remain as friends with my ex?

I broke up with my ex last Nov, claiming that my feelings for her have faded. However we remained really close still, doing things together like we never separated. This May, I tried asking her back but she has a sudden change of mind. She became distant, rejected me although I begged many times. It was a long and draggy period.. I found out that she had someone new, although she claimed that nothing serious is going on and she just treated him like me. She kept asking me to move on, although she shows mixed signals too.. I tried again to ask her to give us a chance to work things out recently, but she denied again.. saying she doesnt want to be selfish and lead me on again.

It's complicated, we both acknowledged that we only missed the old us and the current us has changed so much that it's impossible for us to be together again now.

So now I am stuck, missing her very badly everyday. Is it really so difficult to be friends now? Do I really have to leave her alone so that we can totally heal before we can be friends again?

You cannot be friends if there are feelings. As you clearly can see.

No contact.

You have helped each other through the break up and the phase after breaking up, now the usefulness of being friends for now has gone. There will still be time in your life to be friends with her, way way down the track, but for now, it is time to remove her from your life and move on from her completely.

As I say, down the track, many years from now, friends can happen with her, but likely you will be married, with kids and you'll bump into her on the street, say hi and keep walking.

Yes, it really is that difficult to be friends with an ex. You have feelings for her, but she doesn't feel that way about you. You do need to leave her alone now. Most exes drift out of each other's lives, and eventually fall out of touch. That process has already begun for you two.

Also, if she is seeing someone else, it's not likely that her new guy is going to be thrilled that her ex who's still in love with her is trying to be close to her. Would you?

She is setting boundaries for herself, and for you, really. You'll never move on if you're always trying to get her back or stay in her life in some way. Being friends is not realistic at this time.

thanks all for ur replies.. the complicated part is, we work together. I see her pretty often at work and I can see that she tries hard to have eye contact and chit chat with me. We talked about it and also think that it is too difficult to treat each other as strangers, we tried that 1month back during a short period of no contact.

She is not together with the new guy yet, she claims that she will not get tgt with him.. but I know that doesnt stop her from falling in love with him. We talked about our feelings, and we both acknowledged that both our feelings have indeed faded.. but why am I still so affected and possessive?

You are still affected because you still love her and didn't want to break up. Your feelings are not as faded as you say, which is normal.

Stay professional at work, but don't get into friendly chit-chat with her. Be civil but keep your distance. It doesn't matter too much if she's serious with the new guy or not. The point remains that she does not see a future with you, I'm afraid. If it's not him, it will be someone else, eventually.

thats heartbreakingly true.. she doesnt see a future with me sigh. i do not know how to live with my regrets.. all the should haves could haves are flooding my mind. have been trying to keep myself busy too, but everytime i wake up in the morning i feel the loss n pain in my heart.

thats heartbreakingly true.. she doesnt see a future with me sigh. i do not know how to live with my regrets.. all the should haves could haves are flooding my mind. have been trying to keep myself busy too, but everytime i wake up in the morning i feel the loss n pain in my heart.

It'll fade. Nothing you can do except NC as much as possible and just living life. This is why dating coworkers is not recommended ..

thats heartbreakingly true.. she doesnt see a future with me sigh. i do not know how to live with my regrets.. all the should haves could haves are flooding my mind. have been trying to keep myself busy too, but everytime i wake up in the morning i feel the loss n pain in my heart.

You treat all those should have's and could have's as a lesson for your next relationship - mistakes not to be repeated. Meanwhile you need to regain control of yourself by establishing some boundaries with her as well. It will make you feel better in the end. So be civil at work, but distance yourself from any unnecessary chatter and contact that's not work related.

Btw, take anything she says about the new guy with a giant grain of salt. She'd have to be a pretty cruel person to start gushing at you how great the new guy is and how they did x, y, and z last night. Especially since it's clear that you aren't taking the situation well and aren't really being a platonic friend.

She was waving the flag of being 'friends' in order to emotionally separate and to relieve her guilt from ending the relationship. She had zero intention of getting back with you. You are confused because you thought hanging out with you meant there was a chance. There never was.

And I know you are carrying the guilt with you thinking it was because of you that the break up happened. You said that you have regrets and the "coulda, woulda, shoulda" is haunting you. Im here to tell you to drop them. Who is to say that if you were the perfect BF she wouldn't of broken up with you anyway? She would of found another reason to. She wanted out and used whatever reason to get out. Remember it takes two to make a relationship work. So do think the break up was only because of you.

So you have to begin to emotionally detach from her. Doesn't matter if she says anymore about her relationship. Saying she doesn't see a future with this guy because that line could be something to make you feel better and soften the blow. She is with him now that's what her actions say.

This is the best thing to happen to you. She was not the one meant for you and you have to believe it. If I may suggest, see if your work has an EAP that you can use. You can possibly get counseling sessions at no cost to you and I think that might be in order. Look into it and know you will be just fine.

i am probably very silly, but i agreed to go for lunch with her before going to work together tomorrow. i don't really understand her actions.. she isn't avoiding me, she very much wants to get attention from me. when she sees me at work she would hang around waiting to talk or smile.. i know i shouldnt pin any hopes of her returning anymore, i could be friends with her. but the thought of them together just consumes me. i feel that she has betrayed my trust, and everytime i think of that i just get very upset and angry.

i am probably very silly, but i agreed to go for lunch with her before going to work together tomorrow. i don't really understand her actions.. she isn't avoiding me, she very much wants to get attention from me. when she sees me at work she would hang around waiting to talk or smile.. i know i shouldnt pin any hopes of her returning anymore, i could be friends with her. but the thought of them together just consumes me. i feel that she has betrayed my trust, and everytime i think of that i just get very upset and angry.

This isn't a good idea and will setback your healing but you'll probably have to learn this yourself.

I made these same mistakes but eventually learned they were never beneficial and just left me more confused.

i am probably very silly, but i agreed to go for lunch with her before going to work together tomorrow. i don't really understand her actions.. she isn't avoiding me, she very much wants to get attention from me.

She's easing her own guilt, and you're helping her do just that. There's nothing confusing here, as it's all about her.

i am probably very silly, but i agreed to go for lunch with her before going to work together tomorrow. i don't really understand her actions.. she isn't avoiding me, she very much wants to get attention from me. when she sees me at work she would hang around waiting to talk or smile.. i know i shouldnt pin any hopes of her returning anymore, i could be friends with her. but the thought of them together just consumes me. i feel that she has betrayed my trust, and everytime i think of that i just get very upset and angry.

You are sabotaging your recovery. You should stop all of the social interaction, this includes phone calls, emails and texts, unless work related.

I don't understand what you are confused about? She lost her feelings and wants a platonic relationship. This is not possible because you have feelings.

Silly wouldn't be a word I would use, but buyer beware. You have gotten great advice and just remember. From this day on, if you talk to her because you wanted to see if there is a chance and you suffer any pain or sadness from it. It is because you asked for it.

There are some people that see a sign that says "Wet Paint" and accept it. There are those that see "Wet Paint" and have to touch the item, then complain when they have paint on them.

Having lunch with her is a really, really bad idea.

yes i am silly guys but we went ahead, anyway. the lunch went well, and even working side by side(she even arranged to sit next to me) was ok.. and it is really confusing, our company provides transport home but she hinted and insisted that i could give her a lift home on my car. we talked normally throughout the day and parted amicably as well.. the next day when we continued to text about some issues she started to sound distant again. after a few texts i got fed up and stopped texting even though i felt like . when i saw her during the later part of the day, she tried to catch my attention and waved n smiled to me too..

her actions really got me really confused. why are her actions hot and cold? is it really easier for the dumper to behave as a "friend"?

For every answer you get, you are going to ask 10 other questions. I dont think you have fully accepted that it is over and in a little bit of denial. If you accepted that it is over and that she is not coming back and you cant be friends with her right now. Then all the questions would go away.

It has been said already that being with you is to ease her guilt and ease her transition. It is of no benefit of yours. You still hold out hope and look for any hint of a spark. There is none, its over.

yes i am silly guys but we went ahead, anyway. the lunch went well, and even working side by side(she even arranged to sit next to me) was ok.. and it is really confusing, our company provides transport home but she hinted and insisted that i could give her a lift home on my car. we talked normally throughout the day and parted amicably as well.. the next day when we continued to text about some issues she started to sound distant again. after a few texts i got fed up and stopped texting even though i felt like . when i saw her during the later part of the day, she tried to catch my attention and waved n smiled to me too..

her actions really got me really confused. why are her actions hot and cold? is it really easier for the dumper to behave as a "friend"?

Sucks man sorry it's happening to you. You'll probably go down this road for a while it happens until you realise that what everyone says is actually true. I ignored everyone too, but since this week we haven't spoke and it's been a million times easier than trying to be friends. Trust us all, if she's doing all this hot and cold crap it will get to you

I'm pretty sure I went insane the past couple months of our 'friendship', maybe in the future you can be friends but by that point you might not want too be. Chin up X

I'm sorry this has happened to you. It happened to me too. Any benefit of spending time or small communication is only a benefit to her. As long as you romantically desire her, and it is not returned, you will suffer.

Walk away and don't look back.

If it helps...I told my ex that I could not be her friend knowing that she was into another guy. I told her I loved her and to please not communicate with me unless she changed her mind about wanting to work on us. I told her I was not her plan "b".

It hurts. She was my best friend, but I am no longer in any knowledge about her, and that is helping me recover. Talking with her and being a friend kept me in limbo and cushioned the breakup for her.

She needs to feel your absence. In that absence, you just might realize why she's not a good fit for you. Give her a consequence for altering the terms of the relationship...your presence in her life is gone for now.

In time? Yes, you can speak again, but doing so now only leads to your suffering.

In simple terms, you can only be friends if you no longer desire her romantically. You like me, are nowhere in that vicinity.

i am sorry this happened to u too.. its really sucky. i dont know how u guys do it, but i feel like i cant let go of what we had. i dont understand myself either.. i feel like my feelings for her aren't that strong anymore, but i still cant let go of what we had. i keep wanting to relive all those moments, and i know.. they are never coming back. but i feel so stuck.

talking to her really didnt help.. everything felt so staged n forced. even at times when we started talking normally it will soon revert to an awkward stage again bcoz me/she will feel that we shouldnt be so close.

i dont understand how she can move on so quickly. she said she still think of us, the things we used to like to do, the places we went.. but the feeling is different. she just wants us to be friends. i think of us very often too, the feelings are different too i dont feel so much love for her at all too, but i cant let go..

i am really a mess now. either way i move im slapping myself in the face..