Sexual attraction in love and relationships

Hello,

First my background: I'm well experienced with women and have had a few serious-ish relationships (6-12 months in duration and vague talk of marriage). I have a history of losing sexual desire for women in a relationship, which in retrospect was because of lack of compatibility, but also because I just didn't feel satisfied with them physically. That's bothered me and has led me to wonder if I don't have some unrealistic standards of beauty.

I recently met a woman my age (early 30's). She's kind, intelligent, and seems to be compatible with me in a lot of ways (lifestyle, gets along with my friends, etc...). We've been dating for several weeks now. When I first met her, I found her attractive. Not drop dead gorgeous mind you, but attractive. She's not my "type" physically but I'm at a point with dating where I'm open to dating multiple kinds of people.

We had sex on the third date, about two weeks ago. I wasn't very turned on by her body (I won't go into details because it will sound judgy and will bias readers). Suffice it to say she had a lot of physical characteristics that I don't find attractive and have not been on the bodies of most women I've dated. We had sex again the following weekend and I had to turn the lights off and was not terribly into it.

At this point, most readers are probably thinking, "Why the hell are you even still seeing her?" Well, fair question. Perhaps because I enjoy her company and find comfort in her presence and think she would be a good choice for a partner long term. I'm also scared that if I pass this up, I'm just going to be in the same place again with the next girl. After all, looks fade on everybody on a long enough timeline. If my goal is to get married, won't I one day be married to a women with wrinkles and all kinds of imperfections? Does that mean I have to settle for that now? I'm young and fit, shouldn't I find a woman who is also young and fit?

I don't think there's any solution for my current situation other than to stop seeing her. But perhaps people have been in similar situations and can provide some insights.

My personal opinion: You don't seem to get past the "honeymoon" stage of relationships. It also appears from you post you are really hung up on the perfect body. If she is kind and compatible "in a lot of ways", does that not count for some attraction?

You should let her go and let her find someone that will value her more as a total package.

You are right in one thing , we do all age ..it comes my friend ..I am 50 and I tell you , I woke up one morning and my cheeks where sat on my neck and the lines between my eyes could happily carry an open topped tour bus .

I don't think you are shallow , you are brutally honest I give you that , and you are allowed to like what you like ... but you have to set this girl free , I mean come on , you know to say what you have said about her , it is now not fair to even let her get naked with you again .

Sure wrinkles will happen, but genuine chemistry doesn't fade. Sounds to me like you keep trying to date and make it work with women you don't have any real sexual chemistry with even if you find them attractive otherwise, even physically. Finding someone attractive is not the same thing as sexual chemistry, that click that people talk about, etc. That thing doesn't die off with age, wrinkles, fights, life's assorted issues. Stop wasting your time on women who don't really float your boat in full and focus on finding those who do.

It sounds like you have sex too early. Had you taken the time to get to know her better as a person first, it might have been that you would have reached a point where you would have been so in love with her character that the physical aspect would not factor in so heavily. If you feel that you would be settling, then it's best to stop seeing her.

Sex on the third date means that you are getting intimate with a stranger. There is no real emotion involved at that point. Emotional links need time to cultivate. It's no wonder that the physical aspect overrides all other aspects at that point.

It sounds like you have sex too early. Had you taken the time to get to know her better as a person first, it might have been that you would have reached a point where you would have been so in love with her character that the physical aspect would not factor in so heavily. If you feel that you would be settling, then it's best to stop seeing her.

 

Sex on the third date means that you are getting intimate with a stranger. There is no real emotion involved at that point. Emotional links need time to cultivate. It's no wonder that the physical aspect overrides all other aspects at that point.

I thank you for your post, but I also disagree. The third date is pretty standard for most people, in my experience. Also, for what it's worth, it was more or less her idea.

I also am not so confident that getting to know someone is going to compensate for lack of attraction/sexual chemistry.

My personal opinion: You don't seem to get past the "honeymoon" stage of relationships. It also appears from you post you are really hung up on the perfect body. If she is kind and compatible "in a lot of ways", does that not count for some attraction?

 

You should let her go and let her find someone that will value her more as a total package.

You would think that would count for some attraction, right?

But it doesn't. That's my quandary.

You would think that would count for some attraction, right?

 

But it doesn't. That's my quandary.

Hardly a quandary. Pretty much what we all deal with. Finding someone you have real genuine chemistry with plus all the other things too is about as easy as finding a needle in the haystack. Roll up your sleeves and buckle down to a long and tedious search. Eventually you'll get there.

That said, while I may find some things somewhat negotiable, sexual chemistry is totally non-negotiable for me. I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone I'm not hot and bothered about. Wouldn't work for me. That's the core threshold requirement. Other things I'll look at with time and it does take time to see someone's personality and develop deeper connections in terms of emotional and intellectual type. Chemistry is pretty much either there or it's not. If it's not, not worth wasting time on anything else. Speaking strictly for myself, chemistry for me doesn't develop just because he is nice. Without that animal attraction, he is just a nice friend.

No offence, but I think you should break things off with her because SHE deserves better. If she were to enter a long term sexual relationship, she deserves to be with someone who finds her sexy and irresistibly attractive, both physically and mentally/emotionally. You already know that you can't be that guy for her and this isn't an issue that can be fixed

Attraction fades over time so finding someone who you have a spark with early on and who ticks all the boxes is important because that's what keeps us going when things get difficult or the initial buzz wears off. I don't see how someone can tick all the boxes unless you find them physically attractive and consider yourself lucky to be with them.

Hardly a quandary. Pretty much what we all deal with. Finding someone you have real genuine chemistry with plus all the other things too is about as easy as finding a needle in the haystack. Roll up your sleeves and buckle down to a long and tedious search. Eventually you'll get there.

 

That said, while I may find some things somewhat negotiable, sexual chemistry is totally non-negotiable for me. I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone I'm not hot and bothered about. Wouldn't work for me. That's the core threshold requirement. Other things I'll look at with time and it does take time to see someone's personality and develop deeper connections in terms of emotional and intellectual type. Chemistry is pretty much either there or it's not. If it's not, not worth wasting time on anything else. Speaking strictly for myself, chemistry for me doesn't develop just because he is nice. Without that animal attraction, he is just a nice friend.

Thank you very much for this answer and your previous. I appreciate your non-judgmental and detailed response, as well as reminding me that what I'm experiencing is pretty normal and common. Other commenters may disagree, but experience and intuition is telling me that this chemistry is not going to just appear, despite me wishing for it to.

I suppose I'm a bit in denial, since as you say, it's like finding a needle in a haystack. I'm okay with this being a tedious search, as long as the tedium is not a reflection of me doing something wrong with my approach to dating.

Is she fairly close in attractiveness to what you consider yourself to be? Preferances aren't an issue imo. However, I do know some guys who have very unrealistic physical expectations, especially in reference to compared attractiveness. That is an issue.

My wife was 50 lbs lighter and in great shape when we met. Thirteen years later and I am much more physically attracted to her now then I was then. I wouldn't worry about "losing it" if it was there to begin with. But equally less likely is for you to "gain it" after everything you have described so far.

I think you just need to keep looking in the hay stack.

Thank you very much for this answer and your previous. I appreciate your non-judgmental and detailed response, as well as reminding me that what I'm experiencing is pretty normal and common. Other commenters may disagree, but experience and intuition is telling me that this chemistry is not going to just appear, despite me wishing for it to.

 

I suppose I'm a bit in denial, since as you say, it's like finding a needle in a haystack. I'm okay with this being a tedious search, as long as the tedium is not a reflection of me doing something wrong with my approach to dating.

Well...I mean you are doing something wrong in your dating in the sense that you already found this woman not attractive and for sake of clarity, let's you weren't feeling any sexual chemistry. So with that, you should have quit cold after that first date/meet. If ain't there, it ain't there. Move on. Life is too short to waste on dating the wrong person. Thing too is that while you are spending time on the wrong person, you are liable to ignore the right person walking by. Dating can be ruthless in the sense that no matter how worried you feel inside about not having that special someone, no matter how lonely or horny you may feel at times, you really have to cut off the wrong candidates fast and cold.

I also wonder a bit if you somehow stop yourself from going after the girls you really want, consciously or otherwise. There are plenty of hot, athletic, fit, gorgeous women out there who also happen to be nice, kind, smart, etc. Be sure that you aren't somehow sabotaging yourself by going after less than......because of some internal fears.... Food for thought.

Third date may be what you have come across, but you barely know eachother. It's really hard to get to know someone with your clothes off by the third date. Try something different because obviously your attraction totally drops to the bottom once you have sex with them. To get out of your judgy rut, try building emotional intimacy - I mean go to dinner, museums, hiking, movies, dancing, a concert, lunch, bowling, pool, anything; you've got time to mack it later. Sex is also so much better with someone you are emotionally intimate with. I'm in NY buddy, and we are pretty fast here, but in your case, you need to slow your roll, and keep your pants on.

If you have issues with lack of attraction I am sort of confused why it is an issue on pushing sex back.

You can say all you want about norms but there is no "sex after X amount of dates" norm. All relationships are unique so... It does sound like you might jump into sex too soon.

There needs to be a heavy emotional attachment for me to have sex and that is totally impossible for me after 3 dates. Asking others is pointless. Let us assume that since you are asking for relationship advice that what you typically do isn't what is best, and that the "norm" might not be what is right for you.

I am a guy but I still couldn't have sex with a girl until I am really connected. If I have sex before that it is very blinding to whether or not we even have a potential future. I am a very very sexual person and I might waste a lot of time on the wrong person because the sex overrides my logical thinking.

I can't even imagine having sex with someone I am not even physically attracted to. If you dont have that you might as well not be in the relationship.

A successful relationship requires a lot of compatibility and sexualnattraction is way too important to not have.

Well...I mean you are doing something wrong in your dating in the sense that you already found this woman not attractive and for sake of clarity, let's you weren't feeling any sexual chemistry. So with that, you should have quit cold after that first date/meet. If ain't there, it ain't there. Move on. Life is too short to waste on dating the wrong person. Thing too is that while you are spending time on the wrong person, you are liable to ignore the right person walking by. Dating can be ruthless in the sense that no matter how worried you feel inside about not having that special someone, no matter how lonely or horny you may feel at times, you really have to cut off the wrong candidates fast and cold.

 

I also wonder a bit if you somehow stop yourself from going after the girls you really want, consciously or otherwise. There are plenty of hot, athletic, fit, gorgeous women out there who also happen to be nice, kind, smart, etc. Be sure that you aren't somehow sabotaging yourself by going after less than......because of some internal fears.... Food for thought.

Trust me, when I see a cute girl, I go after her

But I hear what you're saying. "doing something wrong with dating" is perhaps the wrong phrase. I suppose I meant something more along the lines of deep seated issue with looks and sex.

Third date may be what you have come across, but you barely know eachother. It's really hard to get to know someone with your clothes off by the third date. Try something different because obviously your attraction totally drops to the bottom once you have sex with them. To get out of your judgy rut, try building emotional intimacy - I mean go to dinner, museums, hiking, movies, dancing, a concert, lunch, bowling, pool, anything; you've got time to mack it later. Sex is also so much better with someone you are emotionally intimate with. I'm in NY buddy, and we are pretty fast here, but in your case, you need to slow your roll, and keep your pants on.

I'm sorry, but there's really nothing about this advice that strikes me as well founded. And it's perhaps my fault for not elaborating. For one thing, there are lots of women who I have good sexual chemistry with even after sex. It's just that a lot of times they don't end up being my girlfriend. I don't see how five, ten, fifteen dates is going to suddenly change the degree of emotional intimacy. After all, sex is a powerful way in itself of building emotional intimacy.

I'm sorry, but there's really nothing about this advice that strikes me as well founded.

Well founded as in it has no real world basis for being true?

I agree with those statements a lot. Could you be more specific?

Well founded as in it has no real world basis for being true?

 

I agree with those statements a lot. Could you be more specific?

Yes, I edited the post to include a bit more detail.

I'm sorry, but there's really nothing about this advice that strikes me as well founded. And it's perhaps my fault for not elaborating. For one thing, there are lots of women who I have good sexual chemistry with even after sex. It's just that a lot of times they don't end up being my girlfriend. I don't see how five, ten, fifteen dates is going to suddenly change the degree of emotional intimacy. After all, sex is a powerful way in itself of building emotional intimacy.

Well, you could keep trying the same thing over and over and porking ladies early on. But you are reporting that it's not working for you - at all. Maybe try a different approach.

If you have issues with lack of attraction I am sort of confused why it is an issue on pushing sex back.

 

You can say all you want about norms but there is no "sex after X amount of dates" norm. All relationships are unique so... It does sound like you might jump into sex too soon.

 

There needs to be a heavy emotional attachment for me to have sex and that is totally impossible for me after 3 dates. Asking others is pointless. Let us assume that since you are asking for relationship advice that what you typically do isn't what is best, and that the "norm" might not be what is right for you.

 

I am a guy but I still couldn't have sex with a girl until I am really connected. If I have sex before that it is very blinding to whether or not we even have a potential future. I am a very very sexual person and I might waste a lot of time on the wrong person because the sex overrides my logical thinking.

 

I can't even imagine having sex with someone I am not even physically attracted to. If you dont have that you might as well not be in the relationship.

 

A successful relationship requires a lot of compatibility and sexualnattraction is way too important to not have.

I've had plenty of one night stands. Intimacy is not a strong need of mine although in recent months I've begun re-examining this.

I'm open to thinking that more time together might have changed my feelings of sexual chemistry. But I doubt that.

Well, you could keep trying the same thing over and over and porking ladies early on. But you are reporting that it's not working for you - at all. Maybe try a different approach.

In recent relationships, I lost the sexual chemistry by about month 4 or 5. Obviously we had gotten to know each other plenty well at that point. Intimacy is clearly not the factor.

In other instances I've had sex with a girl on the second or third date, and still had flaming chemistry four months later. However those 'relationships' had to end for other reasons, such as the girl not being interested in commitment or some other very large obstacle.

Well, you could keep trying the same thing over and over and porking ladies early on. But you are reporting that it's not working for you - at all. Maybe try a different approach.

I must agree. What you are doing is not working. That is why you are here asking questions. So the logic behind saying "it works fine because it is normal" is irrelevant.

We are saying that is you want both PHYSICAL and EMOTIONAL chemistry wait on sex. Having great sexual chemsitry is worthless in a LTR if you can't stand the person. Just like being crazy about a connection with a person is worthless when you have to turn the lights out to have sex.

The sex with skew your take on emotional connection very often. Having you stay in a relationship for a lot longer than you should and wasting everyone's time.

But if you have an emotional connection and not a strong sexual one, that does often form with time when you are really into that person.

So statically you are at a higher chance to find a LTR that lasts if you wait a bit. Instead of having sex early and imprinting that sexual experience before you are really close.

So their body drastically changes in 4 or 5 months??? I guess once you start getting comfortable or they start getting comfortable (which is when intimacy starts growing), you start looking for faults?

How long has been your longest relationship, and how long ago was it?

So their body drastically changes in 4 or 5 months??? I guess once you start getting comfortable or they start getting comfortable (which is when intimacy starts growing), you start looking for faults?

 

How long has been your longest relationship, and how long ago was it?

It seems like you're eager to frame me as some judgy, body-shamer, and setting me up to defend a straw man with these questions.

The easier explanation is that I simply lacked compatibility with these women, and it took several months to realize that.

I must agree. What you are doing is not working. That is why you are here asking questions. So the logic behind saying "it works fine because it is normal" is irrelevant.

 

We are saying that is you want both PHYSICAL and EMOTIONAL chemistry wait on sex. Having great sexual chemsitry is worthless in a LTR if you can't stand the person. Just like being crazy about a connection with a person is worthless when you have to turn the lights out to have sex.

 

The sex with skew your take on emotional connection very often. Having you stay in a relationship for a lot longer than you should and wasting everyone's time.

 

But if you have an emotional connection and not a strong sexual one, that does often form with time when you are really into that person.

 

So statically you are at a higher chance to find a LTR that lasts if you wait a bit. Instead of having sex early and imprinting that sexual experience before you are really close.

Again, I want to be open to believing this but I'm also very skeptical. I think the simpler explanation is that there's simply insufficient sexual chemistry/sexual attraction. I could go on ten dates with the girl, get to know her very well, and I don't think my gut feeling towards her body would be much different. Though I could be wrong.

I suppose I won't ever know with this particular girl since we already had sex.