I don't want another heartbeat.

First of all, before I start yapping about my problem, I'd like to say that I am not a depressed person, but this is making me depressed, really.

Basically, I simply don't get the point of life. Why are we here? Why do we have to breathe? Like why do I have to go to school? - To get a better job? Why? To become rich, or successful? To get money? To get a family? What if I can't even get a wife of my own? Do I have to be alone? Why am I forced to go to school, graduate, get a job, and work until I die? There are tons of questions running around my mind and I don't have the answer for them. I just don't get it, why do I have to be alive and be forced to do things that I do not want to do, and why I get called words that I don't want to be, just because I do stuff that I want to do with my life. It's my life right? Why do I have to constantly deal with this bullsh*t? I'm tired of it. Suicide is the only option that I have. Although my grades are not that bad, I just don't get why I have to do all of these, when the ultimate goal of life is to meet death. And don't give me that "Just have fun!" bullsh*t, nothing is fun to me anymore. I know it may be hard for you to believe it, but life is getting old and boring for me already. If it weren't for my family, or the pain that death might bring, I would've killed myself long ago. Besides finding life boring, I also happen to be born in a really unfortunate place. I live in a third world country, and every time I go online and talk to other people they look down on me and ask stupid, ignorant questions. I live in the Philippines, and I can say it's definitely the tiest country in the world. I'll tell you what, I'm currently in the 10th grade and my classmates are horrendously stupid. In fact, it's in our culture, our culture tells that being stupid is okay and fun. Okay, whatever. Whenever stupid people do stupid stuff to me, or to others, I just tell myself "I'm gonna ing die in a week anyway." So I could stop over-thinking about it, but the bad thing is I don't have the courage to kill myself, simply because I'm scared of the pain, and the pain that I might pass on to others. I'm not an , sometimes I can be, but not everytime. I'm just ing tired of life and it's constant bullsh*t that I have to deal with everyday, like waking up early in the morning and not being able to do the things that I want to do. It has gotten to the point where nothing in life is fun to me anymore, even music is not working too much anymore, for me. I don't know. Did I do something in my past life so evil that God had to punish me by putting me in a third world sh*thole with tons of stupid, ignorant, narrow-minded people? Why do I have to be born with this face? Why is it so distorted? Why am I so ugly? Why are others good-looking? What price did they have to pay for being good-looking? Why am I so insecure? I'm so f*cking done, why is life like this, actually, why does life exist. There's no point if all you've got to do is go to school everyday and be forced to do something like a f*cking slave. Why do I have to learn complex mathematics, only to end up knowing that when I grow up I'm gonna forget a lot of those formulas and not be able to use them? Why the f*ck is it like this? The largest contributor to my problem is school. I don't want to go to school anymore, I'm fed up with it, seriously, and I can't find other places to whine and cry about it besides the internet. When I look at animals and how free they are, I get very jealous, very jealous that they get to enjoy their freedom, they don't have to waste time on homework, or worry about not passing that useless, non-educating, time-wasting school project that you have to submit the next day. I'm so tired of being defined of what I am because of my grades, or because of what I achieved. I'm so tired of people judging other people's intelligence with academic grades as the criteria. I'm tired of all these, and it seems like suicide is the only option, because if I dropped out, people would call me stuff like a slacker, a f*cking illiterate or whatever. I'm so fed up with ugly people having to deal with life the hardest possible, and beautiful people thriving and flourishing. I'm tired of everything having to go through money, I wish money never existed. Maybe, if everything was free, and schools didn't exist, I wouldn't even feel like dying. Maybe if we didn't get smarter, we wouldn't be killing off animals or cutting trees. Maybe if we humans were smart enough to find an alternative way of progressing without money or cutting trees or polluting the f*cking planet, maybe I wouldn't feel this way. Life is just so dull and boring for me, and tiring, exhausting. I can't seem to find any joy in it anymore. I don't want to live anymore, I don't want to have another f*cking heartbeat and if God really exists, I will die from a heart attack exactly a second after I'm done editing this post.

Why am I forced to go to school, graduate, get a job, and work until I die?

To keep the mega-rich people mega rich.

You're right. It is your life. There's probably a way for you to do the things that you want to do and not be a serf like the rest of us. I hope you find that way.

OP, is there someone in your family or a trusted friend you can talk to?

You say you are not a depressed person, but your post paints a very different picture.

What if the end goal is love and not all these other things you mention? But just to project love to the world.

Your post suggests some pretty severe anxiety.

What if the end goal is love and not all these other things you mention? But just to project love to the world.

As much as I would like to believe that, I don't really know if the purpose of life is just to, love other beings or whatever. I would consider myself a non-sensitive, unable-to-love type of person. Because a lot of people have told me what to do with my life, and what I should do, I've become so practical, that I've learned to ignore my emotions, that I've learned to stop having emotions. I don't know if that makes any sense to you.. I really don't have the capability to really emphasize what I feel about it in English, but I'm pretty sure you get my point...

Your post suggests some pretty severe anxiety.

I used to have severe anxiety, although when suicide thoughts enwrapped my mind I started to have the "why do I have to worry about it when I'm gonna end up killing myself in a week or so anyway" type of mindset. So I can pretty much say I'm "confident" in a way because of my suicidal thoughts, but then again, it may not make any sense to you, because whenever I amplify what I truly feel to others in real life they usually say I don't make any sense.

I spend 2-3 hours staring at the ceiling, usually after studying, or making a homework in school, usually regretting and hating myself why I did those for no reason. My life is so boring, nothing is ever good in me, really. Absolutely nothing, I believe in that. I may sound depressive, but really I'm not. I'm not sad, I'm just exhausted and want an escape, take it like when you're tired after a long sprint and want to stop, but you can't find a seat, or you can't sit down and you have to keep going, simply because you have to, that's exactly what I feel. But I feel like I'm wrong, that's why I ended up in this website. Or maybe I'm right, I'm just wasting my time on here and I could've spent those 3 minutes writing to preparing a noose on the rope and hanging myself already. I'm not saying that I'm ungrateful, of course I'm grateful, I appreciate my parents a lot for spending their money on me, on my school expenses and stuff. But wouldn't it be better if I were gone? If I were gone, they wouldn't have to spend money on me no longer, and being an only child, they can continue with their lives however they want, in whatever way they want. They wouldn't have to deal with a stubborn kid like me. They wouldn't have to scold anyone for sleeping so late at night. Sure, they will grieve, and cry, but I am pretty sure that they will end up forgetting me in a few years anyway, and that's very okay. What I fear the most is that they might grieve so much, that I might turn them suicidal.

I sometimes ask, what did I ever give to the world? As much as I want to make a difference, I feel like I wouldn't matter, and nothing won't change if I tried. Take pollution for example, I always throw my garbage to the proper place, I always tell my fake friends to throw their sh*t in the proper place, everything, but still. In fact, I joined my school's CAT program for cleanliness and a lot of people have hated me already because of how much I scold and yell at them whenever I see them throwing their trashes in the wrong place. It's the same sh*t that I see every day, garbage, dirty halls. I don't get it. This is just one of life's aspects that I really f*cking hate the most.

Just talk to ANYONE who has had a family member commit suicide. And you will find they are devastated for the rest of their life.

So I think you have a faulty thought process going on there .

I may sound depressive, but really I'm not. I'm not sad, I'm just exhausted and want an escape, take it like when you're tired after a long sprint and want to stop, but you can't find a seat, or you can't sit down and you have to keep going, simply because you have to, that's exactly what I feel.

Depression isn't the same as sadness. Sadness is an emotion that you feel. People who are depressed are often numb to emotion and don't feel anything. So, it really could be depression that you are suffering from.

Just talk to ANYONE who has had a family member commit suicide. And you will find they are devastated for the rest of their life.

 

So I think you have a faulty thought process going on there .

Why? Are emotions really that important? My parents want me to be practical. Practically speaking, if I were dead, they wouldn't have to spend money on me, they wouldn't have to buy me stuff, they wouldn't have to worry about anything. Sure, the financial state of my family can become very hefty once I commit suicide, e.g the funeral, etc but that is one time, and I'm sure that they can recover very quickly from it, right?

All I need is an answer for our existence. The purpose why. It's a hard question I know, but you don't have to be precise with the answer. Something that could perhaps motivate me to just live.

No totally faulty thought process .

People can also have depression and anxiety at the same time . Lack of emotion and your circular thought patterns suggest both .

All I need is an answer for our existence. The purpose why. It's a hard question I know, but you don't have to be precise with the answer. Something that could perhaps motivate me to just live.

The purpose of existence is love, that's it . The love you send out in the world is the purpose for existence .

No totally faulty thought process .

 

People can also have depression and anxiety at the same time . Lack of emotion and your circular thought patterns suggest both .

Right. Maybe I'm just a mentally faulty person in general, unable to express my true feelings and unable to make sense in whatever I say. I really thank you for taking time that you could've spent on things that you like doing, I'm sorry for letting that time go to waste, I want to let you know that I really appreciate it, I really do.

I'll see you on the other side, good-bye.

Daigo

Why not start by loving yourself?

Why? Are emotions really that important? My parents want me to be practical. Practically speaking, if I were dead, they wouldn't have to spend money on me, they wouldn't have to buy me stuff, they wouldn't have to worry about anything. Sure, the financial state of my family can become very hefty once I commit suicide, e.g the funeral, etc but that is one time, and I'm sure that they can recover very quickly from it, right?

WRONG. If you kill yourself your parents and family will be devastated forever. Suicide is a coward's way out.

If you could live life your way, what would you do? Assuming it was totally up to you.

All I need is an answer for our existence. The purpose why. It's a hard question I know, but you don't have to be precise with the answer. Something that could perhaps motivate me to just live.

Maybe those complex mathematical questions will lead you to getting a degree in science wherein you will be the one that finds the cure for cancer or a vaccination that will prevent it?

Ask your parents to take you to the doctor and tell him everything you've told us.

Jibralta you're completely wrong. People with depression do have many feelings and all of them are extreme and bad.

Daigo, I understand you a 100% because I think the same. I've never found a purpose in this life and I've never seen life as being great like many other. I also think we are slaves of society, culture and conditioning. I've always hated to be locked in an office to make my living and many times I felt ashamed of being called human being... animals are much more civilized, respectful and happy than us.

But I've never thought about suicide because I know the spiritual consequences and instead of solving your problem, you'll create many others.

I don't know how old you are but if I was younger I would do what my heart tells me... I would travel around the world to the places that are meaningful to me such as Machu Pichu, Tibet, India, Egypt and so many others.. If I could go back in time I would travel to places that ultimately would make me travel inside myself... I could not do that but I learned with life that when you know yourself and meet with your truly self, a whole new world opens in your mind and you start seeing the outside with the eyes of your soul.

What I suggest you is: stop paying attention to the people outside, what they do wrong and get upset and start knowing yourself better. Starting searching on the internet videos and texts that can start giving you a clue how to do that. Maybe you'll find out what makes you happy and then you can go for that!

But killing yourself is not a solution... self-knowledge and awareness expansion is what will take you inside of you and then you will find true happiness.

Jibralta you're completely wrong. People with depression do have many feelings and all of them are extreme and bad.

No I'm not. I was clinically diagnosed with depression when I was 14. Been there myself.

It appears that most depression involves the numbing of emotions, especially grief, fear, anger and shame. Depression occurs when these emotions loop back on themselves, having feelings about feelings, sometimes without limit.Jul 15, 2011

Numbness: One scenario that causes people to feel depressed without feeling sad is when depression causes them to feel primarily numb. They don’t feel sad, angry, joyful, or really anything at all. They may feel an amorphous misery, but no specific emotion. They may go through the motions of living without the feelings that motivate and satisfy people. This numbness can be experienced as suffering, but in such an ill-defined way that it isn’t identified as sadness.

There are purposes to the things you do that you may never be aware of.

Thank you for writing your post cause you wrote it in a way that made me want to read it. And it reminds me that there are other people, who from time to time feel like you do, like thoughts that I have. 10th grade was a long time ago for me.

First-- it does sound like depression is an issue for you. Get it checked out. Find some help so that you can have less days feeling like this. Nothing is a perfect fix to depression, but it helps to be able to remember that good days come along once in a while.

Next-- you sound like you are sensitive, intelligent, and thinking of what the future could hold. These things could serve you well. It's a good thing that people think differently from each other.

I'm going to suggest that for now---stop navel gazing for a week and see who you can help out. Try to help other people instead of repeating your current patterns.

Lean on your family for support or contact a counselor or teacher at school and let them know you're having these thoughts.

I know of two men who are both now grandfathers--who dropped out of highschool, went on to either get his masters degree or work hard and was successful in the military. Everyone does not take the same path.

You know, Einsten didn't want to follow the typical education pattern either. Since you're online--go ahead and look it up.

There are better days ahead. If today hasn't been a good one, it will be over soon. Try again tomorrow. Stay safe. Call a friend or family member.