I'm trying to get through to my sister but she shuts me out

I'm not really sure if I'm posting in the right forum because the label says "parenting and families," and this is more about my sister than my parents. But let me give you a bit of backstory. I'm sorry if I'm writing a bunch of information unrelated to my issue, but I find writing thing out helps me process.

My sister and I are 6 years apart. She's 23 and I'm 17. But I've never really MET met her until this year. My mom and my dad had this very nasty divorce when my mom was pregnant with me and my mom got me and my dad got my sister. So for the first 17 years of my life, I was raised by my mom who loved me very much. Don't get me wrong. I love my mom to death, but when I was little, all I ever did was wonder, and wonder, and wonder how it would be like to have a dad. How did my dad talk, how did he act like and all that stuff. I've seen pictures of him when my mom pulled out her wedding photos, but it was really hard to get my mom to tell me much about him without her getting really sad. So he was basically a mystery to me. My mom never really talked about my sister much either. I mean, I knew I had a sister, but I never has seen her.

I've always had this concept about my father. When I was a child I've always dreams about so many possible combinations of how my father was. Sometimes he was funny, sometimes he was smart. I even made up stories about what kind of man he was. But long story short, I had this really positive, idealistic view of my dad without even meeting him, and I had this kind of yearning to know who he was. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom but I just don't know why I've wanted this ideal image of a dad so much it kind of hurts.

Fast forward many years later. My mom tells me that my dad is dead and so many emotions run through my head. Part of my feels so sad and I kind of feel like I'm in a mourning state for someone I've never met and the other part of me can't feel anything, because I've never met him. But after my dad's passing, my mom and I go to Montana for the funeral where I meet my sister for the first time.

And it's so weird seeing someone who you've actually never met for the first time. She's so much different than how I thought she would be, but my first reaction is to go up to her and talk to her. And she kind of coldly puts me off. Not like a cold turn of the head kind of put off. She actually gives me the middle finger and tells me to f*** off.

So I think "Okay, she's mourning," and I dismiss her rude behavior. So I wait a couple weeks and try to talk to her again, and she goes and does the same thing this time, except she even takes the extra effort to insult me, which I forgive, because I thought it might just be because she's mourning.

So after months and months of pushing, I decide that maybe we can bond over a common ground. So I get the photo album that my mom has and show her all the old pictures of my parents and her. And I don't know why, but for some reason I suddenly start telling her all the ideals I had of who my father was. And then she finally opens up, but not like how I expected.

Apparently my father had been abusive. Like really abusive. He would get drunk and physically abuse her and he would chase her around the house sometimes with a broken wine glass like he was going to kill her. Whatever money she got from selling odd things at school, he would take to gamble away the next day. Apparently the scar above her eye came from him too.

When she told me this, I think I kind of felt sick. I think my ears when hallow too and I think I wasn't hearing things for a while. I wanted to throw up, I wanted to cry. I don't know, but the dad I thought I had wasn't even real. Instead I got this abusive scum, and a broken sister.

That was the last time my sister and I really had a coherent conversation. After she told me the truth about my dad, she as been even ruder to me than usual. I really want to help her. I really, really, really do. My mom keeps trying to get her to move in with us as well, but she keeps refusing and all she's been is just downright rude. And now that I know why she's been an a**hole to me, I am even more determined to get through to her. I know her abrasiveness is from her abuse. I don't think she's a bad person at all. Just hurting really badly. And even though I know the truth of my dad now, part of my still wants to cling on to what's left of him for some reason, and my sister is the only thing I had left of the other half of my family.

My mom has tried to be inclusive to her, but she kind of gave up after my sister called her some horrible things. But I really don't want to give up on her. She never talks to anyone. She has no friends or any form of support, and she has to deal with this by herself. I can't stand to see her suffer like this, but what can I do if all she does is shut me out?

Please understand that your sister is a stranger to you. You won't have an instant relationship. I don't understand why you and your sister never saw eachother - that is very unusual that a court would not protect your right to see your sister. In fact,i have heard sometimes a dad will get custody of a teen son and mom would get the young daughter - but i have never heard of a dad getting sole custody of an older daughter unless she was not your mother's.

Understand that she is mourning and very hurt -- she is free of abuse from your father and it does not help her to know that her sister was not abused -- the feeling that mom chose you over her if that is what her mind is about --- and that her dad was not the dad you think you had.

I think mom should keep trying by just sending cards and letters - however - why has she not done this her whole life?? I mean --kids call their parents all sorts of things when they are growing up and for mom to turn her back like that?

I would continue to include my sister and know she is hurting. Don't force "opening up emotionally" but send cards to her, try to arrange a visit in a few months or so, etc. you never know - maybe the 12th card will just sink in that you care. She doesn't really know you and you have to give her time

Please understand that your sister is a stranger to you. You won't have an instant relationship. I don't understand why you and your sister never saw eachother - that is very unusual that a court would not protect your right to see your sister. In fact,i have heard sometimes a dad will get custody of a teen son and mom would get the young daughter - but i have never heard of a dad getting sole custody of an older daughter unless she was not your mother's.

 

Understand that she is mourning and very hurt -- she is free of abuse from your father and it does not help her to know that her sister was not abused -- the feeling that mom chose you over her if that is what her mind is about --- and that her dad was not the dad you think you had.

 

I think mom should keep trying by just sending cards and letters - however - why has she not done this her whole life?? I mean --kids call their parents all sorts of things when they are growing up and for mom to turn her back like that?

 

I would continue to include my sister and know she is hurting. Don't force "opening up emotionally" but send cards to her, try to arrange a visit in a few months or so, etc. you never know - maybe the 12th card will just sink in that you care. She doesn't really know you and you have to give her time

Yeah, maybe I'm trying too hard to push something that needs time. I don't know. It's true that I don't know her, but it doesn't stop me from feeling really, really, really bad for her. When I was younger, my mom always comforted me when I was angry or hurt, and I have found that no matter how bad it got, when you had someone supporting you, it got better. I think that's why I'm so adamant on trying to give her support.

And my mom apparently did keep emails. I really don't know why things played out like it did. I did talk to some of my other friends whose parents were divorced, and they had ALL seen their other parent. So I don't know what kind of fishy things are going on here.

Maybe you're right. I'm taking things too fast. I'll try the card idea, thank you!

All you can really do is keep offering. I wouldn't hold my breath. Your mother did a real number on your sister. She was isolated from the rest of her family with an abusive monster and her mother never checked in? She's been through a nightmare. And she probably needs a lot of healing before she could even begin to open her heart to the people who abandoned her to her awful situation. I know you had no say in it... but you were the daughter your mother kept. The kind of pain she is carrying around with her isn't just going to disappear over night. If I was in your place I would keep offering... unless she made it clear she didn't want those offers. Mostly I would try to respect anything she asked of me. Even if it was to leave her alone.

All you can really do is keep offering. I wouldn't hold my breath. Your mother did a real number on your sister. She was isolated from the rest of her family with an abusive monster and her mother never checked in? She's been through a nightmare. And she probably needs a lot of healing before she could even begin to open her heart to the people who abandoned her to her awful situation. I know you had no say in it... but you were the daughter your mother kept. The kind of pain she is carrying around with her isn't just going to disappear over night. If I was in your place I would keep offering... unless she made it clear she didn't want those offers. Mostly I would try to respect anything she asked of me. Even if it was to leave her alone.

I've actually never thought about that. But now that I think about it, you're right. I've been doing a lot of damage to her by just not talking to her until my dad died. That actually kind of makes me feel a little worse because it's kind both our faults-- both my mother and I-- for not reaching out more. I didn't push for answers much as a child because I kind of accepted that it was just how things were, a life with just mom and I. I can't believe I've been so blind to that maybe she doesn't want to reach out to me because she sees me as one of her torturers. Thanks for the reality check. I can't believe I've never seen it that way.

All you can really do is keep offering. I wouldn't hold my breath. Your mother did a real number on your sister. She was isolated from the rest of her family with an abusive monster and her mother never checked in? She's been through a nightmare. And she probably needs a lot of healing before she could even begin to open her heart to the people who abandoned her to her awful situation. I know you had no say in it... but you were the daughter your mother kept. The kind of pain she is carrying around with her isn't just going to disappear over night. If I was in your place I would keep offering... unless she made it clear she didn't want those offers. Mostly I would try to respect anything she asked of me. Even if it was to leave her alone.

Yes. She probably hates your mom right now and i can understand why! Just be consistent - always send her cards, or letters (physical letters are even better because the person is not interrupted - they can sit and hold it and it isn't popping up at a bad time for them during their day and they are less likely to fire back impulsively). You can even send a postcard from a place you like to go - or things that don't involve confronting her.

Yeah, maybe I'm trying too hard to push something that needs time. I don't know. It's true that I don't know her, but it doesn't stop me from feeling really, really, really bad for her. When I was younger, my mom always comforted me when I was angry or hurt, and I have found that no matter how bad it got, when you had someone supporting you, it got better. I think that's why I'm so adamant on trying to give her support.

 

And my mom apparently did keep emails. I really don't know why things played out like it did. I did talk to some of my other friends whose parents were divorced, and they had ALL seen their other parent. So I don't know what kind of fishy things are going on here.

 

Maybe you're right. I'm taking things too fast. I'll try the card idea, thank you!

I think you need a heart to heart with your mom. You are old enough to ask why dad got your sister and why the sister was erased from your life

I've actually never thought about that. But now that I think about it, you're right. I've been doing a lot of damage to her by just not talking to her until my dad died. That actually kind of makes me feel a little worse because it's kind both our faults-- both my mother and I-- for not reaching out more. I didn't push for answers much as a child because I kind of accepted that it was just how things were, a life with just mom and I. I can't believe I've been so blind to that maybe she doesn't want to reach out to me because she sees me as one of her torturers. Thanks for the reality check. I can't believe I've never seen it that way.

Its not your fault as a child for reaching out - you were a kid!

I don't think she sees you as a torturer - but right now she probably resents how you had a good life and she was abused - and that's against your mother and not you.

Things are really confusing for her right now -- does she mourn or is she happy to be free? This is a damaged young woman. She probably has just as many questions as you do.

I've actually never thought about that. But now that I think about it, you're right. I've been doing a lot of damage to her by just not talking to her until my dad died. That actually kind of makes me feel a little worse because it's kind both our faults-- both my mother and I-- for not reaching out more. I didn't push for answers much as a child because I kind of accepted that it was just how things were, a life with just mom and I. I can't believe I've been so blind to that maybe she doesn't want to reach out to me because she sees me as one of her torturers. Thanks for the reality check. I can't believe I've never seen it that way.

None of this was your fault. Don't take that on. You are a victim of the crap your parents pulled as well. You sound like a kind caring human who wants the best for your sister.

....Do you really not understand the hate that your sister feels toward your mother and you too????

Put yourself in her shoes. From where she is standing, your mother not only abandoned her to a monster and a life of absolute hell, BUT chose you over her. Chose to keep you and protect you while leaving her behind. Chose to raise you in a nice, happy environment while she was running for her life from a so called father trying to kill her. This may not be true and there may be a lot more to this story, but that is how your sister sees this. Her own mother didn't fight for her and chose to keep another child instead.

Your sister is an incredibly damaged young woman and I sincerely hope that she is now able to find some peace in her life, that she gets help and counseling and eventually heals from her past. You, however, need to have the emotional intelligence to leave her be until she is ready to talk to you IF ever. You didn't cause these problems, but at the same time, you are not the person to fix them and trying to and trying to force yourself is rather selfish of you. If you want to ever stand a chance with building a relationship with her, then send her a letter telling her that you understand the horror and the hate and that you are both victims of incredibly effed up parents, and this includes your mother, and that if she ever needs a sister, if she ever wants to speak to you, you'll always be there for her and if she doesn't, that you understand that too and then let her be.

Also, you really do need to have an adult conversation with your mother about what really happened back then. She owes you the truth at this point. She should have told you long ago why she had to leave your father and who he really is instead of allowing you to live in lala land.