Getting Closure

Thought I'd start a discussion on getting "closure" in our relationships; I've heard differing opinions about it and have been thinking about it a lot myself lately.

Many people (even myself!), have asserted that closure comes from "within," that you should not rely on your ex partner to give you the closure you are seeking. You give "yourself" closure.

I NOW think this is a load of you know what.

What we need to do, the healthy thing to do, is to talk it out with the person with whom we were involved in an effort to give *each other* the necessary closure we "both" need in order to move on properly.

If we don't have the opportunity to do that due to ghosting or whatever, it leaves both wondering what the hell happened, or one or both feeling guilty, which never really goes away.

Sure we can suppress those feelings, in order to give ourselves "closure," but in the end those feelings will eventually resurface and bite us in the ass!

This is why, imo, ghosters often return later. Initially, they shoved their feelings of guilt down, and were fine, but later those guilt feelings resurfaced, which haunted them so they attempt to make contact with the person they ghosted on.

How many stories have we read about this? Men (and women) ghosting and then returning later. Too many to count!

Last week I got chatting with a woman whose fiancé had ghosted on her two weeks before the wedding! She had no idea why, never got any closure, and was devastated. This happened three YEARS ago.

She admitted because of this, she was never really able to move on properly. No matter how hard she tried to give herself closure, was not happening.

One week ago (after three years no contact), her ex made contact. All sorts of regrets for doing what he did (ghosting), admitted it was a big mistake, he's sorry, and it's been haunting him ever since, unable to have healthy relationships, etc.

If only they had talked, discussed their issues, wished each other well and said proper goodbyes, three years worth of feeling devastated (her), guilt and regrets, unhealthy relationships (him) could have been avoided. So sad.

So, try as we might, I think it is very difficult if not impossible to give yourself closure when shyt like this happens. For both people.

I will never again advise someone to do this. I don't know what the answer is, but telling someone whose partner suddenly disappeared with no explanation, that closure comes from within (or to just move on) sort of dismisses and invalidates their feelings, again my opinion.

Thoughts?

eh...

To be honest I think the idea of owing or being owed resolution to a relationship is a childish fantasy. Not that it can't come true. But that it's actually our jobs as adults to get over that level of insecurity. If this dude never came back it would still be your friends job to get over it and move on with her life. Life is full of trauma. Horrible things happen. They hurt. They scar us. And if we want to keep growing and being people we grapple with that and move on.

eh...

 

To be honest I think the idea of owing or being owed resolution to a relationship is a childish fantasy. Not that it can't come true. But that it's actually our jobs as adults to get over that level of insecurity. If this dude never came back it would still be your friends job to get over it and move on with her life. Life is full of trauma. Horrible things happen. They hurt. They scar us. And if we want to keep growing and being people we grapple with that and move on.

Sure in an ideal world, this would be happening.

But human beings are more nuanced, and while some people do have the ability to get closure on their own, not everyone is so fortunate, and should not be deemed insecure or childish for this.

This goes for both the ghostee and ghosted as the story I shared clearly indicates..

And I disagree that in a long term relationship, or engagement, or any significant relationship, no one "owes" each other anything.

To the contrary, respect for your partner and the relationship you shared warrants a discussion if one wishes to end it. It's called having integrity which I think is an important and necessary quality to possess.

Not sure what you're thinking by suggesting that those who feel this way are somehow insecure or childish, but respect your opinion nevertheless.

Sure in an ideal world, this would be happening.

 

But human beings are more nuanced, and while some people do have the ability to get closure on their own, not everyone is so fortunate.

 

This goes for both the ghostee and ghosted as the story I shared clearly indicates..

 

And I disagree that in a long term relationship, or engagement, or any relationship with even a modicum of significance, no one "owes" each other anything.

 

To the contrary, respect for your partner and the relationship you shared warrants a discussion if one wishes to end it. It's called having integrity which I think is an important and necessary quality to possess.

 

Not sure what you're thinking by suggesting that those who feel otherwise are insecure or childish, but respect your opinion nevertheless.

 

The world you are talking about is ideal. One where relationship fractures end with someone realizing the wheres and whys and hows of their choices and being able to take on responsibility and has the strength to apologize. And that happens in relationships where one person is at "fault" a whole bunch of relationships end because of a tangle of problem that neither person can articulate well. Just because people can't deal with trauma doesn't mean that they won't have to. Do you know what often doesn't have closure? Death. An ex coming back and telling you that it was their fault and they messed up is not a thing that is going to happen for most people. Your friend got some assistance in dealing with her pain. But I bet if you ask her she isn't suddenly more trusting or "over" this dude leaving her flat out of no where. The "closure" is a nice reassuring and validating moment but it doesn't solve the pain that he caused. She is the only person who can do that.

 

"closure" is mostly a myth. The other person can't heal you from the break up.

In a perfect world, I'd love to think that we could talk it out with the person we are (or were) involved with in order to get proper closure and move on. Unfortunately, people these days just ghost, or aren't completely honest with their true feelings when having an open discussion about where things went wrong. Therefore, it seems we sometimes don't have a choice and have to rely on ourselves to find a way to get over it and move on.

As time goes on, I realize I only have myself to rely on, despite having a great family and some good friends to turn to for support. I definitely have certain expectations of people that I'm hoping they'll fulfill, but more often than not, they don't. Even if we do communicate, I don't always feel a sense of closure. So I find myself trying to understand what they did and why, and I keep telling myself that it is their loss, etc, etc. At the end of the day, I'll try my best to be strong, and I'll look for ways to distract myself, but it's really the passing of time that helps, really, regardless of what happened.

Even with time passing, I still feel the sting of things that happened many years ago. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so sensitive or much of an emotional person, because I can't help but think that it would make it easier to bear.

In a perfect world, I'd love to think that we could talk it out with the person we are (or were) involved with in order to get proper closure and move on. Unfortunately, people these days just ghost, or aren't completely honest with their true feelings when having an open discussion about where things went wrong. Therefore, it seems we sometimes don't have a choice and have to rely on ourselves to find a way to get over it and move on.

I wholeheartedly agree with this!

I was only suggesting that often times, try as we might, that non-closure lingers within us, and for the ghoster, comes back to bite him/her in the ass, again as evidenced by sooooooo many ghosters returning after weeks, months or even years later. Admitting that they too have suffered, that's all I'm saying.

Yes I am an idealist in many ways, but hell would not a discussion ending it properly alleviate all this bullshyt?

Or do none of us ever "owe" each other anything, just do as we please not giving a shyt how our actions impact someone we once cared a lot about?

I'm not understanding this.

In an ideal World where people could get together after a relationship and speak completely honestly about why they did or didn't do what they did....that would be great...we each learn something from the other person, wish each other well and move on with our lives vowing to ourselves never to make the same mistakes again.

That unfortunately is rarely, if ever, going to happen. That is why "closure" has to come from within in my opinion.

People do all kinds of crazy stuff to each other on a daily basis while claiming to love the other person (have a look at the stories on this forum). Why they do this stuff is beyond me, and to be honest the 'why' doesn't really concern me....it's the fact that they did it in the first place that I concentrate on. I would ask myself 'is that behaviour acceptable in a person I want to have a longterm relationship with?'.....if the answer is no, then that gives me closure. The 'why' they did it may be due to extenuating circumstances, but then again those circumstances may be replicated in the future and would probably elicit the same response.

I don't harbour grudges against anyone, and find that I can forgive quite easily, but I cannot forget quite so easily. I try not to take things personally (and for the most part succeed), accept that the other person was not right for me, wish them well and get on with my life.

To me closure comes from what they did...not why they did it. I don't know if that makes sense to other people, but it works for me. Hopefully it will help with some of you folk reading this too. Good luck.

 

Or do none of us ever "owe" each other anything, just do as we please not giving a shyt how it impacts someone we once cared a lot about

I can't understand ghosting for the life of me. I could never do that to anyone.

But, I do know of someone who would do this, and he would ghost because he didn't want to go through the steps of actually breaking up with someone, and the discussions and hurt that would come with it. So he would run away because it was easier than facing the music.

It sounds like this was the case for your friend/acquaintance, Katrina. This guy clearly knew he was in the wrong and took the cowardly way out. Hence why he came back to vent, or maybe ask for forgiveness? Either way, he clearly knew he was in the wrong, back then and now.

Yeah in a "perfect" or "ideal" world, lots of things would be happening that aren't happening.

So what, we should just sit back and accept the bullshyt?

And not strive for a better world, one wherein we have more respect for each other and behave with integrity?

Yeah in a "perfect" or "ideal" world, lots of things would be happening that aren't happening.

 

So what, we should just sit back and accept the bullshyt?

 

And not strive for a better world, one wherein we have more respect for each other and behave with integrity?

Man, I wish there was more integrity and kindness in this world today. I honestly try and call people out on their BS when the opportunity presents itself (in all of my relationships - friends, family, dating, etc.), but to be honest, I'm kind of getting tired of it. I'll never change my ways, and I always try to pick my battles, but this is why it always comes back to me and only me.

I need people and social interaction in my life, but I'm learning that if I hold everyone to my expectations and how I expect everyone to act, I will always be disappointed and angry with the world. I can't live like this and I won't.

I agree respect and integrity are things which are lacking in today's society.

However 'prefect' and 'ideal' are subjective words, and you will get as many people disagreeing with your view of that 'ideal' World, as you will agreeing. It's the nature of humanity.

By all means strive for a better World, but I wouldn't expect it any time soon in regards to people being caring, compassionate adults at the end of a relationship.

I can't understand ghosting for the life of me. I could never do that to anyone.

 

But, I do know of someone who would do this, and he would ghost because he didn't want to go through the steps of actually breaking up with someone, and the discussions and hurt that would come with it. So he would run away because it was easier than facing the music.

Yeah and as I have been saying, HE "will" suffer the consequences of his actions eventually as sooooo many ghosters do (assuming they have a conscience) returning later (as many do) to express regrets and offer apologies or some other explanation whether it makes sense or not.

This is "reality" for many many people. I personally know of at least five different situations wherein the ghoster returned later expressing regrets.

Just have a freakin discussion even if uncomfortable, geez. You walk away guilt free and allow your partner, whom you once cared about, to move on properly.

I'm talking long term relationship, a few dates not necessary.

Even in a casual relationship, if one wishes to walk with no explanation, I might understand.

But at the end of a significant LTR, for many, unanswered questions can really mess with your head. I can't even imagine being ghosted in a LTR.

No doubt I would be one of the "devastated" ones. I'm strong but not "that" strong. Or maybe I am, who knows.

In any event, no one walks away unscathed in some way when this happens.

Ghosting is cowardly Your poor friend.

Why people can't give the simple courtesy of a meet up or a phone is beyond me. I just don't understand how people have become so selfish and uncaring.

The world you are talking about is ideal. One where relationship fractures end with someone realizing the wheres and whys and hows of their choices and being able to take on responsibility and has the strength to apologize. And that happens in relationships where one person is at "fault" a whole bunch of relationships end because of a tangle of problem that neither person can articulate well. Just because people can't deal with trauma doesn't mean that they won't have to. Do you know what often doesn't have closure? Death. An ex coming back and telling you that it was their fault and they messed up is not a thing that is going to happen for most people. Your friend got some assistance in dealing with her pain. But I bet if you ask her she isn't suddenly more trusting or "over" this dude leaving her flat out of no where. The "closure" is a nice reassuring and validating moment but it doesn't solve the pain that he caused. She is the only person who can do that.

 

"closure" is mostly a myth. The other person can't heal you from the break up.

Nope. It is called common courtesy.

Nope. It is called common courtesy.

Unfortunately it's not that common anymore.

Unfortunately it's not that common anymore.

Ugh, it really isn't. So sad.

I agree respect and integrity are things which are lacking in today's society.

 

 

However 'prefect' and 'ideal' are subjective words, and you will get as many people disagreeing with your view of that 'ideal' World, as you will agreeing. It's the nature of humanity.

 

By all means strive for a better World, but I wouldn't expect it any time soon in regards to people being caring, compassionate adults at the end of a relationship.

I'm sorry, but how do you equate an "Ideal World" with having a proper break up. That is a stretch.

I hope she did not have to pay for the wedding, too?

I'm sorry, but how do you equate an "Ideal World" with having a proper break up. That is a ridiculous stretch.

Who is equating that????

I hope she did not have to pay for he wedding, too?

I don't know Holly, I never asked her. She is a new girl at the weekly meet up I attend, men and women.

We discuss all sorts of things, and ghosting, getting closure was the topic of discussion last week.

Who is equating that????

Sorry, I confused your wording with Rose.

What did the guy want? Did he want to be forgiven? What a jerk!

What did the guy want? Did he want to be forgiven? What a jerk!

I'm sure he did, but mostly she thinks, and I agree, he simply wanted to alleviate his OWN guilt.

Whats funny is that after three years, he told her he wanted to reconnect for HER! To give HER closure.

I thought that was pretty arrogant quite frankly.

I mean, why would he assume she even needed closure after all that time? It had been three years! lol

And she has remained no contact the entire time.

He did it for himself, to alleviate his own guilt so HE could finally move on.

Guy needs to get over himself. He still clearly has lots to learn.

Nope. It is called common courtesy.

I assume with that answer you've never been in a abusive relationship. Even if there are more kind and less kind ways of breaking up, we are not owed an explanation and an explanation is very often unhelpful in healing. The reason we have to heal ourselves after break ups is because as individuals we are responsible for our own emotional welfare. And asking anyone else to take that on is at very least co-dependent. When we break up with people we are dropping our emotional responsibility to them. It sounds like the op's friend's ex who left her was reaching out to heal himself. And that can be super helpful but not a common curtesy.