Am I in an emotionally abusive relationship?

A month ago my boyfriend made plans to hangout with me after he got off of work. Two hours after we were supposed to hang out he cancelled saying he had to work late. He asked if I'd be upset if we didn't hang out. I said "I accepted that. that's fine but I really wanted to." He then said it's not my fault I had to work late (which I understood) and also said "I'm tired of having to make plans to hang out then them not working out. I tried and clearly failed. Trying to make you happy ends up nobody happy. I'm exhausted and don't want to feel like the victim anymore." I took time to reflect on how I reacted and thought I could have been more considerate towards his efforts to hang out with me. On multiple occasions I would bring up our argument to him and tell him that I never wanted to hurt him in that way. He would tell me to "stop changing the subject" by bringing the fight up and trying to fix it. He would change the subject of our conversation completely or pretend I never mentioned it. I got frustrated with not getting a response when I tried owning up to my actions so I thought the healthiest thing I could do for both of us was to stop messaging him for a few days. We talked off and on through text with a few periods in between of me not answering his messages to focus on my mental health and hopefully make sense of the whole conflict. Two days ago after we had been away from each other for a while I thought it would be best to try again and bring up the issue. I asked him when I started making him feel like a victim and he said "that happened like a month ago". I asked what I could do from this point forward to make him feel more appreciated by me and he said "It's a little late for that" and explained how he couldn't sleep for nights because I stopped messaging him. I explained how I felt like each time I brought up the argument I wasn't solving anything so I thought it'd be best to give him space and time to think.

Each time I tried to explain why I didn't message back he would say "don't worry" and "it's fine". (clearly it bugged him especially after he told me he couldn't sleep at night because of it). I told him I'm just trying to improve as a girlfriend" and he said "you should've replied." I told him I don't want to make him feel like a victim again and he said "I don't either". Long story short I've been trying to discuss with him where I went wrong and what I specifically did to make him feel like a victim so it doesn't happen again. I'm not perfect and I know I could have acted more appreciative towards him when he tried to hang out with me. I have always been productive and trying to find a solution to our problem. I told him me taking a break from messaging him wasn't intended to make him feel bad. The whole period we didn't message each other I was focused on how I could improve as a girlfriend and overall person. It confuses me why he only appears to be upset about me not messaging for a few days and seems completely unaffected by the time I made him feel like a "victim". Feeling like a victim is unacceptable and I feel like it's something that needs to be addressed and discussed. I did a lot of research on our relationship to find out why if I ever ask questions about arguments we have he will always change the subject or ask why I ask so many questions. I came across videos on narcissistic emotional abuse and related with a ton of the information and signs. I am looking for an outside perspective on where I am possibly going wrong in my relationship so I can be better. I am not afraid of confronting my own personal issues if needed. I feel crazy in my relationship and I know something is wrong if I never am able to discuss problems with him. I don't know if I am being abused or controlled or if I'm the reason for why he doesn't ever want to discuss things with me. Thanks!

I have read your past threads. You keep trying to jump through hoops to apologize and make it all right, when he's clearly not interested in hearing it and instead has tried to make you feel bad.

Honestly? It just sounds to me like he's checking out of your relationship.

No. You need to either drop the issue or, if it's something you feel needs to be discussed and he isn't willing, you dump him.

Now I'm not in the guy's head, so I can't tell you if he sincerely just doesn't want to talk about it and would rather move on or if he sees you torturing yourself and is getting some kind of satisfaction from seeing it, but at the end of the day, this is you torturing yourself. He's not punishing you, you keep punishing yourself.

He didn't want to talk about it so why would you keep pushing?

On multiple occasions I would bring up our argument to him and tell him that I never wanted to hurt him in that way. He would tell me to "stop changing the subject" by bringing the fight up

You two have completely different communication styles and either you're going to have to adjust to him not wanting to rehash something to death or leave and find someone who will talk about something until you're feeling better. He's not going to change.

I don't know if I am being abused or controlled

A month ago my boyfriend made plans to hangout with me after he got off of work. Two hours after we were supposed to hang out he cancelled saying he had to work late. He asked if I'd be upset if we didn't hang out. I said "I accepted that. that's fine but I really wanted to." He then said it's not my fault I had to work late (which I understood) and also said "I'm tired of having to make plans to hang out then them not working out. I tried and clearly failed. Trying to make you happy ends up nobody happy. I'm exhausted and don't want to feel like the victim anymore." I took time to reflect on how I reacted and thought I could have been more considerate towards his efforts to hang out with me. On multiple occasions I would bring up our argument to him and tell him that I never wanted to hurt him in that way. He would tell me to "stop changing the subject" by bringing the fight up and trying to fix it. He would change the subject of our conversation completely or pretend I never mentioned it. I got frustrated with not getting a response when I tried owning up to my actions so I thought the healthiest thing I could do for both of us was to stop messaging him for a few days. We talked off and on through text with a few periods in between of me not answering his messages to focus on my mental health and hopefully make sense of the whole conflict. Two days ago after we had been away from each other for a while I thought it would be best to try again and bring up the issue. I asked him when I started making him feel like a victim and he said "that happened like a month ago". I asked what I could do from this point forward to make him feel more appreciated by me and he said "It's a little late for that" and explained how he couldn't sleep for nights because I stopped messaging him. I explained how I felt like each time I brought up the argument I wasn't solving anything so I thought it'd be best to give him space and time to think.

 

Each time I tried to explain why I didn't message back he would say "don't worry" and "it's fine". (clearly it bugged him especially after he told me he couldn't sleep at night because of it). I told him I'm just trying to improve as a girlfriend" and he said "you should've replied." I told him I don't want to make him feel like a victim again and he said "I don't either". Long story short I've been trying to discuss with him where I went wrong and what I specifically did to make him feel like a victim so it doesn't happen again. I'm not perfect and I know I could have acted more appreciative towards him when he tried to hang out with me. I have always been productive and trying to find a solution to our problem. I told him me taking a break from messaging him wasn't intended to make him feel bad. The whole period we didn't message each other I was focused on how I could improve as a girlfriend and overall person. It confuses me why he only appears to be upset about me not messaging for a few days and seems completely unaffected by the time I made him feel like a "victim". Feeling like a victim is unacceptable and I feel like it's something that needs to be addressed and discussed. I did a lot of research on our relationship to find out why if I ever ask questions about arguments we have he will always change the subject or ask why I ask so many questions. I came across videos on narcissistic emotional abuse and related with a ton of the information and signs. I am looking for an outside perspective on where I am possibly going wrong in my relationship so I can be better. I am not afraid of confronting my own personal issues if needed. I feel crazy in my relationship and I know something is wrong if I never am able to discuss problems with him. I don't know if I am being abused or controlled or if I'm the reason for why he doesn't ever want to discuss things with me. Thanks!

Just reading this is exhausting to me so no wonder he doesn't want to hear you bring up the past time and time again. Sounds like you gave him a hard time for not being able to meet you (when he would also be upset he would miss you) and in every subsequent communication with him you have brought this up over and over. You sound like serious hard work! You couldn't meet, let it lie and focus on something positive like arranging another meet up.

FYI giving someone the cold shoulder is a form of emotional abuse, so who is the one being abused? Certainly not you in this particular instance.