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Caught my partner of 20 years speaking to other men


millerc273

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I have been with my partner for 20 yrs this year,we have a16 he old son together .I love him so much,recently I was online and I found an email from a male to his

email address with very explicit photos attached.And a very interesting conversation about what they would like to do to each other.I have now found a bag of woman's sexy underwear in our attic.I am totally devasted ,I can't believe he is acting like this ,and the lies he is telling me to cover this up.I have also saw his scype account as he forgot to close it down. And it has photos of himself ,,dressed up in the underwear I found . And conversations all men and a few videos . We use this laptop,including my son .I am really really hurt about all of this .What should I do .Please help.Should I take my son and leave .???

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Well you can't just take your son and leave, your husband has just as much parental right as you. I would say take a couple of deep breaths, and consider your options. Was sex still an important part of your relationship? Before you found out what were to one another, what did the relationship mean? These are important things to think about. From what I can gather from your post you or your sin are not in any physical danger. You don't only have yourself to think about, but also your son. You could perhaps consider an longer term exit strategy until your son perhaps goes to college, or maybe other options. It is not in anyone's interest to become hysterical, and panic and do drastic things. You yourself are more or less middle aged now, and you need to be smart about your future as well. It may or may not include your husband, you need to figure out what you mean to each other, you have a little time to do that. It doesn't look like he is going anywhere right away. Is it fair to your son to uproot his life?

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Well you can't just take your son and leave, your husband has just as much parental right as you. I would say take a couple of deep breaths, and consider your options. Was sex still an important part of your relationship? Before you found out what were to one another, what did the relationship mean? These are important things to think about. From what I can gather from your post you or your sin are not in any physical danger. You don't only have yourself to think about, but also your son. You could perhaps consider an longer term exit strategy until your son perhaps goes to college, or maybe other options. It is not in anyone's interest to become hysterical, and panic and do drastic things. You yourself are more or less middle aged now, and you need to be smart about your future as well. It may or may not include your husband, you need to figure out what you mean to each other, you have a little time to do that. It doesn't look like he is going anywhere right away. Is it fair to your son to uproot his life?

 

Good grief!!! I couldn't disagree with this advice more! The cross dressing is one thing, but the cheating with another man is unacceptable. How do you think it is healthy for her the child to stay in this emotionally toxic environment.? It is also highly unfair to the OP, too!

 

And. What does their sex life have to do with anything, if he is going for dudes.

 

OP, seek a divorce!

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^ I know right. What the hell is wrong with some peoples rationale?

 

Jeez consult your lawyer and get out.

 

 

I can see how it is all very easy for you to say all that, it is not your relationship, it is not your life you are throwing away, it is not you who has to "get out", it is not your son whose life you seem to want to uproot. We actually don't know anything about the relationship and what they mean to one another, we have no idea, you weren't there for those 20 years. All I was saying is take a couple of deep breaths and consider your options, a nasty divorce is in nobody interest but the lawyers.

 

I just find your reaction irresponsible that goes for both Honeycomb8 and Hollyj. Don't take out your own emotional baggage out on the OP. I'm just telling the OP to be smart about her future.

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I can see how it is all very easy for you to say all that, it is not your relationship, it is not your life you are throwing away, it is not you who has to "get out", it is not your son whose life you seem to want to uproot. We actually don't know anything about the relationship and what they mean to one another, we have no idea, you weren't there for those 20 years. All I was saying is take a couple of deep breaths and consider your options, a nasty divorce is in nobody interest but the lawyers.

 

I just find your reaction irresponsible that goes for both Honeycomb8 and Hollyj. Don't take out your own emotional baggage out on the OP. I'm just telling the OP to be smart about her future.

 

No you're telling her to forget what's going on and stay for the sake of the kid. I'm sorry but kids can sense discord and unease. They don't grow up healthy and happy that way. 20 years is a long time, but this guy is making a fool of himself and their marriage. She needs to get far away from this. Check for stds and HIV!!

 

Oh and my parents were married for 31 years, and that in itself is a long time. But I'd rather them be happy apart, than miserable together. I think lies and cheating shouldn't be things that should be tolerated.

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Ok... I will jump in and be the middle ground

 

I do understand and appreciate what lukeb is saying in that it's not an emergency where you need to leave tonight (unlike if he hit you or something).

 

I do agree with Seraphim that your sexual health could be in danger, though. I agree you should get tested and you may want to refrain from sex.

 

Personally, I think the first thing you should do (when your son is not around) is to show your husband what you have found. He has a right to know what you know and personally, I would ask that he cut it out and remove all evidence from the family computer. That's not the kind of thing you want your son to stumble upon while the two of you figure everything out. That's an adult relationship matter, not a family or parent-child relationship matter.

 

Then, you may want to take a moment process the info for a few days. I'm sure you are shocked.

 

Ultimately, I agree though, this would be a very tough (impossible?) thing to get past for me.

 

... but I do agree that you don't need an emergency shelter for the night.

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Well you can't just take your son and leave, your husband has just as much parental right as you. I would say take a couple of deep breaths, and consider your options. Was sex still an important part of your relationship? Before you found out what were to one another, what did the relationship mean? These are important things to think about. From what I can gather from your post you or your sin are not in any physical danger. You don't only have yourself to think about, but also your son. You could perhaps consider an longer term exit strategy until your son perhaps goes to college, or maybe other options. It is not in anyone's interest to become hysterical, and panic and do drastic things. You yourself are more or less middle aged now, and you need to be smart about your future as well. It may or may not include your husband, you need to figure out what you mean to each other, you have a little time to do that. It doesn't look like he is going anywhere right away. Is it fair to your son to uproot his life?

 

You may not have said it, but it was inferred.

Two years till her son goes off to college. That's a long time to stay in this situation.

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You may not have said it, but it was inferred.

Two years till her son goes off to college. That's a long time to stay in this situation.

 

All I said was that this could be an option, I am in no position as you are in no position to tell her what she should do. All we can say is whatever she decides to do is to carefully weigh all her options, that whatever she decides is going to have a major impact on the rest of her life.

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All I said was that this could be an option, I am in no position as you are in no position to tell her what she should do. All we can say is whatever she decides to do is to carefully weigh all her options, that whatever she decides is going to have a major impact on the rest of her life.

 

We are NOT telling her. We are giving our opinion. This is a public forum, remember!

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There are so many variables to this situation , there are men who dress as women but stay happily married and heterosexual , there are men and women who marry the opposite sex , have children then after 30 years up and leave for a same sex relationship , many feeling they had to follow what they have been brought up to see as * normal*

 

You can however eliminate some of the variables because his actions tell you he has got a sexual desire towards men , who knows , but I suspect this could be something he suppressed for your life together and can no longer bury it .

 

I see everyone's point of view here , as well as lukes , to not up and leave right this second , just simply for your son right now ....however you most certainly do not have to be obliged to live like this until your son has left home , everyone has a very valid point IMO .

 

The fact remains he has being emotionally unfaithful to you and this is wrong no matter what the sex of the person .

 

What you have to do is you both have to be brutally honest with each other , is he gay , does he want to leave , can you forgive , can you trust again , do you even want him ... I would not , simply because your son is old enough to know that something is going on and it gets harder to white lie to them the older they get , grab him , pack your bags and run .... if it comes to that then so be it , but you can make the transition easier for you all .

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What should I do .Please help.Should I take my son and leave .???

 

None of us are qualified to prescribe a 'should' for anyone else, and your son is old enough to object to being 'taken' anywhere.

 

I'd change your 'should' question to: "What CAN I do?" followed by, "What do I WANT to do?"

 

A local matrimonial attorney can spell out your options and thesteps you'd need to take for each option, along with the limits of what you 'cannot' do legally.

 

From there you're armed with the information you need to make choices about what you 'want' to do. This is the smartest path to avoid operating on emotions alone.

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Well, I think the first thing you should do is think, is there ANY POSSIBLE way this could be salvaged? If he stopped indulging himself in this behavior, could you get over it? If you could come up with an alternative way to indulge his kink, would you be ammenable? I understand you being freaked out, I certainly would be too, but just because he is into this doesn't mean he's going to turn you into a lamp shade if you confront him with it. If you cannot imagine any possible way to get over this, even with counselling, then get photographic evidence of this and see a divorce attorney asap. In fact, you probably should do that anyway just so you know your options.

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Well, I think the first thing you should do is think, is there ANY POSSIBLE way this could be salvaged? If he stopped indulging himself in this behavior, could you get over it? If you could come up with an alternative way to indulge his kink, would you be ammenable? I understand you being freaked out, I certainly would be too, but just because he is into this doesn't mean he's going to turn you into a lamp shade if you confront him with it. If you cannot imagine any possible way to get over this, even with counselling, then get photographic evidence of this and see a divorce attorney asap. In fact, you probably should do that anyway just so you know your options.

 

Goodness -- he is a cheater. its one thing to want to wear women's underwear and stay married -- but CONTACTING other people and possibly bringing them into the world of your child -- not excusable to be just swept under the rug. This is not something she should "live with" - no she shouldnt "get over it".

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