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Am I dating the right guy at the wrong time?


AlanaNoskcid

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Hi everyone.

 

So..recently I've felt anxious and questioned the strength of my relationship and I'm not entirely sure why. I don't have any reason to. I haven't talked to friends about it because I'm afraid of what they might think of me.

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2.5 years, the longest and most serious relationship I've been in. I'm 25, he's 27. We knew each other before dating, I never thought of him as more than a friend, he was always the one to chase me. We now own a house together and have built a comfortable life in our hometown. We were only together for like a year before we bought the house. Originally I was going to buy on my own and he was going to move in, but he thought that financially that wasn't a good decision for him, so we went in 50/50. I feel like it was possibly too much too soon.

 

I guess my other fear is that our relationship has run it's course, but I really don't know as I have no long term relationship from my past to compare this with. He would marry me tomorrow, and I'm just not there yet. Is it normal to feel like the spark has faded? Should we still be in the honeymoon stage? I do get excited to hang out with him but I don't get butterflies, and to be honest when I did they didn't last as long as they have with other guys. We were hot and heavy in the beginning, but if I'm being completely 100% honest right now we haven't had sex in months, not for lack of trying on his part. I tell myself it's because I'm too tired as I work full time, but he works more than I do and he's always ready for that to happen. It's not that I'm not attracted to him, he's a good looking guy and he makes me happy. I know he is so good for me, but at times I feel like I'm living with my best friend rather than the love of my life. I can't imagine not having him in my life, but I also don't have a clear picture of what our future holds.

 

Am I a terrible girlfriend? Has anyone else experienced anything like this?

 

I truly believe timing is everything in life, which terrifies me in this circumstance because I'm afraid that we have the right love at the wrong time. On the flip side, the grass is always greener on the other side and if things do come to an end, I don't want to regret giving up on this fantastic guy just because I had a few doubts.

 

Any input would be appreciated as I am running around in circles in my head and killing my self with over thinking.

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Yeeep, this has happened to me in almost every long term relationship I've been in, the spark fades. But also, you might know deep down that he isn't your forever person and that's different. I found I could keep myself attracted to my partner by staying mindful of everything about them that thrilled me. but there were a whole bunch of other factors that made me think heck yes to staying with them a long time. I can think back to past relationships where the spark has faded and I think it would have been a mistake to prolong them. You definitely need to look inside yourself and decide what you want though because at the moment your partner is in a one sided relationship and they're awful. No amount of you continuing to care about and love him as a friend takes the edge off the fact that he isn't your favourite person in the whole world anymore.

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Hi Alana,

 

I would suggest that you sit down with you BF and talk to him about what you’re feeling. I have very recently been on the receiving end of this.

 

You are not a terrible girlfriend for feeling the way you feel; sometimes these things happen in life. Your BF may already suspect something is not right if you have started to emotionally detach from the partnership, so (and I can’t stress this enough) you should talk with him.

 

It will be a difficult conversation, but delaying it will only cause more heart ache.

 

I agree that sometimes it is just the timing; maybe the grass will be greener, maybe it won’t, will there be regrets, possibly. But you shouldn’t just stay with someone out of the fear of uncertainty of the future. If you two are meant to be together it will work out, but communication is the key.

 

Ultimately how you decide the tackle this situation is up to you and it is only my suggestion that you talk with him, but to mirror what 1a1a said above you partner is in a one sided relationship and they’re awful.

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It's up to each person to keep the spark alive. Relationships are like plants. If you ignore them, they will die. Read some articles on how to revive a relationship. Romantically, write him a lipstick message on a mirror. Text him that you miss him while you're apart. Sexually, go to a couples store and pick out massage oil and some other stuff like toys and lingerie. Take dance lessons like tango or country two step or salsa. When he sees you putting in this effort, he should respond with his own efforts.

 

Maybe there is too much togetherness. Have you each kept up with your own friends, and spent time with them without your partner? Do you each have a hobby/interest that you do on your own? That gives you time to miss each other. If this isn't happening, it can be smothering to sole rely on your partner for all your social needs. You might want to try new stuff, like having a poker night with nachos and have a group of friends over.

 

Relationships normally have their highs, lows, and plateaus over time. It can never remain in the honeymoon stage, but you can regularly inject it with passion and be creative. I would try all of this and see what happens. If it doesn't work, break up with him, sell the house or buy him out. Don't settle for mediocre.

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In your post it didn't sound like you were ever feeling romantic feelings for him. It sounds like you were just really great friends and he wanted more and you just kinda went with it.

 

The honeymoon phase ended and your just left feeling very lacking in your romantic feelings. It happens. It just means that this wasn't the relationship for you. Or at least the lifetime one.

 

I think you just need to sit down and explain everything to your boyfriend.

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Hi Andrina

I appreciate your candid advice. I've felt like a failure because I've let my relationship plateau, but I suppose that you're right and it happens. I will take some of your advice and see how it goes.

 

We do spend a tooooon of time together, but I consciously try to see my friends more because I did fall into the routine of going to work, coming home, hanging with my bf and repeating. I am aware that too much time together isn't healthy, but sometimes it's hard to avoid since we live together. I am glad however you've said sell the house or buy him out, I think my brain is wired to think that now that we have a house, it's a life sentence. I feel trapped at times, but worst comes to worst we will break up and sell/buy each other out.

 

I always tell my friends to never settle (some of them have) and that's a legitimate fear of mine that I am settling for comfort and happiness. I just don't know if the passion is gone completely.

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In your post it didn't sound like you were ever feeling romantic feelings for him. It sounds like you were just really great friends and he wanted more and you just kinda went with it.

 

The honeymoon phase ended and your just left feeling very lacking in your romantic feelings. It happens. It just means that this wasn't the relationship for you. Or at least the lifetime one.

 

I think you just need to sit down and explain everything to your boyfriend.

 

Exactly!! I was not into it and then one day I was just like, wait.. this guy is awesome, he legit loves me, supports me, makes me laugh.. It can't get better than that! So I gave it a go and 2.5 years later this is where I'm at. You're right we need to discuss our relationship. I've tried before and it hasn't really led anywhere productive.

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Yeeep, this has happened to me in almost every long term relationship I've been in, the spark fades. But also, you might know deep down that he isn't your forever person and that's different. I found I could keep myself attracted to my partner by staying mindful of everything about them that thrilled me. but there were a whole bunch of other factors that made me think heck yes to staying with them a long time. I can think back to past relationships where the spark has faded and I think it would have been a mistake to prolong them. You definitely need to look inside yourself and decide what you want though because at the moment your partner is in a one sided relationship and they're awful. No amount of you continuing to care about and love him as a friend takes the edge off the fact that he isn't your favourite person in the whole world anymore.

 

He is one of my favourite people in the world, but I'm also afraid that the "I want you here and now" faze of our relationship being gone means that the passion is dead and there's no reviving it.

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If you're expecting to have "new relationship energy" forever, then you're going to be disappointed. You're also going to fit the label of label of a "serial monogamist."

 

I have high expectations too, so when I see giddy in love people online or even my friends interacting with their partners, I'm jealous and sad. Not a great sign right?

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Exactly!! I was not into it and then one day I was just like, wait.. this guy is awesome, he legit loves me, supports me, makes me laugh.. It can't get better than that! So I gave it a go and 2.5 years later this is where I'm at. You're right we need to discuss our relationship. I've tried before and it hasn't really led anywhere productive.

Well you know your true feelings for him. You don't love him the way you should if you want to have a true romantic relationship. It also isn't fair to him which it seems like you totally understand.

 

It really sucks. Your best friend never turned into your life partner. It happens a lot. I was worried at one point that my wife might think of me like you described your bf. Luckily for me it wasn't that.

 

I think you know the only fair thing to do. It also sucks because you lose your best friend, but it is extremely unfair to try to keep him as your best friend yet break up with him.

 

I am sorry for you both.

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Well you know your true feelings for him. You don't love him the way you should if you want to have a true romantic relationship. It also isn't fair to him which it seems like you totally understand.

 

It really sucks. Your best friend never turned into your life partner. It happens a lot. I was worried at one point that my wife might think of me like you described your bf. Luckily for me it wasn't that.

 

I think you know the only fair thing to do. It also sucks because you lose your best friend, but it is extremely unfair to try to keep him as your best friend yet break up with him.

 

I am sorry for you both.

 

I've always said I'd rather be the heartbroken one than the heartbreaker, but with this I'll end up being both. It really really sucks. I'm not one to give up, I always have open and honest conversations with him and I know the one I need to have now may end us for good. I'm hoping there's still a sliver of hope or a miracle to bring us back to the way we once were. I guess only time will tell.

 

I'm glad you said it happens a lot. Honestly a big chunk of my anxiety has been about me not knowing anyone I can relate to about this. At heart I'm a caring loving people pleaser that hates to be the cause of any type of pain... So it seems so silly being upset about this if I'm the one choosing to end it (hypothetically for the time being). He's the last person I ever want to hurt. My last relationship ended horribly (again me being the one who ended things) and I almost got back with the guy out of guilt. I think the reason I am more scared this time around is I know if I end things, he would shut himself off completely and there would be no getting back together if I thought I made a mistake.

 

Thanks for your advice, really helps.

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Hi Alana,

 

I would suggest that you sit down with you BF and talk to him about what you’re feeling. I have very recently been on the receiving end of this.

 

You are not a terrible girlfriend for feeling the way you feel; sometimes these things happen in life. Your BF may already suspect something is not right if you have started to emotionally detach from the partnership, so (and I can’t stress this enough) you should talk with him.

 

It will be a difficult conversation, but delaying it will only cause more heart ache.

 

I agree that sometimes it is just the timing; maybe the grass will be greener, maybe it won’t, will there be regrets, possibly. But you shouldn’t just stay with someone out of the fear of uncertainty of the future. If you two are meant to be together it will work out, but communication is the key.

 

Ultimately how you decide the tackle this situation is up to you and it is only my suggestion that you talk with him, but to mirror what 1a1a said above you partner is in a one sided relationship and they’re awful.

 

Hi gettinup,

I really appreciate your outlook. Somehow it's made me feel a bit more positive and that's something I haven't felt in a while. Life will go on, but the hard conversation does need to happen and I acknowledge that.

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Herein lies your problem:

 

This house happened for practical reasons -- you were buying a house yourself, but because he was going to move in, you thought - oh it will be easier if we buy it together. Not "we are engaged and are going to househunt before the wedding". You did not buy property because you were totally sold on this guy and want to have babies with him. If you had not bought a house together, the relationship may have ended naturally before this point or not but you would have made that decision not out of sheer necessity. But now its too hard to break up because you own a house together.

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How do you see "giddy in love people" on line?

How long have your friends been dating their S.O.'s?

 

I mean people I know in real life posting how happy and in love they are all over social media.

We rarely post selfies or anything, he's not much of a PDA person, where as I enjoy more than holding hands and a peck.

They've been dating them for anywhere between 1 year-6-7 years

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Herein lies your problem:

 

This house happened for practical reasons -- you were buying a house yourself, but because he was going to move in, you thought - oh it will be easier if we buy it together. Not "we are engaged and are going to househunt before the wedding". You did not buy property because you were totally sold on this guy and want to have babies with him. If you had not bought a house together, the relationship may have ended naturally before this point or not but you would have made that decision not out of sheer necessity. But now its too hard to break up because you own a house together.

 

You've hit the nail on the head I'm afraid. That's the point I constantly keep circling. My sister knows me so well that when we bought the house, she even said "that's a biiiig step, how do you feel?" and I would always back up her queries with "It's not really that big of a step. Remember: I'm doing this to better myself financially. This is a decision for my financial future." She would raise her eyebrows and keep quiet after that, but the look on her face said it all. She knew I was lying to myself. Or at the very least putting a bandaid on some issues.

 

I also found some racy text messages a few days before we signed the final papers on the house between him and a girl I was suspicious about...I told him "If we weren't getting this house I'd break up with you"

 

At that point it already felt so final and I couldn't see how we'd be able to back out of the sale, so I got over it as best I could and bought the house.

 

But now it's feels like I can't brush anything under the rug for much longer

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You've hit the nail on the head I'm afraid. That's the point I constantly keep circling. My sister knows me so well that when we bought the house, she even said "that's a biiiig step, how do you feel?" and I would always back up her queries with "It's not really that big of a step. Remember: I'm doing this to better myself financially. This is a decision for my financial future." She would raise her eyebrows and keep quiet after that, but the look on her face said it all. She knew I was lying to myself. Or at the very least putting a bandaid on some issues.

 

I also found some racy text messages a few days before we signed the final papers on the house between him and a girl I was suspicious about...I told him "If we weren't getting this house I'd break up with you"

 

At that point it already felt so final and I couldn't see how we'd be able to back out of the sale, so I got over it as best I could and bought the house.

 

But now it's feels like I can't brush anything under the rug for much longer

 

You only would have done this to better yourself if you bought the house by yourself. It is highly recommended that in a dating couple = a house is purchased by someone and the other person is asked to live there and shares bills...or not.

Yes, you could have backed out of the sale - there are circumstances that happen before the closing - one of the spouses die, a job loss that changes their situation, etc, or one of the parties walking away from the deal. if you qualified for the house alone, you could have purchased it alone. I think you didn't want to rock the boat -- and it was a very expensive decision not to rock the boat. Now its going to mean that the house has to be sold if you can't afford to buy him out or can't qualify for the mortgage on your own. Or he may fight you for it. i assume you are both on the mortgage

 

You were in absolute denial at the time - and now you are waking up.

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I can relate, OP.

 

I dated a great guy from 18-23, and while we were younger than you and your boyfriend and didn't own a house, we did live together for around 3 years. He wanted to get married and have a family. He loved me, was a kind person, good sense of humor, good job, all of that.

 

But I realized when he started talking about marriage (down the line) that I didn't picture myself with him forever. I couldn't really even pinpoint why, exactly, other than I just didn't feel strongly enough about him anymore. Of course we were also very young, but my desire and curiosity to see what else was out there was growing stronger a while he was clearly wanting to establish our future together. I wasn't ready to commit myself to just him forever. I didn't feel excited when I imagined him proposing or us getting married; quite the opposite, actually.

 

It was hard, but I ended it. I felt awful because he was so hurt. But it was the right choice. We were good friends, but not romantic partners.

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I can relate, OP.

 

I dated a great guy from 18-23, and while we were younger than you and your boyfriend and didn't own a house, we did live together for around 3 years. He wanted to get married and have a family. He loved me, was a kind person, good sense of humor, good job, all of that.

 

But I realized when he started talking about marriage (down the line) that I didn't picture myself with him forever. I couldn't really even pinpoint why, exactly, other than I just didn't feel strongly enough about him anymore. Of course we were also very young, but my desire and curiosity to see what else was out there was growing stronger a while he was clearly wanting to establish our future together. I wasn't ready to commit myself to just him forever. I didn't feel excited when I imagined him proposing or us getting married; quite the opposite, actually.

 

It was hard, but I ended it. I felt awful because he was so hurt. But it was the right choice. We were good friends, but not romantic partners.

 

I feel the same way, for the life of me I cannot pinpoint WHY I feel this way... All signs should be pointing to marriage and kids and the excitement that comes with that. He knows where I stand on children (not ready in the slightest) and he's told me before that if in a few years I'm still not ready for that he will need to have a serious conversation.

 

Thanks again for your input, it's nice to know I'm not the only one that has had questions or concerns about a long term S/O...

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