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Are we breaking up? How to act around him?


saar87

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Hello,

I have a problem to which I can't find a solution by myself and would love some advice! Here is the short story:

 

6 months ago I went to an event about 6 hours from my home and met a guy there, there was an instant spark and after the event we continued to talk online on messenger/skype. We talk like everyday, the whole day and feel a deep connection. After some months we decided it was time to meet again and I drove 6 hours to see him. We had the best weekend ever together (no sex yet) and after I got home he kept telling me how special it was for him and he would love to see me again. So 2 weeks later we met again, again most wonderful weekend together and this time we also had sex (it was his first time ever, which made it extra special) and he told me how much he loves me and wants to be with me. When I get home we continue talking like usual, except even more close. He tells me everyday how much he loves me, misses me, needs me in his life. He doesn't have many friends, none actually so I'm everything for him. He is a little younger than me and started University this week. I asked him two days ago when he thought we could meet again and he tells me he doesn't know because he will be so busy with school, he doesn't seem to find time anytime soon. I told him I'm okay with this and I would wait for him and he told me how happy he was to hear this. A couple of hours later I notice he's being a bit different to me and I ask what's wrong, he claims nothing but i keep asking and he tells me suddenly it hurts him so much to want me, when we can not be together anytime soon and he's not ready for this. That he is broken inside from past experiences and he can not love me fully. I don't get it, cause all days, weeks,months before he seemed to love me just fine!! After telling me this he told me he didn't want to talk anymore because he was too sad to talk. I thought I'd give him some time and space and didnt send messages, but when I don't send anything for a couple of hours he starts sending messages himself.. Like little emoji or pics on snap with nothing interesting but still trying to get my attention I guess? Yesterday we talked a little but still not like how it was before, although he did send some heart emoji's again like he used to do all the time, but still it breaks my heart. It's like we're strangers suddenly. I don't know how to act.. He has struggled with sadness before, when I talk about subjects he has a hard time with, he shuts down completely and it takes some time for him to get in a better mood.

Is this a break up? Does he simply need some time? How do I talk to him? Any advice would be very much appreciated!!

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I don't think this is going to work out, unfortunately.

 

He sounds like he really is not ready for a relationship. He was infatuated and I'm sure he liked you a lot, but it sounds like he got carried away with the initial thrill before reality set in. Maintaining a relationship with a guy who blows hot and cold is very difficult and usually doesn't end well.

 

I know you are hurt, but keep in mind that you have only known him 6 months. This is still the period in which you are unwrapping the real person and getting to know him. A red flag is that he has no friends apart from you, and was professing love so frequently so early on. Those can be signs of someone who is not altogether emotionally grounded, or just plain too inexperienced to have a mature and long-term relationship that develops naturally over time. You are learning who he really is and it doesn't appear a relationship, especially a long-distance one, is in the cards.

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I don't think this is going to work out, unfortunately.

 

He sounds like he really is not ready for a relationship. He was infatuated and I'm sure he liked you a lot, but it sounds like he got carried away with the initial thrill before reality set in. Maintaining a relationship with a guy who blows hot and cold is very difficult and usually doesn't end well.

 

I know you are hurt, but keep in mind that you have only known him 6 months. This is still the period in which you are unwrapping the real person and getting to know him. A red flag is that he has no friends apart from you, and was professing love so frequently so early on. Those can be signs of someone who is not altogether emotionally grounded, or just plain too inexperienced to have a mature and long-term relationship that develops naturally over time. You are learning who he really is and it doesn't appear a relationship, especially a long-distance one, is in the cards.

 

Thanks for your response! Unfortunatly I'm thinking the same.. I just needed to hear it from other people I guess. The fact that he doesn't have any friends anymore is what makes him sad all the time and he told me people always leave so he learned to depend on just himself. I guess I should have known already this is not a good sign. He told me many times he was afraid to hurt me because he always hurts the people he loves. When I ask why he shuts down, can't talk, so idk what happened.. He's still sending me messages, today also kisses and hearts. Should I ignore him? Tell him I don't want to talk when it's like this? I'm afraid to lose him because he was a huge part of my life the last months but I think there is no other way. Or am I giving up too soon?

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You are not the one giving when he's already told you he is not ready.

 

If everyone in his life leaves, you have to wonder why he is the common denominator. There is usually more to that. That doesn't mean he's a bad person but there could well be something about him that puts people off.

 

I think that yes, I would tell him the lovey-dovey talk is confusing and unfair when he's already told he is not ready for a relationship. He doesn't get to keep you around for affection and attention at his convenience if he has already decided he does not want a girlfriend.

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Yes true! I will talk to him tonight when he gets home from school. I can not keep talking to him like this because it hurts me too much when he is being short or distant, even if it's with kisses and hearts in between. I thought maybe he just needed some time to figure things out but eventually he'll still want to be with me. But even if he does, I guess it can not end well if he keeps being like this. He's only 18 years old, I'm 25. He seemed very mature at first but when it comes to emotions there is something not right and I can not fix this.

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Is this a breakup? No.

 

Why is this not a break up? Because you are not and have never have been together.

 

A cyberfriendship where you have met a small handful of times, sex included or not, is not a relationship.

 

He is pulling away because of the distance, which is what is causing trhis to not be a relationship. If you were both in the same place, no doubt something more would happen.

 

Keep him as a cyberfriend, but try to find someone local to date.

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Is this a breakup? No.

 

Why is this not a break up? Because you are not and have never have been together.

 

A cyberfriendship where you have met a small handful of times, sex included or not, is not a relationship.

 

He is pulling away because of the distance, which is what is causing trhis to not be a relationship. If you were both in the same place, no doubt something more would happen.

 

Keep him as a cyberfriend, but try to find someone local to date.

 

You are right, we never made things official but we were so much into eachother I assumed things would work itself out. We talked about being together in the future and finding ways to make it work but yesterday suddenly he told me he's not ready.

Keeping him as a cyberfriend I don't know if I can do at this point, because the way we talk to eachother now hurts me too much.

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I hate to use a cliche, but he is too young for you anyway.

 

No, it's not a huge difference, in terms of numbers. However, you are at very different stages, emotionally and in terms of experience. Generally, people at 18 don't know themselves yet and are just embarking on a new chapter in life (college, independence, dating around) It's not the ideal time for a relationship, especially given that you have likely already experienced a lot of that and are hoping for something more serious.

 

Also, it doesn't make much sense that he was professing his love for you over and over, and yet never made you his girlfriend. Something is off there.

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When we started seeing eachother he was 17 (minor) and lives with his parents, I think he didn't really had the guts to tell them since they are very strict with him. So I never asked that of him because for me it was also a weird situation since I was never in love with someone so much younger. Anyway, I guess I should tell him tonight I can not stay in contact with him atm, I know it will hurt him a lot ( "people always leave" ) and now I will leave too. But he made the decision and should face the consequentions I guess?

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Interesting... normally I'm on the same page with everyone, but this time I am not. I'll chime in with a different perspective.

 

You say you talk all day, everyday. That's super intense and not sustainable. I'm not sure how you even do that (what do you do in life? Do you work? Go to school?)

 

The guy just started school this week which is exciting and new for him. Frankly, he has NO idea how much time he will or will not have on his hands. He has never been to university before and I'm sure he's projecting that he'll be busy 24/7 (which we know is not the case).

 

Now, he's having a mini freak-out over the increased intimacy and the distance. Normal.

 

The time periods you describe is in hours. Over the last 24 hours he's been weird, but he's still texting you every day, multiple times a day. He did express some doubts but i didn't hear where he wants to break up with you?

 

Personally, I think it's definitely premature to jump to conclusions about the future of the relationship.

 

I think you should give him some space and let him ride through his emotions and get through the first couple of weeks of school. Sure - it may end here... but he may also just be having a freak out (measured in hours). The level of contact you have is not sustainable.

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Yes, he has to realize there are consequences for his decisions. It is not realistic that he tells you he doesn't want a relationship but expects you to not to walk away. He is very emotionally immature.

 

And when you can't go public with your relationship because he is (was) underage, you're in an untenable situation anyway. He is barely an adult now and has a long way to go before he will be ready or able to offer someone a committed, long-term relationship.

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I think this is definitely a prime example of how people mistake that initial spark and the intensity of meeting someone new , as actual love ... when it actually isn't ....it feels like it ... but there is a cold reality to all of these situations , and that is simply ..it is infatuation that passes , not love .

 

I think he is doing you a favour , there is a post a day about one half of a relationship going off to college and uni , and the other left behind wondering what the hell is going on ...he is starting a brand new journey and if you are confused and bewildered now , imagine another 6 months down the line . However he doesn't get to do this then send you heart emojis and keep you on board .....it is over ..so walk away from him , this about looking after yourself and not helping him wean himself off you .

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Interesting... normally I'm on the same page with everyone, but this time I am not. I'll chime in with a different perspective.

 

You say you talk all day, everyday. That's super intense and not sustainable. I'm not sure how you even do that (what do you do in life? Do you work? Go to school?)

 

The guy just started school this week which is exciting and new for him. Frankly, he has NO idea how much time he will or will not have on his hands. He has never been to university before and I'm sure he's projecting that he'll be busy 24/7 (which we know is not the case).

 

Now, he's having a mini freak-out over the increased intimacy and the distance. Normal.

 

The time periods you describe is in hours. Over the last 24 hours he's been weird, but he's still texting you every day, multiple times a day. He did express some doubts but i didn't hear where he wants to break up with you?

 

Personally, I think it's definitely premature to jump to conclusions about the future of the relationship.

 

I think you should give him some space and let him ride through his emotions and get through the first couple of weeks of school. Sure - it may end here... but he may also just be having a freak out (measured in hours). The level of contact you have is not sustainable.

 

Thanks for your perspective! Maybe it's true he is just freaking out a bit, I know the first few days at uni are a bit stressy and professors constantly remind their students how much time they will need to invest in their studies (been there). So maybe he just needs to see it's not really as bad as they want you to believe. Maybe I need to take some distance also? Let him figure this out by himself? Btw by talking all day I mean not we have really long and deep conversations all day but we just check in multiple times during the day. I'm self employed, he was on holiday. Now that he's at school we talk less cause he needs to focus on that also. I'll just wait and see maybe.

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I don't know, OP. I still think the age gap and obvious difference in maturity levels and life stages would make a relationship with him very difficult to sustain.

 

I agree, I still don't know what to do either. Today he initiated contact again. He finished school and within 1 minute he sent me a message and some hearts. When I respond, he's being short again until I decide not to answer anymore. Then he starts talking again. I'm going away with friends this weekend and I'm not going to respond to his messages or at least not too much. Let things sink in a little bit and see what happens.

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I agree, I still don't know what to do either. Today he initiated contact again. He finished school and within 1 minute he sent me a message and some hearts. When I respond, he's being short again until I decide not to answer anymore. Then he starts talking again. I'm going away with friends this weekend and I'm not going to respond to his messages or at least not too much. Let things sink in a little bit and see what happens.

 

push pull ...you pull away ..so he pushes ...you push back , he pulls away ......cut yourself free from this BS

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So we're now 1 week after we had this talk. We are still in contact everyday but not as much as before. He still initiates contact, sends me heart emojis, asks for attention and told me once he still wants me. It's really confusing because I really still want him too, but it's so complicated. Part of me wants to go NC so I can move on but other part of me wants to talk to him like we always used to do. Yesterday I talked about things we could do when we see eachother again, to see his reaction and he agreed. He didn't say we won't meet again or he doesn't want to..

I need help It's so hard.

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