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Thread: Sexual attraction in love and relationships

  1. #1
    carolina55
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    Sexual attraction in love and relationships

    Hello,

    First my background: I'm well experienced with women and have had a few serious-ish relationships (6-12 months in duration and vague talk of marriage). I have a history of losing sexual desire for women in a relationship, which in retrospect was because of lack of compatibility, but also because I just didn't feel satisfied with them physically. That's bothered me and has led me to wonder if I don't have some unrealistic standards of beauty.

    I recently met a woman my age (early 30's). She's kind, intelligent, and seems to be compatible with me in a lot of ways (lifestyle, gets along with my friends, etc...). We've been dating for several weeks now. When I first met her, I found her attractive. Not drop dead gorgeous mind you, but attractive. She's not my "type" physically but I'm at a point with dating where I'm open to dating multiple kinds of people.

    We had sex on the third date, about two weeks ago. I wasn't very turned on by her body (I won't go into details because it will sound judgy and will bias readers). Suffice it to say she had a lot of physical characteristics that I don't find attractive and have not been on the bodies of most women I've dated. We had sex again the following weekend and I had to turn the lights off and was not terribly into it.

    At this point, most readers are probably thinking, "Why the hell are you even still seeing her?" Well, fair question. Perhaps because I enjoy her company and find comfort in her presence and think she would be a good choice for a partner long term. I'm also scared that if I pass this up, I'm just going to be in the same place again with the next girl. After all, looks fade on everybody on a long enough timeline. If my goal is to get married, won't I one day be married to a women with wrinkles and all kinds of imperfections? Does that mean I have to settle for that now? I'm young and fit, shouldn't I find a woman who is also young and fit?

    I don't think there's any solution for my current situation other than to stop seeing her. But perhaps people have been in similar situations and can provide some insights.

  2. #2
    NotMonday
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    My personal opinion: You don't seem to get past the "honeymoon" stage of relationships. It also appears from you post you are really hung up on the perfect body. If she is kind and compatible "in a lot of ways", does that not count for some attraction?

    You should let her go and let her find someone that will value her more as a total package.

  3. #3
    pippy longstocking
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    You are right in one thing , we do all age ..it comes my friend ..I am 50 and I tell you , I woke up one morning and my cheeks where sat on my neck and the lines between my eyes could happily carry an open topped tour bus .

    I don't think you are shallow , you are brutally honest I give you that , and you are allowed to like what you like ... but you have to set this girl free , I mean come on , you know to say what you have said about her , it is now not fair to even let her get naked with you again .

  4. #4
    DancingFool
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    Sure wrinkles will happen, but genuine chemistry doesn't fade. Sounds to me like you keep trying to date and make it work with women you don't have any real sexual chemistry with even if you find them attractive otherwise, even physically. Finding someone attractive is not the same thing as sexual chemistry, that click that people talk about, etc. That thing doesn't die off with age, wrinkles, fights, life's assorted issues. Stop wasting your time on women who don't really float your boat in full and focus on finding those who do.

  5. #5
    Clio
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    It sounds like you have sex too early. Had you taken the time to get to know her better as a person first, it might have been that you would have reached a point where you would have been so in love with her character that the physical aspect would not factor in so heavily. If you feel that you would be settling, then it's best to stop seeing her.

    Sex on the third date means that you are getting intimate with a stranger. There is no real emotion involved at that point. Emotional links need time to cultivate. It's no wonder that the physical aspect overrides all other aspects at that point.

  6. #6
    carolina55
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    Quote Originally Posted by Clio [Register to see the link]
    It sounds like you have sex too early. Had you taken the time to get to know her better as a person first, it might have been that you would have reached a point where you would have been so in love with her character that the physical aspect would not factor in so heavily. If you feel that you would be settling, then it's best to stop seeing her.

    Sex on the third date means that you are getting intimate with a stranger. There is no real emotion involved at that point. Emotional links need time to cultivate. It's no wonder that the physical aspect overrides all other aspects at that point.
    I thank you for your post, but I also disagree. The third date is pretty standard for most people, in my experience. Also, for what it's worth, it was more or less her idea.

    I also am not so confident that getting to know someone is going to compensate for lack of attraction/sexual chemistry.

  7. #7
    carolina55
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    Quote Originally Posted by NotMonday [Register to see the link]
    My personal opinion: You don't seem to get past the "honeymoon" stage of relationships. It also appears from you post you are really hung up on the perfect body. If she is kind and compatible "in a lot of ways", does that not count for some attraction?

    You should let her go and let her find someone that will value her more as a total package.
    You would think that would count for some attraction, right?

    But it doesn't. That's my quandary.

  8. #8
    DancingFool
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    Quote Originally Posted by carolina55 [Register to see the link]
    You would think that would count for some attraction, right?

    But it doesn't. That's my quandary.
    Hardly a quandary. Pretty much what we all deal with. Finding someone you have real genuine chemistry with plus all the other things too is about as easy as finding a needle in the haystack. Roll up your sleeves and buckle down to a long and tedious search. Eventually you'll get there.

    That said, while I may find some things somewhat negotiable, sexual chemistry is totally non-negotiable for me. I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone I'm not hot and bothered about. Wouldn't work for me. That's the core threshold requirement. Other things I'll look at with time and it does take time to see someone's personality and develop deeper connections in terms of emotional and intellectual type. Chemistry is pretty much either there or it's not. If it's not, not worth wasting time on anything else. Speaking strictly for myself, chemistry for me doesn't develop just because he is nice. Without that animal attraction, he is just a nice friend.

  9. #9
    glitterfingers
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    No offence, but I think you should break things off with her because SHE deserves better. If she were to enter a long term sexual relationship, she deserves to be with someone who finds her sexy and irresistibly attractive, both physically and mentally/emotionally. You already know that you can't be that guy for her and this isn't an issue that can be fixed

    Attraction fades over time so finding someone who you have a spark with early on and who ticks all the boxes is important because that's what keeps us going when things get difficult or the initial buzz wears off. I don't see how someone can tick all the boxes unless you find them physically attractive and consider yourself lucky to be with them.

  10. #10
    carolina55
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    Quote Originally Posted by DancingFool [Register to see the link]
    Hardly a quandary. Pretty much what we all deal with. Finding someone you have real genuine chemistry with plus all the other things too is about as easy as finding a needle in the haystack. Roll up your sleeves and buckle down to a long and tedious search. Eventually you'll get there.

    That said, while I may find some things somewhat negotiable, sexual chemistry is totally non-negotiable for me. I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone I'm not hot and bothered about. Wouldn't work for me. That's the core threshold requirement. Other things I'll look at with time and it does take time to see someone's personality and develop deeper connections in terms of emotional and intellectual type. Chemistry is pretty much either there or it's not. If it's not, not worth wasting time on anything else. Speaking strictly for myself, chemistry for me doesn't develop just because he is nice. Without that animal attraction, he is just a nice friend.
    Thank you very much for this answer and your previous. I appreciate your non-judgmental and detailed response, as well as reminding me that what I'm experiencing is pretty normal and common. Other commenters may disagree, but experience and intuition is telling me that this chemistry is not going to just appear, despite me wishing for it to.

    I suppose I'm a bit in denial, since as you say, it's like finding a needle in a haystack. I'm okay with this being a tedious search, as long as the tedium is not a reflection of me doing something wrong with my approach to dating.

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