I feel like i'm being put on the back-burner

I've been seeing this guy for a few months now. (Known eachother for 2 years) We agreed to date and take things slow before we get into a relationship. I also recently cut off the sex a few weeks ago because I decided to wait until i'm in a relationship. He respected that and said he still wanted to date to work towards one.

But I feel like he hasn't been making any effort to see me or hang out lately. He texts me all the time but never makes any plans. He blames it on his crazy work schedule but I find that's just an excuse. I feel like he's all talk and no action, promising me over text of all the things/places we'll go but never happens. And when we do try to make plans he always says "not sure yet" "maybe" "i'll keep you posted". I've noticed he's never straight up said yes to any plans we make. It's always a last minute yes on his end.

Yesterday he disapointed me yet again. In the morning we talked about meeting up later in the evening. Around 4:00, I texted him asking if we're still on. He said yes but that he's meeting his brother for 6:00. (which he did not tell me earlier.. surprise, surprise) So I told him that I was hoping to spend to spend more time together and not feel rushed. He then said we should hang out after he sees his brother and will "keep me posted". I said "sounds good!

Few hours later, it's now around 11:30PM! After not hearing from him for hours, he texts me "hi".. just that. Not even acknowledging the fact that he didn't "keep me posted" and just had me wait for hours when he could have just sent me a quick text saying that he'll be late or that he can't make it tonight. At that point it's way past my bedtime so I didn't even respond to his message and just went to sleep.

I had even told him earlier that I can't hang out too late because I had work early in the morning.

So yet again I'm disapointed. This morning I still decided not to respond to his "hi" message and just leave it. I'm sure he will text me again later today but I don't know if I should just continue to ignore him or express my disappointment with him.

I feel like i'm putting more effort in this than he is and barely gives me the time of day. And even if we weren't dating and just friends, cause we've known eachother for 2 years. I feel like this is a crappy friendship and maybe I should just cut him off completely.

I'm at a loss of what to do..

Sorry for long post.

I think you're correct to turn this one loose.

I couldn't agree more, he's 'all talk, no action'.

Sounds like he's not prepared to step up to the plate unless you're in a sexual relationship, but is stringing you along either because he's looking for someone else or in the hope that you'll change your mind.

Basically, you were FWB and now that's stopped he's not sufficiently interested in you to have a relationship. I'd let this one go.

I can understand a guy pulling back some if you were having sex then stopped because you felt you weren't ready. That is smart of you to realize but as a guy that would also be very hard. I can understand both sides there.

I was also a little confused with your post. It sounds like you say you aren't even in a relationship with this guy. You said you were waiting on sex again until you had a relationship with him. So not totally sure and your status.

Although it does sound more like your relationship issues are just based on him being inconsiderate. That "all talk" part of him isn't going to change.

You've know each other for 2 years. You've been dating 2 months already. How much slower can you go in terms of getting to know someone? It's not like you two are total strangers who just met 2 months ago. Also, you were having sex with him and now knee jerked and cut off intimacy. Unless he has always treated you like an option, I'd say he is correct to no longer treat you as a priority. You are coming across like a girl who doesn't know what she wants and most men will not respect you for sleeping with them and then suddenly going "oh no that was wrong." I mean that's pretty insulting if you put yourself in the guy's shoes.

I'd just stop making any effort to see him and possible end this. I'm not saying he is a bad person or anything for that matter or doing it on purpose, but it seems clear that he likes having you around more like a chat buddy or someone who's there but he doesn't have much interest in dating and walking towards a relationship. I know this might sound cliché but if someone wants to be with you they'll find time to be with you.

I've also experienced plenty of guys talking to me online or through text everyday but then not being able to get time to be with me for weeks and I've decided that waiting around is not worth it. They won't make you a priority if you show them that you're always there for them despite the fact that they don't do anything to be with you. No one has such an hectic schedule that they can't have time for a date even if short or that they can't make concrete plans. Think about yourself when you're interested in someone... don't you make an effort to find time? This is not a good sign. He knows you're on the back burner just in case and won't probably tell you openly that he's not into this because he's comfortable just the way it is.

You've know each other for 2 years. You've been dating 2 months already. How much slower can you go in terms of getting to know someone? It's not like you two are total strangers who just met 2 months ago. Also, you were having sex with him and now knee jerked and cut off intimacy. Unless he has always treated you like an option, I'd say he is correct to no longer treat you as a priority. You are coming across like a girl who doesn't know what she wants and most men will not respect you for sleeping with them and then suddenly going "oh no that was wrong." I mean that's pretty insulting if you put yourself in the guy's shoes.

But DancingFool also seems to have a point here.

Forgot to add, that he has always been like this. Even when we were sexual, he wouldn't make effort to hang out/see me.

Why did you take sex off the table? It's one thing to hold off and a complete other to mess around with dynamics. I mean I've waited 4 months before precisely because she was a "relationship only" kind of gal. Didn't mind a bit. Can't say I'd be a fan of effectively being cut off. I'd understand and not press, but wpild likely move on.

Regardless of which came first, he's flaky AF now. I'd wish him the best and explore better options. And, while I don't default to it every time a guy says it, t does sound like "take it slow" was pseudonym for "I don't intend to commit." Under what context did you "know" him for 2 years?

Forgot to add, that he has always been like this. Even when we were sexual, he wouldn't make effort to hang out/do things other than sex.

So do you really want to make the effort to have a relationship with him? Do you think it's worth it? A relationship is a two way street. Effort can't be mostly one sided.

Why did you take sex off the table? It's one thing to hold off and a complete other to mess around with dynamics. I mean I've waited 4 months before precisely because she was a "relationship only" kind of gal. Didn't mind a bit. Can't say I'd be a fan of effectively being cut off. I'd understand and not press, but wpild likely move on.

 

Regardless of which came first, he's flaky AF now. I'd wish him the best and explore better options.

I decided to take sex off the table because at first I was cool with having casual sex since I had just gotten out of a long relationship at the time. But after a while I was not longer satisfied with casual sex either it being with him or someone else. I just no longer felt fulfilled. So now I decided to cut sex out until I'm in a relationship. Or if the guy is invested/making effort.

So do you really want to make the effort to have a relationship with him? Do you think it's worth it? A relationship is a two way street. Effort can't be mostly one sided.

You're right, and I only gave it a chance because he said he wanted to continue to date to work towards one. But since he's still not putting effort. I no longer feel it's worth it anymore..

Forgot to add, that he has always been like this. Even when we were sexual, he wouldn't make effort to hang out/see me.

Then that is a personal issue with him that won't change. I really don't fault a guy for pulling back when sex was on the table then taken off. I really understand that.

If he has always been this way he will most likely always be that way. He sounds really flakey and I would just go your seperate ways if it is a big issue, and it would be for me.

Once sex has been introduced in a relationship it is very very hard for it to last when you say you aren't ready anymore.

There is nothing wrong with that choice, but just recognize it is frequently a relationship killer.

Forgot to add, that he has always been like this. Even when we were sexual, he wouldn't make effort to hang out/see me.

Well then, I don't know why you'd think so little of yourself to continue dating someone who doesn't make any effort. Isn't the point of dating to cut off people who don't meet your needs and to continue to date the one that does?

And you shouldn't remain friends, since he's now your ex. A potential new bf won't accept you being buddies with someone who you were intimate with. Even if this hadn't happened, don't you choose friends who make an equal effort in getting together? Perhaps you need to work on your self esteem. Otherwise, you will keep a pattern of choosing men who you think you deserve, and with a low self esteem, they will always be subpar. Take care.

You're right, and I only gave it a chance because he said he wanted to continue to date to work towards one. But since he's still not putting effort. I no longer feel it's worth it anymore..

He SAID, but he didn't DO it nor showed it with actual ACTIONS. You have all the information you need to decide.

I think I got caught up in his words and promises. Having some hope but I realize now that theyre just empty promises to string me along. At firt I was okay with casual sex, I was having fun. But now i feel like my mindset has changed and I want to meet someone who I can see myself long-term with.

I'm still young though, only 22 years old so I don't want to necessarily settle down and marry just yet but i want to work towards a long term monogamous relationship with someone.

I decided to take sex off the table because at first I was cool with having casual sex since I had just gotten out of a long relationship at the time. But after a while I was not longer satisfied with casual sex either it being with him or someone else. I just no longer felt fulfilled. So now I decided to cut sex out until I'm in a relationship. Or if the guy is invested/making effort.

Sounds to me like he was your rebound guy, but now the deal has run its course or rather served its purpose and you are ready to move on to greener pastures. Since he has always been a flake, you aren't losing anything here in terms of some amazing relationship potential or even some great friend. Quite the opposite really. I'd just drift away and seek better dating/relationship prospects elsewhere. It doesn't sound like he is actively pursuing anything with you either. This goose is cooked.

So does everyone think I should ignore him if he texts me again today?

I think I got caught up in his words and promises. Having some hope but I realize now that theyre just empty promises to string me along. At firt I was okay with casual sex, I was having fun. But now i feel like my mindset has changed and I want to meet someone who I can see myself long-term with.

 

I'm still young though, only 22 years old so I don't want to necessarily settle down and marry just yet but i want to work towards a long term monogamous relationship with someone.

Sounds like it is time to move on.

Be extra sure that your are ready for sex before you introduce into your relationship. Will also help you filter out a lot of guys who aren't looking for a LTR.

Just drift out, no regrets or bad feelings, as this was an FWB that ran its course.

I don't think it's necessary to ignore him. He doesn't deserve punishment. Just be straight up - I've enjoyed our time together , but I don't think we are suited for a serious relationship. Or however you'd like to say it. No big deal and no need to make it one. Then drift out.

So does everyone think I should ignore him if he texts me again today?

I wouldn't necessarily ignore him...I mean it depends really. If he texts another "hi" and nothing else, yeah I'd ignore him. If he asks to meet up, I'd just let him know politely that this thing whatever you had going isn't working for you and it's best you two just part ways and not waste each others time and be done. Since you've known him for so long, ghosting now would be kind of weird. Part ways with civility.

From reading these boards, having five brothers and speaking with men in my weekly meet-up group, when a woman either isn't 'ready' for sex, or has sex and then takes it away, this is how they (the men) interpret that.

*She isn't attracted to me. Or does not enjoy having sex with me. Both of which are pretty deflating.

And when a man doesn't feel a woman is attracted to him, HE will lose interest.

Just like a woman would lose interest if SHE felt a man wasn't attracted to her.

So while he initially may have understood why you decided to with-hold sex until you were in a relationship, he was also slowly losing interest because of it.

NOT because he was just looking for sex, but again because he interprets it as your not being attracted enough. He doesn't 'rock your world."

Just to know, I am not faulting you for feeling as you do, although if your goal was a relationship and you don't feel comfortable having sex until that happens, it probably would have been better not to start having sex in the first place.

Rather than have it, and then take it away. How would YOU feel if he had done that to you? Because men sometimes with-hold sex too. And the woman feels like crap.

I cannot even imagine how horrible it must feel to start having sex with your partner and then have him/her stop wanting it for whatever reason.

Speaking personally, when I am super attracted to a man, there is no way on god's green earth I am going to start with-holding sex from him until we're in a "relationship. Or for any other reason. Not gonna happen.

Relationships take time to develop, weeks, sometimes months. And having sex is an important aspect of determining whether or not someone is right for us, in my opinion.

I recently experienced this. Was dating a guy I thought was great, started having sex which was also great.

But a few dates later, I discovered he's into some serious BDSM, which was too much for me and stopped seeing him.

Had I waited until I was in a "relationship" with him weeks or months later, when I was more emotionally attached, it would have been much harder to walk away. I prefer to discover these things earlier rather than later.

Anyway, just my perspective, of course you need to do what is comfortable for you.

Thank you, I'll just ignore his "hi" text, but if he texts me again later today i'll let him know politely that this isn't working anymore.

I decided to take sex off the table because at first I was cool with having casual sex since I had just gotten out of a long relationship at the time. But after a while I was not longer satisfied with casual sex either it being with him or someone else. I just no longer felt fulfilled. So now I decided to cut sex out until I'm in a relationship. Or if the guy is invested/making effort.

I think it was probably the wrong person to do this to ..as in someone you are seeing ...if you had met him and never had sex until you got in a serious relationship then fair enough , but you had sex then made this decision ....It feels kind of like a pressure to enable the fruits to ripen when in actual fact they had already fallen off the tree .

Having said that , this does show that his interest level has definitely dropped a few levels and you might be as well to let this one go .