Overreacting?

I got married on Saturday. The Wednesday before, I snooped into my fiance's Facebook and found an extremely explicit message from another woman. He had deleted any previous messages. I freaked out. He said he had messaged someone he had sex with years ago, before we met, just to 'see if she remembered.' She got back to him months later. This isn't the first time I've caught him doing things like this, but it had been over a year since I had caught him doing anything. I thought we had moved past it. I firmly believe he hasn't physically cheated on me.

I still went through with the wedding. All of our friends and family were already here.

What would you do? We're going back to couples therapy tomorrow. Am I overreacting to this exchange?

Is this the same guy you wrote about 2 years ago (in viewing your prior threads) who had the porn addiction?

I'm so sorry, but this isn't going to change. And he's lying to you.

You asked "What would you do?" so I'm going to answer: Annulment if possible, divorce if not.

Sigh. Yes, it's the same guy. Why I went through with this, I do not know.

I read previous posts.

Yeah... He doesn't even seem like just a porn addict but also cheater. I've known a few guys with a porn addiction and that didn't cause them to message other woman or do other things like "feeling out" things in an attempt to cheat. They just watched a lot of porn.

The guy sounds absolutely terrible. I would really think with his behavior there is more than just a porn addiction. Messaging co-workers like that is a huge boundary issue. Things will only get worse.

If you JUST got married I would attempt an annulment.

I posted on the old post accidently while reading up.

This guy sounds bad. I doubt he jist has a porn addiction. His behavior looks like it will lead to cheating (if he already haven't).

I would end it. Might be able to get it annulled if you do it fast enough.

Sigh. Yes, it's the same guy. Why I went through with this, I do not know.

You went through this because you had hope. He promised he'd change. He told you repeatedly how it was months ago, or how he didn't initiate it, or how he didn't "mean" it to happen. How you're the only woman he ever would truly love. And on. And on. And on.

You are not to blame here. You were ruled by your desire to be loved, adored, paid attention to. You were ruled by your emotions, and unfortunately, your brain didn't process the facts.

Thank you so much for saying that. I can't decide if I'm the weakest person ever, or if I stuck this out because I'm strong and I believe in people. I did have hope. And now I feel like I've been fooled. I feel like I know for sure now. I wish I hadn't found out literally hours before our wedding.

Thank you for that response, really.

I can't decide if I'm the weakest person ever, or if I stuck this out because I'm strong and I believe in people.

You are neither the weakest person ever, nor are you particularly strong (in this case). You are a person who got caught up in the emotions of feeling loved. Let's face it, there is no greater feeling of commitment than someone standing there, marrying you, saying that he wants to be with you for the rest of your life.

You must stay strong now, as you decide what you will do. Hugs to you.

I'm going to take an alternative viewpoint. We've ascertained that your new husband has an interest in sex. And men want/need sex every couple of days. Then give it to him! Have sex with him three or more times a week. Let him know that if he's horny, he can get it from you and no one else. It's very hard to cheat when your needs are being fully met! It works a lot better than having arguments and feels a lot better too.

I'm going to take an alternative viewpoint. We've ascertained that your new husband has an interest in sex. And men want/need sex every couple of days. Then give it to him! Have sex with him three or more times a week. Let him know that if he's horny, he can get it from you and no one else. It's very hard to cheat when your needs are being fully met! It works a lot better than having arguments and feels a lot better too.

^^^ Worst advice ever.

An interest in sex is normal and natural. An interest in having sex 3 or more times a week....again, normal!

Engaging in cheating and lying behaviors, and expecting you to be ok with it: not normal.

I'm going to take an alternative viewpoint. We've ascertained that your new husband has an interest in sex. And men want/need sex every couple of days. Then give it to him! Have sex with him three or more times a week. Let him know that if he's horny, he can get it from you and no one else. It's very hard to cheat when your needs are being fully met! It works a lot better than having arguments and feels a lot better too.

I've heard enough to know that even though a cheater has enough sex from their partner, that doesn't stop them from cheating anyway. It is the thrill of the act of cheating cheaters get off on, not just having enough sex. Besides, a cheater is bound to be careless and end up with STD's. I do not recommend the OP sleep with her husband. At all. She will be putting her sexual health at risk and will still have a cheating husband if she sleeps with him more.

Have sex with him three or more times a week. Let him know that if he's horny, he can get it from you and no one else. It's very hard to cheat when your needs are being fully met!

Ladies...Now why didn't we figure this out on our own? Brilliant!

If any messages are deleted that means he didn't want you seeing them for whatever reason! Honestly I would have a deep talk with him and tell him you will not tolerate this behaviour! If it we're me I would leave because that's not right one bit! I do believe in second chances but it sounds to me he has had more then that! Sometimes when men dont have big consicuences they feel they can get away with it again. Even though it is indeed wrong.. My fiance has lied to me twice and each time I found out because he was a very bad lier, I told him I was hurt by it and if it had happened again we would he done for good and him seeing me crying hysterically and being hurt and knowing I would be done for real if he lied again was enough for him to change and to always be honest with me.

Cheating and sex drives aren't inherently related. I'm an everyday kind of fellow and if I wasn't having sex enough my brain doesn't go to extramarital relations. That is a illogical jump anyways.

I have known of several men to cheat on their wives and none of them had an above average drive. Whereas most the guys I know with rather higher sex drives are in really committed relationships.

Having more sex isn't a way to solve anything here. That doesn't even have anything to do with infidelity, just a very common excuse.

^

Thank you!