My boyfriend won't defend me

We have been together for 6 years. Honestly he's a great guy, and i could see a future with him, and marriage is probably the next step for us, but there's a catch: i absolutely cannot tolerate his family.

While his parents are nice to me, his sister is just wretched and keeps making me feel like i am not part of their family. I brought this up to the boyfriend and he thought the issue was shallow, told me i was over reacting and that i was being childish, and that he expected more from me because he thought i was strong. I begged him to be on my side and he just tells me "I am on your side. By correcting you." Like ? I didnt even do anything! Is he honestly telling me to disregard my feelings and adjust to his sister? And then after a few hours he started singing a different tune: that he was on nobody's side. Jesus. This made me feel worse, and more alone.

I dont expect to be liked by his family. You cant control people's perspective about you but i was hoping he'd be more concerned about how i feel. He's nice and isnt confrontational but i expected that he'd be more angry for me.

Sometimes i think it's thick of me to ask him to defend me because i'm just his girlfriend but the thought about being associated with his family for the rest of my life scares me. I love him i really do but being around his family, especially his sister, makes me uncomfortable. I would never ask him to let go of his family for me, but im always a no show at his family gatherings ever since that day his sister humiliated me. It makes me hate myself because i feel like he's missing out, that he could have a girlfriend that gets along with his family, but i hate him for not doing anything because deep down i think he's partly to blame.

What do i do? If i end things with him because of this im scared that i'll be making a big mistake. Would you consider this situation a deal breaker in a relationship? Please please help me.

What exactly is his sister saying or doing to you to humiliate you?

Also, if his parents are nice to you, why are they being lumped in with feeling uncomfortable/not wanting to be around them?

I wouldn't tolerate a SO that told me they were in my side "by correcting" me. That would really piss me off. It does sound like he is dismissing your opinion. If your bf won't support you it isn't anyone's fault but your bf's.

Now I also have no idea what the issues you are having with his family. Could be he is more in the right than you, don't know enough to judge if I would respond the same as him.

Not sure what the sister did.

But I'd ignore her. Just be responsive to the parents. SOMETIMES when you ignore people...they get louder and louder....not saying not to defend yourself...just don't let them see they bug you. Concentrate on the parents.

Based on these facts:

1. You hate his sister, and she's not going anywhere anytime soon.

2. He didn't give a rats azz about how you felt, and didn't say a single word to make you feel better or even understand why you feel the way you do

3. Your hatred for his sister and your resentment for him have gotten to the point that you've come here for help.

Yes, this would be a deal breaker for me. When you marry someone, you're marrying the whole family FOREVER. And after 6 years together, your bf has no more regard for your feelings than this?? Married or not, 6 years is a long time. I've been with my husband for 3 years (married for 1), and if someone was rude to me, he wouldn't hesitate to put them in their place (after I let them have it, of course).

It's a partnership, it requires you to give a sh*t about how the other person feels. Clearly, he does not. So I'd leave.

I think it's a deal breaker too.

This might be a bit of a different perspective, but I'd absolutely dump an SO who can't get along with my family or goes so far as to hate them. A case of blood is thicker than water. It's on the SO to find a way to get along as far as I'm concerned. Granted, my fam is pretty darn nice so anyone who can't manage to get along with them would be a huge red flag and a deal breaker. This same applies to myself as well. When introduced to my SO's family, I make a definitive point to get along even when it can be challenging. At the very least managing civility no matter what.

This might be a bit of a different perspective, but I'd absolutely dump an SO who can't get along with my family or goes so far as to hate them. A case of blood is thicker than water. It's on the SO to find a way to get along as far as I'm concerned. Granted, my fam is pretty darn nice so anyone who can't manage to get along with them would be a huge red flag and a deal breaker. This same applies to myself as well. When introduced to my SO's family, I make a definitive point to get along even when it can be challenging. At the very least managing civility no matter what.

Additionally, my fiancee's a big girl and can handle herself. I wouldn't have continued to date her if she couldn't a) simply shrug off some general cattiness or passive aggressiveness (again, not something that happens around our homes... certainly not regularly) and b) assert herself and the general courtesy she's entitled on her own behalf should someone get exceptionally unruly.

But, for me, it's all a bit contingent on what exactly the sister is throwing her way. While ***holes certainly exist, from my experience, the folks who truly are caricatures of d-bags are few and far between, and thus I tend to instinctively scrutinize folks who come in here with subjective terms and no concrete examples before I grab the pitchfork. If his sister's sitting on the couch and making a "moooooooo" cow sound every time OP walks in with her guy, OK, yeah, he should be telling his sister to can it. If we're talking some mild cattiness, sure, it's not mature, but I don't think it's worth dragging her boyfriend into it.

What exactly is his sister saying or doing to you to humiliate you?

I posted something on FB once and she thought it was about her brother (it wasnt) and she posted some smack in the comments. It was petty but it was still humiliating because a lot of people saw. She hasnt apologized for it yet. And now she constantly passively aggressively makes it a point that im not part of the family. I would brush it off but i cant help it if it hurts.

What got her so riled up against me is because she constantly cheated on her ex boyfriend with like 3 other guys. The ex was a close friend of mine. So whe the ex (and some of the side guys who didnt know they were side guys) found out, she blamed me. I didnt though. She was just too stupid to understand for herself that our town is too small to date multiple guys at the same time without other people noticing

This might be a bit of a different perspective, but I'd absolutely dump an SO who can't get along with my family or goes so far as to hate them. A case of blood is thicker than water. It's on the SO to find a way to get along as far as I'm concerned. Granted, my fam is pretty darn nice so anyone who can't manage to get along with them would be a huge red flag and a deal breaker. This same applies to myself as well. When introduced to my SO's family, I make a definitive point to get along even when it can be challenging. At the very least managing civility no matter what.

Yeah i can get that. But in my defense, i only dont see eye to eye with the sister. His sister is definitely a terrible person. She has issues with her cousin's girlfriends for no reason at all. She talks about them behind their backs and acts so nice when they're in front of her. What got her so pissed at me is because she constantly cheated on her ex boyfriend who happened to be my friend, and she thought i was the one who told him. I didnt but now i wish i did had i known that inaction on my part would still lead to this.

I'm much more inclined towards this. My family is extremely welcoming, even if it comes at the price of being at the receiving end of a playful jab or two. Still, I'm sure there are plenty of folks, in-law or blood related, who simply don't like each other. Which is fine. You can not like someone, but civility is key. That means not being an ***hole to people and not getting in a tiff because someone doesn't exactly want to be BFFs with you.

 

Additionally, my fiancee's a big girl and can handle herself. I wouldn't have continued to date her if she couldn't a) simply shrug off some general cattiness or passive aggressiveness (again, not something that happens around our homes... certainly not regularly) and b) assert herself and the general courtesy she's entitled on her own behalf should someone get exceptionally unruly.

 

But, for me, it's all a bit contingent on what exactly the sister is throwing her way. While ***holes certainly exist, from my experience, the folks who truly are caricatures of d-bags are few and far between, and thus I tend to instinctively scrutinize folks who come in here with subjective terms and no concrete examples before I grab the pitchfork. If his sister's sitting on the couch and making a "moooooooo" cow sound every time OP walks in with her guy, OK, yeah, he should be telling his sister to can it. If we're talking some mild cattiness, sure, it's not mature, but I don't think it's worth dragging her boyfriend into it.

Hi! Thanks. I appreciate a different outtake on this.

Normally im a very direct person, to a fault. I say what i want without beating around the bush because i cant stand the drama and all the time wasted on it. But with his family, its an exception. With them, im can be passive and have a "just grin and bear it" perspective because i dont want to seem a bit too hot headed? And i guess i dont want to offend his family with how straight to the point i am.

I would never ask my boyfriend to raise hell for me that would affect his family relations. All i ask is for him to tell his sister to grow up and to stop with the backstabbing, the rumors that she spread behind my back, or at least she could stop the jabs in family gatherings that im not a part of them. Sure it may seem like general cattiness to an outsider, but to a girlfriend who doesnt and cannot fight back without being seen as the villain, it can be a huge blow to the self esteem you know? And the SO not even acknowledging these feelings doesnt help at all.

I really do want to establish a better relationship with his family. But it can be hard with a sister who painted you in a bad way to the rest of the family and a boyfriend who is unwilling to help me let them see me in a different way by telling his sister to stop. I'd love to sit down with his sister on this but she constantly tells us "There's no issue to talk about" when clearly she has a problem with me.

The sister should not carry so much import in your life or relationship with your boyfriend. Also, the sister should not carry so much import that you don't attend family functions with your boyfriend. Just ignore if the sister gets on your nerves. Don't give her so much power. Build a relationship with his parents. They are the ones that really matter here. :strawberry: chi

Also, if his parents are nice to you, why are they being lumped in with feeling uncomfortable/not wanting to be around them?

I wouldnt say that i wouldnt want to be around the parents specifically. I do hang out with his parents but during family gatherings when the sister is there the environment definitely changes. Its like this elephant in the room. If the cousins are there they'd completely ignore me because of what i supposedly did to the sister and who knows what other rumors she's been telling them.

I wouldn't tolerate a SO that told me they were in my side "by correcting" me. That would really piss me off. It does sound like he is dismissing your opinion. If your bf won't support you it isn't anyone's fault but your bf's.

 

Now I also have no idea what the issues you are having with his family. Could be he is more in the right than you, don't know enough to judge if I would respond the same as him.

Yeah. That comment of his really hurt me the most. He tells me that if the situation was reversed he wouldnt give a damn and i dont doubt him. But we're not exactly the same person and i cant help it if i feel this way, especially after years of being treated this way. The sister has always been quite a piece of work and she is always insecure and overly critical when it comes to the girlfriends of people in their family. I can take that. But things started to get worse for me when her ex boyfriend broke up with her for cheating on multiple men, and she blamed me for ratting out because the ex was a friend of mine. After that she was particularly nasty to me. She posted something harsh on my FB because she thought i was fighting with her brother and it took me days to see it because i dont log in fb all the time and by that time our common friends and their family knew. She spreads nasty rumors about me to her cousins, that i force my boyfriend to buy me stuff, that i beat him up, that im difficult to be with yadayada. She keeps pointing out that i am not a part of the family. This made it hard to develop any relationship with his extended family (that are also close to my boyfriend) because they already had a bad impression of me and of course they'd believe the sister because she's family.

It just frustrates me that this is clearly offensive on my part. Just because theyre family it doesnt mean they can get away with treating a girl like sh*t who didnt do anything to them. I dont want my boyfriend to move mountains for me. I just want him to tell his sister to back off. Given the reputation i already have in his family, i dont want to dig an even bigger grave for myself by confronting them on my own.

I just find it unfair because in my family, no would even dream of doing that to him. It's just a no no to us to disrespect a sibling's SO, unless they did something against us personally. And your business is your business. and if they did i wouldnt hesitate to stand up for my boyfriend.

Based on these facts:

 

1. You hate his sister, and she's not going anywhere anytime soon.

 

2. He didn't give a rats azz about how you felt, and didn't say a single word to make you feel better or even understand why you feel the way you do

 

3. Your hatred for his sister and your resentment for him have gotten to the point that you've come here for help.

 

Yes, this would be a deal breaker for me. When you marry someone, you're marrying the whole family FOREVER. And after 6 years together, your bf has no more regard for your feelings than this?? Married or not, 6 years is a long time. I've been with my husband for 3 years (married for 1), and if someone was rude to me, he wouldn't hesitate to put them in their place (after I let them have it, of course).

 

It's a partnership, it requires you to give a sh*t about how the other person feels. Clearly, he does not. So I'd leave.

Hi! Thank you for this.

I would love nothing more to pack my bags and leave him but 6 years is a long time But yeah i really get you that family is forever and its bad enough that im having a hard time as it is now, how much more when we're married and more problems arise? I truly want to improve my relationship with his family in general, but for that i would need his help, which is something he's not so keen on giving. Im really torn as to what my next step would be. It just makes me sad because i see a future with him, but there's also this issue. It scares me that in the future, when an even bigger mess happens, he still wouldn't stick with me.

I posted something on FB once and she thought it was about her brother (it wasnt) and she posted some smack in the comments. It was petty but it was still humiliating because a lot of people saw. She hasnt apologized for it yet. And now she constantly passively aggressively makes it a point that im not part of the family. I would brush it off but i cant help it if it hurts.

 

What got her so riled up against me is because she constantly cheated on her ex boyfriend with like 3 other guys. The ex was a close friend of mine. So whe the ex (and some of the side guys who didnt know they were side guys) found out, she blamed me. I didnt though. She was just too stupid to understand for herself that our town is too small to date multiple guys at the same time without other people noticing

And the truth comes out. You don't like the sister because of what you did to a friend of yours. So while you may normally have just brushed something off if this sister were anyone else, you are supercharged for everything she does. You can't control other people --- but you can control yourself. Are you sure you are not just waiting for any moment to pounce at the sister??

Secondly,, no you are NOT family to her at this point. its kind of rude for her to point that out but it is the truth. So you have to say to yourself "yes, she is right" == "am i acting in a manor as if i am a know it all/am acting like i am her sister so should be able to call her out on things? " Or better yet, just ignore it. Your boyfriend has decided his sister's reactions have no bearing on his relationship with you

And the truth comes out. You don't like the sister because of what you did to a friend of yours. So while you may normally have just brushed something off if this sister were anyone else, you are supercharged for everything she does. You can't control other people --- but you can control yourself. Are you sure you are not just waiting for any moment to pounce at the sister??

 

Secondly,, no you are NOT family to her at this point. its kind of rude for her to point that out but it is the truth. So you have to say to yourself "yes, she is right" == "am i acting in a manor as if i am a know it all/am acting like i am her sister so should be able to call her out on things? " Or better yet, just ignore it. Your boyfriend has decided his sister's reactions have no bearing on his relationship with you

Hi. I think you're misunderstanding the last paragraph. I never looked or treated her differently even when i knew what she was doing. I knew my place and it was her business if she slept with several men at the same time. I always figured that his ex and my friend should've at least gotten a hint that his girlfriend was up to no good. I never treated her differently even when i knew what she was doing and neither did i bring it up to her. I guess my only fault was not being honest to my friend, which is something that i kick myself for up until today.

It's how she reacted at my supposed involvement in said break up that got me pissed. And as much as i would love to "pounce" on her, i cant. Talking to her myself will probably like talking to a brick wall. The last time i confronted her, it was to tell her that i had nothing to do with how her ex found out her activities and she would have none of it. It was nerve wracking. Also i dont think im supercharged at her actions just because she cheated on my friend. Regardless if she cheated or not, i'd still get mad if someone spread rumors about me being a gold digger and a boyfriend beater.

Also when she said that i wasnt a part of their family, she didnt fail to include the boyfriend of 1 year of their other sister in their family so...

6 years is a very long time, but a lifetime is a whole lot longer.

Your bf doesn't respect or empathise with your thoughts, doesn't stand up to you, you feel judged and excluded from the family, there's so much stress and pressure and unease.

AND your bf still hasn't proposed either?

It's time to break up.

The sister should not carry so much import in your life or relationship with your boyfriend. Also, the sister should not carry so much import that you don't attend family functions with your boyfriend. Just ignore if the sister gets on your nerves. Don't give her so much power. Build a relationship with his parents. They are the ones that really matter here. :strawberry: chi

Thank you ❤️ I will keep this in mind

I've been trying really really hard to ignore what she's doing. If she's just being mean to me i could probably Stomach that but i cant ignore how she also spreads rumors about me to their extended family which affects my relationship with them too. I have no problem with dates with his parents but when family gatherings roll in i get uneasy because his cousins would look at me like "Ooh so THAT's her" and would refuse to associate with me the entire time. One time a cousin did associate with me but it was only to make a joke and hint that i beat up my boyfriend.

I love his parents. I dont know what i look like to them now. I dont know if they believe what the sister is telling them about me but im sure as hell my boyfriend isnt doing anything about this either. And it hurts.

Your bf dismisses ur feelings tho...Not sure why that's not more of an issue? I wouldn't want to waste more time with someone who doesn't have my back. I'd be gone. 7 years wasted is 7 years u can't get back.

6 years is a very long time, but a lifetime is a whole lot longer.

Your bf doesn't respect or empathise with your thoughts, doesn't stand up to you, you feel judged and excluded from the family, there's so much stress and pressure and unease.

AND your bf still hasn't proposed either?

 

It's time to break up.

Oh but we're kind of still young. He's turning 25 this year and im 24. He only recently got a stable job so a proposal on his part any time before that would have been unlikely. Also im still in med school. I'd be too embarassed to get married and not bring anything to the table. But that's just me.

But yes, i agree with everything else you said. I cant wrap my head around how he thinks this is ok. That this is healthy. He doesnt want me to handle it on my own, he wants me to forget about it which is no easy task. I find that to be laziness on his part. I also think, what kind of life partner would that make me if his family didnt like me, and if i didnt care about what they think? Because i do care. Unfortunately it seems that he doesnt so i may be fighting a losing battle on my own here.

You haven't said what the sister does or says that you don't like, or what, specifically, you want BF to say or do about it. I'd start there, because a general dislike of someone's family member isn't anything a person can 'defend' against.

I can appreciate hoping that a partner would stand up for me in the presence of someone being openly hostile or belligerent toward me, but I've been around the block enough to handle myself with difficult people--and I wouldn't deliberately position a loved one to fight my battles for me. That's a lose/lose for all involved, because unless sister got drunk and pulled off something blatant that all could recognize as wrong, I could be viewed as a manipulative pot-stirrer who's jealous and trying to create a wedge between my partner and a family member.

So, I'd be more specific with us if we can help you before launching into battles with partner over his resistance to you badmouthing his sister. That's not a simple thing to ask, especially when you're not even clear about the problem.

Your bf dismisses ur feelings tho...Not sure why that's not more of an issue? I wouldn't want to waste more time with someone who doesn't have my back. I'd be gone. 7 years wasted is 7 years u can't get back.

Exactly. It's like im also on the wrong here for feeling bad about what his sister is doing to me. He just doesnt get it. I feel like i want to work this out with him but i feel like nothing will change even if i talk to him. I just dont know anymore.

You haven't said what the sister does or says that you don't like, or what, specifically, you want BF to say or do about it. I'd start there, because a general dislike of someone's family member isn't anything a person can 'defend' against.

 

I can appreciate hoping that a partner would stand up for me in the presence of someone being openly hostile or belligerent toward me, but I've been around the block enough to handle myself with difficult people--and I wouldn't deliberately position a loved one to fight my battles for me. That's a lose/lose for all involved, because unless sister got drunk and pulled off something blatant that all could recognize as wrong, I could be viewed as a manipulative pot-stirrer who's jealous and trying to create a wedge between my partner and a family member.

 

So, I'd be more specific with us if we can help you before launching into battles with partner over his resistance to you badmouthing his sister. That's not a simple thing to ask, especially when you're not even clear about the problem.

Hi. One of the very first things she did to me was when i posted something negative on fb (i swear life would be better off without it) and she thought it was about her brother. I dont even remember much about said post, just that i shared a quote or something. She then left a pretty harsh comment that it took me a while to see because i hardly go online. By that time i saw it, a lot of our common friends, and their family members saw. It wasnt about his brother but she never apologized to me about that.

Things got worse when her bf broke up with her for cheating on him and she put the blame on me as the boyfriend was a friend of mine and she thought i ratted her out. Again she blamed me for something i didnt do. I then became a target of her wrath pretty much since then. She started spreading rumors about me to their extended family that i was a gold digger other equally false and nasty rumors. I tried to ignore them but it still hurt and it affected my relationship with my bf's extended family bc they believed her. Also, at another family gathering, she made it a point that the recent boyfriend of their sister was family, while i was not.

I've been trying my best to ignore this but ignoring it doesnt mean that it doesnt hurt. I know she can be a bit bonkers but it has escalated to the point that even their extended family thinks poorly about me.

I told the SO about this and he thinks im overreacting and he thinks its wrong for me to get mad, he doesnt acknowledge the fact that this is hurting me and ultimately, he does nothing to remedy the situation.