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Thread: Getting Closure

  1. #1
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    Getting Closure

    Thought I'd start a discussion on getting "closure" in our relationships; I've heard differing opinions about it and have been thinking about it a lot myself lately.

    Many people (even myself!), have asserted that closure comes from "within," that you should not rely on your ex partner to give you the closure you are seeking. You give "yourself" closure.

    I NOW think this is a load of you know what.

    What we need to do, the healthy thing to do, is to talk it out with the person with whom we were involved in an effort to give *each other* the necessary closure we "both" need in order to move on properly.

    If we don't have the opportunity to do that due to ghosting or whatever, it leaves both wondering what the hell happened, or one or both feeling guilty, which never really goes away.

    Sure we can suppress those feelings, in order to give ourselves "closure," but in the end those feelings will eventually resurface and bite us in the ass!

    This is why, imo, ghosters often return later. Initially, they shoved their feelings of guilt down, and were fine, but later those guilt feelings resurfaced, which haunted them so they attempt to make contact with the person they ghosted on.

    How many stories have we read about this? Men (and women) ghosting and then returning later. Too many to count!

    Last week I got chatting with a woman whose fiancÚ had ghosted on her two weeks before the wedding! She had no idea why, never got any closure, and was devastated. This happened three YEARS ago.

    She admitted because of this, she was never really able to move on properly. No matter how hard she tried to give herself closure, was not happening.

    One week ago (after three years no contact), her ex made contact. All sorts of regrets for doing what he did (ghosting), admitted it was a big mistake, he's sorry, and it's been haunting him ever since, unable to have healthy relationships, etc.

    If only they had talked, discussed their issues, wished each other well and said proper goodbyes, three years worth of feeling devastated (her), guilt and regrets, unhealthy relationships (him) could have been avoided. So sad.

    So, try as we might, I think it is very difficult if not impossible to give yourself closure when shyt like this happens. For both people.

    I will never again advise someone to do this. I don't know what the answer is, but telling someone whose partner suddenly disappeared with no explanation, that closure comes from within (or to just move on) sort of dismisses and invalidates their feelings, again my opinion.

    Thoughts?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member rosephase's Avatar
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    eh...

    To be honest I think the idea of owing or being owed resolution to a relationship is a childish fantasy. Not that it can't come true. But that it's actually our jobs as adults to get over that level of insecurity. If this dude never came back it would still be your friends job to get over it and move on with her life. Life is full of trauma. Horrible things happen. They hurt. They scar us. And if we want to keep growing and being people we grapple with that and move on.

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    Originally Posted by rosephase
    eh...

    To be honest I think the idea of owing or being owed resolution to a relationship is a childish fantasy. Not that it can't come true. But that it's actually our jobs as adults to get over that level of insecurity. If this dude never came back it would still be your friends job to get over it and move on with her life. Life is full of trauma. Horrible things happen. They hurt. They scar us. And if we want to keep growing and being people we grapple with that and move on.
    Sure in an ideal world, this would be happening.

    But human beings are more nuanced, and while some people do have the ability to get closure on their own, not everyone is so fortunate, and should not be deemed insecure or childish for this.

    This goes for both the ghostee and ghosted as the story I shared clearly indicates..

    And I disagree that in a long term relationship, or engagement, or any significant relationship, no one "owes" each other anything.

    To the contrary, respect for your partner and the relationship you shared warrants a discussion if one wishes to end it. It's called having integrity which I think is an important and necessary quality to possess.

    Not sure what you're thinking by suggesting that those who feel this way are somehow insecure or childish, but respect your opinion nevertheless.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member rosephase's Avatar
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    [QUOTE=katrina1980;6884675]Sure in an ideal world, this would be happening.

    But human beings are more nuanced, and while some people do have the ability to get closure on their own, not everyone is so fortunate.

    This goes for both the ghostee and ghosted as the story I shared clearly indicates..

    And I disagree that in a long term relationship, or engagement, or any relationship with even a modicum of significance, no one "owes" each other anything.

    To the contrary, respect for your partner and the relationship you shared warrants a discussion if one wishes to end it. It's called having integrity which I think is an important and necessary quality to possess.

    Not sure what you're thinking by suggesting that those who feel otherwise are insecure or childish, but respect your opinion nevertheless.

    The world you are talking about is ideal. One where relationship fractures end with someone realizing the wheres and whys and hows of their choices and being able to take on responsibility and has the strength to apologize. And that happens in relationships where one person is at "fault" a whole bunch of relationships end because of a tangle of problem that neither person can articulate well. Just because people can't deal with trauma doesn't mean that they won't have to. Do you know what often doesn't have closure? Death. An ex coming back and telling you that it was their fault and they messed up is not a thing that is going to happen for most people. Your friend got some assistance in dealing with her pain. But I bet if you ask her she isn't suddenly more trusting or "over" this dude leaving her flat out of no where. The "closure" is a nice reassuring and validating moment but it doesn't solve the pain that he caused. She is the only person who can do that.

    "closure" is mostly a myth. The other person can't heal you from the break up.

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    In a perfect world, I'd love to think that we could talk it out with the person we are (or were) involved with in order to get proper closure and move on. Unfortunately, people these days just ghost, or aren't completely honest with their true feelings when having an open discussion about where things went wrong. Therefore, it seems we sometimes don't have a choice and have to rely on ourselves to find a way to get over it and move on.

    As time goes on, I realize I only have myself to rely on, despite having a great family and some good friends to turn to for support. I definitely have certain expectations of people that I'm hoping they'll fulfill, but more often than not, they don't. Even if we do communicate, I don't always feel a sense of closure. So I find myself trying to understand what they did and why, and I keep telling myself that it is their loss, etc, etc. At the end of the day, I'll try my best to be strong, and I'll look for ways to distract myself, but it's really the passing of time that helps, really, regardless of what happened.

    Even with time passing, I still feel the sting of things that happened many years ago. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so sensitive or much of an emotional person, because I can't help but think that it would make it easier to bear.
    Last edited by milly007; 09-16-2017 at 08:26 PM.

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    Originally Posted by milly007
    In a perfect world, I'd love to think that we could talk it out with the person we are (or were) involved with in order to get proper closure and move on. Unfortunately, people these days just ghost, or aren't completely honest with their true feelings when having an open discussion about where things went wrong. Therefore, it seems we sometimes don't have a choice and have to rely on ourselves to find a way to get over it and move on.
    I wholeheartedly agree with this!

    I was only suggesting that often times, try as we might, that non-closure lingers within us, and for the ghoster, comes back to bite him/her in the ass, again as evidenced by sooooooo many ghosters returning after weeks, months or even years later. Admitting that they too have suffered, that's all I'm saying.

    Yes I am an idealist in many ways, but hell would not a discussion ending it properly alleviate all this bullshyt?

    Or do none of us ever "owe" each other anything, just do as we please not giving a shyt how our actions impact someone we once cared a lot about?

    I'm not understanding this.

  8. #7
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    In an ideal World where people could get together after a relationship and speak completely honestly about why they did or didn't do what they did....that would be great...we each learn something from the other person, wish each other well and move on with our lives vowing to ourselves never to make the same mistakes again.

    That unfortunately is rarely, if ever, going to happen. That is why "closure" has to come from within in my opinion.

    People do all kinds of crazy stuff to each other on a daily basis while claiming to love the other person (have a look at the stories on this forum). Why they do this stuff is beyond me, and to be honest the 'why' doesn't really concern me....it's the fact that they did it in the first place that I concentrate on. I would ask myself 'is that behaviour acceptable in a person I want to have a longterm relationship with?'.....if the answer is no, then that gives me closure. The 'why' they did it may be due to extenuating circumstances, but then again those circumstances may be replicated in the future and would probably elicit the same response.

    I don't harbour grudges against anyone, and find that I can forgive quite easily, but I cannot forget quite so easily. I try not to take things personally (and for the most part succeed), accept that the other person was not right for me, wish them well and get on with my life.

    To me closure comes from what they did...not why they did it. I don't know if that makes sense to other people, but it works for me. Hopefully it will help with some of you folk reading this too. Good luck.

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    Originally Posted by katrina1980

    Or do none of us ever "owe" each other anything, just do as we please not giving a shyt how it impacts someone we once cared a lot about
    I can't understand ghosting for the life of me. I could never do that to anyone.

    But, I do know of someone who would do this, and he would ghost because he didn't want to go through the steps of actually breaking up with someone, and the discussions and hurt that would come with it. So he would run away because it was easier than facing the music.

    It sounds like this was the case for your friend/acquaintance, Katrina. This guy clearly knew he was in the wrong and took the cowardly way out. Hence why he came back to vent, or maybe ask for forgiveness? Either way, he clearly knew he was in the wrong, back then and now.

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    Yeah in a "perfect" or "ideal" world, lots of things would be happening that aren't happening.

    So what, we should just sit back and accept the bullshyt?

    And not strive for a better world, one wherein we have more respect for each other and behave with integrity?

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Yeah in a "perfect" or "ideal" world, lots of things would be happening that aren't happening.

    So what, we should just sit back and accept the bullshyt?

    And not strive for a better world, one wherein we have more respect for each other and behave with integrity?
    Man, I wish there was more integrity and kindness in this world today. I honestly try and call people out on their BS when the opportunity presents itself (in all of my relationships - friends, family, dating, etc.), but to be honest, I'm kind of getting tired of it. I'll never change my ways, and I always try to pick my battles, but this is why it always comes back to me and only me.

    I need people and social interaction in my life, but I'm learning that if I hold everyone to my expectations and how I expect everyone to act, I will always be disappointed and angry with the world. I can't live like this and I won't.

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