abusive or not? pretty confused

Hi, Thanks for your thoughts in advance.

My girlfriend is an amazing woman, and I love her. But she has a bit of a temper. She'll get upset by the slightest thing and start accusing me of being thoughtless or selfish, this sort of thing. Anyhow the other weekend we go away, long walks in the mountains, really nice. She jokingly yanks my thumb in a slightly painful way (some sort of self-defense thumb lock) when I say something annoying, and that's funny. Happens a few times - no big deal, like a dig in the ribs. But then later she jokes about us having 7 kids, and I joke "let's not get carried away" (clearly joking - we don't have any kids and have only been together a few months). She gets upset about my joke, saying it's not fair to say (this is the kind of thing she'll quickly get upset about). I'm like "baby I was only joking, come on", at which point she twists my thumb so hard that I scream. A week later it still hurts - she damaged a ligament in the thumb.

Now, I was very upset about this - no girl has ever physically hurt me before in an argument. I bring it up and she laughs, and says I'm exaggerating. Pretty humiliating (even to have to bring it up). The next morning, though, she wants me to do something and says "if you don't get it done I'm going to punch you in the face". I can't tell if I'm exaggerating and she's joking, or what on earth is going on. If a guy did this to a girl friend of mine, I'd tell her to leave him immediately and never look back (if not get a barring order on him). But as a guy, this is very confusing.

Thoughts? Thanks.

Thoughts?

If this was a woman describing a mans actions we would all be screaming at her to get the hell out of it now , this is a sign of things to come and if you choose to ignore the red flags you are in for a life of abuse .

So makes no difference that you are a man saying it about a female ..I am still screaming , get the hell out .

If you really feel like I am being OTT , then you have to talk to her and tell her not to threaten you with violence , no matter how it may hurt your pride , men get abused as well .

Yes, she is abusive. I would get out now.

Jesus are you kidding me? Lose her NOW.

Threats of abuse and actual abuse committed by ANYONE on another person is abuse. You don't deserve any of that . Just leave her immediately today . It will only get worse .

To add to my post mate ..I do as I say , I have being abused in my past many times .......now ..having learnt many a hard lesson , one word , one threat , friendship or relationship and I would be out the door .

It shouldn't be confusing as a guy. A self-respecting guy who also appreciates that a grown woman isn't their kid niece trying to shove you after you called her a dork doesn't put up with this kind of ****. As you're seeing with your thumb, a woman doesn't need to be Ronda Rousey to do damage.

I dated a lady who liked to punch my shoulder. She wasn't doing her best Mike Tyson or anything, but there was obvious intent to cause discomfort. I let it slide once because I'm actually OK with a very gentle shove or a completely pulled jab to the shoulder... something that's equally its own joke. But, just like this whole thing with your thumb, it wasn't about a joke, it was about a physical outlet. You shut that kind of crap down real quick because all it does is establish a baseline for that kind of habit to progress from. And, ideally, you'd dump that person the moment you know that's actually a natural inclination of theirs.

So, yes, take it seriously when she says she'd punch you in the face. She's already laughing at the fact she caused ligament damage. I'd strongly suggest leaving her. You're either a) going to end up hurt or b) getting arrested bruising her while defending yourself. This is who she is a few months in. Imagine how it could be a year from now.

Hmm, thanks alot for these thoughts. To be fair I think she was joking when she said she'd punch me (although it freaked me out that she said it, in the context of her hurting my thumb), and I really don't think she realized she hurt me (she had done the same thing a few times and it didn't bother me, it was a joke; although, the last time she did it out of anger not playing, and I did scream which was pretty hard to miss... ). Eh, does this make any difference?

Hmm, thanks alot for these thoughts. To be fair I think she was joking when she said she'd punch me (although it freaked me out that she said it, in the context of her hurting my thumb), and I really don't think she realized she hurt me (she had done the same thing a few times and it didn't bother me, it was a joke; although, the last time she did it out of anger not playing, and I did scream which was pretty hard to miss... ). Eh, does this make any difference?

^^^ This is the first step in denial ...you blurt it all out ....then try and defend and make excuses .

You tell us .... does it make a difference ? It has played on your mind enough to turn to this community , follow your gut mate , we can't make the decision for you .

Hmm, thanks alot for these thoughts. To be fair I think she was joking when she said she'd punch me (although it freaked me out that she said it, in the context of her hurting my thumb), and I really don't think she realized she hurt me (she had done the same thing a few times and it didn't bother me, it was a joke; although, the last time she did it out of anger not playing, and I did scream which was pretty hard to miss... ). Eh, does this make any difference?

And, to be honest, psychologically speaking, those folks scare me a whole lot more than someone who, out of impulsive anger, lashes out. Obviously I'd rather get my thumb twisted than catch a washboard to the dome, but the idea of someone actually putting thought into how they can hurt or discomfort their partner in an "acceptable" way at any given moment is kinda frightening.

Also, physical harm isn't a joke, period. If the threat of violence isn't convincing you to leave, then maybe her terrible sense of humor will.

Wow, thanks alot. OK you've convinced me, this is abuse, and it could very well get worse.

So I have a follow-up question. In the case of this particular person, when we were dating first she would get angry alot over nothing - not just upset, but enraged, and she'd get verbally abusive calling me names etc. At some point I told her that this had to stop completely or we couldn't keep going. And, amazingly, it did stop - completely, overnight. But, she kept getting upset about things, and as I mentioned then the other day she tried to break my thumb (almost sounds funny now).

So, the question I have now is whether this kind of physical harm and threats are the kind of thing that can also stop. I think she's very likely doing these things in reaction to her last relationship which was abusive - and now she's playing it out with me, pretty predictable. But what is the chance that if we talk things through, she'll change - or will the abuse just take other forms?

Your answers are profoundly appreciated, I'm really surprised that people got back so quickly and helpfully, thanks.

Look, I know you're trying to minimize her behaviour because you love her but what she's doing is NOT love. Just leave . Just because she was abused in a relationship doesn't make it OK for her to become an abuser . My mother wasted almost 30 years of her life on an abuser and I hate to see this stuff .

Wow, thanks alot. OK you've convinced me, this is abuse, and it could very well get worse.

So I have a follow-up question. In the case of this particular person, when we were dating first she would get angry alot over nothing - not just upset, but enraged, and she'd get verbally abusive calling me names etc. At some point I told her that this had to stop completely or we couldn't keep going. And, amazingly, it did stop - completely, overnight. But, she kept getting upset about things, and as I mentioned then the other day she tried to break my thumb (almost sounds funny now).

So, the question I have now is whether this kind of physical harm and threats are the kind of thing that can also stop. I think she's very likely doing these things in reaction to her last relationship which was abusive - and now she's playing it out with me, pretty predictable. But what is the chance that if we talk things through, she'll change - or will the abuse just take other forms?

Your answers are profoundly appreciated, I'm really surprised that people got back so quickly and helpfully, thanks.

It shouldn't be confusing as a guy. A self-respecting guy who also appreciates that a grown woman isn't their kid niece trying to shove you after you called her a dork doesn't put up with this kind of ****. As you're seeing with your thumb, a woman doesn't need to be Ronda Rousey to do damage.

You've only been with her a few months. She's showing you that you're easily letting her get away with her particular brand of crazy. Save yourself and get away from her before you end up in jail when she beats you up, calls the cops on you and they believe her.

You know that something is wrong with this girl. End it.

Hmm, thanks alot for these thoughts. To be fair I think she was joking when she said she'd punch me (although it freaked me out that she said it, in the context of her hurting my thumb), and I really don't think she realized she hurt me (she had done the same thing a few times and it didn't bother me, it was a joke; although, the last time she did it out of anger not playing, and I did scream which was pretty hard to miss... ). Eh, does this make any difference?

Stop excusing this. This is not normal. We are ALL advising you that this woman is abusive.

Just as her abuse will likely escalate, so will your denial. Rather than roll the dice, I'd view this as what you see, is what you get.

Rather than roll the dice, I'd view this as what you see, is what you get.

Thanks - what do you mean though?

Thanks alot J.man. You've got a very clear way of thinking about this. Can I ask you, do you think she can stop? At the outset of the relationship she was inclined to call me names, also obviously abusive - but I asked her to stop, and she did... completely. Do you think she can stop being abusive, or will it just take other shapes?

Also, physical harm isn't a joke, period. If the threat of violence isn't convincing you to leave, then maybe her terrible sense of humor will.

Thanks alot J.man. You've got a very clear way of thinking about this. Can I ask you, do you think she can stop? At the outset of the relationship she was inclined to call me names, also obviously abusive - but I asked her to stop, and she did... completely. Do you think she can stop being abusive, or will it just take other shapes?

Thanks - what do you mean though?

She is showing you who she is. You should be responding, by removing yourself.

You are choosing to excuse it away. Don't really understand why.

Thanks alot J.man. You've got a very clear way of thinking about this. Can I ask you, do you think she can stop? At the outset of the relationship she was inclined to call me names, also obviously abusive - but I asked her to stop, and she did... completely. Do you think she can stop being abusive, or will it just take other shapes?

Unless an abuser gets some form of therapy they always abuse in a different way if they stop another way. I can tell you 100% for sure this won't get better . I have seen too many people be abused to think that it just stops or goes away . My mother's best friend is DEAD yup dead in the cemetery because of an abusive relationship . Just leave . Just because you looooooove somebody doesn't mean you should be with them. Love is not the end-all and be-all of the universe when it's not love to begin with .

How long have you been together?

How long have you been together?

About 6 months, thanks Hollyj.

About 6 months, thanks Hollyj.

This is who she is. She has shown you in different ways that she has anger/abuse issues.