How to tell if somebody you are interested in only wants one thing?

If you are attracted to somebody and you know they are attracted to you, how do you know if you can take them seriously Vs them only wanting fun?

What kind of signs make it obvious they aren't interested in a committed relationship?

What kind of signs mean it is more likely they are open to something more than sex/friends with benefits?

If you are attracted to somebody and you know they are attracted to you, how do you know if you can take them seriously Vs them only wanting fun?

 

What kind of signs make it obvious they aren't interested in a committed relationship?

 

What kind of signs mean it is more likely they are open to something more than sex/friends with benefits?

You take your time and get to know them. Remember there is no hurry and if a guy is interested he will take his time.

If they seem to want to fast track you into the bedroom then they may be looking for a casual situation.

If they make sexual comments or joke so as to test your reaction early on they are looking for something casual.

At some point you ask them about there romantic history.

At some point you ask them what they are looking for.

They are interesting in you by being consistent in communication.

They are consistent in wanting to spend time with you.

They are interested in getting to know you by asking questions and geniunely listening.

They make subtle references to future plans "it would be great to go to that concert the end of this month if you are interested"

I ask them.

I always hate the idea of trying to present a roadmap to avoid that guy because it almost invariably results in dating becoming a constant risk assessment rather than a source of enjoyment, which generally presents itself more than most people think, turning you into less of an enjoyable date, thus attracting dudes who aren't really attracted to your personality, but hey, your boobs are spot on. Bam, self-fulfilling prophecy. Obviously there's a lot of cause and effect there, but yeah, at the very least, dating just starts to suck.

There are some baseline efforts you can make such as not getting drunk (omitting alcohol altogether and keeping bar-dates off the table for awhile is probably best), laying off the sexual flirting, meeting during lunch or coffee hours, making your intention of dating for the purpose of a relationship known, but these are much more logistical than they are interpretive.

By and large it boils down to two simple things: not doing anything you don't want to do and interpersonal common sense, both of which I know you've got in your toolkit. I wouldn't complicate it much beyond that. Be fun, be you, and, just as importantly, be assertive about what you want or don't want.

I ask them.

I would love it to be that simple that but I always worry that I will come on too strong or obvious and that they may be full of bs to get in my knickers anyway.

I always hate the idea of trying to present a roadmap to avoid that guy because it almost invariably results in dating becoming a constant risk assessment rather than a source of enjoyment, which generally presents itself more than most people think, turning you into less of an enjoyable date, thus attracting dudes who aren't really attracted to your personality, but hey, your boobs are spot on. Bam, self-fulfilling prophecy. Obviously there's a lot of cause and effect there, but yeah, at the very least, dating just starts to suck.

 

There are some baseline efforts you can make such as not getting drunk (omitting alcohol altogether and keeping bar-dates off the table for awhile is probably best), laying off the sexual flirting, meeting during lunch or coffee hours, making your intention of dating for the purpose of a relationship known, but these are much more logistical than they are interpretive.

 

By and large it boils down to two simple things: not doing anything you don't want to do and interpersonal common sense, both of which I know you've got in your toolkit. I wouldn't complicate it much beyond that. Be fun, be you, and, just as importantly, be assertive about what you want or don't want.

That's part of my problem, I hate dating, I just want to feel settled into a relationship with someone I like.

I don't drink often so I don't have to worry about that.

I think with my fanny also, get too caught up in lust. I get sexually frustrated very easily and so I miss obvious signs or even worse I interpret sexual attention positively.

You take your time and get to know them. Remember there is no hurry and if a guy is interested he will take his time.

 

If they seem to want to fast track you into the bedroom then they may be looking for a casual situation.

If they make sexual comments or joke so as to test your reaction early on they are looking for something casual.

 

At some point you ask them about there romantic history.

At some point you ask them what they are looking for.

 

They are interesting in you by being consistent in communication.

They are consistent in wanting to spend time with you.

They are interested in getting to know you by asking questions and geniunely listening.

They make subtle references to future plans "it would be great to go to that concert the end of this month if you are interested"

I find it hard to be taken seriously as I have a filthy sense of humour. I'm also therefore attracted to those who are similarly inclined. It's hard to tell whether somebody is dirty humoured or just a dirtbag. Since I find innuendo etc amusing I can't help but respond positively to it!

If you are attracted to somebody and you know they are attracted to you, how do you know if you can take them seriously Vs them only wanting fun?

 

What kind of signs make it obvious they aren't interested in a committed relationship?

 

What kind of signs mean it is more likely they are open to something more than sex/friends with benefits?

How it worked for me -within the first few dates or earlier they wanted to talk about their general life goals including marriage and family. They treated me like a lady (and yes I treated him like a gentleman) and didn't focus the convo on sex or sexual innuendoes. The guy would want to get to know me as a person, meet in public, plan actual dates with activities, etc. Within a month or two at the outside he would ask me to be exclusive and it wasn't tied to sex or to a conversation about sex.

Obvious they aren't interested - focused on sex/getting me into bed over everything else, telling me negative stuff about exes/past relationships, etc. Not asking me much about me at all. Often making fun of marriage/weddings/people who commit. Lots of negative comments about children.

I honestly think it's pretty easy to tell.

How it worked for me -within the first few dates or earlier they wanted to talk about their general life goals including marriage and family. They treated me like a lady (and yes I treated him like a gentleman) and didn't focus the convo on sex or sexual innuendoes. The guy would want to get to know me as a person, meet in public, plan actual dates with activities, etc. Within a month or two at the outside he would ask me to be exclusive and it wasn't tied to sex or to a conversation about sex.

 

Obvious they aren't interested - focused on sex/getting me into bed over everything else, telling me negative stuff about exes/past relationships, etc. Not asking me much about me at all. Often making fun of marriage/weddings/people who commit. Lots of negative comments about children.

 

I honestly think it's pretty easy to tell.

This answer is good. I want to add that there's no point asking what his intentions are because most people will not say "My goal is to have sex with you then disappear".

Just observe his actions instead, don't give him sex before commitment unless you want a hookup. Men who are not looking for anything serious will not wait for long since he can easily get laid somewhere else.

This answer is good. I want to add that there's no point asking what his intentions are because most people will not say "My goal is to have sex with you then disappear".

Just observe his actions instead, don't give him sex before commitment unless you want a hookup. Men who are not looking for anything serious will not wait for long since he can easily get laid somewhere else.

I don't totally agree. In my experience the way I knew that he was looking for a sexual arrangement was because he was clear with me from early on. Obviously (other in that great insurance commercial where people say what's on their mind on a date) a person won't say "I'll then disappear" but in my experience a woman or man who wants a sexual arrangement will say she/he is not looking for a relationship, or believes in having sex early on (now, those people might be looking for long term but in my experience if a person sees potential in you that person will compromise the "sex early on" preference so the person can keep getting to know you).

And of course there's a spectrum -there are many people who are looking for a casual arrangement where sex is part of it or looking for something monogamous and long term in that sense but not where marriage or similar type of commitment would ever be an option.

And a person who is just looking to get laid might wait around and keep dating the person without a commitment and find a sexual arrangement elsewhere.

How it worked for me -within the first few dates or earlier they wanted to talk about their general life goals including marriage and family. They treated me like a lady (and yes I treated him like a gentleman) and didn't focus the convo on sex or sexual innuendoes. The guy would want to get to know me as a person, meet in public, plan actual dates with activities, etc. Within a month or two at the outside he would ask me to be exclusive and it wasn't tied to sex or to a conversation about sex.

 

Obvious they aren't interested - focused on sex/getting me into bed over everything else, telling me negative stuff about exes/past relationships, etc. Not asking me much about me at all. Often making fun of marriage/weddings/people who commit. Lots of negative comments about children.

 

I honestly think it's pretty easy to tell.

Fantastic advice thank you. I have been out meeting new people and I have had interest from two guys both of whom are on different ends of the scale. It's night and day and although not immediately obvious to me the first guy was only after sex because he was being very gentlemanly and spent effort convincing me he was single and looking for commitment, the signs are there. Touchy feels, trying to get me to his house (especially when drunk), tried to kiss me after talking for only 5 minutes. Turns out he has a gf. Grassed him up!

The other guy, although not my cup of tea was very different, didn't talk dirty or be inappropriately touchy feely (though he did tickle my midriff) even when drunk.

I don't totally agree. In my experience the way I knew that he was looking for a sexual arrangement was because he was clear with me from early on. Obviously (other in that great insurance commercial where people say what's on their mind on a date) a person won't say "I'll then disappear" but in my experience a woman or man who wants a sexual arrangement will say she/he is not looking for a relationship, or believes in having sex early on (now, those people might be looking for long term but in my experience if a person sees potential in you that person will compromise the "sex early on" preference so the person can keep getting to know you).

And of course there's a spectrum -there are many people who are looking for a casual arrangement where sex is part of it or looking for something monogamous and long term in that sense but not where marriage or similar type of commitment would ever be an option.

 

And a person who is just looking to get laid might wait around and keep dating the person without a commitment and find a sexual arrangement elsewhere.

In my experience men will lie out of their Ahole about how much they care about you and see a future with you and they have been hurt in the past blah blah just to get you into bed.

In my experience men will lie out of their Ahole about how much they care about you and see a future with you and they have been hurt in the past blah blah just to get you into bed.

I've met and heard of a few men like that. I was good at screening and men who seemed to be focused on sex too much too soon didn't get a second date or sometimes even a first. And you can screen them out because those men aren't going to wait around for a long time for sex. I am sorry you have such a cynical and jaded attitude.

I have many many counter examples. For example -I invited my now husband over to my place on what was to be our first real date after getting back together. He bought me a necklace for my birthday and I asked him to put it around my neck. He of course was inches away from me but didn't try to kiss me. When, later, after our first kiss (well first kiss since we got back together) I asked him why he hadn't kissed me then he said because he didn't want me to think that he was taking advantage of the proximity to kiss me.

I've mostly been treated with respect and thoughtfully by the men I've dated and been serious with. I'm sorry you've had different experiences.

I've met and heard of a few men like that. I was good at screening and men who seemed to be focused on sex too much too soon didn't get a second date or sometimes even a first. And you can screen them out because those men aren't going to wait around for a long time for sex. I am sorry you have such a cynical and jaded attitude.

 

I have many many counter examples. For example -I invited my now husband over to my place on what was to be our first real date after getting back together. He bought me a necklace for my birthday and I asked him to put it around my neck. He of course was inches away from me but didn't try to kiss me. When, later, after our first kiss (well first kiss since we got back together) I asked him why he hadn't kissed me then he said because he didn't want me to think that he was taking advantage of the proximity to kiss me.

 

I've mostly been treated with respect and thoughtfully by the men I've dated and been serious with. I'm sorry you've had different experiences.

They've not all been bad. I did just mention a good experience vs a negative experience in my previous comment. Some have been the opposite end of the spectrum and wanted to settle down but I wasn't interested.

My picker is off there's no doubt about that but it has definitely improved in the last 2 years. Also I must give off vibes that attract the wrong type of man, poor boundaries etc. Just got to keep working on it.

They've not all been bad. I did just mention a good experience vs a negative experience in my previous comment. Some have been the opposite end of the spectrum and wanted to settle down but I wasn't interested.

 

My picker is off there's no doubt about that but it has definitely improved in the last 2 years. Also I must give off vibes that attract the wrong type of man, poor boundaries etc. Just got to keep working on it.

The thing is when you type a post that says

In my experience men will lie out of their Ahole about how much they care about you and see a future with you and they have been hurt in the past blah blah just to get you into bed."

It doesn't sound at all balanced as far as positive-negative -consider whether that mindset permeates the energy and vibes you give off.

The thing is when you type a post that says

In my experience men will lie out of their Ahole about how much they care about you and see a future with you and they have been hurt in the past blah blah just to get you into bed."

 

It doesn't sound at all balanced as far as positive-negative -consider whether that mindset permeates the energy and vibes you give off.

Not at all. I've got quite a positive opinion of men and relationships overall given my dating experiences. I'm just not in a place where I expect a relationship to work for me and I don't feel confident in my ability to function healthily in a relationship. There's no doubt that will come accross and attract unavailables and crazy's.

By my experience I'm not only talking about what has happened to me but how I have witnessed friends be treated and how I've seen events unfold after turning down men who have given me the whole "you're special" crap. I'd say my experience with men has been mostly negative dating wise but mostly positive platonic relationship wise. It evens out.

I'm glad you clarified your part in it but I find it a very sad and jaded statement -and that's how you will get in your own way with that mindset and sabotage things.

In all my serious healthy relationships we waited months before having sex and prior to that were sexual, had sleepovers, went on vacations, etc. That's what worked for me -for my comfort level, values and standards. I was true to myself and that probably helped me be more of myself in a relationship. The one time I had sex too soon for my comfort level I felt wrong about it and also very worried about a potential pregnancy.

I'm glad you clarified your part in it but I find it a very sad and jaded statement -and that's how you will get in your own way with that mindset and sabotage things.

 

In all my serious healthy relationships we waited months before having sex and prior to that were sexual, had sleepovers, went on vacations, etc. That's what worked for me -for my comfort level, values and standards. I was true to myself and that probably helped me be more of myself in a relationship. The one time I had sex too soon for my comfort level I felt wrong about it and also very worried about a potential pregnancy.

I don't think that's something I need to worry about, I won't be getting involved with anyone until I feel differently about dating. It's only been 3 months since I became single so I'm not expecting miracles. In the meantime I think it's important for me to learn from my past mistakes and learn how to separate the wheat from the chaff when I'm shown interest.

My focus is on my social life and career right now so I think when I'm feeling happy and settled in myself I will attract a lot better men. Probably will be too busy enjoying myself to be bothered though.

I don't think that's something I need to worry about, I won't be getting involved with anyone until I feel differently about dating. It's only been 3 months since I became single so I'm not expecting miracles. In the meantime I think it's important for me to learn from my past mistakes and learn how to separate the wheat from the chaff when I'm shown interest.

 

My focus is on my social life and career right now so I think when I'm feeling happy and settled in myself I will attract a lot better men. Probably will be too busy enjoying myself to be bothered though.

Sounds good. Your time is yours to spend as you wish, of course! One way to learn is by not dating at all. For me the best way to learn was by jumping right back in. Everyone learns differently and at their own pace.

Sounds good. Your time is yours to spend as you wish, of course! One way to learn is by not dating at all. For me the best way to learn was by jumping right back in. Everyone learns differently and at their own pace.

I've typically been single (without any dating whatsoever) at least 6 months between each relationship until I either feel I want to meet somebody or I meet someone who alerts me to the potential of a relationship. Then I just kind of end up with someone without really dating.

Been feeling quite sad today about things. I kind of feel a bit stuck.

I've typically been single (without any dating whatsoever) at least 6 months between each relationship until I either feel I want to meet somebody or I meet someone who alerts me to the potential of a relationship. Then I just kind of end up with someone without really dating.

 

Been feeling quite sad today about things. I kind of feel a bit stuck.

Sorry you felt sad! Hope today is better. I never felt I could afford to wait 6 months because of my desire for marriage and the opportunity to conceive a child. In certain cases maybe I should have waited longer. I always felt I wanted to meet someone for marriage/family. Timing is up to you of course!

Yesterday I felt unusually sad and out of control (and also stuck in the sense that I was on a family road trip and couldn't just leave which is what I really wanted to do so that I didn't create more conflict). Turned out to be PMS which in my old age has been getting worse in different ways than when I was younger, including moodiness. I stayed the course and my spirits lifted enough, felt more centered. It was so hard to "wait" though and feel like a ticking time bomb. So I get it. When I was dating/searching I often felt hopeless about that and jealous of those who seemingly had it easier. I hope you're fighting the urge to compare with others -I find that so harmful and so hard to avoid too.

Hope today is better.

Just wanted to chime in. Bringing up sex as a point of discussion is a lot different than pushing for it.

My first date with my wife we actually talked about sex a bit. I find it to be an integral part of any relationship. Also I liked to give the disclaimer that I have a really high libido and if the other person doesn't then there isn't much hope for us. No point investing time with someone who is incompatible sexually with me.

We also waited quite awhile before having sex.

Just wanted to chime in. Bringing up sex as a point of discussion is a lot different than pushing for it.

 

My first date with my wife we actually talked about sex a bit. I find it to be an integral part of any relationship. Also I liked to give the disclaimer that I have a really high libido and if the other person doesn't then there isn't much hope for us. No point investing time with someone who is incompatible sexually with me.

 

We also waited quite awhile before having sex.

I think it depends on what the convo was about, the context/timing, etc. I do agree that high libido doesn't have any relevant connection to when sex occurs. Typically when sex was brought up during a first meet or first date in my experiences it usually had to do with - feeling out the situation to see if I'd have sex that night or casual sex, how I felt about his past promiscuity with TMI, how I felt about strip clubs and similar. I would have been fine with a discussion about "look, we're adults, so if we get involved I want you to know ____ about me". I declined to meet one guy - several times since he would contact me every few months forgetting he'd done so already - because after 4 paragraphs that sounded like he'd be the perfect match he'd mention his sexual fetish, that he was "ok" if the person didn't end up wanting to participate but that the woman would have to be willing to try and that it was his strong preference that she participate. I was always glad he shared that up front -saved both of us from wasting time.

I think it depends on what the convo was about, the context/timing, etc. I do agree that high libido doesn't have any relevant connection to when sex occurs. Typically when sex was brought up during a first meet or first date in my experiences it usually had to do with - feeling out the situation to see if I'd have sex that night or casual sex, how I felt about his past promiscuity with TMI, how I felt about strip clubs and similar. I would have been fine with a discussion about "look, we're adults, so if we get involved I want you to know ____ about me". I declined to meet one guy - several times since he would contact me every few months forgetting he'd done so already - because after 4 paragraphs that sounded like he'd be the perfect match he'd mention his sexual fetish, that he was "ok" if the person didn't end up wanting to participate but that the woman would have to be willing to try and that it was his strong preference that she participate. I was always glad he shared that up front -saved both of us from wasting time.

Yeah everything depends on context.

I remember my wife telling me much later that she was really impressed at how we had a very mature 10 minute convo about sex with me and there was no alterior motive, only an attempt to compare our compatibility.

It actually helped my chances a lot because she went into it with a fairly negative social assessment of me. Her friends thought I was "bad news" so having that talk changed her mind about me a lot.

Yeah everything depends on context.

 

I remember my wife telling me much later that she was really impressed at how we had a very mature 10 minute convo about sex with me and there was no alterior motive, only an attempt to compare our compatibility.

 

It actually helped my chances a lot because she went into it with a fairly negative social assessment of me. Her friends thought I was "bad news" so having that talk changed her mind about me a lot.

You know, that is really impressive. You knew you needed to bring up the topic, you knew you had genuine intentions for doing so and of course in part you wanted to make sure you weren't wasting each other's time. It's hard to do that right with someone you are just getting to know and you did and obviously it worked beautifully.