long term memory like remembering the night before.

 

Researches interviewed people that were drunk asked them where they were who they were talking to and they were aware and capable of making decisions. A few minutes later they were asked if they remembered the interview and many could not. A sober person should have been. It is different than trauma where in a very rare case someone is not able to recall long term memories that had been formed. What seems to happen in very drunk people that the short term memory simply doesn't transfer to long term in the first place. They do have the capacity to make decisions because the short term memory seems to be working. This is very importan tlegally when we want to hold people accountable for drunk driving for example.

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This argument is stupid. Regardless she couldn't consent so anything that happened is rape.

 

No the point is we don't know what happened, the OP doesn't remember. The point is when you go out and do some heavy drinking you may not remember everything you did the night before. Your argument is stupid, you are saying because the OP could not remember what she did, she could not have consented. That is about as stupid to say, people don't decide to drive home drink if they can't remember. I am not saying she did or did not consent, I am saying we don't know, and the OP doesn't know, she doesn't remember.

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No the point is we don't know what happened, the OP doesn't remember. The point is when you go out and do some heavy drinking you may not remember everything you did the night before. Your argument is stupid, you are saying because the OP could not remember what she did, she could not have consented. That is about as stupid to say, people don't decide to drive home drink if they can't remember. I am not saying she did or did not consent, I am saying we don't know, and the OP doesn't know, she doesn't remember.

 

Nope. You're wrong. If you're too drunk to remember you are TOO DRUNK TO CONSENT.

 

Bolded for emphasis.

 

You're wrong. The end. That's the law. Your opinion doesn't matter.

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Nope. You're wrong. If you're too drunk to remember you are TOO DRUNK TO CONSENT.

 

Bolded for emphasis.

 

You're wrong. The end. That's the law. Your opinion doesn't matter.

 

If would be a very scary thing if the law is that you are not responsible for the things you do when you are drunk where you could just say I was too drunk to remember.

 

It would be a terrible injustice if one of your loved ones got run over by a drunk driver and he is completely off the hook because he wasn't legally responsible because he was too drunk to remember.

 

It is not what the law says. The law doesn't say if you can't remember you didn't consent. The law says (in most places and cases): If you are incapacitated by too much alcohol or drugs you can't consent which is obvious.

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If would be a very scary thing if the law is that you are not responsible for the things you do when you are drunk where you could just say I was too drunk to remember.

 

It would be a terrible injustice if one of your loved ones got run over by a drunk driver and he is completely off the hook because he wasn't legally responsible because he was too drunk to remember.

 

It is not what the law says. The law doesn't say if you can't remember you didn't consent. The law says (in most places and cases): If you are incapacitated by too much alcohol or drugs you can't consent which is obvious.

 

Yes. Exactly. If you are too drunk to remember you're literally incapacitated.

 

Your argument is absurd.

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Now the COMMITERS of crimes are responsible whether they are drunk or not . But the VICTIMS of crimes are never responsible .

 

 

In this instance we don't know if a crime has been committed because the OP has no recollection of what happened. You can't in the one instance say you are responsible for the things you do when you are drunk and in other instances you are not responsible just to suit your narrative. Either you are responsible for the things you do or you are not. What makes you responsible is knowing where you are what you are doing, who you are doing it with in the moment. It is not relevant if you can recall what you did the next day or not, it is not even relevant whether the things you do are good or bad.

 

If you want to make the argument that people are not responsible for the things they do when drunk, you better be prepared to accept that people are not responsible for committing crimes when they are dunk. In this instance we don't know what the OP did or decided, or not decided to do when she was drunk. Whatever it was that she did, she is still responsible for.

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In this instance we don't know if a crime has been committed because the OP has no recollection of what happened. You can't in the one instance say you are responsible for the things you do when you are drunk and in other instances you are not responsible just to suit your narrative. Either you are responsible for the things you do or you are not. What makes you responsible is knowing where you are what you are doing, who you are doing it with in the moment. It is not relevant if you can recall what you did the next day or not, it is not even relevant whether the things you do are good or bad.

 

If you want to make the argument that people are not responsible for the things they do when drunk, you better be prepared to accept that people are not responsible for committing crimes when they are dunk. In this instance we don't know what the OP did or decided, or not decided to do when she was drunk. Whatever it was that she did, she is still responsible for.

We are talking about crimes here . Criminals and victims . You're not understanding the difference between a criminal and a victim . You come onto every rape thread and insist it's not a crime . Why??? Why do you hate women so much ?

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I am not even going to respond to that, in all likelihood a moderator will delete that rhetorical question. If you don't know what rhetorical means, it means you are not asking a question you are making a statement.

 

The reason why I posted about alcoholic blackout is knowledge is empowering, it was clear to me that the people posting don't understand what alcoholic blackout is. They think it has something to do with passing out and being incapacitated, and being powerless. Also taking responsibility is freeing and empowering. We are not talking about crimes here because we don't know what happened.

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I am not even going to respond to that, in all likelihood a moderator will delete that rhetorical question. If you don't know what rhetorical means, it means you are not asking a question you are making a statement.

 

The reason why I posted about alcoholic blackout is knowledge is empowering, it was clear to me that the people posting don't understand what alcoholic blackout is. They think it has something to do with passing out and being incapacitated, and being powerless. Also taking responsibility is freeing and empowering. We are not talking about crimes here because we don't know what happened.

I can see what you are implying with the difference between alcohol impairment and total blacking out. But let us assume that this was a huge misunderstanding and it isn't as it appears from the OPs description.

 

If she thinks she was raped, under any circumstance, she should go get checked ASAP. The proof deteriates fairly quickly so why would you wait? If there is even a chance then for evidence gathering purposes you should assume it happened and try to get as much proof as possible. Guilt can be determined after, proof can not be viable later.

 

If she is wrong and it isn't what it seems to be then great for her. But that is no reason to delay her getting affirmation.

 

If everyone followed your advice then no person could ever be convicted of rape unless in the most extremely blatant cases, which is such a small minority of cases.

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