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Thread: My boyfriend won't defend me

  1. #1
    Jinjimmynie
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    My boyfriend won't defend me

    We have been together for 6 years. Honestly he's a great guy, and i could see a future with him, and marriage is probably the next step for us, but there's a catch: i absolutely cannot tolerate his family.

    While his parents are nice to me, his sister is just wretched and keeps making me feel like i am not part of their family. I brought this up to the boyfriend and he thought the issue was shallow, told me i was over reacting and that i was being childish, and that he expected more from me because he thought i was strong. I begged him to be on my side and he just tells me "I am on your side. By correcting you." Like ? I didnt even do anything! Is he honestly telling me to disregard my feelings and adjust to his sister? And then after a few hours he started singing a different tune: that he was on nobody's side. Jesus. This made me feel worse, and more alone.

    I dont expect to be liked by his family. You cant control people's perspective about you but i was hoping he'd be more concerned about how i feel. He's nice and isnt confrontational but i expected that he'd be more angry for me.

    Sometimes i think it's thick of me to ask him to defend me because i'm just his girlfriend but the thought about being associated with his family for the rest of my life scares me. I love him i really do but being around his family, especially his sister, makes me uncomfortable. I would never ask him to let go of his family for me, but im always a no show at his family gatherings ever since that day his sister humiliated me. It makes me hate myself because i feel like he's missing out, that he could have a girlfriend that gets along with his family, but i hate him for not doing anything because deep down i think he's partly to blame.

    What do i do? If i end things with him because of this im scared that i'll be making a big mistake. Would you consider this situation a deal breaker in a relationship? Please please help me.

  2. #2
    j.man
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    What exactly is his sister saying or doing to you to humiliate you?

  3. #3
    RedDress
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    Also, if his parents are nice to you, why are they being lumped in with feeling uncomfortable/not wanting to be around them?

  4. #4
    thealchemist
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    I wouldn't tolerate a SO that told me they were in my side "by correcting" me. That would really piss me off. It does sound like he is dismissing your opinion. If your bf won't support you it isn't anyone's fault but your bf's.

    Now I also have no idea what the issues you are having with his family. Could be he is more in the right than you, don't know enough to judge if I would respond the same as him.

  5. #5
    Disappointed20

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    Not sure what the sister did.

    But I'd ignore her. Just be responsive to the parents. SOMETIMES when you ignore people...they get louder and louder....not saying not to defend yourself...just don't let them see they bug you. Concentrate on the parents.

  6. #6
    indea08
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    Based on these facts:

    1. You hate his sister, and she's not going anywhere anytime soon.

    2. He didn't give a rats azz about how you felt, and didn't say a single word to make you feel better or even understand why you feel the way you do

    3. Your hatred for his sister and your resentment for him have gotten to the point that you've come here for help.

    Yes, this would be a deal breaker for me. When you marry someone, you're marrying the whole family FOREVER. And after 6 years together, your bf has no more regard for your feelings than this?? Married or not, 6 years is a long time. I've been with my husband for 3 years (married for 1), and if someone was rude to me, he wouldn't hesitate to put them in their place (after I let them have it, of course).

    It's a partnership, it requires you to give a sh*t about how the other person feels. Clearly, he does not. So I'd leave.

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    DanZee
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    I think it's a deal breaker too.

  9. #8
    DancingFool
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    This might be a bit of a different perspective, but I'd absolutely dump an SO who can't get along with my family or goes so far as to hate them. A case of blood is thicker than water. It's on the SO to find a way to get along as far as I'm concerned. Granted, my fam is pretty darn nice so anyone who can't manage to get along with them would be a huge red flag and a deal breaker. This same applies to myself as well. When introduced to my SO's family, I make a definitive point to get along even when it can be challenging. At the very least managing civility no matter what.

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  11. #9
    j.man
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    Quote Originally Posted by DancingFool [Register to see the link]
    This might be a bit of a different perspective, but I'd absolutely dump an SO who can't get along with my family or goes so far as to hate them. A case of blood is thicker than water. It's on the SO to find a way to get along as far as I'm concerned. Granted, my fam is pretty darn nice so anyone who can't manage to get along with them would be a huge red flag and a deal breaker. This same applies to myself as well. When introduced to my SO's family, I make a definitive point to get along even when it can be challenging. At the very least managing civility no matter what.
    I'm much more inclined towards this. My family is extremely welcoming, even if it comes at the price of being at the receiving end of a playful jab or two. Still, I'm sure there are plenty of folks, in-law or blood related, who simply don't like each other. Which is fine. You can not like someone, but civility is key. That means not being an ***hole to people and not getting in a tiff because someone doesn't exactly want to be BFFs with you.

    Additionally, my fiancee's a big girl and can handle herself. I wouldn't have continued to date her if she couldn't a) simply shrug off some general cattiness or passive aggressiveness (again, not something that happens around our homes... certainly not regularly) and b) assert herself and the general courtesy she's entitled on her own behalf should someone get exceptionally unruly.

    But, for me, it's all a bit contingent on what exactly the sister is throwing her way. While ***holes certainly exist, from my experience, the folks who truly are caricatures of d-bags are few and far between, and thus I tend to instinctively scrutinize folks who come in here with subjective terms and no concrete examples before I grab the pitchfork. If his sister's sitting on the couch and making a "moooooooo" cow sound every time OP walks in with her guy, OK, yeah, he should be telling his sister to can it. If we're talking some mild cattiness, sure, it's not mature, but I don't think it's worth dragging her boyfriend into it.

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  13. #10
    Jinjimmynie
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    Quote Originally Posted by j.man [Register to see the link]
    What exactly is his sister saying or doing to you to humiliate you?
    I posted something on FB once and she thought it was about her brother (it wasnt) and she posted some smack in the comments. It was petty but it was still humiliating because a lot of people saw. She hasnt apologized for it yet. And now she constantly passively aggressively makes it a point that im not part of the family. I would brush it off but i cant help it if it hurts.

    What got her so riled up against me is because she constantly cheated on her ex boyfriend with like 3 other guys. The ex was a close friend of mine. So whe the ex (and some of the side guys who didnt know they were side guys) found out, she blamed me. I didnt though. She was just too stupid to understand for herself that our town is too small to date multiple guys at the same time without other people noticing
    Last edited by Jinjimmynie; 09-11-2017 at 09:25 PM.

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