I Saw My Recent Ex on a Dating Site

I'm devastated, numb, angry, confused...I saw my ex on the dating site we met on. And his profile pic is one where he looks ridiculously good and HE CROPPED ME OUT!! We lived together for a year, broke up in May - 4 months ago. Here's the back story:

It would've been fine but, we had actually started talking for a month, every day, because about the beginning of August, I broke NC after 1.5 months and contacted him because I was going through a really rough time at my internship. It wasn't because I wanted to get back together or anything like that.

Then, we started talking again...for a month. He kept texting how much he missed me, how he still has feelings for me, sometimes sending me pictures to remind us of our great times together, pictures of me which he took in our place where I was sleeping, pictures of us as a couple. He also mentioned that he still drives past our old place every day on his way to work to avoid traffic. I mean, for a month it was as if he was trying to get me to rekindle our past. He was also flirting with me, sometimes being suggestive, but I always downplayed and changed the conversation, and told him to go to Tinder for that. He was also saying that as soon as I got back, I'm his, "permanently," and he had been thinking about going back to his home state around Spring because he couldn't land his dream job here. He's working, but not in his dream job. He was also saying he asked his dad if his work was hiring grad students like me, and that I should move to where his dad works.

He also said he would always love me, I was a big part of his life here in our state, where he's been in for 3 years. I reciprocated, but I always felt a little unsure because I didn't want to go through the pain of the breakup again. All this time, he was always the one initiating the text. Sometimes, we would text back and forth for an hour or so, only talking about the great things about our relationship. It was great, it was fun. It was as if he was trying to win me over again.

He set a date for us to meet as soon as I got back and he got back from out of town. He set this date way in advance. This was last Saturday.

Well, it started out great, we were having fun. The day before, he asked me how I felt about u I then invited him back to my place - NOT to HAVE SEX - I was pretty upfront about that - but to talk. we got into an argument, mostly because I needed to ask him why he didn't want to work things out long distance. I was mostly curious, if it was because he just wanted to date other people. And if he did, then, to just be upfront about it. That's when things started to go downhill. He said it wasn't about wanting to date anyone at all. It was because I wasn't sure about my future, where I'd end up after school, where he would end up in the Spring since he had been thinking about going back to his home state. He said he didn't want to invest his emotions and time in me if the future was uncertain.

Then, he said, "I don't want to get back together. I don't need this. We're always arguing." and it seemed like everything reset back to where things were in May. He offered his friendship, he just wanted to be friends, maybe hang out once a month or every other week. He was asking me what I wanted, I said I wasn't sure, and he even said "Is that what you want to hear? That I don't want to get back together?" and asking me what my opinion was. I mean, I felt like it was pointless at that point because we were back at square one. I said I didn't want to get back together, but I wanted him in my life in whatever form. Then he said we wouldn't work out, we had different personalities, I was more type A, and he was more type B. I was crying a bit, I said I didn't want to end things that way. He said meeting up was a bad idea, and I said, no, I needed this to move on. He said he should just disappear forever and not come back. I was asking him why he was texting me all those things for the past month, without me initiating any of it, and he said he just wanted to keep things light and not so depressing. I was like, what, I was making those things up in my head?!? And he was like, why do you take things seriously.

It was back and forth between wanting him to leave my place and wanting him to stay. I was torn. He left without us having a resolution to what we were going to be moving forward (friends or just completely cut off ties).

So I texted him the next day. Told him I felt weird about last night. I told him it's not that I wanted to get back together, but it seemed we burned our chances of even becoming friends. Then he said, "I was nice enough to offer you friendship. I offered you friendship twice now, once was when you left and now this. And both times you threw it back to my face." I texted him saying if we could talk and he said, "I'm busy. I'm about to drive. I'll text you when I have time. Have a good Sunday." Then, I just went ballistic and asked him why was being such an , thinking he's all high and mighty.

Well, being the crazy me, I called him twice and he didn't pick up. Then, he called me back right away. WE talked. And I said, we were texting for a month, you were texting all those things every day, which were confusing. Then he said, "so I won't text you anymore." And I was like, no, I know we won't get back together, but I want things to be okay with us, where you can be my friend and I can call you or you text you. And he was like, "I told you, you can always text me."

At the end of the conversation, I asked him what was it about me that went wrong. I said I needed to hear it from him, not to get back together, but for my next one. And he said I was confrontational, I take things seriously, it was my way or the high way. "Other than that, you're good."

Deep inside, I still have feelings for him, but he was the one who didn't want this relationship, and I'm tired of making it work.

I went back on the dating site, because I just wanted to get attention, in all honesty, because I'm feeling bruised. I want to feel attractive and wanted again. I wanted the attention I was not getting from him. And then to see him on it, just broke my heart to pieces. It was a slap in the face, that he basically just didn't want to be with me. It wasn't because he didn't want to invest anymore time and energy into someone whose future was uncertain. Or maybe he just wanted to hook up with women.

I don't know how to process this. Part of me wants to text him and yell at him for using our picture (which he actually sent to me while we were in this "get back together" texting phase) and cropping me out. I mean, that was just the cruelest thing.

I need comforting!

So, you broke up, kept talking after a period of NC, but neither of you could work it to get back together, kept talking things went up and down, back and forth, but got nowhere. It was all decided best to just stay apart. Fine, no problems.

But now you are all cut up because he is on the dating thing that you went on to try to get picked up by men and feel better? Is he not allowed to do the same, try to get some flirting action going and feel better for not being with you anymore?

Yes, you have feelings for him still, and likely he does for you too, but you couldn't work it to get back together and that is probably for the best.

My advice, get over yourself a little, swipe left and move on.

It wasn't because I wanted to get back together or anything like that.

^

Since you didn't want to get back together, what was all this hoopla about?

This time, you REALLY need to go NC. Don't go on the dating site where you're going to see him, because that will rip you apart. You can't be friends with someone when you really want to be in a relationship with them, as you have seen. Insisting that he tell you why he didn't want to work things out long distance would have really put him on the spot; suffice to say that if he wanted to be with you, he would be. He wouldn't be coming out with all sorts of romantic/suggestive things via text (thereby keeping a safe distance).

Looking at this thread and your other one, you had far more desire to keep in touch than he did - but then demanded that he behave in a way which would meet your needs. Unfortunately, if you behave like this with someone who needs a lot of space to begin with, it will only drive them further away. Neither of you is right or wrong, but it's a huge incompatibility and means that however you are together, one of you will be feeling uncomfortable; he was completely honest and up-front with you when he said:

"I don't want to get back together. I don't need this. We're always arguing."

It seems that he's fine with being couply when there's no real chance of anything happening. Your needs are not unreasonable at all, it's just that you're wanting something he doesn't have to give you. There are plenty of guys around who would be only too happy to meet you halfway, without you eating your heart out at the lack of genuine contact. It's just that he's not one of them. You can't change another person.

For your own wellbeing, you need to draw a line under all this. You're broken up, and he owes you nothing. Yelling at him and getting angry with him will be completely counter-productive, and will just use up energy which would be better spent on healing and being really nice to yourself. One of the things you could think about is cultivating more close friends, so that he wouldn't be the first person you'd call when life starts getting rough for you.

^

Since you didn't want to get back together, what was all this hoopla about?

At that time, I really didn't. But since we've been texting back and forth for a month, my feelings got confused.

 

It seems that he's fine with being couply when there's no real chance of anything happening. Your needs are not unreasonable at all, it's just that you're wanting something he doesn't have to give you. There are plenty of guys around who would be only too happy to meet you halfway, without you eating your heart out at the lack of genuine contact. It's just that he's not one of them. You can't change another person.

I guess I just don't get why he had to text me every day and do all those things. I asked him that, and he said he just wanted to make sure I was ok. I mean, fine, checking up on me a day or 2 after I called him would've set the boundary. But he had to text me every day. I even kept my distance when we first started texting again, but he had to ask me, "Where are you when comes to us?" I told him I'm ok with being single, blah, blah, we can be friends, but if he finds a girl who would have a problem with it, then I would be fine with not being friends. And then he had to pull that "I'll always love you.. you were a big part of my life..." and it just put me back in May.

It sounds like he was leading you on with all the "I love you" text checkups for a month. Then he goes on to say he wasn't serious and he said something so serious as ILY over and over again?? Suuuure buddy. He's lying. He was using your feelings to reel you in for sex, due him saying very suggestive comments that you told him to go to Tinder for after the feely-feely talks (good move btw). Pretty slimy.

I would give up any idea of friendship, though. It is not realistic to go from a relationship to friendship, especially right after the breakup (yes, anything other than years apart is too soon). You can see how doing so can get messy like this. There are still feelings involved and it is best to move on completely in order to reduce all this drama from both of your lives. Both of you have a conflict of interest in being friends, so I suggest you should not invest in it.

I don't blame you for acting like you got gypped after being led on for so long. Anyone would act negatively after such treatment. However, do learn from this and know better next time when to cut off a person who isn't good for you. Keep your head held high and move on to find/make good friends.

OP, I know (firsthand) how jarring it can be to see an ex on a dating site, but, IN A WAY, you are taking this too personally.

I say "in a way" because how can you not take it personally, right? But what you have to realize is that this really isn't about you. He's probably not completely over you yet but he's no longer your boyfriend and he really doesn't owe you anything, including not cropping you out of a photo that he happens to look good in. Things didn't work out the first time and they didn't work out when you started talking again. Now, he's trying to move on with his life although it's very possible that he's just looking for a little attention like someone else we know.

I would get off the site and go strict NC. Take a few weeks or months--however long you need--for yourself. Stay off dating sites until you are ready to get on and look for more than just attention and if you do get back on block him. Better yet, just choose a different one. And accept that this is now over and it's over for a reason.

It sounds like he was leading you on with all the "I love you" text checkups for a month. Then he goes on to say he wasn't serious and he said something so serious as ILY over and over again?? Suuuure buddy. He's lying. He was using your feelings to reel you in for sex, due him saying very suggestive comments that you told him to go to Tinder for after the feely-feely talks (good move btw). Pretty slimy.

 

I would give up any idea of friendship, though. It is not realistic to go from a relationship to friendship, especially right after the breakup (yes, anything other than years apart is too soon). You can see how doing so can get messy like this. There are still feelings involved and it is best to move on completely in order to reduce all this drama from both of your lives. Both of you have a conflict of interest in being friends, so I suggest you should not invest in it.

Well, he did say, "I'm not looking for an FWB relationship with you. That would make me fall for you again. I just missed you." He didn't actually say "I love you." He just said "I'll always love you."

I honestly didn't get the feeling that he just wanted to use me for sex. I could be wrong, though. But I do think he led me on with the month-long text.

But yes, I feel like this is the jolt I need to move on with my life. I'm just really having a hard time letting go. I feel like I was doing well, and he had to mess up my recovery process with his text messages. Maybe he just wanted to see how far I would chase after him.

I'm not going to text him. I just feel really used and led on.

I guess I just don't get why he had to text me every day and do all those things.

It felt safe. While you were keeping your distance, he didn't have to worry about you expecting anything from him. Then, the moment you did...

If you look back, chances are you'll see that the one thing which remained constant was the degree of distance between you. If you were backing off, he was fine to text you every day. But when you were in a relationship where you'd have wanted this, he would cut down the amount of contact. You might find this interesting; it's about attachment styles

Do you think there is a slight chance he still has feelings though? I'm not trying to cling on to hope, but I feel really stupid right now. Here I am, forced to go on a website to try and get over him because he didn't want to get back together, feeling so sad and miserable, and he's already out there trying to get into his next relationship. I feel like there's still something there, but I might be the only one thinking that.

I'm also so scared about him finding someone before I do. I wouldn't necessarily know that, as we don't have common friends, but I am scared.

I don't understand why, when he asked you if you wanted to get back together, you said "no" when you clearly do (or did).

Why lie about that? Why not be honest?

I mean, it's clear you DO want to get back together. Were you afraid he'd reject you if you said yes, you do want to get back together?

I don't understand why, when he asked you if you wanted to get back together, you said "no" when you clearly do (or did).

 

Why lie about that? Why not be honest?

 

I mean, it's clear you DO want to get back together. Were you afraid he'd reject you if you said yes, you do want to get back together?

He didn't really ask me if I wanted to get back together. He asked me what I wanted. I guess I was always upfront in that I wanted to make it work. He was the one who didn't want to.

Every time we fought, he would just basically let it go and not even fight for it. It was always me who wanted to work it out.

So finally, I said I didn't because I didn't think it would make a difference. And I wanted to preserve any dignity I had left.

Well, he did say, "I'm not looking for an FWB relationship with you. That would make me fall for you again. I just missed you." He didn't actually say "I love you." He just said "I'll always love you."

 

I honestly didn't get the feeling that he just wanted to use me for sex. I could be wrong, though. But I do think he led me on with the month-long text.

 

But yes, I feel like this is the jolt I need to move on with my life. I'm just really having a hard time letting go. I feel like I was doing well, and he had to mess up my recovery process with his text messages. Maybe he just wanted to see how far I would chase after him.

 

I'm not going to text him. I just feel really used and led on.

Just because he said that doesn't mean he means it. You don't get suggestive with just friends. No one thinks they would be used for sex until they let their guard down and it happens after overstepping friendship boundaries. "I'll always love you" is just an extended I love you...it's still leading you on. In a way, it's worse than in the moment ILY's. It keeps you hanging for much longer, like you feel right now.

He probably still has feelings for you, but you really need to listen to him here. Just because he does, doesn't mean he wants a relationship with you anymore. He wants someone new that fits the mold he desires in a partner. He was very clear about this.

I know it is hard, but although we still love a person doesn't mean a relationship will work out. You need to accept a relationship with you isn't what he wants, or you'll be hurting for much longer only to realize all of your efforts on him in any capacity were wasted. I'm sorry.

From what I gather he was lying dormant until you broke NC. Pick up the phone and call family or a friend, or a coworker/fellow student to vent to when you encounter hard times. He is no longer your go-to. Stay NC. You are not being forced to go on websites to get over him. Healing yourself inwardly and building confidence from the inside out will serve you much better in the long run than quick and temporary fixes on dating sites.

From what I gather he was lying dormant until you broke NC. Pick up the phone and call family or a friend, or a coworker/fellow student to vent to when you encounter hard times. He is no longer your go-to. Stay NC. You are not being forced to go on websites to get over him. Healing yourself inwardly and building confidence from the inside out will serve you much better in the long run than quick and temporary fixes on dating sites.

Not sure what you mean by laying dormant?

It's so hard!! Especially because I really thought we would get back together after the month-long texting. I really felt like we were heading that way, and it wasn't until we started arguing last Saturday that things started going downhill. And that was only 3 days ago! So we were going from texting each other every day to silence again.

I probably won't be contacting him any time soon even though he did say I could text him anytime - but only as a friend. But I won't.

I mean, do you think he's really moving on, or is he just passing time and looking for a distraction like I am.

I know you don't want to hear this, but I think he is moving on. He may have missed you and was entertaining thoughts of getting back together at some point remembering the good times, who knows, but I think that when you finally saw one another and fell into the same pattern of fighting, he realized why it was over and had no desire to go back to it. It doesn't mean he didn't love you, or doesn't have any feelings for you. It just means he realized it wouldn't work. Just like you did before he started texting in the first place.

You can't look back and have a do-over, but if it were me I'd look at what I can take forward into the next relationship (and yes you will have another relationship, I promise). In this case, he said he saw you as confrontational. This was exacerbated by your meet-up after texting when you started an argument rather than telling him the truth about how you feel. It was his deal breaker. It's something to consider moving forward, how to be okay with being vulnerable and expressing how you really feel. At least you can feel complete no matter how the chips fall.

So you couldn't just not argue? You sound kind of difficult tbh.

So you couldn't just not argue? You sound kind of difficult tbh.

I mean, this is the first time he brought up the fact that I was confrontational. I mean, we did argue quite a bit, but for the most part, it was a good relationship. he even said, during our one-month text that we had such a great time, and that we would just stay at home and do nothing and still had fun - "the best kind of relationship" from his own words.

at first it was my moving. and then the incompatibility in personalities. i can be a little high strung, i admit, but he's not without flaws either, which i tried my best to be cool with.

i love this man so much it hurts. he was the first person i lived with, and i'm really having a hard time with this. i keep thinking if i just stopped asking him questions, if i hadn't brought it up, the outcome would've been different. i'm a mess.

It might have been different, yes. But eventually it would have come to this because you have things to resolve in yourself. So does he, no doubt, and that resolve wouldn't have happened in this cycle at this time with this guy.

I've been there, and I do feel for ya girl. I know it hurts right now, but it really is part of the journey to understanding who you are and how to be what you want in your future relationships. Hang in there, it will get better.

Do you think there is a slight chance he still has feelings though? I'm not trying to cling on to hope, but I feel really stupid right now. Here I am, forced to go on a website to try and get over him because he didn't want to get back together, feeling so sad and miserable, and he's already out there trying to get into his next relationship. I feel like there's still something there, but I might be the only one thinking that.

 

I'm also so scared about him finding someone before I do. I wouldn't necessarily know that, as we don't have common friends, but I am scared.

Oh, he likely does, but there is no way to say for sure. Maybe he's completely over you and is looking for his next girlfriend but maybe he just wanted a little attention as well.

Look, if you want him back why not ask for him back? I know I said you should go strict NC and I stand by that advice but first in your particular case I think you should swallow your pride and simply tell him how you feel; that you want to give the relationship another chance and ask him to consider it. Don't play games or beat around the bush, just go for broke and tell him how you feel.

If that doesn't work or you choose not to do that, then it is time to move on. Don't worry about who finds another relationship cute--it's not a contest. He's now on his path and you are on your's. Go your own way and be happy. Let him find what may well be a rebound that will fall apart in no time while you make your life as good as possible and find something real when you are good and ready.

Oh, he likely does, but there is no way to say for sure. Maybe he's completely over you and is looking for his next girlfriend but maybe he just wanted a little attention as well.

 

Look, if you want him back why not ask for him back? I know I said you should go strict NC and I stand by that advice but first in your particular case I think you should swallow your pride and simply tell him how you feel; that you want to give the relationship another chance and ask him to consider it. Don't play games or beat around the bush, just go for broke and tell him how you feel.

 

If that doesn't work or you choose not to do that, then it is time to move on. Don't worry about who finds another relationship cute--it's not a contest. He's now on his path and you are on your's. Go your own way and be happy. Let him find what may well be a rebound that will fall apart in no time while you make your life as good as possible and find something real when you are good and ready.

I had the most pressing urge to email him and go for broke, like you said.

Is it a good idea? I feel like I wasn't being truthful when we met up and I ed it all up.

Stop me...or tell me to go ahead.

I think you should, but it kind of depends. I mean, if he flat out dumped you then no. Then it's best to just move on and go ni contact and let him reach out if he ever decides he made a mistake. However if it was more of a mutual thing and it seemed as if you were maybe on track to get back together but you just wouldn't flat out state your truth that it was what you wanted then yes, I think you will likely regret it if you don't take one last stab at getting him back.

^

Since you didn't want to get back together, what was all this hoopla about?

Exactly... if you don't want to get back together why do you care if he's on a dating site? I know it hurts, but it's non of his business if he is in one. And you were there too after all.