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Dynamic in my office makes me stressed out


Alex39

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So I started at my job two years ago. I was fresh out of college and I have learned so much in this time. I started feeling confident in myself and my work as time was passing. My office is small, 6 people, and they have been all really supportive of me. The secretary of the office and I were close. She was in her 30s and I saw her as a wise role model. I didn't have a problem with my boss until recently. Firstly, I have started noticing all of my ideas starting to become his. I brought up a ton a great marketing ideas when I first arrived. Most of which seemed too over his head and most of which were turned down. This year however, my boss and I meet one on one, and he brings up ideas. The same ideas I brought up as changes I think needed to happen. He brings them up as if he thought of this brilliant new thing we should be doing and he wants me to execute his vision. Once is a coincidence, but now it has been time and time again. All the while he got a promotion and raise this year, and I saw nothing more.

 

Unfortunately this past March our secretary sprung on us that she got another job making more money. She was the best secretary and I think my boss was dying that she was going to leave him. He was freaking out. I don't think he knew half of the stuff she did or how to do it.

 

Two weeks later she was gone and he was looking for replacements. He told us we had all summer to look and he wanted us all involved with whom was chosen to make sure it was a good fit. He said we had all the time in the world, and he wasn't going to choose quickly to fill it.

 

Our office was known as one of the better ones at our company so we got a lot of applicants. I started noticing that my boss was barely looking at all the resumes and interested candidates. I had friends of mine apply, and they had all the right qualifications. I even suggested they call him in person to inquire, as my boss loved people who called, and my friends were told that they were being "considered". I don't think they were ever considered. He never interviewed them, emailed them, or talked to them on the phone. The first 5 or so applicants he seemed to immediately count as the only ones. He had us spend our work time talking to them and interviewing them, like he really cared about our input.

 

I think my boss was lazy. One applicant was great. She worked temporarily for a larger, more high pressure corporation. She was very professional and smart. She ran their internship program, so worked with college kids. We had interns too, so we needed someone who was used to that and that role would be in charge of that. My boss said she wasn't the right fit with him. She "didn't fit with his personality." I started noticing he was looking for someone he could control. Someone who would do anything he said and who wasn't a strong woman. He kept saying he wanted someone he could teach and mold into what he needed. So then I saw why my friends were not considered. They were strong, smart, independent young people.

 

We interviewed a woman my age. I was excited thinking someone 23 would freshen up our office with me, since the other workers were my parents age. She wasn't polished or professional. She worked doing marketing for a small organization. She wasn't a secretary running an office. My boss loved her. I was shocked. He hired her weeks later, because he felt she clicked with him personality wise. As much as he said he wanted us involved, in the end he picked whom he wanted. We kept getting great applications in and he wasn't even considering them. He rushed and hired someone.

 

She started in June. So much for spending the summer finding someone good.

 

Ever since its been a nightmare. I liked her at first. We chatted and she seemed nice. A week into her working our organization offered a cheap deal for a summer trip to europe for employees. I was considering it. She ran in, asked my boss for the 8 days off for the trip. The trip was in a month Who goes on a vacation a month into working somewhere, when it wasn't pre-planned? I was shocked. Who starts working and asks for time off one week in? Let alone a trip through work to europe. It wasn't pre-planned. Nor she and I ended up going, but I found it very strange on her part. I earned the time. I would have never been so forward to ask him that after one week.

 

Then I started hanging out with her at lunch. The way she talked and acted was off. She acted privileged and entitled. Talking about the certain places she shopped for work clothes, expensive places like those were the greatest places to go. I wasn't poor, but I had to bargain shop because I didn't have that luxury. I looked nice no matter what. She would talk about her life and some of it was a little bragging. Everything was too great and happy and fake. I was raised very humble and hard working. I hate people who act like she does, but I continued to try and be friends. I was still riding the new young co worker high.

 

She invited me a party at her house. I was so excited.

 

I wanted to meet new friends. When I went there, it was horrible. People were not friendly. They didn't care to talk to me or know me. I tried to talk to people and be friendly, but they didn't keep the conversation going with me and they would just get up and walk away. At times, I was left by myself. I was so disappointed. These people were entitled acting too. They all were. Not my scene at all.

 

After that, things went downhill with her. My boss had me doing the old secretary's work until we got someone new, but it was poorly communicated what or when I should start giving the work to the new girl. At times, I would be doing a task and my boss had her doing it too, without either of us knowing. Then it started getting a bit competitive, whom did it better. In my mind, he as our boss, should have made sure things were organized with this process so there was no issues.

 

Then I was still trying to lead her and tell her how the office and company worked, as he wanted me to. She was new still. She hadn't experienced any event planning or how the organization worked.

 

When I started, the old secretary did that for me, and I learned so much from her.

 

She started ignoring me when I would tell her something and roll her eyes. I was trying to tell her something important and she literally didn't acknowledge me.

 

When I hear her talking about doing something I know our company cannot do, I will pipe in and try to tell her we aren't allowed to do it. She doesn't thank me or acknowledge me half the time. Its tense. I think she thinks I am trying to tell her what to do, but I am just trying to tell her how things work, so nothing goes wrong in our office. Customers will come in and sometimes she will give them the wrong information. I will pipe in to correct, and again things are tense. She makes things up to tell people in person and on the phone. Its not professional. Giving them information she thinks is right. I've heard her on the phone questioning if we can offer the person on the phone a certain service. She will tell them we can't, I will pipe in trying to be helpful and tell her that we can and to let them know. She seems to get annoyed by this.

 

I don't think my boss knows what is going on with her either. She knocks on his door all the time asking him questions. She acts like she knows it all, but she doesn't. She is supposed to coordinate the office, but sometimes when she leaves his office she will come over and question my work and what I am doing. Sometimes she even tries to tell me what to do. She isn't my boss. I think my boss is asking her to find out things as the office secretary, but he should be asking me himself. I get frustrated and angry when I find her checking in on me. She has only been here for a few months. I know what I am doing. She doesn't respect me. I hate it. The atmosphere has gotten so negative for me. I am unhappy. It makes me so upset. I love my job. I love my other co workers. I used to work in such a great environment. I don't want to leave, but I hate working with her.

 

I feel like I am sweeping up after her and she doesn't care and no one sees how much good I've done.

 

Then she preaches all her marketing skills and computer skills. Well thats my job, not hers. She is a secretary and that is the job she took. Now I have been noticing my boss adds her to some of our email conversations. He mentions her to me all the time like he might want to use her marketing skills. It makes me upset. Thats my job. I'm not worried about my job, I just don't appreciate feeling like chop liver like she will replace me.

 

Then recently I noticed some weird instances between her and my boss. Like I mentioned she is my age, 25 now. She has a serious boyfriend of 4 years and they live together. She brags about him, whats new. But claims they will most likely get married. My boss, 40 years old, is married with two kids. Recently we were having a meeting. She was sitting across the table from him. I was sitting across from our other male co worker, whom is like my father. We were all talking. She and I both had our cell phones on the table in front of us. He suddenly doesn't say anything and he reaches way across the table, grabs her phone, unlocks it by swiping, and is looking at the screen. I had my eyes wide like saucers at his forwardness. I was shocked. He then put it back and claimed he was checking the time. It was awkward. Like he couldn't have just asked someone to check it for him on our own phones.

 

Another day, he came out and they were talking about something work related. As he was leaving, I literally saw him put his hand on her head and pat her like a dog. It was like someone who patted a dog for being good. It was so weird and inappropriate.

 

The kicker...she was wearing this green sweater. He went over the her desk, which is in full view from mine. He was leaning against it talking to her about work stuff. I tuned most of it out hearing it was work. Then suddenly my ears perk up because he leans in and suddenly says "Wow you sweater matches your eyes."

 

I was so creeped out. He's looking into her eyes? It was so odd. She was eating it up too. Like she put her hand under her chin and posed for a minute and batted her eyes and thanked him for the compliment. It was so gross. It made me uncomfortable being around them.

 

I try and be a nice person. I just like being myself. I'm down to earth. I feel like since she's been here I haven't been able to be myself. My parents tell me to watch my back around her. I hate feeling like a prisoner at my work. So closed off. The other day she was telling MY intern what to do. I mentioned to my boss how I don't want my intern getting confused about his work, by others telling him different things. He agreed, and reassured me that I am the boss of my intern and thats that. But every email conversation he and I have about my intern and work he's doing, he attaches the secretary to.

 

Then she also annoys me because she copies me. I have been talking about taking classes to get a masters degree for years. After two years I felt ready and I felt I had been there long enough to feel good about taking classes on the side. This girl talked to my boss and now she is taking marketing courses too, at the same school. She's a secretary, why does she need those? I do marketing.

 

Then I have been going to the same vacation spot with my family for over 20 years. She has never ever mentioned it. I don't even think she's ever been there in her life. I went this summer again with my family. Everyone at work was asking about it and I was telling them all about how fun and great it was. Suddenly this past weekend I see that her and her boyfriend went to the same exact place. It was kind of suspicious.

 

I got certified to be a workout instructor earlier this year. I got hired in the company gym. It was a great after work activity to make some extra money. She then starts talking about how she wants to do the same thing and asks me all about it. But she hasn't once taken a class of mine. She pays to go to some fancy gym near her house. I know this because at lunch she was calling all these fancy gyms seeing which ones would offer her free trial classes until she decided on one. It was so forward to expect free classes. I remember being quite surprised. Now I think she finally settled on one, because she used up all her free sessions.

 

Everyone around me says I should be flattered, that clearly that things I do are great and she wants to do them too. I like my individuality and hate that I don't feel as special as myself.

 

I don't know what else to do or think. I have stopped speaking up, because she doesn't appreciate any of my insight anymore and she makes me feel really bad for only trying to help. I am so upset. I blame my boss for not making her respect me more. She doesn't. I blame him for the atmosphere he has created. I feel low on the totem pole when I used to feel confident.

 

Most recently at work things have sort of gotten crazy again. We have our annual reviews with our boss. How it works is that you submit your review with all the work you have done this year in multiple categories to your immediate boss. He then rates you from 1-5, 1 being the worst, and 5 being the best in the multiple categories. I have been here for three years and never ever gotten a 5. My older female co worker (my friend) who has been with him for twice as long, has not either. He always used to say he only gives 3 and 4’s so we strive to do better.

 

This year I go in to meet with him to talk about my review. He gives me mostly all 4’s and a couple of 5’s. I was shocked. I didn’t believe it. He also gave my co-worker a similar rating. We were shocked to be sure. It took us both many years to get this good of a score. Then he must submit these records to his boss. And he can choose to nominate certain people for a $1000 bonus. I have never been nominated in my three years and neither has my co-worker. She is 62 and about to retire. She has been at this organization for over 10 years and with him as her boss for 6.

 

We have a staff meeting and he announces to everyone that he nominated everyone for the bonus. I am happy. I worked hard this year and I took on way more jobs than I needed to. I do the job of two or three people anywhere else. This is the first year where I felt like I truly deserved it. But my co-worker and I are shocked he nominated her. She has only been here for one year and he is already nominating her for a bonus. My poor coworker hasn’t gotten one in 6 years and she has loads of experience in her field and recommendations from clients. She and I both submitted client appreciation and positive review letters with our annual reviews. New girl is only the secretary. But he loves her, so again, I am not surprised.

 

My boss’ boss, gives my coworker and I the bonus. Unsure if new girl got the bonus, but I guarantee she did. We have a database online, where we house all of our work for the whole office. Everyone can access it. I don’t keep a lot on there, but other co-workers keep a ton on there. The other day I am going through folders looking for something specific that my boss wanted me to edit for him. I stumble across documents in one of his folders that have all of our names. He has everyone’s annual review up for everyone to see. I clicked on my own, and I clicked on new girls to compare. He gave me 4’s mostly, and a couple 5’s. He also wrote things in some sections saying how I could improve on this and that. Minor things, but still corrections. I look at her review and he gave her almost all 5’s on every section. And gave her rave reviews and not one correction. I was shocked. One year. She had no experience and had to learn so much and he gives her that?

 

Again, my poor co-worker waited 6 years for that and she didn’t get that.

 

Then, we had another co-worker who just left. He was older, made probably double what any of us make. He had lots of experience. We need someone who does. He was a sales person/recruiter. He was great. The person in the office who does something the most similar to him is me. So I have been handling his clients until we get someone new. Years ago, my boss told me he would never promote us within the office, because he felt it was a waste of resources. He would have to train two people instead of just one. It made sense. Yesterday he comes out of his office. Is leaning on new girls desk talking about office stuff. And then he blatantly offered her the job. She’s a secretary and he offering her a huge money sales jobs? I was shocked. He hasn’t offered it to anyone else. He was trying to convince her. It was shocking. She turned it down telling him she doesn’t like sales and isn’t good at sales.

 

I was appalled to say the least by this. We clearly know who is a favorite. My dad and his buddies think that he’s doing favors for her and eventually favors always need to get re-paid, if you know what I mean. They are grown men and they know how grown men are.

 

I just feel so defeated. Like no matter how hard I work to prove something to him, he will like her no matter what she does. He makes excuses for her mistakes all the time. I get nasty emails and call outs form him when I do. I'm so stressed in this situation and I feel like its now seeping into my home life in the form of stress.

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Its hard. I really enjoy my job. I like what I do everyday, and I don't feel ready quite yet for something else. Plus, right now my company is paying for me to go to school. I have about three years of my masters left.

 

I am better than I was. Half of these things happened last year. I was so stressed, I was going home crying and my hair was falling out. The blatant favoritism was obnoxious. And I felt like she and I were being pinned against one another as some sort of competition. Its better now, but I don't know if its because it is actually better, or I know how to handle it better.

 

I am very type A sometimes, and so for my fairness is something I always value. And what once was a fair environment is now long gone since he hired her. Like even the other day. I do all of our marketing. I see a flier sitting out that I had no part in making. I bring it into his office and ask him about it. I also tell him I do not stand by it, as it isn't up to the standards of what we normally produce and send out to a mass audience. He just brushes it off. Doesn't help me at all. Tells me she made it by accident. Yeah, by accident. He had asked her to edit someones name, and she re-designed it, but it was the wrong document anyway. Why the heck didn't he ask me to do this? I do all the marketing in our office?

 

I again ask him what should we do, and he simply says I have to go talk to her about the design. That to me is not my job. I am not her boss, and he should be taking control and being a leader. He wrote on my review that he wants me to take more possession and control over our marketing and create a cohesive look. I have been trying to do that, but its impossible when he favors her and lets her do my job at times, and then doesn't care when I show disdain.

 

My parents wonder if he hopes I will beg him for the open position in our office, which requires lots of travel, and then I will be away all the time, and he can give her my job. I wouldn't be surprised. But at the same time, I do not want to travel since I am in school. It would be too much. So I have no intention of doing that.

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Not to be rude but welcome to the real world. It sucks sometimes. Most people have crappy bosses. Most people have drama they have to deal with at work.

 

Your boss sounds terrible. But many many bosses won't think twice about stealing credit.

 

You can't control anything there. It isn't your responsibility to keep the office viable. You are going to torture yourself trying to keep the place together. That is your boss's job.

 

Sounds like it is time for a new job.

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You are driving yourself crazy keeping this running list of slights and unfair treatment. Unless it's motivating you to apply for better work you should stop. Because all it's doing is adding to your stress, making you combative and wrecking any good feelings you could have about your work.

 

You don't like this other woman. In fact it sounds like you hate her. Stop focusing so hard on someone you hate. Stop competing with her. If you aren't willing to look for different work and you aren't willing to lay it on the line with your boss... then you need to figure out how to make the situation you are keeping yourself in emotionally manageable. Part of that is not letting yourself get so wound up and defined by your office dynamics. Your boss is unfair, this woman rubs you the wrong way... those are things you can't really change. What you can change is your emotional investment. You need to detach. You need to build some emotional walls. You need to let go of the flaming sword of FAIRNESS. Because life isn't fair. Work isn't fair. Office dynamics aren't fair. And your stress yourself into an early grave if you focus on how unfair everything is.

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I can relate to some of your frustrations. There are just some things you can't control and can't change. So if you choose to stay with your job you just need to change the way the you view things.

 

I often practice what I call the `cone of silence', lol (if you are a baby boomer you might know this comes from an old sitcom) When I start to feel frustrated or influenced by others bad behavior I just picture the cone of silence and mind my own business and take care of myself and my work.

 

I have another analogy. One particular office I need to visit on occasion has a very toxic staff I have to deal with. I am not alone in my opinion so I know it's not me! When I am getting ready to go there I picture my mental 'flak jacket' It's all I can to do to handle this staff and seeing I am the complaint dept I have my work cut out for me. I can be pretty sensitive by nature but my job requires me to let things bounce of me and not personalize it.

 

My boss is much like yours. He's insecure, easily threatened and a knuckle head. I have let him get under my skin more times than I care to count. I spend my entire day avoiding him and working around him as much as possible. He alone can make my job more difficult and more miserable than it needs to be.

 

But. . I want to keep my job. So complaining about it does me absolutely no good. I challenge myself all the time asking myself `If I can't change others or the dynamics, what can I do for myself to keep myself balanced and on course?'

 

You do seem over focused on what others are doing around you. You can start by ignoring things that don't immediately affect or concern you. Like the bosses flirty comments to the new hire. Let it go. You will just make yourself miserable.

 

Lastly. . I listen to my friends and on occasion someone has a great work environment and loves their job. But for the most part we spend an exurbanite amount of time with people that not of our choosing. Learning to take care of yourself and be resilient in the faces of these challenges is a strength you can work on.

You might very well trade in this problem for another just like it.

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Yes, I will say, I feel like I am just letting it build up and build up and it does stress me. I hate it. I am always like this. I'm type A. I value fairness and everyone being on a level playing field and it kills me that no matter how hard I work, how many ideas I have, I will not be getting perfect reviews and being treated like her. This week it was yet again something else. He is favoring her like crazy. She workee hard throwing this large event the other day for him. None of us are invited to it. Its a yearly thing, and a part of the responsibilities of her job. The old secretary threw it all the time and he would thank her highly, but thats it.

 

So the other day they are away at the event. They come back, and she is being bombarded with stuff she missed when she was gone. She stops us and tells us she is leaving for the day. She goes on like she is telling us why, but then she catches herself and stops talking and leaves.

 

My boss too, leaves for the day ironically. Its the middle of the day. I go to take a walk to get lunch outside and he pulls up in his car as he is leaving. I'm nosy so I say "oh so where are you headed this afternoon?"

 

I say it nicely and cheerfully. He then says "I'm out of here. I'm taking ....(the favorite) out for celebatory drinks.

 

I just smiled and walked away. I was floored. None of us get that treatment. And he is a 45 year old man taking a 25 year old girl out for drinks on work time in the middle of the day. Sounds so inappropriate to me. I wonder what his wife would think of that.

 

I've witnessed him literally just letting her do whatever she wants and its sickening. I go into his office today to propose something new. He's stressed, bitter, and not open to it because he's overwhelmed with work and busy for the next month. And getting drinks during work time with the secretary helped all that? I'm surrreee

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Well, it is pretty clear that your boss is having an affair, or near having an affair with the secretary. This is a recipe for disaster and it is just a matter of time before this all blows up. I would not doubt that the wife knows something is up. In addition, the productivity of the business is bound to suffer, and someone will investigate just why that is eventually. It sounds like you do not have an HOA department. It would expedite matters if you did in fact have one. I think it is a waiting game at this point, but I think it will settle out....it is just going to take more time than anyone would want to wait for, BUT.....It will be so sweet to be around for when that moment comes, and it will come. This is such a dysfunction work environment it is bound to come to the attention of the higher ups. And also, there is the wife. chi

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If I liked my job and was determined to stay there, then my next set of choices would be the degree to which anybody else's business 'must' impact me. It makes no sense to adopt a lens that says, "I've always been the type to internalize problems of others and adopt affects that torture me and harm my health..." as though this is not the primary aspect of the situation over which I actually own control.

 

I'd make a better choice about that. I'd put my focus on my own work and make my own private challenge one of developing the skills of resilience and immutability to outlast those who will eventually hang themselves.

 

Given my choice to continue my exposure to this work environment, I'd decide to make this choice a 'win' for ME, regardless of who else takes themselves down over any given situation.

 

I'd also keep a work diary that is strictly devoted to my ideas, projects, work successes, calendars of skill development, etc... All good stuff, with zero 'dirt' about the people around me. I'd consider this a document that I keep squeaky clean and ready to present on a moment's notice to support my review periods, future opportunities and potential for promotion. In addition to a resume building tool, I'd consider this therapeutic reinforcement of all the GOOD VALUE I'm able to find in this job rather than belaboring any of the petty stuff that I could otherwise allow to roll right off me.

 

In other words, I'd choose my own lens to align with the vision I WANT to adopt for this job rather than drill myself into a needless emotional hole to climb out of. Either I can make this job work for me, or I can leave it. That is my choice, and I can conduct my SELF the way I wish.

 

Head high.

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If I liked my job and was determined to stay there, then my next set of choices would be the degree to which anybody else's business 'must' impact me. It makes no sense to adopt a lens that says, "I've always been the type to internalize problems of others and adopt affects that torture me and harm my health..." as though this is not the primary aspect of the situation over which I actually own control.

 

I'd make a better choice about that. I'd put my focus on my own work and make my own private challenge one of developing the skills of resilience and immutability to outlast those who will eventually hang themselves.

 

Given my choice to continue my exposure to this work environment, I'd decide to make this choice a 'win' for ME, regardless of who else takes themselves down over any given situation.

 

I'd also keep a work diary that is strictly devoted to my ideas, projects, work successes, calendars of skill development, etc... All good stuff, with zero 'dirt' about the people around me. I'd consider this a document that I keep squeaky clean and ready to present on a moment's notice to support my review periods, future opportunities and potential for promotion. In addition to a resume building tool, I'd consider this therapeutic reinforcement of all the GOOD VALUE I'm able to find in this job rather than belaboring any of the petty stuff that I could otherwise allow to roll right off me.

 

In other words, I'd choose my own lens to align with the vision I WANT to adopt for this job rather than drill myself into a needless emotional hole to climb out of. Either I can make this job work for me, or I can leave it. That is my choice, and I can conduct my SELF the way I wish.

 

Head high.

 

Well said. When I read this I thought of my mother's wise words to me over 20 years ago (I am your parents' age - 51) "your thank you is your paycheck" -that's your expectation from a job. I cringed a little when I read how in the beginning everyone was so "supportive" of you. That's nice but that's not the job of people you work with - they should be supportive to the extent that you can then do your job that you were hired for and contribute to the bottom line -not their job to make you "happy" or "feel supported" to play "fair" by your standards of fairness. If they do make you happy and mentor you and act fair according to how you define fair -those are perks, not requirements.

 

You are way too emotionally invested, I agree. And at your age I was all about career potential and professional opportunities (and I still am) - it is not "just" a job in the least - who you meet and your references can follow you for decades to come - but it is not your family, it is not your social life, there are not supposed to be life coaches or therapists there to "support" you.

 

I do think it's becoming dysfunctional and you should leave but I think you have to change your expectations and mindset for your next job because even if that environment is not dysfunctional your mindset might make it so for you personally.

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It's hard to take you seriously when you're moaning about your secretary, who you admit formerly had done marketing, and who apparently works closely with a marketing team, having the audacity to take marketing classes.

 

It honestly sounds like you're a bit obsessive over your territorial claim. You've really gotta readjust your attitude because, otherwise, this whole fear of getting snubbed out is going to become a self-fulfilled prophecy.

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  • 2 months later...

So things at this job. More stress for me.

 

We just hired someone new to replace a retired employee. He is really nice and things have been going well. My boss was cleared to open another position right underneath this new man. The new man seems to really like me and encouraged me to apply for the position. I wasn't sure how I felt about it, but after some thinking, realized I didn't want it and really enjoyed marketing, which I was doing for our whole office.

 

Today I have a meeting with my boss. We have one weekly. He tells me how he wasn't going to mention it, and he brings up the open job under new guy. I mention to him that I considered applying. He then goes into telling me how he wants someone with a little more experience than me. I tell him how much I love my job. He then goes into this thing, telling me how he is going to be transitioning my job. I was shocked. He tells me that He wants to hire the new person to work under new guy, and he wants me to work under both of them. New guy will now be my boss.

 

Again, I was shocked. I told him I want to do marketing, and that is what I am going to school for. He says that this has absolutely nothing to do with my work or what I have done, he just wants me to do something else. I will still be doing a small amount of what I used to do, but now working for the new guy and doing some new stuff. I didn't know how to feel about this. I love my job now.

 

I asked what would happen to some of my current work. He said that he will give most of it to the secretary girl. I was floored. I knew she was jealous of my job, and now she has my job. I was shocked. She's taking over. He's taking new guy off her radar, so she technically has less work, since I will be coordinating him. I then ask my boss that if I am going to get this new position, can I get a raise. He then tells me how he is going to put me and the secretary in for raises. What? Why her? I have been working like a dog for three years, doing all sorts of odd jobs, and filling in when needed, and being productive, and initiating new ideas. She has been here for one year and she is going to get a raise? I am so confused and infuriated. I don't understand it at all. He then brings up my lack of good communication skills, its still an issue and something that "colleagues" have pointed out. I know what colleague that is. Her. I am friends with all my other colleagues and we have open communication. I know its her. The old secretary and I knew what each other was doing all of the time. We never had issues. This girl never tells me what is going on, when, where, why. She keeps it all to herself, and then acts like my boss and tried to tell me that I need to tell her everything all the time. She doesn't nicely ask me what I am up to, or if I need help, or anything a good office support secretary should do, and how we have always been. Thats not a healthy or positive environment, for someone my age, under me in rank, to be telling me what I need to be doing. I have been here for 3 years and was an intern before that.

 

I know she runs in and tells him I don't communicate with her. I can't trust her at all. I was so mad and upset. I have never ever had communication problems with anyone else. I feel like my boss is throwing me to the side to make room for her to waltz in and take my job. Its not ethical. He is definitely having something with her, an affair, I don't know, but now since he told me she is up for a raise too, I am sure.

 

I've been at home crying my eyes out, because I feel like I am being demoted. I am crying my eyes out for all the time she told me what to do and degrades and disrespects me, and I said nothing in fear that he will protect her. I feel weak and helpless, and now thrown around like a puppet, because he is pawning me off on someone else in the office to be their worker. He literally told me that new guy is now my boss, and that he and I will still cross paths, but he will be my boss. I feel so confused. He is saying I will have a transitional period. But then acting like this is my new job. I haven't accepted a new job or title. I still have appointments lined up and clients to see. One sector of my job, he wants me to train other co-workers on, so they can do it instead of me. I don't think thats appropriate. You are forcing me into another position. And he mentions how here and there he still might have me doing some things from my old position. Thats just plain taking advantage of me. I am not a dog.

 

I am sitting here crying because I am an honest person, who tries to make everyone happy and isn't a fighter, kiss asser, who bats their eyelashes to get ahead, and I don't have it in me to fight, so people do whatever they want with me. I don't know what to do. My new boss is very nice, but I've only known him a week and I am not sure what to think yet. I'm overall just confused and scared. I'm worried about my job. My employment. I am worried about my old job, that I still care about, not being done to standards. Again, I am confused, he and also talked in our meeting about stuff I will be doing the next few weeks, that all pertain to my old job.

 

And all the stuff I have accumulated over the last three years. Good vital marketing content. I am supposed to hand it all over to her. I don't feel right about that. Thats all my hard work. I built up our whole office from nothing. Why should I have to hand it over to her to use?

 

I have huge social media presence. I have people whom know me on Facebook. So I just let it go?

 

I'm truly heartbroken right now. The only reason I have to stay at this point, is because they pay for my furthered education, which I want to finish.

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So I'm sorry you're upset and disappointed. I think the main issue is this " He then brings up my lack of good communication skills" If you are right and it is her -if - then you're learning the hard way that "rank" is not so important and not as important as good communication skills. Your post focused a lot on rank and pecking order - and that likely comes across to her loud and clear and she does not like it (understatement). Also - a dose of humility - it's good to be confident about your skills but my sense is that it's not your boss's perception that you built up your whole office from nothing. You're young and going to school for marketing -i.e. you're not seasoned yet - and sure you worked very hard and are a good networker, have clients, etc but if the perception is that there is an issue with communication skills then the last thing they want is you interacting more with clients, if at all.

 

He's not forcing you to do anything - you are paid for your work and he, your boss, has decided to change your job. He can do that -perfectly appropriate. And you can stay or go -also, perfectly appropriate. But consider whether what he said about communication skills is something you can work on (we all can of course) and consider whether you can use your "honesty" combined a bit more with tact and improvement in social skills/jnteractions -don't spin your wheels worrying -worrying is a waste of time - get to work being "honest" with yourself since honesty is something you say you're good at and see if you can get to work making changes -in baby steps -if after an honest, humble assessment you think that would be worth it. You might be completely right -you are the victim, you built this office from nothing, this secretary is evil and is not a "good secretary" - but what about if this happens at your next job and next? You're in your 20s right? Plenty of time to develop new skills or do that honest assessment. I still do it in my 50s and always will (the humility plus self-honesty plus always working on professional skiills especially communication)

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I feel like I am being thrown under the bus for sure. I know this because, before the evil girl came to work with us, I had no issue with communication skills and it was never brought up, for two years. Literally as soon as he hired her, he attacked me saying my communication skills are poor. It was in a random nasty email, and totally out of the blue. I remember not even knowing where it was coming from. It blindsided me.

 

And for him to bring it up again yesterday shocked me even more as I have made huge efforts to do what he expects in this space. I have created open folders filled with content and I update it regularly so everyone knows what is being sent out, that anyone on the office can use, so they know what is going on, on my end. I also give weekly updates and progress reports at every staff meeting on what is going on. Per his suggestion to increase communication.

 

I know its just her big mouth running to him and complaining. If she wants to know something, she sgould do her job as office Secretary and ask.

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Especially after I trained her, and kept up the open communication. I didn't train her by staying shut in at my desk. It takes communication. She shut it down by rolling her eyes when I would tell her things and brushing me off. Now that im thinking more and more things he said directly connect to recent experiences I have had with her. She's in there bad mouthing me. I'm so angry, I almost don't want to go in today. I'm not that person. I am not going to throw people under the bus. Be the office snitch. Its not happening.

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You have a huge opportunity here that you're going to miss out on if you let your ego and your emotions take over. All you know is you were never told there was an issue with communication skills -and maybe there wasn't back then in that environment in what you were doing - but your boss is being direct with you about his and others' perceptions of your communication skills. Ignoring it is one alternative and another is what I suggested in my previous post. Many employees don't get this opportunity -no one bothers to give them constructive feedback -they're just left in the dark and wonder why they're not getting promoted, more $, better client opportunities, etc. And the secretary is not a girl -she's a woman in a professional office. And you might want to consider whether your version of training is effective and whether that is an area you can improve on as well. Again, huge opportunity to learn hands on - just like you're learning in school -and even more so in some ways.

 

And even if she is doing it to bad mouth you see the learning experience. How about assume instead that perhaps she feels condescended to by you - you've focused so much on rank and hierarchy and how awesome you are to build up the office -about being "demoted" -maybe that's coming across to her -your focus - and feels condescending.

 

Or you can take your approach and I can bet that you'll face the same scenario in your next position - and you can keep on with the "it's not me, it's them". Might be partly true but I wouldn't take that professional path if you truly want to learn and grow -and keep jobs.

 

And just as a reminder -it's not about "communication" -it's about communication skills -huge difference.

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I am excited for this position. I am excited to expand into something different. I think me having a new boss will help me.

 

I guess I am not thrilled at the fact that he's handing my job to her and trying to get her a raise, when she hasn't done anything different to warrant one. I truly feel like this has been in motion for a long while and he's been trying to get me out of the way so she can shine. I outshine her in skill and education. I stepped up to take on more and have produced high quality work, which I don't think him nor her expected from me. She has made degrading comments to me about my education, but here I am getting a masters degree. All she talks about is her past experience in marketing. And she always has to talk about this and that about her skills. The marketing she has done has been amateur and he reminds me all the time how she is a marketing person. Then why is she doing a secretary job?

 

The old secretary left because she wasnt given a raise. And she did ten times more work than this girl now. Its very obvious favoritism going on. I like learning. I like a challenge. I'm creative and innovative. He mentioned to me things I could do differently in terms of communication a year ago. I did all of them. So why is there still an issue?

The issue is her. Every individual person in the office that I have done work for likes my work and knows what is going on. I was hired by another office to do work for them temporarily. The new guy and I have had open communication from the start and haven't had one issue.

 

I feel respected by him and he gets my respect in return. I feel no respect from her. She doesn't know how to be genuine or friendly. She comes across rude and entitled. Two other workers whom work with us part time told me they get the impression that she doesn't like them. But my boss gives her rave reviews for being so friendly and helpful. She's a fraud who preaches her skills and herself way more than what she is.

 

I think my boss hired the secretary, and he won't open his eyes that she is the communicating problem. She doesn't tell us anything. She is inexperienced and just makes it up as she goes or feys someone to do it. An office secretary is supoosed to coordinate a whole office, not just certain people or things.

 

My issue is that I feel degraded, disrespected, and taken advantage of and I'm a nice sweet person who doesn't say anything. And its upsetting to feel walked over. I feel like my boss was trying to sell me yesterday on it. Why sell my new job if its so great?

 

I'm scared and worried. And I think thats why im so upset. If something goes wrong, who is the first thats going to go? Most likely me, because I'm being transferred.

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I'm sorry you're upset and scared and worried.

 

Take or leave what I wrote about taking the opportunity to learn from all of it -not going to repeat it here.

 

Nice and sweet who doesn't say anything - how you described yourself- is not typically a positive in a professional workplace where part of the work involves verbal or written communication - what is positive is someone who is confident, takes initiative, is a team player, knows how to build rapport among a diverse group of people -diverse in background, education, "rank".

 

I took a huge step down in rank and pay after 15 years in my field because my priority was to be available for our son. So my supervisor who is really high up in the "ranks" is actually only somewhat more experienced than me in certain ways. I respect her immensely, she is strong and can be tough, and blunt, etc and I love working with her -I learn so much. She can be intimidating because she's so bright and like a machine in how hard she works. So, when I send her an email I avoid the temptation to hedge, to ask her what to do, etc. No matter what it is I will write something like, "The situation is X. I plan to do A but we also can do [b or C]. I think A is the better option because []. Please let me know if you [agree or disagree]."

 

So, I defer to her buck stops here/final word but I am proactive and show her that I am confident in my decision making and have come up with at least one good solution for our next steps. And I've only been working with her a bit over a year.

 

I wouldn't worry about losing your job. Lose as much as possible the attitude that you are a victim -that this woman (she is not a girl!) is "evil" or has it out for you, that you single handedly have built up the office and that you should be lauded for training her and how dare she complain about how you work with her. If you can do that that will help immensely in keeping your job safe and expanding/progressing.

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It seems to me that many who are replying are not getting what is happening here. The boss is showing extreme favoritism to this new secretary and his offering up the OP's job to her to give this same secretary an advantage for opportunity to advance her knowledge. He has also taken in her input as to the OP's communication skills. If that makes the OP a victim....then that is what she is. However, making the best of the situation is all she can really do based on what she has said, and working under the new guy might prove to be pleasant. I am just waiting for the boss and the secretary to be outed and the whole thing to crash and burn. chi

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Yes I acknowledged that she might be right that that is what is going on. I don't see it that way from the way she described her role and the way she views what it is to have good communication, etc. (and there is a lot of etc. in my posts with examples). I believe the boss told her that it was several who were unhappy with her communication skills. My other sense is that boss and secretary might be involved romantically.

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I just hope that the OP can find her happy place at work. It is so miserable to not be happy at work where we spend so much of our time.

 

Yes, I worked in a few toxic work environments. Highly toxic. I left both. And I also was in situations where my attitude/skills were part or most of the issue and I had to be willing to learn better ways of dealing. And I did. Not easy at all but worth it.

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