Dating and No Intercourse after 5 months.

Hi, I have been dating a guy for 5 months that I really care for. He's sweet, taller than me (lol), handsome, mature, opens doors, buys me gifts, gives me compliments, loves to take me out, he's a grown man. I really, really like him.

 

However, we can't make love. Not because he doesn't want to or because I don't want to. It's because he has ED from being a diabetic. He is 56 and I am 48. We have been intimate, kissing, hugging, touching, oral. He can climax, (which I didn't know men could do without being erect) if I go down on him or by us grinding. Pills don't work.

 

Here's the thing I can't seem to relax enough to allow myself to climax while he's giving me oral or relax enough to climax if he is manually stimulating me. I can do it myself with him there touching me and kissing me. I don't know how to ask for or show him what it is that I need. It bothers him that he can't make me climax. He feels insecure because he can't get it up and even more so that he can't get me to climax orally. He had the nerve to complain, (saying my lady having to rub herself off every time is not working for me) which pissed me off because I'm like dude listen to what you are saying to me.

 

Which led to us having a long honest talk. Where he explained that he is very insecure about our relationship because of past experiences where the women couldn't accept that they probably would never have intercourse and that his little outburst was about him and his feelings.

 

Now that I've told you all the business here are my questions?

 

For the women: Have you ever dated a man with ED? If so for how long? And how did you handle it? What things did you do to get that intimacy? I need to learn how to relax. I'm always so worried about him worrying he's not pleasing me until I can't enjoy myself.

 

For the men: What do you think that I can do to make him feel more secure? Have any of you experienced this?

Put on a blind fold and go with the sensations. Don't be afraid to kindly tell him to move so that you feel you're going to pop.

 

Stop putting so much pressure on one another and just learn to relax and give instruction. Incorporate toys even.

 

The blindfold should help you to focus only on the sensations and get you out of your own head. (hopefully)

 

Good luck.

Put on a blind fold and go with the sensations.

Pippy does this with me when she wants to roleplay as Helen Keller. What was the sensation you described, Pippy? Something about an 8.0 earthquake?

Do you normally climax during oral sex, or, just not with him?

What I like here is that you've been able to have an honest conversation with him, where he admitted to saying something hurtful based on past experiences. That right there is a big man.

 

As for the ED with diabetes, a quick google search revealed to me the commonplace nature of this issue.

 

I think a lot of understanding, and a little communication, will go a long way towards a resolution that will work for you both.

 

He sounds like a terrific guy with an unfortunate issue. He also sounds like he's very sensitive about the issue but willing to talk through/work through it with you.

Do you normally climax during oral sex, or, just not with him?

 

Funny thing is I am recently divorced after 20 years and sex with my husband was terrible. I most often masturbated and I believe I'm conditioned to that now. I also believe that is why I'm so easily accepting of my new s/o's issue because I was used to NOT having sex, except with myself. The difference here is I enjoy hugging and kissing and pleasing him and I love how he makes me feel and talks to me; not at me. Anyway. It happened once. I think I just can't get out of my head

He is a great guy. He's a communicator. I guess he's been dealing with this for so long, he's like I'm gonna be open and honest. However, sometimes I can tell it bothers him. Just like I'm thinking I don't want him to feel bad about this; I can tell he's feeling the same about it for me.

Pippy does this with me when she wants to roleplay as Helen Keller. What was the sensation you described, Pippy? Something about an 8.0 earthquake?

 

I am actually snorting like a pig here

If he has ED --- have you asked if he has looked in anything medically that he can do about it -- sometimes medications have that as a side effect. Also, is he type 1 or type 2? if he is type 2, it could be that lifestyle changes -- weight loss, further attention to diet, could reduce his dependency on these medications that cause ED. Or if its something that is not a medical side effect and he has always had it, has he talked to his doctor about it?

 

Which led to us having a long honest talk. Where he explained that he is very insecure about our relationship because of past experiences where the women couldn't accept that they probably would never have intercourse and that his little outburst was about him and his feelings.

 

So instead of looking into ways how he COULD have intercourse, he is blaming women for having a problem with it?

 

I would not have an issue if a man was perfect in every way for me except he had ED and was actively LOOKING to improve it -- always trying to adjust his diet, trying to get healthy to get off meds, taking supplements, etc. even trying counseling. The problem i would have is "i won't fully invest in you in case you have a problem with my problem that i am not interested in addressing?" It does sound like part of it could be emotional rather too.

Pippy does this with me when she wants to roleplay as Helen Keller. What was the sensation you described, Pippy? Something about an 8.0 earthquake?

 

I can give you two my Expedia points for a room if ya want. lolzzz

Type2. He is very fit. Doesn't smoke. Drinks occasionally. Runs marathons. He made lifestyle changes. He uses to be over weight

If he's Type 2, is he on diabetes meds to control A1C?

Is he stimulating you with the proper amount of pressure with his tongue/touch? If not, you may need to guide him. I had this issue early on in my relationship. I was stressed out and felt I had to "perform" as a female. That is, climax. Maybe try some music (corny yes, but dead silence is no fun when he is busy), drink some wine, etc. to chill a bit. Sometimes I use my "imagination" to help take me there. Things have improved with me and it is no longer an issue. I never dated anyone with ED, but I am currently in my 50's and if that happened, I would likely just try to work around it. My BF has a chronic illness that could lead to that, so I am accepting of it, should that occur. He is worth it. Good luck.

Not all people climax through oral sex. Why is it so important to him that you do? I think it's great that you are enjoying the relationship as a whole. He is mistakenly wrapping up his self-worth as a man with his inability to bring you to orgasm. He should be happy that you are enjoying yourself and not putting any undo pressure on him.

 

Let him know that he makes you happy and that you enjoy masturbating in front of him. As someone else mentioned, he can use toys on you. He shouldn't be so focused on trying to make you orgasm in only one way, and then getting angry with you on top of it. At his age, he should realize that we each have our own things that bring us pleasure. If he absolutely loves giving oral sex, let him, if it doesn't bother you. But, for him to expect you to respond in a certain way is extremely immature. Sex is about an entire experience, not about pushing Button A to get Response B. It seems like he is the one who needs to relax.